I only got 5 hours last night but since giving in and getting some edibles, I'm at least sleeping that in one chunk with few wakeups.
So today is doable.
Ok, so yeah, we're gonna lose the apartment. I have until Saturday to pay the rent so miracles can happen but I think maybe we're beyond that and I have to sit in that and accept it.
It doesn't mean I will stop looking for a job. I plan to spend much of my time doing that today.
I keep having these moments where my chest gets so tight and it's scary.
It's stress.
I'm trying. I'm also trying to stay off my phone again, off of FB. It's dragging me even deeper into the abyss that is stretching out before me.
I was talking to my sister about my struggles with certain jobs I've had and then I was talking to my bestie yesterday and I realized something.
Now don't get me wrong, in my lifetime, I have blown so many wonderful opportunities...usually because of my addiction issues but many of the jobs I walked out on, all the reasons I gave were bullshit. Most of them, it was because I was getting close to being "found out." What I mean by that, is that I start to fail at jobs, sometimes quickly, sometimes much, much later. But it almost happens. I get scared of new tasks, I get overwhelmed by some of the daily stuff...and I freeze. I do this in every aspect of my life, it's not uncommon. I don't want to do it, for whatever reason, and I freeze. And my output suffers and I know that a firing is coming, so I walk. And I create all sorts of reasons. Even this last contracting job, all I had to do was sales but that comes with so much pressure. Because they watch your numbers and who you bring in and it was so overwhelming.
Should I have stayed?
I just don't know.
One of the things that came up in a conversation I just had, is the self-sabotage thing with jobs mirrors exactly what I've done with relationships in my life. I'm going to leave you before you leave me. And I find all sorts of justifications and the such.
Some of them are legit but seriously, I have so much respect for my bestie. It took her almost 3 resumes, out of that, only 11 interviews and 9 months to get another job. And she stayed in the one she was miserable at the whole time. And she doesn't like the one she's at now either but there she is and she's staying put until something else comes up. Why do I struggle so much with being able to do the same?
My point is, I need to learn to push through if I hate something. And I think with the right job, a permanent job, that I can do that.
I just need to convince these employers of my worth. And I guess I need to start believing it myself.
I just applied for yet another county job.
And I just talked to my sister. Which one? I have 3.
Yes, that's right. I have 3 sisters.
So I talked to one of them.
Ok, well, listen.
I'm trying not to bury my head in the sand here. The only thing I know to do is to keep trying and just...see what can happen here.
I need to stay busy now. Now is go time. Now is just suck it up and push through girlfriend.
So, this day needs to be full of it all.
I think I can do that...for one day.
But I have to stay focused and that's not easy for me.
So here I go.
Believe. Faith.
Stay strong.
Buy lotto tickets.
Got it.
Annnnnnd I'm out for today.
I know not everyone reads my blogs either but if you're someone I'm close to, talking about this doesn't help. I won't take phone calls right now from anyone other than my sisters, my mom, my kids or my bestie.
I don't have time.
And I don't want to talk about possible "fixes" anymore, I just want to know if you have job leads. And you can text or message those to me.
I can't do it.
It's way too stressful.
I hope you all have a great day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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