Totally Flaking Out

 

Hello!!

Man, I ended up, per the norm of late, totally flaking out yesterday. Yes, I managed to clean up the kitchen and take the garbage out, I managed to make dinner but that's about all she wrote folks.

Whatever. 

We all know the drill.

But I'm going with the positive and saying getting something done is better than getting nothing done. Right now, I am sitting with a Target bag on  my head as I finally got myself motivated enough to color my hair. Boring dark brown. This is what I'm going with until I can get my oldest over here to help me. I want big, caramel streaks.

But I did this on my own as so much fucking gray is coming in and it's not a pretty white, it's not a uniform gray, it's that ugly, muted gray. I'll take a shower and all that when it's time to rinse out my hair. 

My daughter works at 11:45 so I probably won't do to much until I get back. 

My big focus today, at least my thought process right now, is to toggle between cleaning and job search. I need to upload my new resume to all the sites I use. All these different sites can get overwhelming. 

I am going to use Indeed from now on, as a search engine and then go directly to the career sites of each company.

I have literally not gotten a single hit on Indeed. Not one single hit in the 5 or so months that I've been looking.

I will cook dinner today.

I've given up on Netflix or any shows really, to escape or relax for awhile. Everything is so dark. I watched that Adolescence show and talk about dark. That kid is one hell of an actor though. He made you just...hate him for his age, hate him for his anger, and just in general be creeped out by him.

Some actors are too good though. They convince you completely and you can never watch anything with them in it again without remembering that first role.

If you're good enough, you can climb out of that. Anthony Hopkins will forever be remembered as Hannibal Lector but he's been brilliant in everything else he's been in as well.

I can't do dark and I can't do depressing. 

If any of you know of something funny, no darkness whatsoever, or heartfelt and uplifting, let me know.

I'm reading a lot now instead of watching shows. I feel like I have more control of what I'm fed when I do this.

My bestie said in a former conversation, "I take care of myself first, at all costs, I protect myself and practice self care because, as we all know, things have changed drastically in the past two months. Things completely out of our control.

I had some weird, freaky deeky dreams. I don't remember them all. But in one of them, I had this little turtle and it came out of it's shell and I set it down by a tree because I was going to wash it's shell and a snake came and ate it. Then, I thought it had been a frog and I had a little toddler, she was mine in the dream, with short, very dark, silky, curly hair. I left her outside by a lake to go do my hair. Thankfully, she was OK but I remember in the dream thinking, "Denise...what the fuck is wrong with you."

A snake eating something I love? That's obvious isn't it? 

Welllll, a turtle represents shelter, the fact that the turtle came out of it's shell represents a feeling of unsafety and uncertainty. A frog represents change or the unexpected and a snake in this case? He's a killer/eater of dreams and all that is positive.

The toddler represents me, trying to find my way through this new territory. The fact that I left myself in potential danger shows that I am not taking care of myself the way I need to.

To see a lake generally speaks to your state of mind. The lake was calm but dark. That tells me that I have emotions to walk through.

I already know what they are; fear, anger, judgement, hatred, blame, helplessness...

Honestly, I know I need to find a balance in the social media thing. It's killing me, it's ruling me. So how do you stay informed? I will figure this out. I also have to stay away, as already stated, from dark stories or shows right now.

I need to be aware of what's happening politically so I can prepare accordingly but I also need to do loving things for myself so I can stay grounded, calm, focused and to feel whatever safety I can in unstable times.

Blah!

There you have it.

I will be back per the norm...tomorrow AM.

Again, France, Sweden and Ireland, how I wish I were there with you now. Thank you, whoever you are, for your interest.

Be Blessed, all of you.

Love & Light,

Neecie