I'm Feeling Manageable

 Hello again,

Going for a twofer today. Like I mentioned in this morning's blog, I am struggling. I decided to post this as I go. Simply because perhaps it will hold me accountable and there is joy in sharing that I managed to get things done.

So the first thing I'm doing is fun. I'm going to place an order on Shein for clothes and boots. I have very little winter attire that fits. It's all too big. 

The size I'm getting will be snug but my hope is that perhaps I won't have to buy anything again until my goal is achieved. Yes, things will be big on me at that point, but I will have a couple sales behind me at that point and perhaps will be better prepared to afford new clothes.

I can't wait. But for now, the joy of shopping.

Well that was fun. I'll be set for the cold stuff. I don't have a winter coat but I'll figure that out. Ok, now it's putting everything in this apartment, away.

Ok, I finished the kitchen...again. I'm going to have to "finish the kitchen" a couple times. I'm full to the brim and none of my pots and pans are here yet.

I gave myself an hour for this big "put away" but I fear it will go longer.

Whatever. Gotta get this done. I am taking a break to meditate and tell myself that, you know, I'm Denise motherfuckin' Johnson and I got this shit. Next is putting some things in storage and working on the dining room. 

Right now, I am full of anxiety but in "doing", I am hoping this will naturally fade away.

Well! The dining room is done as well as the hallway leading to the living room. I make it sound so big but I assure you, it's anything but...

I had to get rid of coffee mugs. You know, you try to keep the ones with meaning. Some of them were mom's but I do have her pretty teacups and tea dishes out so I think she'd understand. She was lovely that way and very humble.

So the last thing to do is to attempt a "put away" of the bedroom. I ordered a simple jewelry box for my stuff so I gotta get that in there. It's not the kind of jewelry box I wanted but it does have more room and I'll be going through everything as I unpack it so hopefully, I'll be able to downsize that a bit too.

Not as full of anxiety now. 

I'll worry about all the shit to come from my roommate's place later.

Ok, the dining room and living room are done. There is a big space behind the couch where "stuff", mostly Willow's Whimsy stuff is. One of my coworkers had a great idea, he suggested that I get black or gray bins so at least they match everything else. So...that's what I'm going to do.

Ah, the day just got away from me and I didn't get my list done but I made huge progress. So after the prior paragraph, I took out some garbage, unpacked a box in my room and then my youngest and I went to meet my sister at my former roomie's place. We got the two deck chairs, the big file cabinet, some little things, some of my daughter's things and my computer chair packed up. We went out to lunch and then came back and brought everything up and it's all put away.

My sis. That girl. She bought me a cabinet to put in the dining room. It will hold all my pots and pans. If there's room, I can put canned goods and baking items (flour, sugar, etc.) in it. If not, I might just order another one.

She made a good point, my sister. Even if there are tons of cabinets and furniture, at least everything will have it's place and be hidden from view. Annnnnnd it saves me some open wall space, meaning I won't have to worry about finding prints to hang up. I do know that I want a framed picture of Munster, Ireland over my computer. That's where the Irish side of our family tree hail from. On the wall above the couch, I'd like a pretty print, lots of color since most of my furniture is one shade of gray or another and two matching candle sconces.

Oh my god, then I'd be done. It's too damn good to be true.

Yeah, but sissy...she's a special person. And not because she bought me a cabinet. It fits into why she's special because she's giving but she's a good person, she's thoughtful. She cares. 

So tonight is the first night I've really felt like this apartment is our home. so much is done but you know what's not done? The dishes. So I am currently typing away while giving myself a facial. I'm gonna knock those dishes out, take a shower, get my clothes ready for the morning and have all my skincare stuff out and ready to go.

Why? Because my crazy ass is gonna get up and 5 and go right into work. I've had two days off and I need to leave by 2 tomorrow. I had wanted to leave by noon but that might be pushing it so I will leave at 2. If I get to work by 5:30, then 2 would make it 8 hours with a half hour taken for lunch. I can get a lot done in the hours before my coworkers start arriving.

Why am I leaving early? Well becauuuuuusssssse! It's sistahbelle's birthday tomorrow. We're gonna go out to eat and then see a movie and then we'll figure out the rest of our weekend and see what that will look like.

So as far as the apartment, I am going to do the dishes tonight, take a shower, organize my jewelry and go to bed.

I probably will be too tired to do anything tomorrow night. And busy this weekend, but there may be moments where I can do some things and pick up some things. I'm just not going to overwhelm myself, I can do little pickups, little loads so that it continues to feel manageable. It feels manageable right now but I need to stay on top of things.

Ok, so yeah, good damn day!

And no anxiety whatsoever.

I hope your day was a good one too.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No to Low

 

Good Morning,

I hope you all are in good form, feeling mentally and physically refreshed. 

I am not.

I did not go to work yesterday and I find I can't rouse myself to go today. You guys, I have to find another job. The problem is that I'm so tired I can't seem to get myself motivated to do...anything, let alone job search, application, all that shit.

I feel utterly exhausted. Just exhausted.

This move has been overwhelming. So overwhelming.

I expected to be done with the moving in part already. I expected to have started on my business. I expected a lot...of myself.

I had a scare with my daughter the other day. I should preface this by saying that she did nothing wrong and that I have officially become aware that my strange obsession with serial killers came full circle.

I've said this before but feel the need to say it again. The obsession is not with the killers. I'm not a fan girl as I know some bizarrely are. I don't get off on their crimes.

It's more of an obsession of, "why? what makes someone so nuts?"

Anyways, my daughter had been up on Tuesday. She called me but I was in my morning meeting. So I spent most of the rest of the day trying to get in touch with her and was growing more and more alarmed. 

I was sure she had gone out for a smoke, as we have to do now, and gotten snatched, even though her phone location showed she was in the apartment, I thought maybe she had gone out without her phone. Then I started thinking I'd never see her again, I'd never know what happened.

I left work early and got home and...she was fine. She fell back to sleep and slept all afternoon.

I crashed.

I think we fixate for different reasons and I know I feel so overwhelmed by so many things right now, and I put all that worry, all that stress, all that anxiety into this one thought, that yeah...I had an emotional crash.

I fucking hate this job you guys. It's killing me. It's crushing me.

I could sit here and bitch about all the details but why bother? Bottom line is that this is not for me and I have to find something else before I'm so overwhelmed, there feels like no way out.

I need to stop with the guilt of calling in again. It's done.

I can make this day be mine and just plow through and try to be as prepared for tomorrow as I can be. 

I will have to eat my humble pie. It's my boss's last day today. And then a few weeks without one. I want to be out by the time the new lady gets there.

That's November 4. 

Today's shenanigans will include job search.

I am debating trying to get a bit more sleep as well.

This cluster in my head, it's keeping me from making decisions or having follow through. And it's coupled with no energy, low energy. That's my measure right now, I fall into no to low.

You know, I have to go out to smoke a cig now. And it sucks. And there's this car that the owner starts up every week morning at 4:20AM and it's fucking LOUD and he lets it sit there warming up and it's LOUD. So instead of sitting in my car, I drive around in the morning so as not to disturb the neighbors. And that feels so wrong, that feels like it used to feel when I was done doing my thing and I'd be driving home as the sun came up, with all that guilt and remorse. And I did try to talk myself off the ledge...you know, that's not this, it's OK, you're just having a cigarette, you didn't do anything harmful to yourself, you haven't harmed anyone else in the process.

But man, those tapes just sit there, waiting for you to hit the play button.

So today has got to be productive.

It's 6:38AM.

Yeah, I'll make a fucking list. I'm going to allow myself to try and get back to sleep and to sleep til 9. Then I'm getting up and making shit happen.

I'll report back, I always do. 

Today calls for positive self talk, self love, a steady, even pace and accountability.

I'm gonna try.

I hope you all have a great day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Busted & Disgusted

 

Hi Everyone,

Well, you'll always know when I'm not blogging from my laptop because I don't have my new logo saved on google, which I should do.

Yesterday was a bitch. There's no nice way to say it. Work was a shit show. I came in and the only phones working were mine and my boss's.

That eventually got resolved. One of the things that's on my plate is the weekly scheduling of staff. I'll say it again, there's simply no reason I should be doing this. I'm an admin, I'm not a scheduler. Hire a staffing coordinator to get people scheduled and to get them hired. 

This is all about corporate greed. It really is. It's about combining positions and giving people so much to do that there simply is no quality of life while at work.

Let's be extra stingy and not give employees two days for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. It's been so long that I've worked for a "for profit" company, I forgot that in this country, for profit usually means use your people until they're so used up, they got nothing.

I am applying tonight for another county job. It's a little less pay but it's 24 days of PTO, all holidays, and the ability to work from home at least one day a week.

I can't not apply for this.

Oh, and it's literally about 5 minutes from home.

So on the days I do go in, the drive would be minimal, which saves me in gas. Gas has not gone back down to where it was. I doubt if it ever will.

Meanwhile, my day...so yeah, the scheduling. I can't do it at my desk because you have to really pay attention to the details and it's too busy up front but my laptop won't give me access to certain things, my coworker's computer said that my account has been disabled, yet here I am on my computer...not disabled. I was finally able to work on my coworker's laptop, in her office and I got it done.

I don't want to do this. I just don't. It's something that I feel increases my value and I should therefore get paid more to do this. I am an admin but I'm also the scheduler. Two jobs, one person.

You guys, I'm literally farting at my desk. They are just coming out of me. Luckily, they don't smell. I got those ones out of the way this morning.

My roommate texted me to me his fridge was getting stinky and needed attention so I told him I'd swing by this morning and empty it out.

Then when I got home yesterday, I got a call from my apartment office. I got busted for smoking on my deck. I played dumb and said I didn't know we couldn't smoke because when we lived there before, we could. But then they also mentioned the smell of weed. I don't smoke but my daughter does. So I played dumb on that one too. We were both a little salty but the bottom line is...they are right and we are wrong. We can feel however we want to about that, but they are right and we are wrong. So it'll probably be a good thing. I only smoked two cigs last night. My daughter went out with a new friend last night and got back sometime after one. I was up til 2 something. I didn't take anything to sleep last night. I'm trying to fool my body so that it always wants to sleep but anyways, I was up when she got home and so she told me about her night, she had a great time and I'm happy for her. But I wanted a smoke too and I contemplated sneaking one on my patio but decided it wasn't worth getting a lease infraction so I went outside to the designated smoking area. I probably woke the whole complex with my coughing but it is what it is. They didn't set a timeframe on when we can smoke so...there you have it.

But that took the wind out of my sails. I felt like a little kid getting a talking to by the principal. So I really didn't do shit last night. I have a mighty list for tonight and I hope with all I am that I can get it done. Or at least have the energy to do some of it.

Tomorrow night, I need to go over to my roomie's and pack all my makeup to prepare for getting the vanity over to my place. I mean there is truly and honestly a chance that I will be done by this weekend, not just with unpacking the place but in cleaning it for the first time. 

Just push through girlie. 

I am hoping work is a little bit no so nuts today so I can maybe do some of what I have on schedule for after work, done during work, thus this blog. I try not to do to much of that but again, is what it is.

I'm OK.

I'm better than in survival mode so that's good. 

I hope you all have a great day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Not Gonna Happen in 5

 

Good Monday Morning!

Monday you sure looked fine, Friday I got travelin' on my mind...

I digress.

Such is the mind of Denise and all it's inner workings.

I'm running late and I don't care. I'll stay for a full 8 hours.

Anyways, I don't know how but the kitchen is done, at least for now. I still have pots and pans at my roomie's. 

The dining room is almost done. But I moved a bunch to my room so now I have that to deal with. I need to get that damn file cabinet over here. Maybe I'll put out a cry for help on FB. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Otherwise, I'll just rent a stupid uhail pickup and call it a day.

Stupid.

But yeah, I did a lot. I decided not to put the doors on the TV Stand. I put one drawer in, just so I could stuff off of the dining room table.

Tonight here's what we're doing and in this order:

• Rent a stupid truck
• Get my file cabinet, computer chair, patio chairs and make up drawers over to the apartment
• Put all away
• Get the dining room done
• Get my room done...again
• Facial, shower, bla
• Bedtime

Tomorrow, I will grab more stuff from my roomie's, more of what's left. We still have a bit of a way to go.

But realistically, I could be done by Wednesday. Thursday PM I would just do a deep clean of the apartment. I want my weekend open. My sister has a birthday and my daughter has Saturday off so she wants to do something fall like...

But my sister and I might do something this weekend too...it's all up in the air. 

But it sure would be nice to come home to a clean home regardless, one with everything put away.

And then I can stop bitching about all of this.

Won't that be nice?

I do feel good about what I was able to get done yesterday. And I do feel hopeful about today.

Ok, well I am supposed to leave in 5 minutes and I still need to make my breakfast, get my food for the day ready, make my protein shake, get dressed and go...

So not gonna happen in 5 minutes. I didn't get up at 5 because I went to bed at 10 and wanted to get in as much sleep as possible. I got 7 hours even.

Nice.

Have a great day guys.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Just Bitching

 

Hi Everyone,

Ugh, I guess I should say good morning.

I pooped out yesterday. I took a nap and had to go pick my daughter up from work and I was just worthless after that.

I'm so freaking tired.

I put the majority of the bureau together and I was mean to my daughter. Not outright like yelling but I'm just so tired. I'm too old for this shit and I brought so much over from my other place yesterday that it's the explosion again.

I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday and I am feeling sorry for myself today. I didn't even take bougie bath last night, I was so focused on just getting that damn bureau done and I'm still stressed about it.

I can't look at it as a whole. I am going to start in the kitchen and work my way out, after taking a bougie bath.

I am going to go an hour at a time and then bring garbage down and I'm going to do it until it's all done. Then...I'm going to ask if there's anyone who can help me get my file cabinet and deck chairs over here. I tried but none of them will fit in my car.

The bottom line is there is not enough room in this place for all my kitchen stuff.

I already went over to my roommate's place and just stood there overwhelmed so I left without grabbing anything. 

And what the hell is up with people and their unsolicited advice? I posted the other night about selling the coffee table and oh my god, I did not ask for advice, I was just posting on my personal FB first in case someone wanted to grab it. I get, "return it" and "paint it."

It was not a call for advice. I get so annoyed. You know how my sister comes at me? She asks if I want her opinion or her thoughts. She's very thoughtful about it. I think people could take a lesson from her. Geez.

I think a bath will calm me down and get me moving. 

I am going to write a second blog tonight. Just so I can get up and actually have time tomorrow morning to do all I want to do.

This has gotten out of hand and I can't live in chaos for long and not lose my shit. I wanted this. I am grateful for this but this is part of the price you pay for peace of mind sometimes.

I can do this. Please, I can do this. I'm Denise Motherfucking Johnson.

Ok, well, here we go. 

Wish me luck.

Have a good day all.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Kitty Tower

 

Good Morning!

I wish I could say I slept like a dream but I didn't. At least for what I did sleep, it was deep. I don't feel icky this morning so that's good.

I'm going to hit the ground running so to speak. After this, I'm taking a quick shower because it's an Olaplex day which means that I put in a bonding treatment that I'll keep in until bougie bath tonight.

Then I have things to get up from the car. I did go over to my roommate's place after work and grabbed some things but I didn't get it up to the apartment. Then I'm just going to move stuff from his place to here and it'll make the "explosion" even worse but it's got to happen. My daughter works at noon so I'm going to stop bringing stuff at that point and then when I get back, I'll put together the bureau and unpack my arse off. I pick said daughter up from work between 4 and 5 and I intend to keep going until around 7, at which point, bougie bath shall commence.

I did get the big kitty tower together last night, which feels amazing and the kitts love it. Go hard today so I can start playing hard again.

I noticed something; the boy did end up texting the night before last, right as I was getting into bed. I didn't look at it until yesterday AM and he said he slept a lot and missed the mark on calling and that he'd try me last night. 

I asked him not to call until tomorrow just because I have so much to do. He didn't respond. And I am not reading anything into that. It's been a point of contention, my independence, with several of the guys from my past. They say they like it at first but then they don't. And like I said, I so ambivilant about this that I don't have time to be like, "Oh, he didn't text back, I hope I didn't offend him." That ship, too, has sailed. I'm Denise. I don't have time for games and I don't have time to worry about someone else. I have to get this all done today. Or at least done enough, that I feel like I can finally start living my actual life, lol. I should say that he may not even be playing games but you can see that I'm my head enough about all this to write about it. 

And when we do finally talk and catch up, I want to be able to focus on the conversation and not have the mess rolling around in the back of my head.

Does that make sense?

Me first.

That simple.

So.

Shower, meditate and go.

The cats are on the kitty tower. They can rule from above, Lording over all now. My happy babies.

I guess I better feed them. God, they are needy. LOL!

Who wants to eat? 

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

This is Temporary

 

Hi Guys,

Oh my God, it's Friday, finally. You know, I worked last Saturday and Sunday and I'm wiped out from it. I've worked 8 days in a row and I didn't realize how tired it was making me.

Last night did not go as planned at all. I dealt with it OK. My daughter had made an appointment to go get her hair cut and I had forgotten about it and I had a whole plan, ya know? 

I was a little pissy but then I decided ok, I'm going to take her, I'm going to stay with her and I'm going to drive her home too but of course, I was knocked out when I got home and I did nothing. Nada.

I did get to bed earlier.

Sometimes, I worry about my laziness. I really do. How do you accomplish anything when you are inherently a lazy ass?

And this morning? IBS. 4 times so far. Each time, the cramping starts, I'm like..."again?" Really? It's horrendous.

I make this commitment. I am going to push myself tonight. I am. I am going to go get that computer stand, the printer and get them up and then I'm going to go get the file cabinet and some kitchen stuff.

Then I am going to come home and set both up. Then Imma make the big kitty tower.

I will probably have to pick my daughter up from work and it will be late but I will be showered and ready for bed when I get her. I'm going to give myself 8 hours for a sleep window. And then, I'm going to go get the rest of everything. 

I don't care how many trips, or how awful it is. 

Then I will come back and make the TV stand, bureau, thing. Then everything is getting unpacked and put away and I am going to go until it's done.

Done.

The boy was supposed to call me last night and didn't and I was a bit relieved about that. He's being kinda mushy gushy and I'm like...dude.

I honestly don't think I have that in me anymore. I think that part of me really is dead. I mean, it's wonderful connecting with him but why did it have to go there so quickly? And nothing sexual has come up but I'm not that girl. You guys, I am not that girl. Not anymore.

I'm dreading that coming up.

My sister told me, "you don't have to do anything you don't want to." She's right. I can set boundaries on this.

Where was he 10 years ago? I would've been all about this but now...everything has changed. I have changed.

Work was OK yesterday. We had a tour come through and one of them women there was this lovely woman who lived on our street growing up. I asked after her and then asked about her husband and she  hesitated and then said...he's OK. I get the feeling she was on the tour as a way of looking into things for him.

It's so sad. She called me my sister's name and then she realized...no it's Denise. 

This getting old shit. I have this sense of urgency, like I need to cram everything in now.

And the stress is getting to me. My skin disorder? It's out of control. I have wounds I'm working on; four on one hand, a total of 3 on my arms, one horrid one on my back and one horrid one on my leg.

What is wrong with me?

Ah well, whatever. I just want to get through this day. I'm thinking about leaving early from work, in an effort to get more done. Maybe I'll just get ready after this blog and try and get to work an hour early. I don't know. I could leave at two and then I'm just short an hour.

I'm not really in a financial position to do this any longer but I don't know what else to do. I want the apartment done.

I'll figure it out.

I always do.

So I'm sorry if this blog is a Debbie Downer one. I'm just feeling stressed right now. And all the stress I'll feel doing everything that needs to be done is OK because it's temporary. I just have to tell myself that, this is temporary.

So on that note, I'm going to go get dressed and get to work and start making shit happen.

I shall be back tomorrow AM.

I will let you know how it goes!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Payback

 

'ello Poppets,

Well, I went to bed late. Not because I was trying to get stuff done but because I got stuff done and I wasn't tired and I didn't want to just lay there. My daughter wanted me to stay up and watch some Sex & The City so we did and I didn't get to bed until 10:30, which, as time has proven, means I slept late in an effort not to be too tired. I got very close to my 6.5 goal and I am feeling alright. I am having to talk myself off the ledge in terms of calling in and continuing to get stuff done. It will get done.

So.

I got the small kitty tower up, the end table up and got a ton of boxes down to the garbage and some more stuff in our little storage locker. I also put up a little shelf in my room.

Sounds like a lot but the explosion still shows.

My goals for tonight are to pick up my computer table, printer and file cabinet and get them up. I'll be able to clear off enough mess wise from the table to feel like this is indeed doable. 

If I can do that, than tomorrow I can get the bureau together and I'll be ready to pick up the rest of my stuff from my roommate's place and get it in place. I am now hoping to be all done by Saturday bedtime. That gives me my Sunday morning to relax, rollerskate, then take my boy to the airport. After that, I can come back, do all my budgeting, computer shit, etc.

I'll worry about cleaning next week. The loose plan for next week is to start cleaning out my roommate's place and planning for Willow's Whimsy. I'll begin making products next weekend.

And today I am late. Payback for staying up late.

Ugh.

Anyways, OK, I am going to get ready and get out of here.

I have 8 minutes, lol.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Tomorrow is Friday and it couldn't have come soon enough.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wish List

 

Good Morning!

And it is. It's just chill. I feel OK. I am really getting a lesson though in pacing myself and being patient. I want to call in so bad today and just knock the apartment stuff out but I can't. I have 3 more days of this and then I can just hit it.

My son will help me get the bureau over tonight. I plan on getting everything out of my roommate's place on Saturday and just spend the day knocking it out.

I have so many people I'm out of touch with. Erin called last night and I didn't answer. I felt so bad. Luckily, she texted and said she just wanted to tell me something funny. 

I realized that I'm stressing myself about this. The phone ringing causes me so much anxiety because I just want this done.

I need to push myself tonight. Just, like, ok go! And go until 7:30, then shower and get ready for bed. This stuff is not going to finish itself.

I wrote a wish list yesterday and then countered it. Here it is:

I wish I had more time in the mornings.

I wish I had enough money to either not work at all or that I could just do Willow’s Whimsy.

I wish I had enough time to see everyone I love often.

I wish I had enough time to talk to everyone I love often.

I wish my momma and dads were still here.

I wish I could do all the things I want to do.

I wish I had time for more fun.

I wish I would’ve done things differently in my lifetime.

I wish I would’ve had John’s baby.

I wish I was better at reaching out when people I care about are hurting.

I wish I was 21.

I wish I had lost all the weight already.

I wish I owned a home.

I wish I could have a dog.

I wish my mom and dad would’ve stayed married and that I could’ve grown up with them.

I wish I could go deep into the woods and do ritual.

I wish I could do mushrooms on Samhain.

I wish there was no death.

I wish the apartment was done.

I wish I could quit smoking.

I wish I could drink booze like a normal person.

I wish my hair wasn’t thinning.

I wish I could fly.

I wish Lord of the Rings was real.

I wish I could do Halloween events.

I wish I could do Christmas events.

Once the apartment is done, I will have more time in the  morning.

I swear by all that is Sacred, if I go for it, Willow’s Whimsy will be successful and generate enough money that I will not have to have an outside job.

While I can’t see everyone all the time, I can make more of an effort to reach out and make time.

It’s the same as above. Not gonna lie, the long conversations stress me out because I have so much to do, but I can take calls and just say, I’ve 10 or 20 minutes.

Mom, Dad and David are gone. It comes down to acceptance and that is so very hard. I can close my eyes and picture them, I can talk to them often, I can look at pictures and tell stories, share memories, etc.

I can make a list; little things to big things, daily things, one time things and I can start hitting that list.

I can make time for fun. It will have to be planned out and I will have to learn how to budget my time too.

I can’t go back. No regrets. Everything brought me to where I am now. I think a bit of self-forgiveness would be good too.

Again, I can’t go back. If I had had that baby, I most likely would not have had my Jonny. And a life without my Jonny would be a life not worth living.

It comes down to boundaries. I cannot be everything to everyone. Today, someone who lost her 8 year old son a month ago reached out to me asking for $$. I couldn’t send her what she asked for but I did send her something.

I will never be 21 again but if reincarnation is a thing, which I do believe it may be, then I hope I will remember next time to savor every moment.

I have lost 50 lbs. I only have 31 to, which is better than 81. I can do this.

Home ownership is not all it’s cracked up to be. In speaking with my sister, I now know that you have to have home owners insurance, you pay property taxes, you have to replace things as they konk out. There’s also yard work, keeping up the driveway, etc. It’s OK to be in an apartment for now and maybe forever.

I do want a dog so bad. We are in our apartment for at least two years. I have 3 cats and are only allowed 2. No dogs in our complex. When I land in my final place, I will have my puppy.

I would so love to be able to see what my life would’ve been if my parents had been healthy and whole and stayed married. But I do know that as things were, we ended up in the right place, the best place ever, with mom and dad.

The woods both delight and terrify me. You run the risk, if you go out alone, of having unsavory types come across you and perhaps will not understand. Any kind of harm can come. Perhaps someday, I will be able to do this. But it has to be planned and safe.

I can do mushrooms on Samhain, after ritual. I need to have someone I know reach out to their plug and see if he will have any available. Don’t judge. I’ll do a whole video about that soon.

There is no changing death. This one comes down to pure acceptance. I hope with all my heart that it is merely the next chapter.

The apartment will get done, I have to pace myself and learn to be OK with that. Pacing myself conserves energy and anxiety.

Oh, I can quit. Done it lots of times. I got through it relatively easy last time and used hardship as an excuse to start again.

This wish is not about being able to get drunk. I just wish I was someone who could have a drink, try new things, partake and participate. I accept that I can’t and know what would happen if I did. It’s all good.

There’s not to much I can do about all that. I use a peptide serum as well as two different sprays, one in the AM, one in the PM, to help with this. It’s helped to fill in thinning areas or areas that hair stopped growing in because of years of ponytails. It is what it is.

I will fly when I’m no longer here. I’ll fly all over this world and the next.

Lord of the Rings will be real in my next place of residence, once I shed this human skin and move on. I choose to believe that summerland is whatever we want it to be. We rest, we reflect, we wait until loved ones join us and then we move to the next incarnation.

I can schedule things to make myself feel a part of the season; both Halloween and Christmas.

I can look up local goings on. I can schedule them in.

Wishing can be fun but it can take you down, it takes you out of gratitude if you linger there for to long.

It depresses you and steals your joy. So it’s good to temper them with what is and helps you realize how lucky you really are.

I am very lucky. I have a family who loves me and I them. I have friends who love me and I them. I have a beautiful place…finally. I am living on my own…finally. I mean, my baby girl is with me but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I get how loneliness can happen in a sneaking, slow way. And how it can permeate every aspect of your life.

No.

I am grateful for everything. I may want for some things, but I don’t need for anything.

I just needed to see that all I am doing is not for naught.

It's hard.

So on that note, I need to make my food for the day and get going.

Once today is over, I'm more than halfway there.

Oh, Pumpkin is getting bored and therefore getting into everything.

I really need to get those cat towers up.

Alright, well, I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Rekindled? No

 

Good Morning!

Ah, well, the report of what I accomplished last night. I managed to almost finish my room and to get two loads of laundry, which now need to be folded and put away, done.

I sent off a long email to my new friend, old boyfriend, John. He had sent one to me sortof outlining his life in the past 30 years, so I did the same. Hey, let the ugly hang out there, it is what it is. 

He's an interesting person, he makes a ton of money doing 40+ hours a week doing Uber and door dash, he also works at Walmart part time. He's basically always working. He said he makes enough doing that to have paid off his child support debt and to buy a new truck for cash.

I can't judge. He's doing something I wouldn't do. I wouldn't have the discipline, it'd be too easy to take time off or say, "not today."

He's very articulate. He writes beautifully, but he always did.

It's so weird. For years, I wondered what might happen if we reconnected and you know, I don't think I want more than a friendship. This has not rekindled my "inner fires" so to speak.

I do think there's a journey in this and I do think I have to be cautious and kind with his feelings but I don't think this is going to be, oh you know, after 37 years apart, I reunite with my first love kind of thing.

I'm just glad he's sober. He went through some hard stuff but I also think I may have gotten the candy coated version, not that he's lying, just maybe not sharing the raw truth of things. 

I did. He talks about being an addict, I flat out say crackhead. Crackhead, crackhead, crackhead. I have regrets but I no longer carry shame.

And eventually, I'll probably have to remove these posts about him, if I share this part of my life with him. 

It's fine. I have a few I wrote about work, probably too much, and I should really unpublish those as well.

Ah, well, we shall see.

I wish I had more energy.

Work was OK yesterday. I got some good stuff done. 

I do know I can stay there until I find something else, thank god that this time, it's not one of those, "I'm walking out now" things. That ship too, it seems, has sailed.

But yeah, I did go through a few boxes. They just keep coming and just when I thought I had finished my room, I realized there was one more box and it's full of stuff. Nooooooo.

I took a shower and watched Sex In the City at that point.

And now...here we are. I better get moving. I'm going to stop at my roommate's before work, grab some shoes and something my daughter asked me to pick up, then head to work.

Ok, so tonight? Just that last damn box and the small kitty tower. My son is going to help me get the big TV stand box over here tomorrow but I know not when I shall commence to work on it.

Gotta go my loves.

Have a great day!!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Shook

 

Good Morning,

I don't know 'bout y'all, but I don't want to do Monday. Wah. But I have to. I woke up at 3:30 and was in and out until I finally got up at about 4:35 or so. 

It's OK, I am feeling alright. 

Yesterday was a weird day. Almost immediately after blogging, I received an email from my ex. That boy from so long ago. He sent me pics. I could see him in there, that boy, but you know that boy is almost 60 now. Well, just turned 58. How can I have an ex boyfriend that is that old? I'm not saying anything hurtful, it was just...the last time I saw him, he was 21 years old. 21. So he has forever remained in my heart that way and seeing him now...it shook me.

Yes, I was shook.

Look, I don't know what's going to happen here. I'm not sure there's even an attraction and I don't think that we're even close to that kindof thing. I'm overthinking because that's what I'm used to doing. I think I should just let this be what it is and let it just unfold. This may be a brief reconnection, it may be a friendship. I was really happy to know that he's been clean and sober for 12 years. That answered one question anyways.

I know things because I'm a lurker and a stalker and damn good at it. But I will let him reveal those things and explain those things to me.

He doesn't need to know I've checked up on him over the years. 

It's hard to forget your first love. 

Anyways, so that threw me off. And going into work for 4 hours threw me off. And I got home and saw the explosion and I deflated. I took a nap. I need to stop that napping shit. It does me a ton of good in the moment, but no bueno as my beautiful sister would say, when it comes to the big sleep at night.

Anyways, I did get some things done but nowhere near what I wanted. 

There are bills lurking, there are things I need to do on the computer and of course, they are getting put off. 

So for tonight, I intend to finish up my laundry. I intend to put the little kitty tower together and to finish my room. I have a small end table my daughter gave me, that'll take like 10 minutes to put together.

And if there is time, I will get on the computer and take care of my business. Tomorrow, it'll be the big kitty tower and Wednesday, I hope to get my son onboard to help me with the TV stand. The rest off the week will be working on the kitchen, computer area and clearing off the table.

You know, the place already needs to be cleaned and I'm trying to let that go. If I at least get the apartment done by Friday, I can plan on cleaning on Saturday.

Then that afternoon, I can do all the computer stuff; bills, budget, etc.

The following weekend, I will start making products.

This can be done but I have to put aside my natural laziness and just push through. I can look around, and in spite of the mess, see how much I've actually accomplished. 

So now I'm bringing garbage down, getting dressed and getting myself to work. 

I can let everything else go until I get home. I can be present at work and make it my biatch.

I can do this.

I will be back tomorrow AM and will let you know how it goes.

I'm OK. 

A little sad about aging, a little overwhelmed by the apartment, a little frustrated with my job but all this is doable. I just gave myself a big hug and said, "I love you Denise" so there we go. Have a good one folks.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Idealizing & Pedestals

 

Hi Everyone,

Ah, I went in to work yesterday, got there by 8 and left at 12 and have to do it again and then work a full work week.

No fun, no fun.

I was pretty pooped yesterday. When I got back from work, I took a nap and it took me awhile to get things moving so I did not finish all I wanted to.

I need to see if my son is willing to meet me over at my roommates at some point to get the big, heavy TV stand I got and help me get it into my car and then into my apartment.

I'm not putting it together today but it'd be good to have it here. I did get over to my roomies yesterday and picked up one of the little bookshelves I had over there. After work, I'll get the other one. I have a big list for today since I was so tired yesterday. I'm a little stressed that things aren't done but I'm giving myself grace as well.

I have to. I'm not 20, as established in a previous blog. My body is like, "what are you doing to me?" I literally had to force myself to do bougie bath last night. I'm so glad I did. It felt wonderful.

And I did put some things away.

I was so mad because I did a Target pickup and I had ordered nails and instead I got a thing of screws. I forgot to order garbage bags so another order is in order for today. It never ends, the shit we need.

But I also went to Chuck N Don's to pick up our cat food and they were closed. Since Covid, everything around here closes earlier than it used to. I had just enough dry food to feed them this morning so I have to go do that too.

So I did email my ex back. I haven't heard anything. It's funny, how quickly this monster inside me rears it's head and how easily distracted it becomes.

I realized yesterday that I need to keep my wits about me. This most likely is not a love connection. I say I don't want that and then one guy pays some attention and I'm suddenly curious and while I wouldn't say interested in pursuing something, all the "thoughts" come; too many of them.

Realistically, if I look back, I was one who broke up with him and there were reasons for that. And years later, when I went out to see him, he chose not to see me because at that point, I had gained all this weight and I had to tell him and he didn't want to see me. He wanted to remember me the way I was. I was crushed. 

I'm not that girl now, regardless of my weight. I don't sit at the table begging for scraps.

We were young. People change. I do know for a fact that he made a lot of bad choices in his life. I know that I did too. I know that I have changed not only that, but who I am in general. He may have done the same but the bottom line is that I do not know this person.

Yes, I would love it if he wrote back, but it's not necessary for me to go in living my life to the fullest.

I just know that I tend to idealize people and then they fall from the shaky pedestal I put them on and I blame them. I have no idea what his life is now.

So yeah, kinda came through that one quickly. 

Alright, I have a few things to do before work, so I'm gonna get moving and get there. The sooner I get there, the sooner I get done and the sooner I have to get home and see if I can get a huge dent in the apartment unpacking, etc.

Perhaps I will have good things, productive things, to report tomorrow.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

All Over the Place

 

Hey Guys,

Starting this tonight and will post tomorrow (today when you're reading it, lol). I'm having a "need to deflate" moment. Deflate in a good way. Good lordie lord, I just put the coffee table together. It's super pretty. I got this gorgeous piece to go in the center of it. I can't stop looking at it. If I were a little girl, I would think it's magic. Maybe it is.

But the cursing and swearing and contorting my body in order to hold the goddamn thing together as I L wrenched the pieces together. 

I'm like...so over all this unpacking. I want to just scream. I have 2 more furniture pieces to put together; the TV stand, which is more of a buffet if truth be told. I got it because it has drawers and 2 cabinets I can put some more of my "shit" in. That one's gonna be a biatch of epic proportion. 

Then the little end stand my daughter got me and that one should not be difficult at all. You should see the area rug I got for the living room. It's so gorgeous.

But the boxing the coffee table came in is massive and there is styrofoam all over the place. I now have to drag that shit out to the dumpster. It's too late to vacuum which sucks but I'll do it when I get home tomorrow (today).

So tomorrow(today) I will be putting the little stand mentioned above together. Then I'll unpack my ass off and end the evening with putting together the big kitty tower. 

We'll talk about Sunday when we get to Sunday.

I wanted to be done by Sunday but I just don't know. I still have to get the rest of my stuff from my roommates place. It's becoming an unending nightmare.

I don't know why I needed to write all that, I guess I wanted a record of the accomplishment I'm currently feeling.

My daughter works until 10:30 and I'm going to pick her up. I feasibly could take a shower, do the dishes, get the trash out and unpack a bit until it's time to get her. That's if I haul ass.

Alright, well, I guess I'm gonna haul ass.

Ok, now we are in the same day. I gotta rush this, sorry. It's been a nightmare trying to switch my gmail accounts over to my new phone.

I spent much of my morning doing that and now I have to go in to work.

I look like shit but I don't care.

I did actually get a lot done after the stuff I wrote last night. I got the garbage out, I took a shower and I washed the dishes. Then I picked up my daughter. After putting that coffee table together, that's all I could do.

I will be back tomorrow and probably blog when I get home from work so I'm not so all over the place.

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Distractions

 

Good Morning!

And it is! It's so cold outside, I'm in love with the weather right now.

In the forecast, it does say that in the next ten days, temps will hit 80 twice but I'm OK with that. The point is, we seem to finally be headed down instead of these heatwaves that are torture for me.

So I checked the forecast just now and it seems I misspoke. It'll be hitting 85 a week from today. This shit ain't normal. This isn't "weather patterns".

But it is what it is.

Back to work today. I'd rather not please.

LOL, no choice.

I'll just do the best I can. 

Yesterday. I got so much done. So much. But I can't stop now. Tonight's goals: Get my bedroom as done as it can be and then I decided I just really want to try and put the coffee table together. My daughter and I were watching TV last night and it would've been really nice to have something to set our drinks on. 

But yeah, knocked it out of the park. I think my goal of getting done by Sunday PM, at least as done as it can be until I get the remaining things from my roommate's, can be, then that'll be a very good thing. We're close, so close.

So I was talking with one of my besties last night, telling her some of the things that are going on where I work and telling her some of the things they have me doing and she was blown away. Especially at the fact that I am doing MOD (manager on duty) this weekend. I have no license. I'm not a caregiver and I'm not a social worker. So many things could go wrong, I mean I'm gonna do it but I'm not thrilled about it. I'm scared to do it.

She also wondered why we don't have a staffing coordinator and resident relations person. 

She's worked in this field for at least 20 years. And she's an Executive Director so she knows her stuff when it comes to senior care living facilities.

I trust her completely.

I'm not going to lie, it was a relief to hear this from her. The one thing she did say was she understands the point of view of my employer as to getting to close to the residents, spending too much time with them, etc. So having heard that from her too, I'll work on that for sure but the rest of it...she agreed with me. She was shocked to hear about the MOD thing and the fact that they've got me, as an admin assistant doing customer service checks too. Again, because I'm not a caregiver. How do I know what they're doing wrong, if they are at all. The only thing I'll really be able to assess is how they are treating the resident while they do what they do but I'll deal with it.

Another thing she told me is to consider getting Shrm certified. Shrm is an HR organization and one I've wanted to have a membership in but certification is a bit more expensive. However, the cost is much less than a college degree and would be a huge benefit for me when applying for HR positions since that's what I really want to do. 

So, I will be looking into that sometime in the near future, possibly with the New Year. 

Anyways, I just literally heard from my ex after a year of making original contact. I hope his account didn't get hacked. It sounds like him but you never know.

OK, now I'm distracted.

I better get ready for work. I left food in the damn car last night and I'm hoping it was cold enough out that none of it spoiled. Just too damn busy I guess. Things drop out of my head but I swore I brought it, maybe I left it at my roommates. I'll check on the way in to work.

Yikes, sorry I'm sortof all over the place. The email from my ex (if it is my ex), threw me off. I need to go in and change my password, etc. I don't fully trust this.

Be Safe.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Dope Show

 

Oh My God.

It feels so good to be doing this on my computer from my new place. It took me a couple days to get internet set up but here we are. Sadly, I cannot find my damn remote and my daughter can't find hers so no TV yet but I am hoping we'll track them down either at our old place or in a box. That's how I found the cord to my computer to charge my laptop.

But I digress. It still looks like it blew up in our apartment but I have changed my goal for the day. Today, I am simply trying to go through every box and pile said boxes in the areas they will go in; dining room table, coffee table, files (computer area), bedroom, etc.

That's today.

And hanging up a few things as well as long as I can find our nails. 

I'm stopping at 6 no matter what. Then, bath because I'm already sore again and a bunch of "shit" meaning figuring out all my passwords because I got a new phone and it's being nightmarish and I need to get a bunch of things up and running, all my emails, etc. 

So, yeah...I've already put a healthy dent in things. My goal for tomorrow evening after work will be to hang up more shit, that's it. My goal for the weekend, considering I have to work both days, is to put together the two coffee tables and the two kitty towers. I'm going to have to take apart the computer table at my roommate's in order to get it in my car so I'd like to do that and get everything over for the whole "office" set up. We will be so close at that point. I have brought nothing in the way of bakeware, etc. and that's gonna be one helluva bitch but I also know I have to go easy on myself. I want to push myself like I'm 20, my mind says, "Girl, you should be able to do this" but my body goes, "aww helllll naw."

Fuck you body.

I am going through a lot right now. This job has to go. It's literally eating me up inside; physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Love the residents, like the coworkers, hate the fucking job.

It's a total shitshow and while it may seem often that I thrive on the shitshow, I actually don't. It's better for me when things are linear, organized, well planned and thought out.

I guess I gotta do something about it, bitching on my blog ain't gonna change shit. I'm just pissed that this place didn't work out. First, the maintenance guy and all his bullshit. You know, in our personal lives we get to pick whose in it, in our work lives, unless we are fully self-employed, we do not.

I struggle with people. I guess you know, it's good to admit that. I have always struggled with people because I'm not an "in the box" kindof girl. I have "stuff". And I do know that we all have stuff but I'm much more amenable to people who are on the journey and who are self-aware or are at least becoming self aware.

I have high ideals and I forget that to some, I am the problem and they don't like me.

But yeah, the lack of direction and training finally caught up to me and if I'm gonna work in a shitshow, it's gonna be a shitshow I can wrap my head around. 

That song by Marilyn Manson, the dope show, change it to the shitshow:

We're all stars now

In the Shitshow

That's been going round and round in my head all day.

Right round baby right round.

I have other things to write about but not now. I have a chicken pot pie in the oven, a cat purring like a freight train on my lap and an apartment to get unpacked.

I may or  may not be back tonight. But I will be back tomorrow.

Tell someone you love them today, best if in person. Look them in the eye, even if it makes you cry and tell them you love them and you are so happy they live in your shitshow and that you have them to go through it with.

Be Blessed my darlings.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Move

 

Hi Guys,

Wow. October already. Doesn’t seem possible.

Life is happening. The move mostly has happened.  We still have plenty over at my roommates. I am hoping with everything I have in me, that I will be fully out by end of day Thursday.

Why Thursday? I have the day off. I have to work on the weekend this weekend. Two half days Saturday and Sunday.  So I get one week day off and I chose Thursday. Well, I asked my boss what day would be best. Trying to be flexible here. She chose Thursday. And I acquiesced.

So. The apartment. I love it. I will love it even more once we are all settled in. It’s hard. I wish I would’ve had more time off. I would’ve taken a week off to just hit this. But that’s not how it is.

Acceptance of not only what is, but what I’m capable of is key here. But that said, tonight I’m going to get my bedroom as done as I can. If there is time, I will move on to the dining room.

I only need a few more things, you know, things I have to purchase and they are cheap things. Once that is all done and I put together this shit, I can finish up at my roommate’s place. Once that occurs, then I’ll be going over there each evening after work to clean the areas we used and then I will start making products.

I’ll be all set.

And there can be no more excuses.

As there have been in the past.

Today, on my lunch, I am going across the street to set up the internet.

Thank God.

Then we can at least watch TV, although I do not have um, the TV stand set up yet. It’s not set up because it hasn’t come yet.

The setup of the apartment is not 100% what I envisioned. I am almost 99% over that, but it still sucks. I have nowhere to put my supplies, I have nowhere to put my file cabinets, my computer will be setup in the dining room and I hate that but it is what it is. Once our lease is up, or anytime really, once we can afford a 3 bedroom, it’ll cost us an unrefundable $500.00 transfer fee and we’ll do that. But really, it’s going to be about a year anyways and I do not want a one day turn around time, I want to not have to pack to much. I just want to move everything as is.

Part of me thinks I should’ve just sucked it up and got the 3 bedroom. I mean, it is what it is. We’re not there. You all have probably noticed how I tend to plan way to far ahead. It seems to keep me out of the now. I am a dreamer. I am an air sign. I also have ADHD and only recently come to terms with the fact that reality is what we make it. It’s not meant to be our enemy.

I’ve lost weight in the short time I’ve been packing and moving. My dress pants this morning are much looser.

More money. Because I have literally nothing in winter clothes that fit me. I don’t want to have to order until I am under 157 pounds so I can order things a bit snug to ensure they’ll at least fit for a couple months.

I plan on going all out when I reach 136 so for now…meh.

Ok, so I had about 20 boxes of shoes that had to go into storage. They are so high I can’t believe I ever actually walked in them. I love them all. I am keeping them only until I hit 136 and then I’ll try. If I can no longer walk in them, so be it.

I  mean, other than that, we are here. We have arrived at the first of my goals and I’m OK with going hard to get it all done, giving myself a day or two to reflect and figure out Willow’s Whimsy and then jumping into that.

I want two things to happen with that in the next year; I want the loan paid off and I want enough to pay more than half on the new vehicle I want.

If nothing else, a girl can dream.

Dreams are free.

So I mean, that’s what I’ve got. I am grateful but I know I’ll be even more so once it’s all done.

My sister is amazing. My son inlaw is amazing and my youngest worked hard too. All of them helped me make this move happen.

I have good people in my life, people who care and who do the yucky stuff, not because they want to, but because they care about me.

This is everything.

On that note, y’all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie