Wish List

 

Good Morning!

And it is. It's just chill. I feel OK. I am really getting a lesson though in pacing myself and being patient. I want to call in so bad today and just knock the apartment stuff out but I can't. I have 3 more days of this and then I can just hit it.

My son will help me get the bureau over tonight. I plan on getting everything out of my roommate's place on Saturday and just spend the day knocking it out.

I have so many people I'm out of touch with. Erin called last night and I didn't answer. I felt so bad. Luckily, she texted and said she just wanted to tell me something funny. 

I realized that I'm stressing myself about this. The phone ringing causes me so much anxiety because I just want this done.

I need to push myself tonight. Just, like, ok go! And go until 7:30, then shower and get ready for bed. This stuff is not going to finish itself.

I wrote a wish list yesterday and then countered it. Here it is:

I wish I had more time in the mornings.

I wish I had enough money to either not work at all or that I could just do Willow’s Whimsy.

I wish I had enough time to see everyone I love often.

I wish I had enough time to talk to everyone I love often.

I wish my momma and dads were still here.

I wish I could do all the things I want to do.

I wish I had time for more fun.

I wish I would’ve done things differently in my lifetime.

I wish I would’ve had John’s baby.

I wish I was better at reaching out when people I care about are hurting.

I wish I was 21.

I wish I had lost all the weight already.

I wish I owned a home.

I wish I could have a dog.

I wish my mom and dad would’ve stayed married and that I could’ve grown up with them.

I wish I could go deep into the woods and do ritual.

I wish I could do mushrooms on Samhain.

I wish there was no death.

I wish the apartment was done.

I wish I could quit smoking.

I wish I could drink booze like a normal person.

I wish my hair wasn’t thinning.

I wish I could fly.

I wish Lord of the Rings was real.

I wish I could do Halloween events.

I wish I could do Christmas events.

Once the apartment is done, I will have more time in the  morning.

I swear by all that is Sacred, if I go for it, Willow’s Whimsy will be successful and generate enough money that I will not have to have an outside job.

While I can’t see everyone all the time, I can make more of an effort to reach out and make time.

It’s the same as above. Not gonna lie, the long conversations stress me out because I have so much to do, but I can take calls and just say, I’ve 10 or 20 minutes.

Mom, Dad and David are gone. It comes down to acceptance and that is so very hard. I can close my eyes and picture them, I can talk to them often, I can look at pictures and tell stories, share memories, etc.

I can make a list; little things to big things, daily things, one time things and I can start hitting that list.

I can make time for fun. It will have to be planned out and I will have to learn how to budget my time too.

I can’t go back. No regrets. Everything brought me to where I am now. I think a bit of self-forgiveness would be good too.

Again, I can’t go back. If I had had that baby, I most likely would not have had my Jonny. And a life without my Jonny would be a life not worth living.

It comes down to boundaries. I cannot be everything to everyone. Today, someone who lost her 8 year old son a month ago reached out to me asking for $$. I couldn’t send her what she asked for but I did send her something.

I will never be 21 again but if reincarnation is a thing, which I do believe it may be, then I hope I will remember next time to savor every moment.

I have lost 50 lbs. I only have 31 to, which is better than 81. I can do this.

Home ownership is not all it’s cracked up to be. In speaking with my sister, I now know that you have to have home owners insurance, you pay property taxes, you have to replace things as they konk out. There’s also yard work, keeping up the driveway, etc. It’s OK to be in an apartment for now and maybe forever.

I do want a dog so bad. We are in our apartment for at least two years. I have 3 cats and are only allowed 2. No dogs in our complex. When I land in my final place, I will have my puppy.

I would so love to be able to see what my life would’ve been if my parents had been healthy and whole and stayed married. But I do know that as things were, we ended up in the right place, the best place ever, with mom and dad.

The woods both delight and terrify me. You run the risk, if you go out alone, of having unsavory types come across you and perhaps will not understand. Any kind of harm can come. Perhaps someday, I will be able to do this. But it has to be planned and safe.

I can do mushrooms on Samhain, after ritual. I need to have someone I know reach out to their plug and see if he will have any available. Don’t judge. I’ll do a whole video about that soon.

There is no changing death. This one comes down to pure acceptance. I hope with all my heart that it is merely the next chapter.

The apartment will get done, I have to pace myself and learn to be OK with that. Pacing myself conserves energy and anxiety.

Oh, I can quit. Done it lots of times. I got through it relatively easy last time and used hardship as an excuse to start again.

This wish is not about being able to get drunk. I just wish I was someone who could have a drink, try new things, partake and participate. I accept that I can’t and know what would happen if I did. It’s all good.

There’s not to much I can do about all that. I use a peptide serum as well as two different sprays, one in the AM, one in the PM, to help with this. It’s helped to fill in thinning areas or areas that hair stopped growing in because of years of ponytails. It is what it is.

I will fly when I’m no longer here. I’ll fly all over this world and the next.

Lord of the Rings will be real in my next place of residence, once I shed this human skin and move on. I choose to believe that summerland is whatever we want it to be. We rest, we reflect, we wait until loved ones join us and then we move to the next incarnation.

I can schedule things to make myself feel a part of the season; both Halloween and Christmas.

I can look up local goings on. I can schedule them in.

Wishing can be fun but it can take you down, it takes you out of gratitude if you linger there for to long.

It depresses you and steals your joy. So it’s good to temper them with what is and helps you realize how lucky you really are.

I am very lucky. I have a family who loves me and I them. I have friends who love me and I them. I have a beautiful place…finally. I am living on my own…finally. I mean, my baby girl is with me but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I get how loneliness can happen in a sneaking, slow way. And how it can permeate every aspect of your life.

No.

I am grateful for everything. I may want for some things, but I don’t need for anything.

I just needed to see that all I am doing is not for naught.

It's hard.

So on that note, I need to make my food for the day and get going.

Once today is over, I'm more than halfway there.

Oh, Pumpkin is getting bored and therefore getting into everything.

I really need to get those cat towers up.

Alright, well, I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie