No to Low

 

Good Morning,

I hope you all are in good form, feeling mentally and physically refreshed. 

I am not.

I did not go to work yesterday and I find I can't rouse myself to go today. You guys, I have to find another job. The problem is that I'm so tired I can't seem to get myself motivated to do...anything, let alone job search, application, all that shit.

I feel utterly exhausted. Just exhausted.

This move has been overwhelming. So overwhelming.

I expected to be done with the moving in part already. I expected to have started on my business. I expected a lot...of myself.

I had a scare with my daughter the other day. I should preface this by saying that she did nothing wrong and that I have officially become aware that my strange obsession with serial killers came full circle.

I've said this before but feel the need to say it again. The obsession is not with the killers. I'm not a fan girl as I know some bizarrely are. I don't get off on their crimes.

It's more of an obsession of, "why? what makes someone so nuts?"

Anyways, my daughter had been up on Tuesday. She called me but I was in my morning meeting. So I spent most of the rest of the day trying to get in touch with her and was growing more and more alarmed. 

I was sure she had gone out for a smoke, as we have to do now, and gotten snatched, even though her phone location showed she was in the apartment, I thought maybe she had gone out without her phone. Then I started thinking I'd never see her again, I'd never know what happened.

I left work early and got home and...she was fine. She fell back to sleep and slept all afternoon.

I crashed.

I think we fixate for different reasons and I know I feel so overwhelmed by so many things right now, and I put all that worry, all that stress, all that anxiety into this one thought, that yeah...I had an emotional crash.

I fucking hate this job you guys. It's killing me. It's crushing me.

I could sit here and bitch about all the details but why bother? Bottom line is that this is not for me and I have to find something else before I'm so overwhelmed, there feels like no way out.

I need to stop with the guilt of calling in again. It's done.

I can make this day be mine and just plow through and try to be as prepared for tomorrow as I can be. 

I will have to eat my humble pie. It's my boss's last day today. And then a few weeks without one. I want to be out by the time the new lady gets there.

That's November 4. 

Today's shenanigans will include job search.

I am debating trying to get a bit more sleep as well.

This cluster in my head, it's keeping me from making decisions or having follow through. And it's coupled with no energy, low energy. That's my measure right now, I fall into no to low.

You know, I have to go out to smoke a cig now. And it sucks. And there's this car that the owner starts up every week morning at 4:20AM and it's fucking LOUD and he lets it sit there warming up and it's LOUD. So instead of sitting in my car, I drive around in the morning so as not to disturb the neighbors. And that feels so wrong, that feels like it used to feel when I was done doing my thing and I'd be driving home as the sun came up, with all that guilt and remorse. And I did try to talk myself off the ledge...you know, that's not this, it's OK, you're just having a cigarette, you didn't do anything harmful to yourself, you haven't harmed anyone else in the process.

But man, those tapes just sit there, waiting for you to hit the play button.

So today has got to be productive.

It's 6:38AM.

Yeah, I'll make a fucking list. I'm going to allow myself to try and get back to sleep and to sleep til 9. Then I'm getting up and making shit happen.

I'll report back, I always do. 

Today calls for positive self talk, self love, a steady, even pace and accountability.

I'm gonna try.

I hope you all have a great day.

Love & Light,

Neecie