How I Roll

Good Morning!!

I had a good day yesterday! Most of it took place in the evening as I hung out with my daughter and she cracks me up. Her hubby worked late so we met him for dinner. It was good to laugh.

My boycub called out of the blue a couple days ago on his way home from work so we caught up too. I feel loved.

It’s good to feel loved. Although I work on Thursday do 4 hours, this will be my last week of no work an then it’s all on. I need to be prepared. No more fucking around. 

I’m going to make a full list of my debt today. It’ll end up of course being more due to interest but that’s ok.

One card at a time, one personal debt at a time and then the big kahuna…the loan.

Truth be told, I don't know if I can handle 55 hours a week, but I'm going to at least try. My goal is to do this for a year.

If I really hunker down, I should be able to pay off the credit cards and my personal debts in that amount of time.

Then it would just be the loan remaining.

So much is riding on this. So much.

But I can do one year...and you know, each paycheck will bring me closer to that being over. 

I have not let my former employer know that I have a new job yet. It may seem shitty of me and it weighs on me but at the same time, they weren't even going to let me know that my period of unemployment was going to be extended. I only found out because I hadn't heard from them and reached out...like, hello? Hello? Anyone? Anyone?

I'm going to send out a text on Wednesday of this week, since I start Thursday and it'll just be what it is...

So these next few days...I am just going to try and prepare mentally for everything. I'm going to apply for a part time job today. I'm looking at 15 hours a week.

With the overtime from my day job, I am going to actually be 57.5 hours a week until the slow season. This company does not lay people off however.

Thank God.

And you know, I am grateful for the job I was laid off from. I learned I can handle hard stuff, I learned I can learn, I learned I can do what's required of me. I learned I do not have to give in or give up. I learned how to let go and just let shit fly and still maintain a sense of well being (as good as I can given some of my mental health struggles).

So today, it's going to be well over 70 degrees. What the actual fuck? I think we are in for some wicked shit weather wise this summer...with the drastic temp changes, etc. But one day at a time. I'm closer to home now (new job), so if there are tornado warnings, I'll leave to come get my cats and my daughter if she's not working when warnings go off. 

I will drive through hail and tornadoes to get to my daughter and/or our cats.

That's how I roll.

Speaking of cats, Grey continues to be a conundrum. I don't have the money to find out what's going on with her. I suspect kitty dementia. She has a hard time sitting down now, like making up her mind where she wants to sit and how to sit. She stumbles from time to time. She's eating though and she seems to still want affection, etc.

But if things continue, it may sound cold, but I believe in giving her release as soon as it's clear that she's really struggling, rather than wait until death is eminent. Struggling isn't fair and it's not a good quality of life. It'll kill me to do it but she will be spared the spiral.

I have said all along and I stand by this that if I am diagnosed with something that will ultimately lead to my death but that will prolong the heartache of my family in any kind of drawn out way, while I just sit there and diminish, I won't do that. Fuck that.

I'm out. On my terms.

And the way I envision it is to go out on a freezing cold night when the moon is full, somewhere in the woods but where the moon shines down through the trees, take a handful of mushrooms (yes, magical) and...just die.

I think we should all have the right to die as we choose. As far as I know, I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask to have the issues I've had nor the struggles, I never wanted to cause harm or be irresponsible and I do acknowledge that I wasn't always those things...there's good in Denise too but...my life has been one of a lot of struggle and shame and low self-worth and it's gets tiring.

And because I didn't ask for that bullshit, I think that I should be able to choose the time and means of my death.

That got dark. But the point I'm trying to make is that noone, not even my beloved kitty should be forced to struggle here just because I don't want to let her go until the very last moment. I'd rather live knowing I spared her months of getting worse, then releasing her only when it's clear she's suffering.

This is not happening anytime soon. I am watching and I will know. I've asked her and the Goddesses who oversee cats (Freya and Bast), to show me signs and I've done meditations to open myself up to being able to see those signs.

Now I'm out for the day. I hope you have a good one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Glow

Good Afternoon Lovies,

I apologize for no blog yesterday. I actually meant to blog but time management has been an issue.

Not so today but I’m pushing myself with breaks. I found a new show to binge watch, shame. But it’s about makeup artists!!!! It’s called Glow and it’s like Project Runway, only make up; glam, special effects, you name it. I love it so much it makes me feel high watching it. 

So, today is Day 4 of 10 cigs a day. Day 1 was only 6 cigs, Day 2, I believe was 10, yesterday was 8. So far today, I’ve had 4. Not bad for 2:23PM.

The biggest struggle with that is pushing myself in between smokes, like I don't want to go anywhere because driving without smoking is hard but I did push through that.

By not giving in, and smoking more, I’m really realizing how easily my self talk, in the form of convincing myself it’s ok to give in, takes over. It’s been trying these past 4 days, believe me.

But even though I’m having plenty of couch potato time today, I’ve also run 4 different errands. 

I’m falling asleep. My dream is to find a cure for afternoon crashes.

The cure would be going back in time and being 16 again I suppose.

It’s weird because I’ve been keeping the apartment clean so my usual go to hasn’t been available to me.

Anyways, I’m ok, just tired, trying to prepare myself with what’s coming.

Have a good rest of the day!

Be blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Plastics

Good Morning!

Well, a fairly sleepless night, but that is part of the course isn’t it? Pumpkin was with me most of the night. As we’ve all established by now, this gives me a great deal of comfort. Grey slept out on the couch, which is not like her.

But she did eat this morning so that’s good.

I watched another documentary on micro plastics, and plastic in general yesterday. It’s interesting to me, because after the documentary was over, I started looking at all the things I buy that are made of plastic. My toothbrush, the containers for toothpaste, my brush, containers for cleaning supplies and food. It’s pervasive.

They had people, like four different couples, who are infertile for no distinguishable reason, be a part of this three month study. They changed everything and they measured the men’s sperm count. At the end of the study, all of the sperm counts, went up, and three of the couples had viable pregnancies that led to birth.

Birth rates have gone down all over the world and it’s interesting because it does coincide with the massive production of plastic and it’s used and almost everything.

This study was based on what it does to the human body and not the environment.

It got me going down the whole rabbit hole of everything. You know, all these supplements that are supposed to detox, your liver, and help you sleep and slow down the aging process and blah blah blah. I buy into that the same way I buy into all the political bullshit.

People will believe anything if it aligns with what they wanted to align with.

If the best I can do, is cut out as many plastics as possible and take a daily supplement and try to eat healthier, that’s huge. I don’t need to spend $160 on a protein powder every month and another 60 on a liver detox drink and yet another 100 on a sleep aid.

In studies, it has also been shown that certain kinds of plastic cause weight gain and at least one of the participants in this show last 12 pounds in 12 months just by cutting back on plastics. People slept better. It truly is pervasive.

I was really inspired in the show because there was a woman down in Louisiana, who fought this huge plastic plant going up. It was in a very poor area, meaning financially, poor, and a ton of her friends and acquaintances had died of cancer. Of course, the Senator of the state was saying how great this was gonna be for employment rates and blah blah blah. But this woman fought it and she won. 

Anyways, I’m not just gonna jump into this. I can’t replace everything I have. But I am going to start replacing things with glass and ceramic, bamboo, all of that, and once I get the household stuff done, I am going to have to start going into the actual grocery store and not ordering for pick up so that I can bring my own bags in. There are bags Made of natural materials that mimic plastic and breakdown, but you can’t just throw them in the garbage because they need to be in dirt in order to break down and if they go into a regular waste environment, they are surrounded by plastics and don’t get the chance to breakdown.

But I think it’s important that all of us have one thing that we try to do for ourselves and for the greater good and I’d like to see if this makes any kind of change.

Mental health disorders, such as autism and ADHD have gone through the roof as well and while there’s no definitive proof that plastics is the reason for this, it does coincide with plastics being used for everything.

And they did go on to say that it’s not plastic itself, like there’s other ways to make plastic, it’s the way we make it now and the chemicals involved, and it would take a lot of work and change, but it can be done differently and it can be done better.

So there’s my blog for today. Plastics.

I am trying to fast and I have to do a quick clean because I didn’t do all of it yesterday and they’re inspecting the apartment today. Then I am meeting a friend for coffee.

I’m tired. I only smoked six cigarettes yesterday, but I have already had three this morning which leaves me with seven for the day.

I HAVE to stick to this. I have to prove to myself that I can do this.

OK, on with it we go.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Happy St. Patrick's Day To You

Hi There!!

Happy St. Patty’s to you.

If I could go back in time, a whopping 58 years to be exact, today would be the day I got baptized. 

Contrary to what some might believe, my flesh did not burn when the holy water hit, lol!

At any rate, I slept last night. 

I did a burning. I wrote out all the things I need to let go of and all the things I just need to "STOP" doing and I burned it in my cauldron with about 20 "butts" of palo santo wood that I use in my daily meditation. Palo Santo burns itself out and then smokes for those not in the know. It's a little bit like sage but it actually a wood and smells better in my opinion.

The thing is, when you light it, it's on fire and you have to blow the fire out in order for the smoke to come through.

So when I get to the end of a stick, I'll basically burn my fingers if I try to light it so instead, I save these and last night, we had a great burning, right smack dab in the middle of my living room. 

I'm kind of shocked the fire alarms didn't go off. I opened the balcony door and I put the oven fan on. 

And someone knocked on my door at about midnight, woke me up, but I didn't answer.

Mind your own damn business.

I feel like it was a cleanse in that I evacuated a lot after I did this ritual and I felt sick but then I slept like a dream.

Pumpkin came in as she does early morning most days and I wish I could explain how precious she is. Usually, she wants pets and if I put my hand in a vulnerable position as I pet her, she attacks; grabs my hand, does the hind paw thing and bites. I end up with scratches. She's not trying to be mean, she just wants to play but this morning...I mean, call me a sentimental ass, but I hope I remember this morning forever. She came in and plopped down by my face and I was petting her and then she did grab for my hand but she held it in both paws and proceeded to give it a bath. Then, she moved from laying on her side, to laying on her stomach and she draped both front legs over my forearm and she took the skin from my arm in her teeth and was gently pulling. She doesn't break the skin when she does this, it's very gentle. 

It was about 45 minutes of just loving each other. I tell her every morning how much she means to me and how grateful I am to have her in my life.

My Grey...it's breaking me. In some respects, she's still just Grey. But she struggles with some things and seems to have bad days and good days. She's crabbier and I wonder if she's in pain. She's unsteady on her feet when she jumps and I oftentimes help her now.

My biggest thing with her is pain. If she's in pain, I will never be one of those people who hang on too long, out of my selfish desire to keep her with me. I've seen that before and it's so unfair.

So I watch and I just love her.

She has always gone ballistic when I make the bed but yesterday, it really stressed her out. She was hissing and growling and just pissed off about the whole thing.

I have been so damn all over the place with the smoking and you know, I thought about it this morning and because I am having such a hard time with everything, I have to look at this as a process and make a decision about it and then stick to it, whatever the plan is.

I don't think I have it in me to go cold turkey, so for the next week, I am going down to half a pack. I've had days where I only smoked one or two but those are hard days for me. I think I can handle 10. If I'm under that, great, but I still have the option of 10. And if I do go under that, like say I smoke 9, it's still 10 the next day. There's no hoarding them so I can go off the rails and binge smoke.

Today, I have to clean a bit, not a full on clean, but a bit, because we are having inspections tomorrow.  I also have to get litter and clean out the boxes so they are fresh.

I won't be here when they come and we have 3 cats. We are only allowed to have two so I hope Mocha does what she usually does, which is to hide. They will be going into both bedrooms and bathrooms so I am going to have make sure both of them are clean as well.

So just cleaning today and trying to get in some exercise, smoke 10 cigs, bathe, and eat but not overeat. That's another STOP thing, just stop overeating or binge eating.

BOOM.

Alright, well, I hope you all have a great day.

May the wind at your back, never be your own.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Whatever I Have To

Good Morning!

Well how are all of you today? I hope this freezing cold Monday finds you well. At least it’s freezing where I am and it’s been a minute since temps were this low so I’m feeling kind of like having a temper tantrum about it.

Yesterday was a wash but I already knew it would be. Last night, I went to bed around eleven and woke up around 3 or so. I started to go down the rabbit hole of watching shit on my phone and I managed to finally put it down and I just laid there, breathing deeply.

I went back to sleep and slept until about 7:30. So that’s good.

I have to force myself to move on with the day as planned. I usually don’t if I get up later than planned. I also need to come up with a plan for this job on the nights I don’t get enough sleep because it’s gonna be a problem if I don’t.

The bottom line is that missing work is not an option. Fever and/or puking is the only allowable reason and I hardly ever get fevers or wake up puking so there you have it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my now impending move. I looked up apartments and little apartment units within houses, etc and while anything I do is going to cost more for awhile, I am happy that they are not as expensive as I thought they’d be.

As far as non-negotiables, I just want to have enough space to move around in comfortably and I want to feel safe.

I am going to make bathbombs today. I need quite a bit more than usual to be ok until my first full paycheck because my unemployment will stop soon.

I’ll do whatever I have to.

Except be a ho. First off, I just couldn’t do that and second, no one wants this old bod anyways. So no ho fo me.

Alright, well on with it as they say.

I’m not gonna film a short until later.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Non-Negotiables

Good Morning!

Hmmm, so yesterday went places I didn’t anticipate.

Change of plans.

I will be moving out on my own come end of August. I’m giving myself until then to try and pay off my credit cards because I won’t be able to afford living on my own if I don’t.

I’m unwilling to get a roommate. I have too many non-negotiables. 

I stated looking just to see what I’m looking at and yeah, gonna have to have the cards all paid off. It means it’ll take me longer to pay off my personal debts but luckily, those debts are to individuals who will work with me as long as I’m making an effort.

I have to remember a couple things here: one is acceptance of what is, one is that other miracles can occur at anytime; just like the rug can be pulled out from you at anytime time, so too can a new rug be placed beneath you.

I’m a survivor and this is not the end of the world.

I did not sleep last night. Much of my night was spent with Pumpkin, who is very tuned in to the emotions of others and she licked my snot as I cried and my tears. Turns out she likes snot, lol.

Little one.

I’m going to make myself Momma’s quiche, because I can, watch TV and take a long ass nap.

And so I wish all of you a warm, safe day. It’s definitely a stay and inside and snuggle up in a blankee kind of day. Blizzard here in MN.

Stay warm.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Naysayers Here

 

Good Morning!

Ok, today I am just in go mode and we are gonna ride that one out. In fact, from this day forward, I'm just gonna strive for go mode. I know I'll have crashes but for the most part, like, quit that.

The main focus of my life going forward is paying off my debt. There is a lot of debt.

There are other focuses obviously but that needs to be my main motivator. I just have this feeling. I can't explain it but I'm trusting it.

It's a good feeling and naysayers be damned. I have no naysayers but I'm just putting that out there.

I have a motley assortment of shit to do today and my focus is simply on doing it. Until I go to bed. End of story.

Starting Monday, I prepare for this job. I act as if. On Monday, I am going to get on the highway and drive to work to have a realistic idea of traffic. Well, maybe Tuesday. Yes, Tuesday and I say Tuesday because we have a supposed snowstorm coming in and it may mess with traffic.

I proved to myself in this last job that when pressed, I can learn new things, I can rally and step up.

And that has to be my attitude in this new one. I can't lose this job. This is what is going to take me to where I want to be, which is debt free, building my own personal business and achieving all my other goals.

There are many, many goals.

And I will blog about them as they unfold and come into fruition.

Lots of videos getting shot for the week.

So please look for them if you are someone who supports me by subscribing (free subscribes, I don't have paid ones...yet).

I thank you in advance for that.

Today's Short:

I hope you have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Here We Go

Hello Hello,

Well I don’t have to be to work for an hour and here I am sitting in my car…not smoking because I don’t want to reek when I get to work. I sprayed my car down an everything and I have gum. But I don’t want the smoke getting in my clothes or hair.

It’s hard to believe this has happened. Like, because it happened so quick! I didn’t pack any food or anything because he made it sound like I’m just going in to fill out paperwork.

I haven’t called my now former boss yet to give notice because I want to make sure all my t’s are crossed and I’d dotted etc. etc.

Boy I got fat. I’m gonna go get a pair of cheap jeans today. We can wear jeans everyday but I want at least one pair that fits comfortably.

I have dress clothes on today and my pants are stupid tight in all the wrong places but I have a long sweater on so that hides it. I wore my black converse though, don’t even care.

Makeup on but hat is wet. Again, it’ll be mostly dry by the time I arrive so….

So I went to sleep last night at 8:30 and I was up and down, but I mean for the most part good until about 3:30 3:50 or so and I was up for an hour and went back to sleep and got up at about 640. The goal is 5 AM and I know what I have to do and I have to be consistent and I have to put my foot down but the bottom line is I shut my door when I go to bed and that door does not open again until I get up. I just hear everything and my daughter goes to bed late, much later than I end. This has to be a non-negotiable. 

She does not make a lot of noise on purpose or anything like that, it’s just that I hear everything. So I’m going to have to go to bed with my door shut, the fan on and also a sound machine. Then I won’t hear shit. Which scares me in case a weirdo gets in, but I guess I’ll deal with it.

OK, I’m going to meditate something and then see how long this drive takes In traffic.

Woot woot.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Peppy?

Hi Everyone,

I have a very bad earache. It’s gotten worse as the day has progressed.

Honestly, it’s probably a pending tooth problem. Ouch.

Anyways, it’s kind had me down, that and the fat that once again, I didn’t sleep last night.

Ugh!

So did I blog about this yesterday? I no longer recall. I got the job, the one I interviewed for last week. I really don’t have many details as of yet. I go in tomorrow to sign the offer letter.

Well this is very strange, I wrote an entire post on my phone but came back to finish up on my computer and it's gone.

And I'm too worn out to write it all out again. I will be back tomorrow and hopefully, feeling a little more peppy.

Peppy. What a word.

Until then, be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Bonkers

 

Good Morning,

I hope you are all well. So first things first; I turned yesterday around. I pretty much was doing something on my list until 4, when I realized I was utterly exhausted.

I took a nap. It was supposed to be a short nap but it was a 3 hour nap. When I woke up, the apartment was dark, the blinds were shut and my daughter was sound asleep on the couch. I guess we both needed some zzzzzz's.

Problem is, the guy I interviewed with called while I was sleeping and left a VM. I called him back and left one.

I hope I didn't blow it, he hasn't called this morning and you know me, that causes some anxiety. But I am trying to blow through that and stay active.

If I don't hear by like, 10, I'm thinking of giving him another call. 

I hate this because you overguess yourself; should I call even though I already left a VM? Or does that look desperate? What if he missed the first message? Then it looks like I'm not interested.

Ugh.

You know, he could've called to say thanks but no thanks so I think I'll call at 10 and then I'll let it go. I'm going to go for a walk on the treadmill upstairs to get some of this anxious energy out of me.

And we'll go from there.

But yesterday? I hardly had to use the STOP skill/tool. I had a list and I stuck to it, one thing after the other and I checked each one off as I went.

I went to bed having cleaned, having exercised, having stuck to my mealplan, having applied for jobs, it was all good. And now, because I am feeling bonkers, I am going to get moving so as not to drive myself from bonkers to bonked.

Today's short: 

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

A Lot of Sh*t Today

 

Good Morning,

Yes, good, it's still morning for 7 more minutes here in Minnesota. 

First, today is beautiful. It's going to be the last day of it's kind for as far out as the forecast goes. 

Second, I woke up this morning and everything felt horrid.

I didn't get enough sleep, my IBS was such that while I've actually only gone twice, it was horrific. No bueno at all.

The world and my life seemed like shite.

Beyond, ya know, the IBS.

Just everything felt like shite.

But.

I did make a list for myself for today. And this whole STOP thing? Today, I said STOP to myself when I felt like I wanted to give up yet another day; not do shit.

Boy, I'm talking about shit a lot here on this post. But it is what it is.

And I am going through everything on my list for the most part, how I wrote it down to do it.

I do have to add in a trip to the grocery store and a pick up from Cub and to get gas.

I'm checking things off as I go in the hopes that it will inspire me to keep fucking going. Energizer bunny style.

I got on the scale this morning and I'm both mad and glad I did. I'm over 180 and that STOPS now. I will not weigh myself again until Saturday. I needed to see that. No more excuses. If I stick to my meal plan, I want to see how that affects the scale and then make the necessary adjustments.

I am also getting all my fluids in for the day and that actually makes you gain weight at first, especially if you're chronically dehydrated. It goes right through you at first but slowly, your body starts absorbing it and you will gain weight from that. So you have to give it time to become the norm.

So if I can stick to my plan and keep hydrating, I should have a number I can trust on the scale Saturday AM.

As you know, I have ceased and desisted on writing out my daily lists. I'm going to go until bedtime and I'm going to pray I get some good sleep tonight.

I had the window open last night but of course, I don't open it all the way because Pumpkin loves open windows but she's so big, I'm afraid she'll knock the screen out and fall so I only open it about maybe 5 inches or so. But then she sits up there, on the ledge and cries. I cannot afford to run the air yet. I know that sounds crazy...air conditioning? in Minnesota? In March?

Yeah, for real though. Once it gets into the 40s outside, this place heats up like you would not believe and then...it's on. I slept naked, under a sheet and a lightweight blanket last night with the window open and the fan on and I still overheated.

And my daughter was out last night and when she got home, I woke up. Not her fault, she wasn't loud but man...I'm just such a light sleeper. If I don't shut my door completely, it opens all the way and I won't shut it completely because the cats like to get in and out and honestly, if I shut the door completely, they will meow and meow until I give them what they want anyways.

Today, as far as STOP, I am stopping coffee again and I am stopping laziness and the voices that tell me it's OK to just sit on the couch and veg and I am stopping the voices that tell me terrible things about myself.

Below is today's short and yesterday's long form video. Please like (give them a thumbs up), subscribe to my channel and all the good stuff.

I appreciate you!!

Alright, well I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Overthinking

Well Good Morning,

I am posting from my phone because my cat, my beautiful Grey, has commandeered my lap. There are two things I cannot do without her intervention;

One is I can’t go to the bathroom. Every time I go into the bathroom, she gets up from wherever she is and follows me in. If I dare to sit upon the throne, she jumps up on my lap and starts purring. Once in awhile, she plops down and…I’m trapped. Usually though, she gets her footing and then jumps from my lap to the sink. I then had to turn in the faucet but just so, so she can drink from it. Again, she spends quite a bit of time getting herself situated fo her drink and I am usually fine and need to wash my hands at this point. So now I just go into the other bathroom to wash my hands and then I have to go get her because she has a very hard time with landings as she’s older now. It’s a whole process and she runs this show.

The other thing I can’t do is sit down or lie down. Up she comes and makes herself comfortable.

She’s slowing down so much and she has good days and hard days and I don’t know how much time I have left with her as she could go downhill quickly. And so…I allow her to stay as it gives her comfort. This cat is a one person girl. And I’m her person.

At any rate, I digress.

I had fun yesterday!!!!

My daughter wanted to try this pizza place in South Minneapolis. Once we got there, I realized that it was one that I had wanted to try too. They were featured on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives a long time ago.

The name of the place is Pizzeria Lola and it was delicious. She has a lot of unique pizzas to choose from. We had the Korean barbecue pizza and the sweet Italian. 

While we were eating, I was lamenting the fat that the area we live in has no good bread bakeries. So she looked some up in the area we were in and lo and behold, we found a cannabis bakery.

I’m not going to rewrite my thoughts on THC an addiction because I don’t need to explain myself. I was taking gummies nightly to help with sleep but when they stopped working, I stopped taking them because you do build a tolerance to THC and I didn’t want to have to keep increasing over time. This little shop is very cute and the owner was so charming and unique. 

He has about 5 different kinds of cookies and he is completely transparent regarding how much of everything is included in one cookie because there’s different kinds of CBD in them too.

I decided to give one a try and just see how I slept.

It took about a good hour for it to kick in with the high increasing in intensity for a good while. It was too much for me so what I want to do, is go back and get some more cookies and use them only on Saturday nights, a half cookie and I’ll take my “bougie bath” about a half hour after ingesting.

I’ll just keep the other cookies frozen for each week. 

Because in spite of a bit of waking up, I did get in over 7 hours last night and knowing that I’ll be guaranteed one good night a week? I’m good with that.

And the one thing I absolutely loved about this? My body relaxed. It relaxed on a level I didn’t know existed.

The name of the shop is Chez Annalise CannaBakery.

Check them out now, thank me later.

Then my daughter came over. Her and her hubby bought a house and they close next weekend.

So she’s busy clearing out things she doesn’t want or need and she brought 3.5 bags of stuff over for my youngest and I to go through and make our own.

I guess…everything about the day was either chill, or us laughing and just talking and it was such a nice day.

I love my kids so much. It means so much to me to spend time with them!

Ok, Word of the week is STOP. Just stop and I’m gonna focus on those things that I can literally just…stop. Like I said in today’s short, there will be emotional fallout but…just stop.

I’m not sure if my daughter works today and if she does, I’m not sure when. So whatever I do, I have to jump into it knowing that when she wakes up, it could be we have to go NOW, or I’ll have some time before I have to drop her.

I’m worried about her. She’s had some disappointments recently. Nothing earth shattering but I just worry. She may need a mom day too. Just to get out of the apartment when she’s not working and do something fun.

Lots to think about this week.

But. Not overthink. Overthink no bueno.

I try to do no more.

Okie, have a good day beauties.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Inspo Today

Good Morning!

I am a crabby, impatient B this morning. I was literally up all night. Input about 4 hours of sleep together but…I feel like a maniac. 

The interview I had the other day is fucking with me big time. I’m second guessing everything and I think I have to come to a place of peace with this. If I get it, I’ll know when I know but in the meantime, let’s just move on from this shall we?

The apartment is clean except for my bathroom which I’m about to go take care of shortly. I have to poop and I’m becoming poop avoidant if that’s a thing…like I hate it so much, I try and hold that shit in until I absolutely have to do it.

Ok, well that went somewhere didn't it? Sheesh.

It's later now. I feel better. My daughter had to work and she really couldn't sleep either so we were up talking quite a bit. She had an "interesting" evening last night through no fault of her own and we were discussing that.

She's at work now and my middle child, my first girl, is coming over in about an hour and we'll be spending the afternoon together.

Oh I wish I had inspiration or words of wisdom to impart today but y'girl is tired AF. I think Imma lay down til my darling arrives.

My only goal for today is to clean my bathroom and put the clean sheets on my bed and do bougie bath.

Easy peasy...

Have a great day, all of you and thank you for stopping by.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Howling of The Wolf People

 

Good Morning!!

Ok, so you know at least I've been up today and moving around. Today, the weather is awful. It's warmer than usual but rainy and gray and that causes a chill.

It is so hard to be motivated in this weather but shall we just be honest with ourselves here? It's almost always hard for me to be motivated.

Whatever. 

I am determined to go to be with a clean apartment. Oh no, not cleaning again. Well...yeah, fucking cleaning. Because once again, this apartment is so small. And if I have even one day of laziness, it's a no go, it's gets messy and the kitchen? I cook one meal and it looks like a nuclear bomb went off.

Whatever.

I had an interview yesterday! It was amazing.

But I won't know for a couple weeks and that's hard.

I'm going to send off a thank you email shortly.

Gotta do that.

Last night, I was awoken at :AM by people howling like wolves off in the distance.

It scared the crap out of me.

The funny thing is, I was at a party when I was a teenager and my sister and I left with two guys and we were walking to the house of one of the guys we were with and this other guy who had been at the party, had left and run off and he too, howled at the moon that night. We could mark his progress based on how loud or far away the howls were.

Yes, I have known some very interesting people in my life.

Most of these kind of meetings tended to be in my young adult life, not quite as many crazies now and I am A-OK with that shit.

These days I still like funny, quirky, interesting but only if it comes with kindness and compassion. There are so many people I've reconnected with over the years that turned out to be...yucko and I realized that I was longing to connect with who they were so long ago. You know, I've changed too. There are people from my teen years I would never hang out with or develop friendships with now. And the really amazing thing for me, is that I've connected with people I knew but didn't hang out with way back when, but they are AMAZING people.

I am blessed.

I've been trying diligently to reach out to people and ask to get together because they don't. And that's fine, we're all busy. I just have grown so sick of rotting away in my apartment during this layoff and all the stress that has gone with it that I need human connection.

It's beautiful.

I was thinking about my past this morning and trying to figure out if there really is anyone from my past that I want to reconnect with and I don't. I'm good.

I have room for new friends and for the ones here now but...the past? Let it fucking stay there.

Alright, I gots to go.

Have a great day all.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Priorities

Hollah!

How’s everyone doing this morning? While I would like some sunshine, i’m just feeling Miss Mary sunshine inside myself today.

I will never cease to be amazed at how one night of good sleep can literally turn my attitude around. And it reminds me that I have got to make sleep a priority.

I suppose there are many things that should be a priority and I try to make them priorities but my brain is so filled with floody, fluffy, sometimes kaka, that I just can’t seem to get a grip.

I woke up at four but that’s OK because I went to bed at 8:30 and I was ready to go. I have meditated, I have gone for a walk, I posted a short, and now I’m writing this blog.

There is much that will be done today. And perhaps I will have some good news at the end of this day.

But I have to remind myself of what I’m grateful for, because if I don’t have good news, I still have things to be grateful for. The rent is paid. Again.

As hard as I am on myself. I am loved by others. I had the funniest Phone call with my Bestie yesterday a.m. I got the rent money like I said. I went grocery shopping. I talked to my sister on the phone last night too. I would just ask that you keep her sweet pup in your mind and heart.

She is one of the sweetest dogs I’ve ever met, she is a beautiful greyhound. And she is living beyond the life expectancy of a greyhound, but she is having some difficulties. Please send some healing thoughts to her.

Well, for the first time in ages, I have to get ready for something in the morning. So I am going to go do that.

I wish you a day filled with productivity, happiness, blessings and gratitude.

I wish you love.

Love & Light,

Neecie

A Grasp?

Hi All,

Oh man. I am off the charts today. Can you say anxiety? One is that I have to yet again ask someone for money. For rent, which I have until tomorrow to pay. And also because I have a second interview tomorrow and if I get this, I could be working next Monday. And applying for a part time job.

This could be over.

But of course, that’s a grasp, right? Because I don’t know if I’ll get it.

I can’t calm down so I’m trying to stay busy.

And get the apartment clean, because if I start working two jobs, cleaning will be…interesting.

Oh you guys, I’m terrified. Terrified of getting the job and terrified of NOT getting the job.

If I get this, my debt could be paid off in 18 months. I’d keep the second job for another six months so I could save up to move out of here.

Ok, calm down darlin’, we ain’t there yet and this ship hasn’t set sail so fuck a duck and get through this day.

I grocery shopped. A neighbor gave me a $50 dollar gift card and that feels me out but it was nice so imma make some cookies and give him some as a thank you.

Ok, well apparently I’m nuts so let’s this out this entry out of its misery and get on with it.

I hope you are all having an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

In the Midst

Hello There,

The picture I tried to insert from my phone doesn’t seem to be working, sorry about that.

I have not been able to move today. I have some weird virus. I can feel it in my chest but that’s no cough, no shortness of breath. I am sneezing however, I have a headache and I’m so tired it feels like I weigh 500lbs when I get up and walk around.

And that makes all the other stuff hurt and feel worse; the mental health stuff. 

I don’t want this life…the way it is. No one else can change it though. No one. Just me. God seems to be being stingy with his/her/their miracles of late.

And I need a miracle. Money? Well that would be great but no, if given a choice, I would choose the miracle of healing. Get rid of this mental health shit, be the kind of person who has a dream and goes for it and doesn’t stop, who doesn’t question themselves - self confidence supreme. Be the kind of person who has no shame, who believes in themself but has no arrogance.

Someone who has the fucking energy to help others.

Then…yeah, some money would be great. And if there was no choice, only money, I’d take it and try to fix this shit myself.

I don’t feel good. My head hurts. My head hurts a lot so I’m giving myself grace and I’m gonna get through today and then we’ll see what we can do about getting through this thing called life.

See, I continue to have good days and bad days. I cry a lot because I’m so very unhappy.

But the Universe provides happy moments in the midst of all this and that keeps me going. No self-pity. It is what it is and I go on.

That’s today.

And that’s ok.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Accomplishing Procrastination On a New Level

Good Morning,

Ugh! I woke up with the crud. My plan is to go back to bed and get some more sleep. But I seem to be procrastinating that. Geez, when you start procrastinating laziness, then apparently you experience laziness on a level that I personally did not know could be achieved. Ha! So I have already accomplished something. 

I bummed about it because I was supposed to meet a friend but I really am sick with a little something and my body is just…meh.

Plus, she is blessed to have a job. I don’t want to get her sick and force possible time off on her.

I’m so tired.

Well let’s try and write something productive shall we? Back to bed and then the word of the week is STOP. I’m going to make a list of all the changes I want to make that require one simple thing; like, literally no effort. These are the things that all I have to do is STOP doing them. No other effort whatsoever. Just STOP.

Because that will get a whole slew of shit out of the way. Yeah, yeah, believe me, I know. Easier said than done but sometimes I react better to simplification. Simple mind, simple girl, just fucking STOP.

I overthink everything. I think we’ve established that. So it is no new news to you and it is no new news to me.

I got a little boom from the universe yesterday, but it’s one that’s freaking me out.

I had a neighbor knock on my door last week and it was a dude, a younger dude. He was asking me all sorts of questions. He lives up on third floor and him, and his roommate are considering transferring to the apartment across from me. So he wanted to know if my neighbors are loud, etc. and he wanted to introduce himself and all that.

That’s really nice, but I am a freak of nature and these kinds of contact throw me off. Remember that I am an extroverted introvert. I don’t want to know my neighbors. And I don’t remember before I quit blogging, if I told you about the lady that lives on third floor also. Apparently third floor breeds strangeness. Yeah, she is very nice but very different. And she is the opposite of what I am politically. I am trying so hard to work on the kindness thing and just let people be who they are, but when it comes to my personal life, I just can’t get on board with certain things. I can let her be what she is, but it doesn’t mean I want to pursue a friendship. She made a statement last week in the hallway and I had to tell her that I don’t believe that and that my politics are very different from hers. I could tell she was upset.

So anyway, that happened with the Dude last week and yesterday, I came inside yesterday and he was at my door again. I’m sure that I made it clear I was not happy about this turn of events. Well then he gave me an Aldi gift card.

And I felt really bad, because it was a lovely gesture. It really was. He has no idea of how I am and that stranger interactions freaked me out. And he ended the conversation with, God bless you.

I will probably have to say this over and over and over again. I am not anti-Christian, my personal belief system encompasses things that can be found in all religions, and I celebrate the fact that people get to choose what they believe. Unfortunately, God bless you now comes with fully loaded possibilities. For me, there are some who have weaponized that statement.

I make certain assumptions. I did say thank you and you too. And I do feel awful because the gift card was for $50. This means we’ll eat this week. Keep in mind that I’m three days away from rent and still need to come up with about $400.

So eating this week was not going to be in the plan. I’m grateful. I am going to get him a thank you card and give it to him. It’s the kind, right thing to do.

The universe provided through him and I have to remember that receiving and then saying thank you doesn’t mean I have to be buddy buddy with him. If he is what I fear he is, I am not obligated to sit and listen to it.

I need to just be grateful and move on.

It’s so funny, because I have so many friends who have helped us in one way or the other and done very kind, thoughtful things but when it’s a stranger, I freak out and I think that there are underlying motivations, and I get suspicious and scared.

Clearly, I need to stop doing this.

OK, well I think I am going to go lay down now. Here is my short for the day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Neecie's Unfiltered Mindset

 Hi Guys,

I do not have a logo or cover pic yet for this new leg of the blog. I will in time.

For those of you in the know, I have changed my FB business page to Neecie's Unfiltered Mindset. I did this because let's face it, y'girl been slow to the punch when it comes to Willow's Whimsy.

My YouTube channel remains the same: Willow's Whimsy. Link here: Willow's Whimsy. Please take a tour over there and check me out, subscribe, like a video, comment, what have you.

And speaking on comments, they are shut off on my shorts but I keep 'em open on my long form videos. This is because since I use filters on my shorts, I look better than I really look, lmao, and I garner much unwanted attention from the opposite sex. No one has done anything creepy but my shorts/videos/sharing of my journey is no way whatsoever, to garner attention from, or snag me, a man. Again, that ship has sailed and I'm all good on that front. I don't mean to be hurtful or judgemental of anyone who has shared nice comments with me, it's just that kind of attention makes me feel very uncomfortable and is not what I seek.

I am finally growing my channel, thanks to the shorts I post and I do not want to have to start over there with a second channel, which is what I'd have to do if I split them up the way I am doing with my pages on FB and probably instagram as well although I've been remiss over there as well.

So. Here is the link to my newly named but old FB page: Neecie's Unfiltered Mindset.

If you previously followed, you are still following. If you did not, I would love it if you would go over there and like/follow it. Thank you!!

On this particular page, I am sharing all of the journey other than my Willow's Whimsy business. That will have it's own page at some point.

So what will be on this updated and newly named page? All of the mental health, physical health, emotional and sometimes spiritual health stuff...my struggles, my successes, my own personal feel goods - videos and shorts, blog posts, food, fun stuff I do, my hobbies, all of that kind of stuff. I want the journey on my page to mirror and reflect the changes and my life as they/it unfolds.

Why is the blog back? My sister said it's funnier. You know, then my videos. 

And it is. I am going to try on some level to be less morose and serious on my channel but I just really struggle with authenticity. Not that I lie, I don't mean that but I'm not "me" on there, my funny, smart ass, foul mouthed persona does not always come through, nor my ability to laugh at myself and be like...seriously, dude, what the actual fuck.

That's it, that's why I'm back.

I hope you all have a great day and bear with me as I get back into this and as the page changes and this finally becomes whatever it's really meant to be.

Love & Light,

Neecie