Hi There!!
Happy St. Patty’s to you.
If I could go back in time, a whopping 58 years to be exact, today would be the day I got baptized.
Contrary to what some might believe, my flesh did not burn when the holy water hit, lol!
At any rate, I slept last night.
I did a burning. I wrote out all the things I need to let go of and all the things I just need to "STOP" doing and I burned it in my cauldron with about 20 "butts" of palo santo wood that I use in my daily meditation. Palo Santo burns itself out and then smokes for those not in the know. It's a little bit like sage but it actually a wood and smells better in my opinion.
The thing is, when you light it, it's on fire and you have to blow the fire out in order for the smoke to come through.
So when I get to the end of a stick, I'll basically burn my fingers if I try to light it so instead, I save these and last night, we had a great burning, right smack dab in the middle of my living room.
I'm kind of shocked the fire alarms didn't go off. I opened the balcony door and I put the oven fan on.
And someone knocked on my door at about midnight, woke me up, but I didn't answer.
Mind your own damn business.
I feel like it was a cleanse in that I evacuated a lot after I did this ritual and I felt sick but then I slept like a dream.
Pumpkin came in as she does early morning most days and I wish I could explain how precious she is. Usually, she wants pets and if I put my hand in a vulnerable position as I pet her, she attacks; grabs my hand, does the hind paw thing and bites. I end up with scratches. She's not trying to be mean, she just wants to play but this morning...I mean, call me a sentimental ass, but I hope I remember this morning forever. She came in and plopped down by my face and I was petting her and then she did grab for my hand but she held it in both paws and proceeded to give it a bath. Then, she moved from laying on her side, to laying on her stomach and she draped both front legs over my forearm and she took the skin from my arm in her teeth and was gently pulling. She doesn't break the skin when she does this, it's very gentle.
It was about 45 minutes of just loving each other. I tell her every morning how much she means to me and how grateful I am to have her in my life.
My Grey...it's breaking me. In some respects, she's still just Grey. But she struggles with some things and seems to have bad days and good days. She's crabbier and I wonder if she's in pain. She's unsteady on her feet when she jumps and I oftentimes help her now.
My biggest thing with her is pain. If she's in pain, I will never be one of those people who hang on too long, out of my selfish desire to keep her with me. I've seen that before and it's so unfair.
So I watch and I just love her.
She has always gone ballistic when I make the bed but yesterday, it really stressed her out. She was hissing and growling and just pissed off about the whole thing.
I have been so damn all over the place with the smoking and you know, I thought about it this morning and because I am having such a hard time with everything, I have to look at this as a process and make a decision about it and then stick to it, whatever the plan is.
I don't think I have it in me to go cold turkey, so for the next week, I am going down to half a pack. I've had days where I only smoked one or two but those are hard days for me. I think I can handle 10. If I'm under that, great, but I still have the option of 10. And if I do go under that, like say I smoke 9, it's still 10 the next day. There's no hoarding them so I can go off the rails and binge smoke.
Today, I have to clean a bit, not a full on clean, but a bit, because we are having inspections tomorrow. I also have to get litter and clean out the boxes so they are fresh.
I won't be here when they come and we have 3 cats. We are only allowed to have two so I hope Mocha does what she usually does, which is to hide. They will be going into both bedrooms and bathrooms so I am going to have make sure both of them are clean as well.
So just cleaning today and trying to get in some exercise, smoke 10 cigs, bathe, and eat but not overeat. That's another STOP thing, just stop overeating or binge eating.
BOOM.
Alright, well, I hope you all have a great day.
May the wind at your back, never be your own.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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