My Truth

I thought I’d wrote another post tonight because I have to get my head in a good place for tomorrow and I don’t want to waste any time. Every single minute will be accounted for tomorrow.

I’m not playin’.

I am just sick in my heart.

This is what hitting bottom really feels like. I’ve been here before, just before it was because a whole different situation, you know, my addiction.

This is a whole nother beast and I am navigating much of the same feelings; shame, guilt, defeat, humiliation, fear, self-pity, regret and remorse and grief. They are all there but also a new one; disbelief.

Like. How did this happen? How did I let this happen? I mean this whole thing shows me the depth of my denial and my ability to justify so many damaging things.

I’m not done it would seem. There is more to overcome.

The good thing about hitting bottom, is that the only way left to go is up. I will know relatively quickly if that’s true.

If I make it through this without choosing the route I’m wanting to choose, as soon as I get a good job with insurance, I’m getting more help. I’m willing.

I can’t seem to get there on my own.

Would I like that opportunity? For sure but I’m in enough emotional pain as it is and if don’t catch a break, a really big one, there’s going to be even more pain and I’m too old. I’m too tired. At least I know my limitations.

I think we’re good for tomorrow. I think I’ll be ok for tomorrow. But I gotta stay busy.

I can’t stop.

I gave in and bought myself a notebook to write down my daily schedules and to journal this fresh hell I get to walk through. The outcome remains to be seen.

I have only myself to blame. I mean…the Universe made me this way so there’s that. But even so…

It is what it is.

Tomorrow I stay busy.

Have a good one.

D

Debbie Downer Got Me

Good morning,

Oh man, yesterday was bad. And yesterday ended up being a sit on the couch, full on ugly, crying, self pity, kind of day.

It’s so hard when you do genuinely want to fix everything and the universe, sometimes it really does feel like it conspires against you.

That’s the self-pity part you know, why me? Why not me. I lived a lifetime a bad choices in every aspect of my life that a person can make bad choices. And I really thought I had hit bottom with the financial piece and just genuinely want to learn how to accept life for what it is and what I can and can’t have and understand that no one deserves to have anything, but if they work for it, they can have some things.

And I become willing to make the payments and do the work and just keep going, but the universe just keeps throwing shit at me. I don’t believe this is my karma. I believe this is life and I know that had I made different choices in the past, we would not be sitting in this situation right now. When I say we, I mean my daughter and I and our cats.

That’s the problem with bad choices is that it so often times pulls other people into it. That has never been my intention and I want so badly to be in a place where I can fix this stuff but you look back and you can’t help but see that you have had so many opportunities and you chose not to.

Looking back on the past and saying, I wish I would’ve never done that. I wish I would’ve got my shit together sooner. All these things, they don’t matter because I didn’t do them then. And I am here and I am dealing with this now.

Yes, I had a pity party yesterday. That horrible pain in my back came back and I don’t have insurance and I can’t apply through the state. Everybody and their brother wants to tell me what to do, but none of it is practical.

I don’t expect anyone to help me. Because what I wish for, could never happen. There’s no one in my life that could do that for me and there’s…. I don’t know, I’ve given up on wishing. Wishing doesn’t get you anywhere.

I’m just tired.

I’m tired of struggling all the time and I don’t want this to be the rest of my life.

I can’t have as many things as other people have. I probably will never be able to. I’ve given up the dream of ever owning a home, I’ve Given up a lot of my dreams because at my age, they are no longer achievable.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t have it in me to just let the bills go and to go into a state of, what do you call that when you don’t pay your bills? I just know I don’t have that in me to go through that. I’ll take myself out because I can’t. I can’t do it.

But I don’t know if I can continue to fight either. Because I need some kind of break. You can’t make people hire you. It’s so competitive out there right now. You can’t make the lottery number picker pick you. I don’t know.

I don’t have any answers right now. I got nothing.

My head, which is always spinning with ideas and plans and thoughts, it’s empty. Like I said, I got nothing.

So what does that mean for today? Well I’m gonna take the money I had towards rent since we’re not gonna make it now and I’m gonna pay my bills. And I will try and work through the back pain and make some bath bombs. It’s all I have right now. It’s all I have to offer.

And if that’s not good enough for the universe, well then fuck you universe.

It’s literally all I have.

I’m sorry for a downer of a blog but believe in honesty, and I believe in sharing what I go through so that if I somehow make it out of this, I can share that with you all. We are not, as far as I know, we don’t ask to be born. We just are. And unfortunately, we are born imperfect. . And we journey through this life the best we know how. I don’t believe that the ultimate choice, which is to take yourself out of it, is a sin or as bad when you weigh the consequences to others by you being here. I don’t want other people to stress because of me and I don’t want other people to feel like they have to help me and I don’t want other people to struggle because of me in anyway. 

Again, I’ve had a lifetime of that.

And I’m not there yet. At this point, it’s an option. It’s just an option.

And I just have to be honest about that too.

These are the things I’m thinking and what’s going through my head and some of it. Yes, is self-pity. Again, the why me? And the answer to that, again, is why not me.

So there you have it, that’s where I’m at today. My back is fucking killing me. Someone did send me some money for groceries and did write on the message, no cigs, lol. So I will spend it all on food as we have none right now.

I hope you all have a good day. I really do. I’m just gonna do me and try to get through it and maybe tomorrow I’ll have a different perspective.

People in AA used to say don’t leave five minutes before the miracle happens. Well, it’s been more than five minutes. But we’ll just see what today brings.

Be blessed.

Love & Light, 

Neecie

Walk I Will

 

Hello!!!

Well, I did indeed knock it out of the park yesterday, that's the good news. The bad news is that from the standing in one place while making the bathbombs yesterday, that weird upper back pain is back and it frickin' hurts.

So today, I'm still gonna hit it but each thing I do will be followed up by 15 minutes of chair massage, 20 minutes of heat packs, 20 minutes of ice. I'm going to do some yoga too. The weird thing about this is that it doesn't hurt when I'm walking. So walk I will.

There is much to be done today and I'm going to force myself to do bougie bath and I'm gonna put about a gajillion cups of epsom salts in that bad boy; anything that might help with the pain. Now is not the time to slow down.

But it is the time to figure out what will help my back the most.

Just swim.

God, that might actually help too. I'm not sure if the county I live in has any community pools but the town I grew up in does. I might have to go for it.

I haven't meditated today, which throws me off a bit because I always start my day that way. But sitting still hurts.

Oh. You know what I just thought of? So I should make an oil that might help. I have camphor, menthol, peppermint and eucalyptus essential oils. I could make a blend and put that on each repetition I do of the chair, heat and cold.

I have this thingee that I got off of amazon a couple years ago that looks like a back brush for the shower but it's got a flat surface and that's how I get lotion on my back. So I can use that to work in the oil.

Cool. It's as good as done.

I don't have too much more to say right now so I guess I better get up and just get going.

I hope you all  have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Shift

 

Hello and Happy Black Friday,

Not me. I mean, happy day but I'm not giving into the pressure of "black friday" and all it's perceived benefits.

I have my own benefits to reap.

I've shifted; a couple days of bla and blues and now...I've shifted.

My sister and I have had talks about the shift and what it is. I really don't know how to describe it in other terms. It's when I've been in the hum drums of the status quo and I'm not happy, not motivated, pretty much not anything and then...something shifts.

I feel better, I feel happy, I feel motivated.

That's where we are at today; the shift. I'm just better and I no longer question this, I simply run with it.

I had such a precious thanksgiving. We did not do the usual fair as far as cooking. My son hosted and we had a ton of pizza and cheesebread and snacks and desserts. He covered it all. And our family was together.

And it made me happy. It humbled me and I was, and continue to be, so grateful.

And today man, Imma roll with dat.

I hit 600 subscribers yesterday and woke up this morning and I am at 603. That's 4 subscriber in one day. Thank you to the kind souls who did that.

More to be grateful for.

And I am. I really, really am.

So today...we'll roll with things and I'll be back tomorrow to tell you all about it.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

You know, I used to question whether I should even celebrate this day. Because what it’s based on is a lie. It was a narrative based on something that we don’t even know if it was true or not.

I believe the original Thanksgiving happened and perhaps people did have good intentions, the people that were there. I have no idea.

One could spend an entire lifetime being completely baffled by history and the way we treat each other. But I have chosen to spin my own narrative on this day itself without taking history into account because I live my life daily in a way that tries to spread love and acceptance and equality for all. 

I just try as hard as I can to focus on what I’m grateful for. I try to do that every day, but on this day, I choose to look at it as a culmination of all the things I am so grateful for.

Today, I will be with my family and that means everything. My son is hosting and I think that that is absolutely fabulous. Yeah, I am grateful we will all be together.

As a family, we have suffered some pretty heavy losses in the last couple years and being together is important now. More important than ever.

I posted the final gratitude short on my YouTube channel. I need one more subscriber to get to 600 subscribers. My tiny little channel has grown this year and for that, I am so grateful.

Here is today’s post:

I hope you all have an amazing day. If you have worries, or you toil, or your heart is heavy for some reason, my wish for you is that you could let it go for one day and focus on what you’re grateful for. It’s hard. I am in tears as I write this, but I am going to try and focus on gratitude. I am going to enjoy the time with my family. 

Again, happy Thanksgiving.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Not Much About Much

Hi Everyone,

Sorry for the no post day or two. I just sortof deflated. Reality set in and I flaked out a bit. But I am OK now. 

It snowed! Finally.

Now it is feeling like Minnesota. While I wish we would've gotten more, I'll take it.

My daughter and I are gonna go play in it a bit later tonight. We have a park right behind our parking lot and I can see all the dogs going out to play in it. I wish I had a dog.

Whatevs, hopefully someday.

Somehow Yahoo became my default search engine and I had to go through a whole thing to get it off of my stuff.

Fuckin' technology man.

Anyways, I don't have too much to write. I'm off today. Not bad, but off and now is NOT the time to be off.

So anyways, just wanted to check in. 

Tomorrow will be the last day of my gratitude shorts. I am starting to get interactions in the form of comments but I think some of them are bots.

Whatever.

Anyways, maybe I'll feel better tomorrow so I'm out for now and I will be back then!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

 

Let Me Have My Moment

 

Good Morning!

Well, I got up and suffice to say I've been at it. Got all my regular morning stuff done, am blogging and will be moving on to Unemployment and job search.

Per the now norm, I won't write everything out but while job search needs to be a part of my daily routine, let's just say that if I do all I want to today, I can focus almost solely on job search for the rest of the week. So it'll be worth it to push myself today.

We all know I struggle with that but so be it.

Today I don't try, like Yoda I only do...no try.

I wish I could express the relief I'm feeling right now. Everyone is so quick to say, "you need to fnid a job."

I am aware.

But let me have my moment.

Let me sit in the relief and pride and feelings of accomplishment; let me reflect on what that can mean for me going forward.

And so that will be my day.

That will be my day.

Busy but on my terms and taking the time for so much gratitude and happiness in this moment of my life.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Distasteful

 

Hi Everyone,

And Good Morning!

Ok, so. Yesterday was a...I mean, it was bizarre and distasteful and overall not good. Amazing what a night of sleep will do for you.

Pumpkin came up and slept with us (my daughter slept with me last night) and she was ridiculously cute.

Lots of weird ass dreams but no bad ones. My daughter dreamt about mom. She came to her. I think my daughter needed that.

Today is just gonna be today.

Yes, there are plans but nothing written in stone so to speak.

Since I am not working, I have decided that rollerskating will happen on Wednesday nights. It's cheaper and they play old school rock. 

Part of what has made it hard for me to want to go on Sunday mornings is the music they play. Me no likey.

I'm kindof doing things haphazardly. Laundry. Dishes. I need to do the whole apartment because I let everything go this last week and a half but there are no excuses now.

I've been showering a bit obsessively now that I don't have to go back to that stinky trailer, I just want to feel clean.

I realized that I haven't felt truly clean in months. I gave myself a hair mask this morning and I'm going to take a bougie bath tonight because I didn't do it last night. Yesterday got away from me, I felt out of control almost from the time I woke up and what I mean by that is circumstances around me felt out of control and I didn't like it and so I gave up, did the couch potato thing. 

Today, I will not be doing that.

I am almost to 600 for subscribers. I'm so happy. This happened all on it's own. I owe a huge debt to Pumpkin for that because every time I make a short about her, I gain a subscriber or two and then people find out I'm not a cat channel and they like the other shorts I do and it's amazing.

I do intend to shoot one or two longform videos today.

And work on cleaning and projects and getting some bathbombs going.

I'm going to post my VisionList for the year too. I'll have to probably include a link so people can see it. So hopefully, tomorrow I'll be able to do that.

Alright, well loves, I'm outta here and on with it as they say. Today can be better. 

I think I might turn my phone off. I'm kindof over people today and although I want to be seeing people, I don't want to deal with anyone today because yesterday was too much. 

A good, productive day is what I need.

I hope your day is good.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Biscuits

Hi Everyone,

What was supposed to be a good, relaxing day didn’t turn out that way.

Whatevs.

I slept so good last night. And I took a nap today.

A friend of mine called me this morning and she’s one I don’t talk to often so I took the call. Nice to catch up. The rest of the morning was a bit of a shit show.

Pretty much can say at this point, I’ve had enough of the shit show. I have literally lived the shit show for the past six months. I am over the shit show.

But it’s been very nice to hear from people who have really nice things to say to me. You know, sticking with this job is not some spectacular feat and I get that. Normal people do it all the time. But I’m gonna give myself some grace here and some props and say that all the people telling me they’re proud of me, thank you. Because we all know, I am not normal. And while I sometimes think it would be nice to be normal and that it has some strange appeal, it really doesn’t. Sticking with this job and all that came with it, is a big fucking deal for me. It’s not my norm. I am proud of myself. And I am going to allow myself to have this moment. 

And then…we’ll just get on with it.

I’m not in a good head space today. Just had a weird conversation and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Obviously I DON’T feel good about it because it’s got me feeling a number of different emotions; at the person I had the conversion with and the person the conversation was about.

This is one of those times I have to let things sink in before reacting.

Can people just be happy?

Because I wanna be happy. My parade has been rained on for 6 fucking months and you know what? It’s MY fucking parade and if I want it to be sunny, everyone else can get on board or go away.

Hmph.

Now that we have that ascertained, I do believe I will get on with this weird fucking day.

I hope yours has been good and I will be back tomorrow.

Above is a very cute video of Pumpkin making biscuits.

When in doubt, make biscuits. ALWAYS make biscuits.

Be Blessed.

Love and Light,

Neecie

Turns Out…

I am here! At work. Early. For my last day. This can be my last day for the season or it can be my last day forever. 

It’s up to me and as y’all know, y’all who read this every day, you know I prefer the latter. 

I can’t believe I made it through all this. I have snot on my sleeve from crying in my car and they are tears of fucking gratitude bruh.

Grateful I made it through this and grateful it’s my last day.

So much stress will be gone. Yes, it will be replaced with new stressors but I got that.

I have to “got that.”

Besides learning that strong sucks but it’s necessary, I learned my value.

Turns out I have some.

So just gonna get through this day and then put this behind me.

Thanks for hanging in there with me as I traversed this latest chapter.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Won’t Miss This

Good Morning!

One more day after today. Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way, but I have to tell you that I am so relieved. It rained last night so the ground was wet and I don’t understand, I never will, given our weather, how many Minnesotans lose their minds when they’re driving In this stuff.

Like, stop.

Because I’m an old broad. My eyesight is not as good. It’s bad enough driving in the dark, but you add any moisture to the ground and the reflections from oncoming cars literally blind me.

Today, traffic was backed up and even on the back roads where I don’t usually see a lot of cars, it was one after the other and let me tell you driving on back. Roads is not fun, considering they’re not well lit and so when you have car after car, you have my bad eyesight, and you have all the reflection coming up. Suffice to say my drive was hell.

I won’t miss this at all.

I brought the wrong thing for breakfast or I mean my lunch because I Just grabbed it out of the freezer and it wasn’t what I thought it was. So eating should be interesting today.

Suffice to say I’m over that too.

Apparently, I’m over a lot today.

I have stuff to keep me busy all morning and part of the afternoon and then it’s cleaning.

So I don’t know if I’ll be here tomorrow or not.

Even though it would fuck me completely financially, not would be OK with me.

I am a crabby, bitch, I’m not going to deny it. I’m just trying to get through today.

Sometimes, that’s the best any of us can do.

All right, I hope you all have a really good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Back is Back

 

Hello Luvies,

Well another weird night but plenty of sleep in spite of going to bed super early again. So early, that I woke up at 7:55PM  thinking it was 7:55 in the morning.

But my back is all better. I just needed something to help me relax enough for those muscles to unclinch themselves.

I am uploading a new version of my long form video for the week. I forgot to add something to it so I didn't publish it but it will go up today.

I'm going to be late to work but I don't care. I'm going to be done with everything before Friday and I need those hours so...yeah.

I am fluctuating between panic and relief right now. I can literally feel the cortisol drop when panic sets in.

And as a result, I'm feeling exhausted again but this time, I'm not sick along with it, so I know this is "ME" fighting "me".

Quit fighting girls. Quit that.

I can do this for 3 more days. I can. I got this. Don't quit so close to the finish line girlfriend.

I'm a wee bit overwhelmed this morning but I'll be fine.

Look for the video, which will be posted this afternoon some time.

I hope you all have a good day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Better Off Without Them

Hi There,

Only Tuesday. Ok.

Even though this is my last week at work, Friday feels hundreds of years away. 

I haven't been wearing my fitbit, it's been weeks now. And I think I'm better for it. The only thing I'm worried about is my blood pressure but I'll figure that out soon enough. The Fitbit didn't track that anyways. It did measure my resting heart rate and I'm not sure if I want to track that because it was freaking me out. Going up again.

The point is that, all these things I'm attached to, all these ritualistic things...I feel like I need them but then I let go and I find out I don't need them at all. In fact, I'm just fine or better off, without them.

Now if I could just apply that to the smoking.

So. The back pain? I am sitting here pain free at the moment. I took two painkillers last night and they knocked me out but what I'm hoping happened, is that I was able to relax enough for it to "unlock" itself from whatever had it wound so tight.

We shall see as the day goes on. 

I just hope that's the case.

Oh, and the painkillers? I could never be an addict to those things. While the relief from pain and the floating was nice, I did get sick in the middle of the night. My tum just can't handle opiates and never has been able to.

I have one left, let's hope I don't need it. There's no way I can take it at work. I'm too much of a lightweight.

So I have another long form video uploading. I won't post the video until noon or so today. But there will be a gratitude short this morning.

I am trying really hard to stay in today and to be grateful and let that be my truth. Because fear is a bitch and she's a formidable one and this girl does not feel like fighting anymore.

So aligning myself with what is and finding gratitude is everything.

Alright, well I was too out of it to shower last night, so I'm gonna go do that quick and be on my way. 

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

 

Spaceship Outta Here

Oh you guys. No good morning for me.

My back.

This has never lasted this long. I kind of want to roll over and die right now. 

I can’t.

Where is tough, strong Denise? Where is Denise Motherfucking Johnson?

I don’t know man, she took the first spaceship outta here.

Cant say I blame her.

Not at all.

Ok.

Well in spite of this current conundrum, I did get some things done yesterday. It’s extremely hard to concentrate when I’m in pain but I did apply for a job. 

I did shoot two long form videos.

I did make myself some food and clean up after myself. 

I managed a shower.

Like nothing earth shattering here but I fucking did something.

The ol’ effin-heimer comes out WAY more when I’m in pain. 

No apologies. We all know I swear like a motherfucker and I’m not about to stop now.

I finally called a chiropractor, I cannot afford this. Can the Universe fucking stop throwing me things that cost money? This is not living, it’s not even surviving.

One good piece of news is someone I know haas something for the pain. It’s a prescription. So I know it’s safe. But I don’t blame people for seeking out relief however they can. 

Addiction is real. But I just wish this country had better insurance and I wish doctors were more prone to finding solutions, like getting to the root of the problem but giving you something in the interim.

No one should have to live with constant pain. This sucks. My little back problem hopefully is only temporary. I’ll get through this. I just am hoping that with the medication, I’ll finally be able to relax enough that maybe whatever this is, will have a chance to heal itself.

Fingers crossed. I’m not at all ashamed to admit that tonight and tomorrow at least, I won’t have pain.

Alright, I gotta go. 

Be Blessed Loves.

Love and Light,

Neecie

Nope

Good Morning,

And I suppose it is...a good morning. In theory. The sun is shining and it's not hot out, not humid, rather it's chilly and brisk.

I love that.

Alas, I am sitting here with the chair massager on. 

This pain in my back though...it's never lasted for this long.

As long as I am sleeping or moving, no paid but the minute I am still...it settles and in and grips me in a vice.  It's not what I would describe as agony, it's not that, no. But it's this deep, burning ache.

Ugh.

My daughter gave me a massage last night, just in the area where there is pain and that usually knocks it out. But nope. Put ice on it...nope. Took a steaming hot bougie bath with epsom salts...nope. Stretches...nope.

I don't know what to do. This will be my last week at work and I want to be able to get things done. I may have to take the chair massager with me. It's the only thing that allows me to sit in front of a computer for more than 60 seconds.

Anyways, enough about my pain.

Boring.

Yesterday was a knock it out of the park day. I had no choice! To stop  moving was to have my back go nuts so I kept moving.

Two projects out of the way; I took everything out of the fridge and I cleaned the shit of it. It sparkles. And I went through any area with cat puke stains and scrubbed them out. That one will now be something I do twice a month on cleaning weeks. But it was nice to get that taken care of. I did laundry, I  made chili, I grocery shopped. I filled up my gas tank, I went over to my friend's to drop something off...dishes, all the things. Again, I love having a clean space all around me. It's inspired my daughter to keep things neat too.

You just feel better and that's why I've been pushing through all these things. It makes me feel better and it keeps me feeling better.

Today is mainly about the projects, what remains of them,  a bit of baking and planning for my week. A good healthy dose of job search too.

Plus as of this moment, I intend to go rollerskating. So...yeah.

I guess I better go ready for that, not dressed yet.

I hope you all have a great day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Rare Form

 

Good Morning,

Ah, the wee little worker bees are at my blog again. 

Whatever.

Yesterday ended up being weird on all levels. First, waking up from that horrid dream. I had dreams last night again, but thankfully, nothing like that one.

Then, two things; first of all it was 71 degrees here yesterday...in November...in Minnesota. And I'm sick again, as things have been warming up again, I have been sick again; and that icky exhaustion has kicked back in. 

I'm telling you...it's something in that trailer I work in.

So as if that's not enough, I started having discomfort in my back. My sister explained, based on symptoms, what this probably is. Only I'm not my sister so I can't explain it here but I will after I speak with her again and then do some research because I suspect she's right and I suspect I need a chiropractor.

Thank God for my daughter getting me this massage thingee to put over my office chair. It has turned out to be one of the most useful gifts I've ever received. This problem does not cause my back to go out, like I can move around with ease. But it's this slow, burning ache that amps up in intensity every 4 minutes or so and then shoots up and down the areas of my back near it. It's not sciatica, it's not like that but my God, it hurts and when this happens, agony. Eventually, it always rights itself but a massage and a visit to the chiro would take care of it immediately. So anyways, I had to leave work early. 

Ugh, oh man, this is so gross. Before I left work, I was trying all these stretches and stuff, anything to ease this off and I laid down on the floor. Well you guys, that fucking carpeting hasn't been cleaned...ever. I reeked. I reeked so bad and when I got back in my car to pick my daughter up last night, my car reeked from it.

Fucking gross and only further cemented in my mind that it's something in that trailer causing this myriad of issues for me.

Today won't be as warm but even so, still temperate, so I'm going to try and get out for a walk at some point.

My sis came over last night and we hung out and talked really late...for both of us. So I went to bed at 1:00 and I'm tired but I'm gonna  just push right on through that.

I have a new project to add to the list; clean up all the cat puke spots. They have been in rare fucking form.

Anyways, today is just a day but I hope it's one filled with good stuff, productive stuff.

And I hope your day is whatever you want/need it to be.

Enjoy.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Breaking Bad…Patterns

Good Morning!!

Friday has arrived. I think I’ll be out of here early again today. It’s ok. As we get closer to the end game (next Friday), I feel my anxiety growing. It’s tough, this. But doing nothing allows me to sit in the anxiety and it grows; faith followed by action is really the only cure.

Doing something, anything, productive, helps. I feel myself resisting that and wanting to bury my head in the sand.

I can’t though.

Not if I want to break these patterns.

I’ve broken so many already. This can be done. Getting through this job with my sanity intact, this is fucking huge. The next lesson is to do everything in my power to find another job, to make my products and get them sold…I can do this!!!

Ok, all that said; you guys, I had a horrific dream last night. No serial killer shit or anything like that but still horrible.

Yeah, Homie, don’t play dat.

So…I know what I’m gonna focus on at work today. I know what tonight and tomorrow and Sunday morning will look like.

Micromanaging my life is how it has to be right now so that I can learn how to just make some things habit and have room for the good stuff and for spontaneity.

So I’m grateful for Fridays. Today, I am very grateful for Fridays. See video above.

Turns out I’m on my own at work today. Luckily, I have plenty to do. Like I said, depending on when I finish my projects, I may be leaving early. It’s not that I don’t have enough to do, it’s that if I finish up all my projects at say three or even 245, and I leave at 3:30, it doesn’t make sense to start a whole new project and have to come back and figure out where I was in it, that is a trigger for me, anxiety wise in something I have to work on, but maybe now is not that time.

So I may or may not go home early today, we shall see.

I wish you all a happy Friday.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Nada

Hi Everyone,

I completely blanked on blogging yesterday; like nada, not even a thought of it. 

I got stuff done last night.

I also brought my daughter out and she was able to see the Northern Lights. They weren’t as vibrant as the night before, but they were beautiful and she was happy to be able to say she’s seen them now.

I am knocking it out at work, which is unlike me, let’s face it, I put stuff off that I don’t want to do. I think we all do that to an extent. But tomorrow will be the one week mark until I’m done. I’ll walk out that Friday and that’s it. I feel badly not sharing that I have to find something else, but I do, I need more money if I can get it, I need to not have three months off as much as I thought that that would be wonderful and it would, if I had money. I need insurance that doesn’t cost $1000 a month. I don’t hold that against them at all because they are a small business and insurance in this country is a crock of shit right now.

I woke up before my alarm clock went off this morning, and I was able to get up and at least get ready without feeling rushed. Everything else I usually do fell by the wayside, but that’s OK. And I cried this morning. These tears, this is what I was going through before I started taking medication and so I know that this is either hormonal or depression linked. I give myself enough grace to allow the tears, but I don’t wall in them and I don’t try to evaluate them. Hey, the bottom line is I’m going through a lot right now, many of the people I love are going through a lot right now.

I’ve always said that the only guarantee we come with when we are born, is that we will die. I don’t mean it to be morose, rather just that life is what life is and so much of it we can’t control. Better to roll with it and do what you can to make it beautiful.

Alright, well I guess I better get some shit done. My boss has this huge checklist and although I’ve accomplished many checks, there is more to do.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Things I Can Live Without

Good Morning!

Well, something was clearly up with me yesterday. In the last couple months, I have sometimes felt like a very little child. Must feel when they’re sick. They don’t understand it. They just know they feel miserable. I don’t know if yesterday was a mental health thing or a physical thing.

I got home, and I was just so exhausted. I preach about giving ourselves grace in these times, but I was bummed because I just wanted to try and do something but getting off the couch or something I couldn’t do, until I finally came to terms with the fact that I just needed to go to bed.

I slept on and off all night and I woke up to some very weird funky dreams. One involved a naked man. It was someone I know and I just about died and it literally made me wake up. Thank God it wasn’t anything sexual.

I might’ve had a heart attack.

No sex for me.

Well all I can say is back at it for another day, another couple dollars.

I’m forcing myself to look at my bank account balance everyday in an effort not to freak myself out but to hold myself accountable.

There are things I use on the daily that I’m running out of and I’m working on staying calm. I will have them again when things are more manageable.

These are things I can live without.

There’s really no time this morning to do anything but the dishes so I’ll do those and get to work.

As long as you do something, then every day counts.

Have a great day, you are loved.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

These things pass

It’s me again.

Twofer.

How can a morning that is calm and productive and…if not overwhelmingly happy, at least doable, turn so wrong? I’m in fight or flight and I want to leave…now.

Like right now.

I feel like I’m already gone. I feel like this place is already my past.

It’s ok to feel that way but not to bolt. I don’t feel safe here. Nothing bad happened. I just…I feel bad for my coworker and that’s all I’m gonna say. She’s my boss and my coworker. I can’t go into her details.

I work very hard at shielding myself from the feelings of others because I am very susceptible to being triggered by them.

It’s not her fault, this happens. But work is the one place I can’t gracefully bow out of and go home.

This can’t be over soon enough.

It’s an I want my mom kind of day.

Just want her so much. I had an amazing mom; kind, affectionate, caring, loving.

Momma.

I’m going to be ok. One hour and 15 minutes and I’ll go park somewhere for 30 minutes. It’s a crying day. I cried on the way into work and I guess I’ll cry at lunch too.

These things pass but we have no choice to feel them and process them and move on. I really must not have gotten enough sleep last night either. I’m wiped out.

I got this; Feel it, process it, move on. And my goal will be to sleep tonight…early bedtime :)

All right, I am at lunch now. I ate before I went to lunch because I didn’t wanna buy lunch so I brought my lunch and now I’m full so I won’t buy lunch and you see where this is going. I am rambling.

I’m a little better, I think just getting out of the little enclosure we work in helped. I mean the bottom line is, man, sometimes you just gotta ride it out you know?

We are wrapping things up, and I have this whole list of things I have to do but the majority of them, I don’t know how to do because I’ve never done a year-end wrap up here. This is my first one. And hopefully my last. But even so, I still have to do it. Her door has been shut ever since I walked out after talking to her. So I picked something I know how to do and it’s just busy work, but it’s work that needs to be done so I guess that’s something.

I have a feeling that will be the rest of my day here. Tomorrow morning, I’m just gonna say look I need to know how to do this shit.

And I do have a feeling I’ll be done Friday because I Cannot see not getting these things done.

So two more paychecks and then the shit hits the fan.

Maybe.

We shall see what the gods have in store for me. Should be interesting, it always is. All right, I’m out of here. I’m going to spend the rest of my lunch planning my evening. I’m so Flippin tired, I need to be in bed by 8 PM no matter what.

Wish me luck with that will ya?

Peace! Love! Hippy Beads.

Neecie

Not In the Cards

Good Morning,

Ugh, I am running late but not for lack of trying. Been up, went on a walk, did all the stuff but I wanted to be done with one of my projects this morning and I wanted the dishes done. Most of the dishes were done but I made my meatballs last night and so I let the pot I made them in soak.

Plus I had to empty out the dishwasher, put stuff away. Anyways, both are done but I still have to get dressed, make my food for the day and get out of here on time. It should be fine.

I went rollerskating yesterday. I had to push myself a little bit but I'm so glad I did. Once I'm laid off, I'm going to start going I think it's Wednesday nights, they have an adult skate with old school rock. The music they play on Sunday mornings? Yeah, no.

But it was good. Like I said, I made my meatballs, we had maintenance in and he's a nice kid. Our heat went out, this happened last year too. I tend to shut off the heat around 6:00PM so I can sleep comfortably and then turn it up right away in the morning.

Y'all know in an apartment, it gets hot.

I'm not sure if this is my last week at work or not, I guess we'll see what I'm able to get done.

Tonight, besides some exercise, I'm going to do one of the projects and then job search, literally until it's time for shower and bed.

I was so looking forwards to the time off but that's not in my cards right now.

I've posted a few new videos and if you feel like watching any of them, here they all are. 

If you happen across this blog, please consider subscribing to my channel, it's free!! It helps!!

Thank you!!

LOL, thank you. No more long form videos until this weekend.

Thanks for all the love and support you guys.

I appreciate you!! So much!!

Have a great Monday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Bloody F*cking Hell

Aye Boo Boo's,

My God, today has been a cluster fuck but hear me out...it's been an organized cluster fuck.

I didn't write a list because I pretty knew what today would consist of. Sadly, once again, I over-planned so I may have to come to terms with the fact that it won't all get done.

But...I did grocery shop, I did shoot a VisionList Update (wait til you see my make-up - bizarro, I'm old and I'm blind so to bloody fucking hell with it), and so much more but this is the first time I've sat down and I just don't feel like writing it all out. Once this video is processing, I have to do a quick clean just because I have makeup all over the bathroom, dishes in the sink...like I just want to stay on top of those things.

But waking up this morning with all the organizing projects done and the apartment cleaned and some room to actually move around comfortably...heaven and yeah...you know what? Pat on the back time. I deserve it. I worked hard for this shit.

I am going to wear my fitbit for a week. Only because now that things are not as hectic, I want to know how I'm sleeping, if I'm making my steps...once those things are the norm as opposed to maybe not so much because in my head, I have a gajillion things to do...then that fucking thing comes off for good.

Ok, my video is processing so I'm gonna hit some more shit. I gotta start making dinner at about 3:15 cuz I'm making my italian meatballs and the need time to simmer in the sauce.

Good Lord I need some good food.

Actually, I went to 50s Grill yesterday afternoon. So good. I met my sister there and her childhood friend who used to live across the street from us. She moved to Arkansas when I think...we were in 5th grade or so. She has a true southern accent and I am so here for it. 

She's lovely.

Alright, I better get on with it. 7.5 hours til I hit bedtime. Hey, a girl can get a lot done in that timeframe.

Already have, lol.

Be Back Tomorrow.

Have a good rest of your day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Pay Offs

 Good Morning,

Oh man. Well, I'll tell you what?

I am sad and tired but I am also incredibly grateful.

My Auntie isn't coming. It's because of the shutdown and mass warnings went out yesterday AM and a list of the top airports affected. Newark was one of them; there will be cancellations and mass delays.

Newark was right at the top of the list. I don't blame her for cancelling. Newark is a main hub and I mean, people on the east coast are just built different. For many, there is no inner chill button.

I don't think I'd want to fly right now quite frankly.

So I'm sad about that. I'm tired because I fought being tired all week and I made shit happen.

The apartment is clean.

The only thing that remains for me is that when I get home this evening, I need to put my clean sheets on my bed, I need to pack up the Halloween decorations, which are all on my dining room table at the moment and get them into storage and then...I'm done.

I did more laundry last night, I vacuumed and I packed up some of the Halloween decorations, I got the clean dishes put away, I I emptied and scrubbed the litter boxes. Well my daughter emptied them, I cleaned them. She offered to clean them but I'm OCD about the boxes so I did it. She cleaned her bathroom and vacuumed the living room for me. This morning, I cleaned my bathroom, took a shower, all the "stuff", right?

I will go to bed tonight with everything done.

Since Steff isn't coming, I will have the entire weekend to finish the projects on my list and to get some exercise and fresh air...like...it's amazing.

This is what hard work does...it pays off.

Because once these projects are done, I can focus soley on maintenance of my household and my business...finally.

I'm very, very happy.

I feel grateful.

I hope I can see my Auntie soon. I miss her and I was looking forward to seeing her but it's more important that she be safe and that she doesn't have to be unduly stressed. I get that.

So yeah...so mote it be./

I wish you all good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Under Fire

 

Hi Guys,

This one's gotta be quick. Boy, I am coming to realize that my idea of time and what I can actually do in a certain amount of time, are two totally different realities.

Ok Universe. I hear you.

I have shoes in the drier and it sounds like we're being attacked, like we're under fire but I don't want them to get mildewy, that is the worst smell in the history of the world.

I am taking my comforter over to my former roommate's house to throw it in the wash before going to work. I'm giving my Aunt my bed and I just want everything clean for her.

I am going to have to be up late tonight and I'm ok with that. Her plane arrives tomorrow at 2PM, so I am leaving work at 2 and coming home so I'm here to greet her as she is renting a car. I have to text her today to let her know I'll be here. 

I'm very excited!!

SO much to do. Just a lot but I got this.

And I'll be happy because I'll be ready to full tilt boogie next week.

Full. Tilt. Boogie.

If you know, you know. Full Tilt Boogie was the name of one of the band's Janis Joplin played with.

I spoke with my brother inlaw last night and we had a great talk, then I went home and had a great talk with my daughter.

That's why I didn't get as much done last night but the human stuff is more important than my schedule or my plans.

And so on that note, this human is going head over to the roomie's to wash her comforter.

I wish you a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Enjoying Every Moment

 

Hi Loves,

Well...not the greatest night last night. I had a hard time forcing myself off the couch but I did eventually manage it.

The good stuff came this morning. I got up early, like at 3:30 again. I have cleaned the kitchen, pulled all the Halloween decorations (will pack them and put them in storage tonight), swept and mopped the kitchen, dining room and hallway, folded and put away 2 loads of laundry, took out the garbage. I could've cleaned the bathroom but I am dying my hair tonight and I'll need to clean after that.

So tonight is more cleaning, always more cleaning but it's not bad and half of it is done so...yay for me.

No progress last night or this morning on the projects. I may have to give myself permission to let them go until my Aunt is gone. I want to enjoy every moment with her because we haven't had time in so, so long. I went out there almost two years ago and saw her and spent time in Jersey with my immediate and extended family but I haven't seen anyone since.

So I need to give myself permission to let what doesn't get done...go.

It's either that or not get any decent sleep for the next two days and I don't know if I have that in me. I think I might become a raging lunatic and I don't want that either.

A close friend messaged me last night to let me know she's thinking of me. I am so grateful. I'm thinking of her too, I just have to get all this shit done for once in my life...so I can enjoy my time with friends.

So often, I get resentful when people want to talk or see me and understand, I know that's icky.

What a word...icky.

But yeah, it is. A little gratitude ma'am?

But if I can just do all this and get it done, it will be so much easier to stay on top of, than to fall behind again. Behind equals overwhelmed for me.

My days here are numbered and I just feel like...let's do the most I can to achieve something, anything before I go.

Yes, I have come so far. The things that have changed...thanks be to the Gods for their grace and guidance and giving me just enough to do this thing better, this life thing.

But it's a journey, not a graduation and I want to journey as far as I possibly can.

And so...on that note...here I go. 

Fucking work. I mean...oh yay, I'm grateful for work. It sure does get in the way of having a life, and having time and all that.

It is what it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...believe it or not, I am grateful.

So too will I be grateful to land a different job. My journey in this job...like I can see why I landed here and why I needed this experience. But my time there is done. Oh! A kitty is attacking my toes. 

Time to get some feline love before work.

Hit it hard today guys. You got this.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Beautiful Thing

Good Morning,

Oh my loves, so I did nothing last night as far as cleaning/projects, etc. Waking up at 3:30AM and going for it was a beautiful thing but I was down for the count last night. I was full too by the time I actually got home.

My boycub called me at work and asked if I'd like to go out to dinner with him. Naturally I said yes, because time with my boy is precious.

He's the kind of person who doesn't do small talk. He either talks deep or he doesn't talk...Ior he's ridiculously hilarious. I mean, yes, we talked about stuff but it wasn't trivial shit.

I love him and I'm so proud of who he is.

He dropped me off after and my sister called so I chatted with her. Other sister was texting while I was talking so yeah...it ended up  being an evening of family and  no matter what, that always comes first.

And I'm fine with that. I went right to bed after that. So tonight, it's on. In fact, it's on for the next 3 days, simply because everything but one thing...will be done when my Aunt walks through the door and that one thing...I have time to finish it.

I'm going to turn my phone off so I can just focus on what needs to get done.

Work cracked me up yesterday. I was given a spreadsheet of things that need to be done before the layoff and most of those tasks were assigned to me.

Hey, it's busy work, keeps me going so what evs and I'll do my best but that's it. This isn't and doesn't have to be a push myself situation.

I went to bed early and got up late...or so I  thought  but I didn't check my phone. I was going by the time on the stove and I hadn't changed that yet so I was given an hour reprieve.

I'll have just enough time to make my food for the day and get out of here.

So I guess I better go do that.

I hope you guys all have a productive day. I hope it's good. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Rockin' It

Good Morning and OMG,

I'm back to rockin' it.

I didn't get everything done that I wanted to this morning but even so...holy shit.

I couldn't sleep last night and I took my fitbit off again so I can't tell you how much I got. I'm tired, that's all I know.

I got up at 3:30.

I have been on a 20 minute walk, I have meditated, I have done my breathing exercises, I did lymphatic drainage massage on my face and neck, I did the neti-pot, I have had my coffee. I fed my cats. I took a shower and washed my hair. I got two projects done!!!! I shot a short for YouTube. After this blog, I will be folding and putting away laundry, making my food for the day and getting out of here for work. I will be getting out of here in enough time to pick up my new tabs for my car and a package that came to my old roommate's place.

Yep, there's a plan for tonight but why write about it. If I even get one thing done, that's success.

This weekend fucked me right up me arse and I am slowly learning to run with the punches on that kind of thing. I have no control over that stuff. So I can be a baby or I can pull up the big girl pants.  I feel somewhere in between the two this weekend.

Grateful to my sister for listening to me blather Saturday night.

All I can really say right now is I'm grateful.

Things could be worse.

They really could.

Alright, gots to go.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie
 

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes

 

Hello,

Aw, you guys, thank you for the support over on YouTube of late.

It's been a long haul with my channel and to finally be receiving some love over there, it's everything.

I had so hoped to be able to report that I got everything done yesterday but in reality, the day just went to fast.

So we will try again today. The important thing with goals and dreams is not to give up. And it's true that while my battery slows down, it doesn't give out completely. And I'm back at it. 

You know, I'll just report back tomorrow.

I'm OK. Just eager for all the changes I want to make to come into fruition and to see change in my life around me as another result.

My Auntie is coming this Friday.

Everything needs to be finished by Thursday night.

I just realized something. I've been struggling with my get up and go again and I think it's partly, I mean it always is but maybe a bit more so this past week, because I finally got some nails. This is not a vanity thing for me, this is about the dermatillomania. As gross as it is, this condition, I cannot do it with fake nails because the acrylic makes them too thick to do too much damage so I don't get the payoff.

And believe me when I tell you that destroying myself in this manner is one of my rituals, it is. It's a ritual and now it's gone and I'm deflating a bit. Hmmm, makes perfect sense.

The only thing I can do is keep on keeping on. They are healing, my ouches. I will need to put makeup on them if I want to show my arms but whatever, scars fade.

And as ugly as they are, they show struggle, they show pain and low self worth. They are a testament to what I've gone through.

Anyhoo, I'm OK and that's what counts.

So carry on lil' wayard soldier. I shall.

Have a great Sunday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Daily Tally

 

Hi All,

It's almost 3 and I've done exactly nada.

It's not the lazy thing, it's stuff out of my control so now I'm trying to fucking hit it hard and obviously, part of that is blogging.

My stats went up this week but I'm a bit dismayed about who exactly is reading this and their motivations. Some of them are hackers trying to get my info, the areas (countries) of readership make no sense otherwise, it's not like I'm a big hitter.

Many are able to use a redirected url but I am able to see, thanks to a rather intelligent friend, to see where most urls are actually based and at least one of them? I see you. Just stop. I'm an open book, call me.

So the fact that my stats go up isn't necessarily a good thing.

My blog is a daily tally of the moment.

It's not inspirational, not motivational. I try not to post TMI on FB anymore and so this is largely, for the moment, for my friends and family who want to know my state of mind.

People who care. Those of you who are here to try and find information on someone else...or to see if I'm posting about someone specific, you might as well let it go.

I have to care about you in order to want to write about you. And the people I care about have been there for me through the good, the bad, the ugly, they do not presume to require me to be someone I am not, in order to be accepted into their fold so to speak. They do not ask things of me that they do not hold themselves up to. 

End of rant.

So I have been moving been forward. Lots of forward movement and it's hard, it's not in my nature so I'm not giving up on today.

I trust that when all of this is done and behind me, it'll have meaning and I am going to really be working on budgeting my time as well as my money.

So I am going to get going. Not gonna stop. Not until bedtime.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie