I thought I’d wrote another post tonight because I have to get my head in a good place for tomorrow and I don’t want to waste any time. Every single minute will be accounted for tomorrow.
I’m not playin’.
I am just sick in my heart.
This is what hitting bottom really feels like. I’ve been here before, just before it was because a whole different situation, you know, my addiction.
This is a whole nother beast and I am navigating much of the same feelings; shame, guilt, defeat, humiliation, fear, self-pity, regret and remorse and grief. They are all there but also a new one; disbelief.
Like. How did this happen? How did I let this happen? I mean this whole thing shows me the depth of my denial and my ability to justify so many damaging things.
I’m not done it would seem. There is more to overcome.
The good thing about hitting bottom, is that the only way left to go is up. I will know relatively quickly if that’s true.
If I make it through this without choosing the route I’m wanting to choose, as soon as I get a good job with insurance, I’m getting more help. I’m willing.
I can’t seem to get there on my own.
Would I like that opportunity? For sure but I’m in enough emotional pain as it is and if don’t catch a break, a really big one, there’s going to be even more pain and I’m too old. I’m too tired. At least I know my limitations.
I think we’re good for tomorrow. I think I’ll be ok for tomorrow. But I gotta stay busy.
I can’t stop.
I gave in and bought myself a notebook to write down my daily schedules and to journal this fresh hell I get to walk through. The outcome remains to be seen.
I have only myself to blame. I mean…the Universe made me this way so there’s that. But even so…
It is what it is.
Tomorrow I stay busy.
Have a good one.
D
No comments:
Post a Comment