Sneaksters

 

Good Morning,

After yesterday, all I can say is that I am so glad today is a no exercise day for me. I worked hard yesterday. I worked hard with exercise and my list. I went steady until I had to go pick up my daughter. I had a hard time sleeping last night, I think because my brain and my body got worked so hard yesterday. But it felt great going to bed knowing I did the best I could do.

There were some things I didn't get done but no big deal. I already caught up on some of them this morning.

I understand why some people keep themselves busy at this level all the time. For some, it's a way of not feeling. I will have to pay close attention to that as things pick up for me. I don't want to miss anything and I don't want to end up in a place where all this busyness sneaks up on me and I'm whammed with big feelings. 

Thus meditation and I think journaling. Typing out a blog is doable but in pen to paper, a lot comes out. It can only help.

So today is low key and tomorrow will be too. The roller rink is closed so I'll go on a walk instead. 

I did not make my next milestone this week, I maintained. 

That's OK.

I will forge on, lol.

I'm making the easter dinner mom always made in honor of her tomorrow and I may go to Church as well. I'm not Christian but I am...I just want to honor mom. 

We'll see.

I am going to meet one of my lifers for coffee in an hour. Miss Kirsten. 

So I hope you all have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Fear is a Path that Has an End

Good Morning,

Well, I seem to have shook off whatever lethargy I've been having. So today, I'm running with it. God I got my nails done on Wednesday and I had them cut down and it is just so much easier to type. When I write these entries, I don't correct as I go as it would take hours to write one blog. Nope, I go back when I'm done and edit at that point. Even then, some things get by me.

So as far as the past few days, I managed not to give in to the lethargy completely. When I'm lazy during the day, I tend not to sleep as well. And so I pushed myself, probably not as much as I could've but it's something. 

Room for improvement but no room for shame. I don't play that anymore. If I choose laziness, it's on me and I accept it but I don't sit there and ruminate about what a POS I am.

I made a list yesterday for today and tomorrow and will be making one for the entire week. Those perfect weeks I write about wanting to achieve? Yeah, I'm doing that this coming week. I'm going to try my best to stay off of my phone and to just push through, not even give myself enough time to talk myself into NOT doing what's on the list.

Imma be a busy girl.

But there are milestones just within reach. Elusive little fuckers though, let me tell you.

So I'm not going to go into the list for the day, that's boring, but I will let you know tomorrow how I do. Tomorrow is my day not to exercise and the temptation is to go work out but I need this one day and so I'm going to give it to myself.iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii8

That was my cat saying hi. I get in front of the computer and suddenly my office is very interesting.

Anyways, although my list for the week itself can be viewed as a goal, I am also setting the goal of decreasing phone time, not eating in my room and reading my meditation book one time a day. I've got this lovely one, specifically for women and I've had it since my son was born but I've never been through the entire thing and I want to. I like it because it's just about women's spirituality; it's not for women in recovery or program related, it's just about and for women. The final one is to practice eating mindfully, really chewing and tasting and experiencing. The more you chew, the better for your digestive system.

And because my IBS has improved drastically over the past year, I will do anything to keep that truth in my life. The chewing thoroughly also helps the IBS, so yeah, I'm in.

So the swelling on the top of my feet is gone. It's not fluids, it's fat pockets and they are gone, I do believe that this is due to the electrical stimulation. I'm going to really focus on my ankles and work my way up my calves. Even my massage therapist noticed it yesterday when I went in. I thought I could see it but she commented on it without me saying anything.

Yay. And yay for her too because she is so amazing. I felt very inspired by her again. We talked a lot about fear and how it gets in the way of progress. Fearing something isn't wrong, it's what you do with it. 

Shockingly, I am learning (and becoming accomplished) at it. This is all good. The thing about getting calmer and having less anxiety is that I am hyper aware of it in others and also very aware of how the anxiety of others can affect me. I'm wanting to look into that further. You know, how can I protect myself and still be there for others when they are experiencing anxiety. I can't be around a certain intensity of it at all. Normal anxiety in others doesn't faze me at all. So I'd like to fall somewhere in the middle with what I can handle. I think setting healthy boundaries is what has gotten me this far and I'll keep doing that but there will always be circumstances where someone around me escalates and in small doses, yes, I can be there for it but that really deep, intense anxiety? Nope. I really believe that's when therapy is required anyways.

DBT was an amazing therapy and it does work but it's just like anything else; you have to want the change, you have to do the work (consistently) or you won't get better.

Any change requires that consistency. One session isn't going to make you better, ya know? Just like going to the gym once doesn't make me physically fit.

So there you have my blog for the day. It is Friday and I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Schedules

 Hellooooo,

So. I woke up with anxiety and just the crabbies. I'm still working through it. I think it's a combination of things; I don't like this snow. I don't like how cold it got. I did not get very much deep sleep last night but I know what caused that, we'll get there in a moment. I also just want the cleaning done and I want to be able to keep a damn schedule and I feel a bit overwhelmed with that.

So the snow and cold. I don't have to like it, that's OK. But it is truly one of those things that I can't control. If I've learned anything in this life, it's that few things go as planned. Plans sometimes run smoothly and sometimes, the fugging rug gets pulled right out from under you. Thus, the snow. The one thing I can say, is that it's beautiful.

As for the cold...same. Don't like it, but there ain't shit I can do about it. Bundle up girlie.

Deep sleep. The average adult struggles with this as they age. I'm aging. However, normal range is between 10-20% of time asleep. If I sleep a total of 7 hours, my range should be 42 - 84 minutes. If I sleep 8, the range increases to 48 - 96 minutes. 

I actually do usually hit within that range. However, I hit only 38 minutes last night. Well, I took a nap yesterday afternoon, and then I had a cup of coffee when I woke up. No more coffee in the afternoon or early evening and the thing is...I don't often do that. I don't do it at all if I don't nap and I've been napping less and less often. So I mean, this one is on me, it's within reach if I just stop taking naps and drinking coffee at times other than the AM.

Annnnnd my schedules. Again, I'm shooting to high. I do not just jump out of bed in the morning. I don't hit the ground running, I just don't. So I need to allow for that. I'm getting better and better at being able to readjust or to give myself permission to do what I can and let go. One thing I have noticed is that the scheduling thing is a way for me to avoid my priorities; job search, etc. Because that's what gets swept to the side when I don't complete the other stuff. Cleaning trips me up because I hate doing it but I also can't help myself. This house is out of control (and I contribute to that) but I'm driven to do what I can so that I'm able to live in the midst of clutter, etc.

I need to chill the fuck out with my schedules. I'm already panicking about how this will all work/fit in once I am working but as I'm writing this, I know the answer and that is...we're not even there yet. Calm down. I am someone who believes that what we put out there, we get more of. Not always. Shit still happens and like I said, I am so much better with change and acclimating to what is but I do know in changing my self-talk and by pushing through, I get more of the same and I'm rewarded with peace of mind.

Today, I have done all the vacuuming and have cleaned my room. I did meditate even though I didn't want to, that's for sure a non-negotiable. And that was the start of me feeling better about today. So, there are things that I am hoping to get done in addition to what I've already done and they are doable.

This week is pretty much closed until Friday, when I will finish up the cleaning and also do a bunch of stuff I don't want to. I have my day planned tomorrow and it's full but mostly with fun stuff for my daughter and I. And Thursday, after I go to the gym, I am getting a massage. I need one, for all the reasons so between tomorrow and Thursday, I should be full of the good stuff and be able to pull from that energy and to have enough gratitude to do all the stuff I just don't want to do. But once it's done, it's done.

And my back massager turned off as did my ES. So my work here is done, lol. 

Time to keep pushing through.

I hope you all have a great day, stay warm!!

Be Blessed!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Adjusting

 Good Morning,

So here I sit doing my ES. I'm gonna have to charge the unit today. I don't know if this is doing anything or not. I'll never know if I'm not consistent so here I am. I figure in about a month, I can reassess. 

So this weekend was nice all the way around. I wasn't all that active but it was good regardless. 
Saturday night, I went out with a friend of mine who I haven't spent time with in forever. It was really fun. We went out to a bar but everyone in our group is sober so no worries there. I even danced to two songs. It was super crowded but I was surprised at the age range of people there. There were young people, middle aged people and some oldies but goodies and all ranges on the dance floor too.

I saw another friend there (with our group). who I haven't spoken to in a looooong time. He tends to like to comment smartass stuff on my facebook stuff so I deleted him a while back. He's back on my page so I told him to behave, lol. But this guy really does love me and I don't mean that in a romantic way, he just loves me.

So much fun.

I was supposed to have a mother/daughter day with my youngest yesterday but that didn't happen. I was disappointed but I have let my kids down too in the past so I did let her know my feelings were hurt but going forward, let's keep our commitments, both of us, not just her.

Ah, the ES is done and now I've got the back massager on. Whatever will I do if the end of times happens? 

Adjust I guess.

Or die.

Well, that went places quickly.

Moving on, I made a nice dinner last night and such a good dessert. Got on the scale this morning and was shocked. No weight gain.

So that means if all goes according to plan, I will hit one milestone this week and another next week. Yowsa!! I love it. Go me.

My daughter and I did end up watching a couple of episodes of the documentary about the nickolodean abusers. I spelled that wrong. I don't feel like looking up the correct spelling.

All I have to say is wow.

Disgusting human beings are really out there. I don't know what makes them the way there are but from everything I've read, sexual deviancy in any form, tends to be extremely hard to shake; harder than herion, crack, meth, you name it.

I will get to upset if I keep writing about it. I know we need to be aware but it's a hard pill to swallow, knowing these pervs are out there.

K, so I did go work out today, had a training session. Ouch!!!!

Afterwards, I went in the steam room and it felt amazing until it didn't. I didn't time my session in there, just went in telling myself I'd stay in there just past when it became uncomfortable. It was probably around 10 minutes. I loved it!!

Today we have job search, some cleaning and I am taking a skating class tonight because I didn't make it to the rink yesterday.

So it's going to be a busy one, but highly productive.

Before I went to the gym, I got in my meditation so all is unfolding on schedule, just like the Universe.

Have a good one guys!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Semi-Chill

 Hi Everyone,

Well, inspite of a deluge of snow, the sun is out and shining today. This makes life better for me. I used to love rainy, dreary days. Now I don't, unless I've got someone with me and we're both flaking out, watching movies, what have you; then I'm good.

And yesterday was definitely gloomy and gray and cold and I no likee.

I was so tired yesterday and my stomach was...I didn't feel nauseous, my stomach just felt...sour. No bueno.

It wasn't without it's high points. I caught up with both Beast and Emmie. That was nice. And I did get some laundry done. That's a good thing. 

My daughter needed me to be supportive and so I was. We ended up laughing hysterically in my bed at midnight, just remembering hilarious things she did when she was little. My daughter is a character and when she was a kid, she was off the charts.

And so today, I am dealing with not enough sleep but it is what it is. I'm feeling so much better today. 

I handled yesterday really well. I was definitely on low mode. I used to get upset by that. I used to think it meant I was doing something wrong or that bad things were coming. And I learned something yesterday; I learned I can quiet myself and talk to myself. That's when I realized I was just super tired and that my stomach wasn't the best. That's all it was, with a tiny dash or depression over the coming snow and lack of sunshine.

Problem solved, it was that easy and so I just gave myself permission not to be superwoman and I got through the day.

And I was to tired to get up and go to my training sesh at the gym so I rescheduled for Monday, a bit later (8AM) and since I haven't cancelled Planet Fitness yet, I'm going to go there and just walk on the treadmill and do the circuit there. 

I really don't know what else I'm gonna do today, other than help my daughter clean and organize her room and makeup my schedule for next week. I wanna go hard in spite of the dropping temps and just push through. 

So yeah. Semi-chill day and I'm ok with that.

On that note, I am on with my day and I hope that yours is fantabulous.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

It'll be chill. 

Comfort Zone

 

Good Morning!!

It really is a good morning, if you look at it from the perspective that there is a whole new day in front of me to get things accomplished and to have new experiences. 

Yeah, I had to write that out and read it back to myself.

Because I am lazy mode this morning. The child within is whining, "I don't wanna."

I have managed to meditate and to call a friend of mine I haven't spoken to in awhile. I put in a load of laundry.

So I currently am doing this while giving my calves some ES (electrical stimulation). I'm pretty sure I have lipo and lymphedema. This can help with both. It feels so weird.

I just got a cheap one to start, see if it helps. I don't have it bad, whichever it is. But my calves are ginormous and they used to be so pretty but carrying around that massive weight for so long did me now favors. 

But I do want to be productive. I did not make a list for today and a lot of what I need to do requires me to be sedentary.

Things like...taxes, job search, recipe writing...wah.

But I think what I'll do is this; finish this blog, go to the gym, come home and hit all the stuff I don't want to do. It's not a cleaning week but there are things needing to be cleaned but I am going to let that go, that's OK, it's for next week.

Ok, I can do that, when I write it out, it somehow does not feel that overwhelming. 

Yesterday was another calm, extremely productive, just nice day.

There was some anxiety but that had to do with someone close to me being upset and needing someone to acknowledge, listen and just care. Because I am a person who lived with heightened emotions within myself, I can get very "triggered" by big emotions in others. I can't operate on that mode for long. So I did listen and I did acknowledge but I was breathing deep the whole time and after the person was in a place she could regulate herself, I went into my room and meditated and did some deep breathing and then I was able to go on with my day.

Being there for someone is generally something I'm good at unless the other person is highly agitated. It's like a bug that splits in half and one if the halves jumps over to me. 

This isn't a bad thing, it is what it is.

I can step out of my comfort zone, that's not the issue, I just can't do it for prolonged periods of time. I deal much better with sadness than I do with anger or anxiety, in both myself and others.

So I felt good about realizing that when heightened, I am now able to calm my center, or my qi if you will, and then go on without it affecting my entire day.

Alrighty, well, my ES sesh is over. I'm going to go upstairs and see what this day will bring. I hope you have a good one!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Unlearning Chaos

 

Hi Guys,

My battery is about to die and I am hoping I can finish this blog before that happens. 

Alas, I did not finish this blog before that happened.

But I'm back and here we are.

Yesterday was good. Another day of aligning with the flow. This peace is so weird. I like it but now I have to learn to sit with it, to stay with it, to allow it to last. The old tapes would've started playing long before I could've even reached this place, let alone been able to sit with it.

My brain, it would seem, is finally unlearning chaos. 

I'm finding that self-esteem is not just about how I feel about myself but what I do for myself and what I allow myself to have if that makes sense.

Today, I am still in that peaceful place. 

It's 9:28AM and I have meditated, showered, drank my protein shake and been to the gym for my 2nd training session.

I purchased two weeks of the training so I can get the workout stuck in my brain. My brain does not retain the way it used to and the way it used to wasn't all that great either. I'm an ADHD, scatter-brained lil' momma. It is what it is.

But even though the workout is only a half hour, he made me feel that shit today. I have no doubt in my mind that I will feel this tomorrow.

That's OK, because feeling it means I'm doing it.

Next on the agenda is to make my list for today and then go on a walk. That way, I've gotten in all my exercise for the day except for the yoga I'll do this evening. My step goal is still pretty low but I make those steps count. I've hit that goal everyday so far this week and I'll increase the goal on Sunday if I make it everyday this week.

Dinner the next two nights is boring but I'm looking forward to Saturday & Sunday. 

I'm going to start making plans with people next week; I'm shooting for Fridays, 
Saturdays and Sundays because once I start working again, all of this will become harder and I will be pressed for time. 

I need to be seeing people and I mean, I have been, so that's great but I need to do so once a week cuz that's the good stuff, that's part of a whole potluck of the good stuff that I insist on having in my life now. 

It feels like a lot of work, this being happy/content business, and it has been, because of my mental health issues, addiction, trauma, whatever the fuck the trendy term is right now but what is finally happening is that it's become the norm and it's not hard anymore, it's just a given. Inner fucking peace, who knew?

I'm so worth it though. And so are you. Trust me, do the work.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Flow

 

Good Morning!

Ah, I am living the dream. I went on my walk this morning and got back and slathered my feet with this ointment I bought for achy aches. And now as I blog, I am sitting with my feet firmly planted in my new foot massager. It does kneading, compression and vibration. It also heats up. And it feels...well massage in any form (other than sexual) is my jam so let's just say it's wonderful.

Yesterday was a good day. I started at the gym I just joined (note to self, I need to go in and get rid of my Planet Fitness membership) and had a training session. I already wrote about it on Facebook but this young man is truly a go-getter. He just got back from an extended missionary trip to Honduras and I just...I give back in other ways but that's what I look for in people. What are you doing for others? He was literally a joy to speak to, so enthusiastic about his future and I found out his grandfather is Philippino and how he wanted all his children and grandchildren to be either doctors or nurses. That is very common in that particular culture. His dad has an MBA in bio medical technology but has spent his entire career in IT. We laughed so hard.

Then I met a woman named Lisa who is 2 years cancer free and trying to get herself physically fit and healthy and we were talking  foot. She was so funny.

A lot of these gyms will try to sell you a fitness package on top of your membership fees and this young man did not do that. Because we gabbed so much, he felt that he owed me another session so I'm going in bright and early tomorrow morning and he will have everything written up and we will go through it one more time. What a gem!!

Other than that, it was really just life stuff; paid some bills, paid a huge chunk of the loan I have, made dinner.

Speaking of dinner, I've got beef stew in the crock-pot and it smells so flippin' good. There is this stuff that I use with certain meals and I want to use it for this. So a run to the store is in order. I have to go to Walfart anyways so I'll stop in and grab some of it, I can't remember what it's called and I swear I bought some but I couldn't find it in the fridge or anywhere else. It's expensive but oh well. I made the stew without a recipe. It smells divine so I hope it turns out. More on that tomorrow.

I had a job interview this morning. We'll see. I don't have it in me to waste energy on anxiety over it. It'll be what it'll be. Nuff said.

So the rest of today is really all about job search, working on the family cookbook, and going to Yoga at 6:45.

And just some minimal shopping. 

It's partly cloudy with more emphasis, at least right now, on sunny. It's windy but on my walk, I made sure my poor ears (they are so sensitive) were covered so I was just fine.

I feel very calm and content today; this feeling started yesterday. I'm not accustomed to calm and content but I am allowing myself to sit with it and take it in and enjoy it. It's something I find I like and something I am grateful for. And I attribute that 99% entirely to consistent and increased time in meditation each day. I don't remember the last time I didn't 

My two speeds have always tended to be 0 or 100. I literally let yesterday just flow and the same is true today.

So yeah, that's where things are at right now. I'll tell you all about the rest of my day...tomorrow.

I hope your day is a good one, filled with happy moments, productive moments and lots of love.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Make It Good, Make It Count

 

Good Morning,

So let's just start in the here and now. I am having a relatively hard time getting going. I've managed to meditate, shower and pray, and put in a load of laundry. That's about it. 

This is happening because I fell asleep way later than intended and when this happens, I have to allow myself the time to get in 7+ hours of sleep. As everyone would, I guess, know by now, little sleep equals a salty, sad, unmotivated Denise. It can deeper than that if it's prolonged.

At any rate, I didn't get up til 7:30 and that threw my schedule off. This is something I've been working really hard on, is adjusting when need be. I have no choice, I have to sleep but that doesn't mean the day is shot, it doesn't mean I can't accomplish anything. In fact, I can still accomplish everything I wished to. 

So after this, I'm going to go on a walk, bundle up and get some good steps in. And then we'll go from there. Like, it's all going to be fine. Not freaking out and pushing through are too skills that are new to me but I worked hard to get there. 

Regardless if I'm on medication or not, (currently not), I still have to do the work. There is no magic pill to fix me. There are things that can help me along the way, but they don't do it all.

I have goals and I have dreams and they will not happen if I give in to this feeling of lethargy. It's so much easier to give up but some wonderful things have happened in my life; some of them just were gifts from the Universe, but most of them came from hard work and so as the day goes on, I need to give myself those loving reminders.

I'll let you know tomorrow how this day went. I think we'll be good. I think I'll be good.

Okie, well, I sure hope you all have a great day. Yeah, yeah, it's Monday but let that go, as Janis Joplin said, "it's all the same f*cking day."

In other words, don't label it, don't decide it's "bad."

It will be what you make it.

Make it good, make it count!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

An Amazing Attitude

 

I was gonna say good morning,

But it's afternoon. Time flies when you're having fun. I went roller skating today and I did a crossover!! It's so weird, my body still remembers what it used to be able to do and I can see it and I can almost feel myself doing it but I just won't let it happen.

Fear.

Fear that I'll fall and hurt my ankle again, fear that I'll fall and look like an idiot. But I could not resist the pull this morning and I did it. It was imperfect but the fact that I did it made it perfect for me.

So, yeah, I'm kind of high on that one; feeling sassy and accomplished, lolol!!!

My daughter works at 4, so I am just going to do some blogging and some recipe writing for the family cookbook. I sliced a bunch of strawberries and I made some biscuits and I'll be having strawberry shortcake for dessert today.

God I love Sundays.

And I'm not going to announce any numbers just yet but by next Saturday, I am anticipating the achievement of another milestone in my weight loss.

In spite of only going to the gym once last week, I made my step count almost every day and also managed to lose 3 lbs.

I'm just really seeing much of my efforts paying off and it's both humbling and gratifying.

I had a very chill day yesterday and my friend Joe was able to go home from the hospital so I went over to his and his wife, my dear Tracy, and help just a little bit to get them settled back into things so that they can start their new routine with what his needs will be.

He's got an amazing attitude, cracking jokes and just being positive, while also being honest about things sucking but...yeah, it was humbling. I'm a big ass baby when I get hurt or when something's not right and he taught me a lot about making the most of shitty circumstances, the whole what you can't control thing, which I wrote about yesterday. Breaking my ankle last year proved that because it was the final thing that sent me spiraling. And I suppose that some wouldn't have even risked roller skating or running or whatever things they might be into but I can't let that fear rule me.

I have no idea why but the roller skating just makes me so happy.

But the rest of the day was chill, gave myself a facial and took my bougie bath. I even slept for almost 8 hours.

Sooooo, after dinner and dessert, I am going to drop my daughter at work and go to the nearby mall and walk until I hit my step goal; other than that, a schedule for my week and the recipes.

Oh! Just realized I forgot to meditate this morning. So I'll do that too. My happy light helps me so much with these dreary, cold days.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love and Light,

Neecie

Feelings & Facts

 

Good Morning!

And it is...a good morning. I mean, it got way cold again (actually normal temps for this time of year) and it's cloudy but at least this morning, it was moody clouds, not just gray and gloom.

I do believe we appear to be settling into gray and gloom but I'll be alright. Not to sure of my plans. As of right now, I don't have any. But I think I will probably go to them gym and walk there, no hard core workout, I just don't have it in me. But I do want to make my step count for the day, I will probably give myself a facial, it's bougie bath night day, lol.

Oh bla bla bla.

This past week was busy but good. I just wish I didn't get so damn tired. I'm sure that's an age thing, but it's also the smoking and although I am losing weight, I also know that I'm not building strength. My work-outs are sparse at best. Meaning they don't happen on a regular basis.

Before I continue on my life, I would ask that if you can take a moment, please offer up healing energy towards my friend Joe. Not gonna go into his business, other than to tell you that he and his wife are my very good friends and he ended up in the hospital. They know what the problem is and it looks like he'll be ok. 

I brought them some of my italian meatballs yesterday. The hospital is literally down the street from me, so I'll probably go see he and Tracy today is he's not being released. If he is, I might still stop by their place. They live really close by and this is a gift in many ways but because I've been in the car nonstop this week, I am burnt out by driving. So the fact that their close, makes it a no brainer, usually there is quite a bit of "talking" myself into getting in the car.

Just got word that he's being released. Yes! And I am going to go over to their place, just got a text asking me to come.

I have thoughts, lots of them but I am going to journal about them rather than write them out here. What I will say here is that the thoughts are on not only knowing what my boundaries are but enforcing them and not allowing shame to come in. It's a total oxymoron that boundary setting would bring on shame but shame is still a journey I'm on and what I've found is that setting boundaries feels weird and uncomfortable but it also feels better after I do it. It's like a muscle that you work out and it gets bigger and stronger.

I've said this before but it still applies. Guilt is not a bad thing, it's an internal measure that our soul provides and it comes up when we feel we've done something wrong but shame? Oh, shame. Shame shame whose to blame.

Shame is about who we are. It's deeper and it serves no purpose except to keep us sick, submissive to the whim of others and stagnates us.

An example of this would be saying something hurtful to someone we love:

Guilt: It was mean to say that to so and so, I feel bad, I need to apologize and not say things like that, or in that way again.

Shame: I am mean, I am bad and I'm a  hurtful person.

Shame doesn't help with the issue at all but guilt is simple; apologize, change the behavior and let it go.

But there was some boundary setting this week and then there some things that came up where I was able to loosen up the boundaries.

I have also worked at remaining flexible. 

And flexible with a plan is how I choose to live my life now.

Every change I've made and am still working on, was first a conscious choice and then practice, practice, practice. If you want things to change, you need to be willing to do the work. Only you can change you.

I cannot change:

• the weather
• how people see or feel about me
• what people do
• what people understand or know about me
• people's beliefs about anything
• how people choose to be there for me
• life happening, meaning unforeseen circumstances
• politics
• mean people
• institutions; how the run, who they help or don't help, their code of ethics...

The list goes on and on and on. Basically, I can only change me; my beliefs, my hangups, my struggles, my choices and reactions and my feelings too.

Feelings often times don't equal facts.

So on that note, I'm going to help Trace with some things at some point, I'm going to get my steps in, I'm going to take my bougie bath and that is good for me.

So I hope you all have a fantastic day.

No plans for tomorrow either, other than roller skating so I think it's highly likely I'll be able to blog.

Have a great day, choose to have a great day and no matter what comes your way, tell yourself, "I got this and I love that about myself, that I've got this."

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

N

In It to Win It

 

Good Morning!!

Well. I had a horrid day yesterday. I'm not sure why but I will say that I had a really great day the day before and this tends to happen when I have a good day. It's usually followed by a crash day. I have some work to do on that because I ended up giving into it and stuffed my face with stupid shit and even though I asked myself, "why are you doing this," I couldn't seem to find an answer.

It could be as simple as the whole self-sabotage thing. The underlying, "I don't deserve good days."

Some of this stuff is so ingrained, I still don't realize when it's happening. I also took a 3 hour nap. But I woke up ok today. Got up at 5:30 and have been hitting it hard ever since; meditation, shower, skincare, laundry and now blogging. 

I want everything done today. Everything. It's a lot but I have plans for tomorrow and I don't want shit hanging over me.

I want my weekend open too. 

I would ask that you keep my sister's sweet girl Chatty in your thoughts. She's going into the vet today and we're hoping for positive results. 

If you can do that, I would so appreciate it.

Today, I'm going to take little meditation sessions, maybe at the start of each hour and it'll only be for 2 or 3 minutes each and I'm just going to chant positive things about myself. 

I'm in this for the win so I'll do what it takes to keep myself going forwards.

Thanks for reading.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Spending Time With Me

 

Hello and Good Evening,

What a delight to have the sun up longer. That's food for the soul there. And good for the soul.

My cold is like...98% healed. I'm almost over it. I think you should all give lymphatic massage a shot if you get a cold. Here's the video I've been following:

This made all the difference for me. I do it twice a day.

So Sunday. Sunday's are my day with no expectation. I do go roller skating, that's a given. And while I hope someone will be down to do something with me on Sunday's, there will be days no one is available. Today was such a day. So I thought to myself, what have I been wanting to do? And a couple things came to me.

I checked out this wonderful store, it's a metaphysical store; crystals, books, jewelry, incense, and just so much more. I got myself two of the cutest bathbombs, a string of amethysts that light up, a desert rose and a tiger's eye. 

This place is out in Forest Lake and is about a half hour drive north so since I still had time, I decided to go to Hazelden and go for a walk along some of the many, many paths on the massive amount of land there. It's been just over 20 years since I went to treatment there. I took the time as I walked to remember that time of my life and to reflect on all the miracles that have happened since. I might not have stayed sober but that was the true beginning of my journey. 

I have a tendency towards the morose and that's why today was important for me. Isolating and spending time with oneself are two totally different things. It turns out, I like being with me. Me is a good friend.

I didn't know that before today. It was nice to walk, no airpods, and just think and reflect and to focus on the positives as opposed to all the things that hurt to think about and remember.

Then I went and got a salad I love, got way to full and then I went and saw a movie. AMC is doing this really cool thing where they have showings of old movies and today, the showed Labyrinth with David Bowie, which I had never seen. I liked it and I'm happy I saw it.

It was a good day. It was a needed day. This week is gonna be nuts but I got this.

Be Blessed y'all.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Hyper Self-Care Mode and Refueling

 

Good Morning!

Man, it's been a minute. There are some things I have struggled with doing and this blog is one of them. I've been questioning why I still blog and how to make it better.

Maybe not better, I don't claim to do this professionally after all but to make it helpful.

So hold that thought because this blog won't be that, it'll just be lil' ol me, writing about my "stuff".

Obviously, most of the folks who read my blog, are also on my facebook. So you know I went home to the state of my birth, New Jersey. I do not remember the last time I was there, it's been that long. 

You know I rented a car and I will NEVER do that again. I got so ripped off, it's not even funny. But I'm letting that go and chalking it up to lesson learned.

If you use Expedia or the other one, just don't rent a car through them, just rent one right through the actual company. I lost over $200.00 because the car place said that was between Expedia and me, not them. 

The trip was fantastic from start to finish. There was only one hiccup and that had nothing to do with anyone in my family. That was some psycho in Starbucks and I'll be doing a video on that soon.

The trip was truly about family. We have all come together in a way that I'm so grateful for. I love my family so much.

So I landed back in Minnesota around 11:30, my sister picked me up and drove me back to her place to pick up my car and I got home at about 1:30AM, Tuesday morning.

By Wednesday night, I knew I was getting a cold. I went into full on healing mode. I don't have time to lay around in bed and so I've been doing lymphatic drainage massage, ear palpating, netty pot and drinking this horrid tea I make and my symptoms have not worsened. I also have not developed a cough, which for me, is almost always the worst part of getting a cold. Coughs can end up lingering forever when I get sick.

I will admit to taking some cold syrup when my head starts to hurt because it has acetaminophen in it and the other stuff is just a bonus.

I do slow myself down, no gym, no running a million errands, just simple stuff. I still have sniffles and a bit of a headache so I'm going to take it easy today.

I am really hoping I feel well enough to roller skate tomorrow. Then I'm planning on going out to this shop in Forest Lake that I've wanted to check out forever and then, at 4, I am going to go see Labyrinth, as I never did see that movie and my understanding is that it's epic, a cult favorite. Being that I am a child of the 80s, I just figured I should probably see it.

And I'll probably take myself out to eat in between. The movie is at 4. I'm going to skate at 10, leave at 11, get to Forest Lake by noon (probably sooner it's not that far, spend some time there and then go get something to eat, I mean it's casual and I'll be by myself so no big deal how the timing goes.

It's important to me to keep at least one day open, Sunday, for just things I enjoy. We all need that one day a week to refuel so to speak.

I will go for a walk today, it's a bit chilly but I'll be sure to keep my ears covered and it won't be a long walk.

Fresh air is healing but you gotta be smart about it.

And if you have the flu, I got nothing, keep your ass in bed and try as best you can to stay hydrated.

And so today, I'm doing easy projects that need doing and you know, that's a good thing. Anything I can get done, well that's progress and an accomplishment.

I finally blogged!! That too is an accomplishment.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie