And it is...a good morning. I mean, it got way cold again (actually normal temps for this time of year) and it's cloudy but at least this morning, it was moody clouds, not just gray and gloom.
I do believe we appear to be settling into gray and gloom but I'll be alright. Not to sure of my plans. As of right now, I don't have any. But I think I will probably go to them gym and walk there, no hard core workout, I just don't have it in me. But I do want to make my step count for the day, I will probably give myself a facial, it's bougie bath night day, lol.
Oh bla bla bla.
This past week was busy but good. I just wish I didn't get so damn tired. I'm sure that's an age thing, but it's also the smoking and although I am losing weight, I also know that I'm not building strength. My work-outs are sparse at best. Meaning they don't happen on a regular basis.
Before I continue on my life, I would ask that if you can take a moment, please offer up healing energy towards my friend Joe. Not gonna go into his business, other than to tell you that he and his wife are my very good friends and he ended up in the hospital. They know what the problem is and it looks like he'll be ok.
I brought them some of my italian meatballs yesterday. The hospital is literally down the street from me, so I'll probably go see he and Tracy today is he's not being released. If he is, I might still stop by their place. They live really close by and this is a gift in many ways but because I've been in the car nonstop this week, I am burnt out by driving. So the fact that their close, makes it a no brainer, usually there is quite a bit of "talking" myself into getting in the car.
Just got word that he's being released. Yes! And I am going to go over to their place, just got a text asking me to come.
I have thoughts, lots of them but I am going to journal about them rather than write them out here. What I will say here is that the thoughts are on not only knowing what my boundaries are but enforcing them and not allowing shame to come in. It's a total oxymoron that boundary setting would bring on shame but shame is still a journey I'm on and what I've found is that setting boundaries feels weird and uncomfortable but it also feels better after I do it. It's like a muscle that you work out and it gets bigger and stronger.
I've said this before but it still applies. Guilt is not a bad thing, it's an internal measure that our soul provides and it comes up when we feel we've done something wrong but shame? Oh, shame. Shame shame whose to blame.
Shame is about who we are. It's deeper and it serves no purpose except to keep us sick, submissive to the whim of others and stagnates us.
An example of this would be saying something hurtful to someone we love:
Guilt: It was mean to say that to so and so, I feel bad, I need to apologize and not say things like that, or in that way again.
Shame: I am mean, I am bad and I'm a hurtful person.
Shame doesn't help with the issue at all but guilt is simple; apologize, change the behavior and let it go.
But there was some boundary setting this week and then there some things that came up where I was able to loosen up the boundaries.
I have also worked at remaining flexible.
And flexible with a plan is how I choose to live my life now.
Every change I've made and am still working on, was first a conscious choice and then practice, practice, practice. If you want things to change, you need to be willing to do the work. Only you can change you.
I cannot change:
- the weather
- how people see or feel about me
- what people do
- what people understand or know about me
- people's beliefs about anything
- how people choose to be there for me
- life happening, meaning unforeseen circumstances
- politics
- mean people
- institutions; how the run, who they help or don't help, their code of ethics...
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