Nostalgia

 

Good Morning,

Deep breaths. I just got word that one of my bestie’s lost her mom last night. There’s a whole history there.

It’s funny how when you get older, those histories don’t always matter the way they once did, or they hold no power and how you can see as an adult, the bigger picture.

I got to see her mom about a month and a half ago.

And for me at least, everything came full circle.

So why the tears?

I often write about my nostalgia for my youth and I don’t think I’m unique in that. I just long to go back.

Kirsten, Lisa and I, tearing up terror and shenanigans and much laughter. Years of Kirsten and I creating shenanigans and memories…you know, it’s just hard.

Of the core group of us, only I have one parent still living; Lisa’s mom and dad are gone, Shari’s mom and dad are gone, Becky’s mom and dad are gone and now Kirsten too, has lost both parents.

I have lost my birthfather, and my Grandparents who raised me (for me, they were mom and dad) but my bio mom is still alive and I do consider her to be my “mommy” as I call her.

It’s a very strange thing, moving into the role of elder. I can’t say I enjoy it. I much prefer the freedom of my youth, thank you very much.

Mommy will be 78 this year and I hope she stays as long as possible, as long as she is in good health and no pain.

The no pain thing, the no suffering thing, is huge for me. I don’t hold well with pain and suffering and I have told everyone if it gets to that for me, or if I’m diagnosed with dementia in the early stages, I’m out.

I don’t want anyone to be surprised by that.

If I don’t go naturally, and something befalls me, be it illness or just physical pain as I age, I have put everyone on notice that I will take myself out. I have very strong feelings about that.

I want to be remembered as I was and not what I became as a result of illness or infirmity, ya know?

But in a way, our parents are our anchors and my friend’s mom, she was an anchor for me too. She was one of many adults who had an impact on me at one time or another. You know, you have the anchor and the foundation (which were my friendships) was held in place, maybe sometimes not well, but still, the anchors that held my foundation and that of my friends in place).

I wish I could go home.

I just want to cry.

I’m glad it’s not busy here.

I’m proud of my friend for many, many reasons; she took care of her mom. She didn’t have to do that. But she did. And I know my friend is probably feeling all the feelings; sad, relieved, exhausted. I’m sure there are so many memories coming up.

Not sure what I can do for her, but I want to do something.

It’s hard. My sister lost her lil’ Chatty Girl puppy recently and sometimes you don’t know what to do or say. But I try and I’ll show up if they need me to.

Mmmm…sad. So sad.

Not what I expected for this past week.

Life happens, right, and sometimes…life…changes.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

To Live Like A Cat

Good Morning,

I guess if I could learn to live in the moment, I wouldn’t sit here all week waiting on Friday.

I’m not there yet.

Having something for the pain in my back is great but it also knocks me out.

So I woke up at 3 and really struggled to get back to sleep.

So I checked in on some of my applications and I got turned down for 3 of them.

Then I looked at my YouTube channel and I lost 2 subscribers.

I suppose I could fall to the ground and writhe in self pity.

But I also saw a post that reminded me that only I have the power to change my life, that it’s within me.

I hate that I have to go just sit there all day.

Because that’s largely what I do.

But I also know not to throw in the towel because of a few rejections.

And they’re not rejecting me, they are rejecting my experience and my resume and really…they are probably rejecting the gaps in employment.

Duh!

I have a way around that but not everyone wants to deal with it.

Or hear about it.

I gotta keep trying.

So tonight, I’m gonna hold off on taking anything for the back pain until I at least put in one job app.

So.

Here we go.

Pumpkin is sitting next to me, happily cleaning herself.

I wish I could do that all day; clean myself, nap, pester my mother for food and treats and make her brush my hair and oooo and awwww over me with compliments and hugs and cuddles. “You’re the best. You’re so cuddly, you’re beautiful, just such a beautiful baby. And then you know, I’d get a rush of the zoomies and run around and torture everyone and then do it all over again.

Yes, I would love that.

Alright, on with it girly.

I hope you have a great day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

  

No Pain

 Good Morning!

Monday has arrived yet again.

I wish I could tell you I had a productive Sunday but if you read yesterday's blog, you'll know my back continues to wreak havoc on me.

The muscle relaxer is helping. I'm going to take another one when I get to work but will not be able to take another painkiller until I get back home...if I need it.

I can't be driving while on that stuff. It knocks me out.

Indeed, I slept pretty much from 5PM on last night.

No pain this morning but I need to stay ahead of it.

Much of the problem with this particular pain, is that because of where it's located, I clench up constantly and I think that's why it won't get better this time.

Anyways, getting that help with medication made a huge difference. I slept, it doesn't hurt right now.

I just want you to know...I applied for a job this morning.

I get notices through Indeed and the State of Minnesota, so when one comes up that I'm qualified for, I can be on it quickly.

Good way to start my day anyways.

I paid the rent this morning too. They give us until the 5th.

This is the first time I've paid it and had money left over until my next paycheck.

And that feels great too.

So it would seem I have much to be grateful for today.

And I am.

So on that note, I'm gonna go get dressed, etc. and ready for work and I will be back tomorrow.

Way to go girl (as I pat myself on the back).

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Physical Stuff

Happy Afternoon,

I am so grateful and relieved right now. I’ve tried hard not to post on FB and especially not multiple times but y’all, my back is my arch nemesis.

The best way to describe this is:

It’s right next to my spine on the right hand side and it’s on the lower side of my upper back.

It comes in waves and the only thing I have reference for; is being in labor about to give birth.

The waves feel more like contractions. You have the pain of that but in the middle of these contractions, the pain will travel to other areas both north and south of the original trouble spot.

This started last Monday and has gotten progressively worse. These episodes usually last 2-3 days and doesn’t affect me when I sleep. Well we are going in a week and last night, the pain kept me up.

I try not to bitch about my physical stuff to much but I understand why some do. Pain is awful.

With no insurance, you can guess where I’m going. No one in their right mind, I should say no doctor, in their right mind would prescribe pain medication to someone they hadn’t seen.

I won’t say who on here but someone reached out today saying I would love to see your face. I miss it. I explained what was going on in this person said you need to come see me. So I dropped my daughter off at work and went over to my friends house. I was given some muscle relaxers and some painkillers. Both of these were prescribed so I felt safe accepting it.

I’m on my couch now PAIN FREE.

Have a good night!

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

T-Boned

Good Morning!

It is Saturday and I am telling myself one two three and GO.

Yup, there’s a list.

Yup, it’s a lot.

I want things DONE!

I want to stop talking about what I want to do and just DO it.

I have to be in action mode.

Yes I honor that I’m tired but letting things pass me by doesn’t serve me. 

I’m going to have to stay off my phone.

I do want to take a moment to take a moment to share some gratitude.

My daughter was in a car accident yesterday.

A guy ran a red light and tboned her.

She’s ok.

Shook up and damage to her front end (car) but she’s ok.

One second earlier and that might not have been the case.

So I’m grateful that she is ok. We even went and saw a movie last night. 

I’m grateful.

Alright.

I gotta get’er done.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Grief

Hi Everyone.

I’m so sad. So so sad. My sister’s beloved pup crossed the rainbow bridge yesterday.

My sister is heartbroken.

As are all of us who got to love her and share in her life and the joy she brought.

I got to spend time with her last weekend and I’m so happy.

All animals are special, of course, but when it’s our own or one we felt close to and loved, oh wow.

Takes your breath away.

I wonder if they even have a clue of the joy they bring.

Please send love out to my sister. I know her. I know her heart and I know it’s broken.

This kind of thing makes you feel helpless because you want to help ease the pain but there’s only time. Only time can heal and it’s an imperfect process.

Sweet Chatty you are loved. Run free through the plains of heaven. Run like the wind.

Say hello to my Fox, to Buffy and Casey and Venus and Bono and Newgie and Squeaky and Stanley and Friend and Cubby, to Qi and Presto, to Maple and Trout and Trickle and Syler.

Say hello to all our beloveds.

I feel like that’s all that matters today.

Grief.

My sister’s gentle heart.

Just send her love.

Hug your fur babies today in honor of Chatty.

She will be missed and this immeasurable loss is noted in, and will be kept, in our hearts until we are united again. 

Go gentle today.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light, 

Neecie

Rage

Hey Everyone,

I’m in a mood. I guess we all are, all the time. It’s just different moods.

I’ve been so focused on the Christa Pike execution that I really hadn’t heard much about the whole Cornell thing. And men wonder why we’re angry. They wonder why we shut down.

Be angry ladies.

It’s ok.

We have been held back, held down, shamed, abused and manipulated since the beginning of time.

Together, we need no “protection” from men. 

If you rape a woman, you get it cut off. Period. And you go to jail for the rest of your life. No parole. If you hurt a child, same.

Women commit crimes too, I’m not saying they don’t.

But we let men off easy and we say, “poor baby.”

No.

How come Christa Pike has to die for what she did but her boyfriend, who was only months younger, doesn’t?

That girl was filled with rage and I am in NO way condoning what she did but put her away for life. Let her get the help she was denied prior to her crime and let her be a mentor to women who will be released someday.

The comments I see on videos about her are so filled with misinformation, I really let it get to me. I have to stop but you know, they hit her with TWO series of shots and she’s ALIVE.

We’ve been told nothing about her condition but she’s alive. They fucked up. If she’s functional, I think she’s paid her price. Keep her locked up but let this execution bullshit go.

Ok.

The elephant in the room, of course, is Denise, what if this had been done to one of your girls? Because I would want to tear shit up and burn it down. I would’ve wanted to rip her to shreds.

I get it People.

I get it, and it is a conundrum.

I don’t have the answers.

I just know that my current experience of life and the things I’ve been through have led me to a place where I have disquiet in my heart about Christa’s journey.

I hate my job.

I’m grateful for my job. But if my boss comes at me about the whole “unreliable” thing today, I am going to tell what I think and how I feel and I’m going to tell her that just because she thinks those things, doesn’t mean they are true.

I gotta go.

Be Blessed.

Be Pissed.

Don’t Settle.

Love & Light,

Neecie