Nostalgia

 

Good Morning,

Deep breaths. I just got word that one of my bestie’s lost her mom last night. There’s a whole history there.

It’s funny how when you get older, those histories don’t always matter the way they once did, or they hold no power and how you can see as an adult, the bigger picture.

I got to see her mom about a month and a half ago.

And for me at least, everything came full circle.

So why the tears?

I often write about my nostalgia for my youth and I don’t think I’m unique in that. I just long to go back.

Kirsten, Lisa and I, tearing up terror and shenanigans and much laughter. Years of Kirsten and I creating shenanigans and memories…you know, it’s just hard.

Of the core group of us, only I have one parent still living; Lisa’s mom and dad are gone, Shari’s mom and dad are gone, Becky’s mom and dad are gone and now Kirsten too, has lost both parents.

I have lost my birthfather, and my Grandparents who raised me (for me, they were mom and dad) but my bio mom is still alive and I do consider her to be my “mommy” as I call her.

It’s a very strange thing, moving into the role of elder. I can’t say I enjoy it. I much prefer the freedom of my youth, thank you very much.

Mommy will be 78 this year and I hope she stays as long as possible, as long as she is in good health and no pain.

The no pain thing, the no suffering thing, is huge for me. I don’t hold well with pain and suffering and I have told everyone if it gets to that for me, or if I’m diagnosed with dementia in the early stages, I’m out.

I don’t want anyone to be surprised by that.

If I don’t go naturally, and something befalls me, be it illness or just physical pain as I age, I have put everyone on notice that I will take myself out. I have very strong feelings about that.

I want to be remembered as I was and not what I became as a result of illness or infirmity, ya know?

But in a way, our parents are our anchors and my friend’s mom, she was an anchor for me too. She was one of many adults who had an impact on me at one time or another. You know, you have the anchor and the foundation (which were my friendships) was held in place, maybe sometimes not well, but still, the anchors that held my foundation and that of my friends in place).

I wish I could go home.

I just want to cry.

I’m glad it’s not busy here.

I’m proud of my friend for many, many reasons; she took care of her mom. She didn’t have to do that. But she did. And I know my friend is probably feeling all the feelings; sad, relieved, exhausted. I’m sure there are so many memories coming up.

Not sure what I can do for her, but I want to do something.

It’s hard. My sister lost her lil’ Chatty Girl puppy recently and sometimes you don’t know what to do or say. But I try and I’ll show up if they need me to.

Mmmm…sad. So sad.

Not what I expected for this past week.

Life happens, right, and sometimes…life…changes.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie