Inner Dialogue

Good Morning,

So…yesterday. Not good. I think I really do need help, like psychological help.

I have spiraled and it’s dark here and I really don’t like it.

Shame is overwhelming me. I can’t stop thinking about my past, I can’t stop thinking horrible things about myself. The inner dialogue just won’t stop.

I have something that could potentially turn it around but in my current state of mind, I’m not sure.

I want to say this. I love my daughter so much. She came home from my other daughter’s place last night and neither one of us could sleep because it’s so hot in the apartment and she let me talk and cry.

I needed that. Just someone to listen and not freak out on me. Like some people are telling me to put myself in the nut ward. She thinks I need help too and I do but my God, how?

How?

Everything I need to do feels like Mount Everest in front of me and I have to climb it NOW.

I literally have no umph and I feel powerless to stop all this inner ruminating and lethargy.

I don’t want to die but I want to die if that makes sense.

I want my circumstances to die.

I gotta be who I want to be right NOW; not tomorrow, not next week, not when this or that happens, NOW.

It’s hard.

I got myself back into watching those near death experience videos and some of them make me mad.

I need to stop and accept that I’ll figure out what happens when I die when I die.

But for today; I need to shower and brush my teeth because I haven’t in a few days. 

I need to pick up. Somehow I need to get kitty litter and food.

I have very little money and I think I need to rent a storage locker to put our stuff in. I don’t know how the fuck I’m gonna do this without a car but here we go.

I’m besides myself but time to pick up the big girl panties.

Now I’m crying again so I’m gonna go before I spiral down the drain.

I hope you all have a great day. Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie