Love & Gratitude

Annnnd…muthaf*ckin’ blog #2.

I try to steer clear of twofers but it is what it is.

I started thinking of all the people who have helped me. There are so very many.

And I thought…I’m sitting here writing about offing myself and trying to come to terms with what that will mean to the people who love me.

And I did have a plan, I’ve been clean off my DOC for 3 and a half years but I know exactly where to score what I needed to have a peaceful death and I was gonna do it this Thursday when rent was due.

Yes. That’s where this has brought me to.

But then…my daughter came in my room last night and I was able to cry about all this…finally and to tell her I’m sorry because she has been doing her part, this bullshit is all me and I was able to tell her I’m sorry.

So that helped.

I’m blessed she doesn’t hate me.

Then we cried together today and had a great talk. And we came up with a possibility and I made a call and we’re out of here. If we get out soon enough, we avoid eviction.

It’s even possible I might be able to add this to my bankruptcy.

Fuck it,, ya know? 

I have to be a little cold about this because the reality is cold. The reality sucks ass, head and hole but we have to survive.

So yeah…

Fuck it. I don’t have a second to waste so I’ve been going through my clothes. I need boxes.

I want the apartment as cleared out as possible by Thursday so I can clean.

I don’t want to be charged anything that can be avoided.

My goal is to be out by this coming weekend.

I’ve got a friend working on boxes for me.

I’m at peace but this brings a new stress. Whatever.

The peace is bigger than the stress. I have been making choices in the past month that I’m proud of.

They are choices that take into consideration the people who love me too.

People who want to help but then feel guilty that they are unable to. I can’t fucking put people through that anymore.

Done.

I have no idea what this will all mean, I have no idea what’s going to happen going forward.

I told my sister, it’s all love and gratitude now, come what may.

Love & Gratitude.

So…

Let the Wild Rumpus Begin!

Love & Light,

Neecie