The Veil

Good Morning,

Wow.

Something happened while I slept last night and I really didn’t sleep that well so I’m kind of tripping.

I got up this morning and a packet of pictures I’d had printed some time ago was on the floor. These pictures? I’d forgotten all about them. They were deep in a drawer in a nightstand next to my bed. The pics were out of the packet they had been in and were spread over the floor next to my bed. All of the pictures were facing down. As I turned each one over, they were all of Mom.

It’s Samhain today. The veil is at its thinnest. Some members of my family joke about me saying that but…

Hi Mom. I love you too. I think about you everyday. 

And Dad. I can still see you as if you are standing right in front of me.

My bio dad, David? He came this year too. He died on October 20, 2013. I didn’t even think of it this year. It was such a complicated thing, our relationship.

It still is.

I don’t hate him. And I know I loved and adored him when I was little. It changed as I started seeing things through an adult lens. And it’s changed again as I have began healing from a lifetime of “stuff.”

When I talk to him now, I go between saying, “Dude, you fucked up” to, “I do love you, I just wish things could’ve been different.”

I don’t dwell on any of this anymore. It was what it was and it is what it is. I no longer see him through rose colored glasses but I also don’t see him through the lens of blame and judgment.

Anyways, I’m gonna be spending this evening with a kiddo, my daughter’s bestie’s boy. I love him so much.

Not sure if I’m gonna hand out candy or not.

Mom’s visits always are followed up with good things so I have hope again in my heart.

She always saved me.

She is still saving me.

Love you Momma.

Happy Halloween!!!

Be Blessed and Spooky.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I'm Still Standing

 

Hello My Loves,

Interesting how a bad day can completely turn itself around. I am writing this blog on Wednesday evening. It's 10PM, an hour after bedtime but because I was a lazy B last night, I wanted to hit it tonight so hit it I did. I shot a long form video and am processing it now.

I brought all the dirty cups, etc. up from the car and rinsed them and got them in the dishwasher. I got all my Willow's Whimsy stuff in the file cabinet (not organized yet) and I brought 3 huge boxes and some garbage down to the dumpster. I am giving myself a facial and as the video uploads, I will put away the clean load of laundry on my bed and I shall shower.

AAAAnd the video shot in slow motion. I don't have time to figure it out so no long form video after all.

Tomorrow night!

I am hoping to be in bed by 11 so I can maybe, if the Gods will it, get in 6 hours of solid zzzz's.

Tomorrow, I hope to go through all my clothes and get rid of what needs getting rid of and also go through my cupboards. I won't get rid of too much on that front but I want to reorganize it all.

And then, the rest of the projects? And then...as far as the projects and procrastination? Well that part of the Purge will be done. All sit down stuff plus organizing the little file cabinet with the afore-mentioned Willow's Whimsy stuff. My goal will be to finish all that on Saturday. It may not sound like a lot, but trust me, it's a lot.

I want to start Sunday with a fresh, renewed motivation. Sunday will involve roller skating, shooting long form videos and preparing meals for the week. I will finally feel less pressure to do that.

I honestly don't remember consistently working on things like this in years, if ever. So it just feels amazing.

And finally, I have TONS to do at work in order to wrap things off for the layoff. So work will be going much faster, my days should be flying by.

You probably figured out that I wrote this blog last night.

All in an effort to make my day a productive one.

Life may be falling apart around me but I don't have to fall apart. Like, I'm Still Standing.

Have a great day all.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

And That is Enough

Good Morning!!

Oh you guys, the struggle is real.

It also is what it is.

Life is all the things, isn’t it? 

Hard, easy, beautiful, ugly, scary, carefree, kind, mean.

You get the gist.

Last night was very hard on me. I will not be going into detail. I went to bed early just to shut it all out.

Sleep was evasive; in and out.

The mornings are dark again and I struggle with that. It makes things harder to shake off or smile my way through.

I don’t mind it getting dark earlier in the evening but yeah…I prefer my morning wakeups with sunshine.

I am refusing to give in to my inner darkness. After last night  I am coming to realize that some parts of me, while much qwelled, will always be there. Human beings are creatures capable of change but I think each, and every one of us comes with traits that are inherent and can be worked on, but that will always show up in moments of high stress or fear or anxiety, etc.

Alcoholics Anonymous refers to them as character defects. I am very good at seeing the defects and others and everyone has them like I said, but last night was a big old lesson in anger for me.

The thing that has changed is I no longer react to it. My reactions are very, very different. But I got so angry and the thoughts that were racing through my brain were not good so I just went to bed.

These intense kinds of emotions are what I have struggled with my whole life. And it really doesn’t matter if they are what we would deem good or bad emotions. Cause good or bad, I am prone to intensity.

Last night was about anger, and that intensity blew me away. At least I am in a place now, where I see it, I know what’s happening, and I don’t react. But the intensity of the feeling itself, regardless of whether I act or not, is kind of like a hangover of sorts. It just drains you.

It doesn’t matter what the situation was, that’s why I’m not writing about it. It was not something that was done to me, it was something that was done to someone I love.

And all the it was just right there waiting for me to pick it up. I chose not to. I have no control over other people and what they do. But it would seem that I have come to a place where I have some control over myself.

And at the end of the day, that is a good thing. Many of you know or may have experienced Denise in her feelings.

As we all know, it is OK to have feelings, but it is not good to react from a place of feeling. It is good to step back, take some deep breaths, remove yourself and reflect.

So I wish I had a post about Happy, Happy Lovejoy.

Not today.

All is well and all manner of things will be well.

I love and I am loved and that is enough for me.

Have a great day.

Be blessed.

Love and light,

Neecie

Betty’s Pies.

Hi Everyone, 

Good morning. It’s my Monday and I’m not liking it, lol. Find your gratitude, Neecie girl, find your gratitude.

It’s raining. It was really dark on the roads in. Scary. The older I get, the worse driving in the dark is but add rain or snow to that and kablam!

Not good.

My trip was excellent.

It was sunny out yesterday and perfect. We went to Gooseberry Falls after grabbing coffee.

Beautiful.

We stopped at Betty’s Pies for lunch. I did not have any if Betty’s Pies but I did have a grilled cheese and it was delish.

I had a great time with my sister.

Today it’s back to…whatever this is. I’m trying to be grateful. I know I won’t be returning after the layoff period is over and my heart is already done…like why are you here today girl but I’m here for all the reasons.

I am so relieved that I was able to get some things done last night; the dishes and the now!!! The dining room is done.

I am slowly getting there.

By Thursday night, the 6th, I should be done with all of it!

I’m blowing myself away! 

Now if I could just apply all this to weight loss, exercise and quitting smoking.

I have to believe I’ll get there. These are all good things and I feel very proud of myself.

And even though I haven’t quit smoking, I literally have been at half a pack for almost a month now. I mean, think about it. That is something. That is worth something. I do know I have to push myself and I do know the end goal is none. The coughing is bad. It’s a problem. My oximeter got broken while I was gone this weekend and so I can’t check my oxygen levels, but they have historically been very, very good and well within what’s normal. I just like to have that thing because sometimes the coughing gets so bad and there are mornings where I’m literally gasping for air. And I like to check it on those occasions. So I’ll have to get a new one.

Anyways, here I am. And tonight will be good, I will get a lot done.

There are some videos, little shorts, of Duluth if you want to see them. They are over on my YouTube channel.

Thanks Guys!!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Breathing Like a Human

Hello Dahlings,

Y’girl just went up 50 gajillion steps at Gooseberry Falls. I am finally breathing like a human being again.

Kinda proud of myself.

My sister and I are having a wonderful time. I’m so grateful to her for doing this. I can’t afford these things right now.

I’ve made my steps plus everyday. If I did this hiking and walking business everyday, I’d be in shape in no time.

There are so many memories up here because mom and dad brought us up here yearly as kids. And I brought my kids here often. These things have such meaning to me now and I hope they do for my kids as well.

It’s important to talk about the people we love, the ones who are no longer here. It’s a beautiful to way to keep them alive in our hearts and minds.

One of my daughter’s friends ask that I say hi to her parents as well so I did that. I told them she missed them very much.

There also have been hilarious moments and TONS of laughing; the kind where you struggle not to pee your pants.

Good stuff Maynard.

I did have an awful nightmare last night and it took me a long time to finally wake up and realize it was just a dream. 

Too horrid to even write out. 

This last month, as I’ve mentioned before, my dreaming has amped up a gajillion percent.

It’s the veil. I’m convinced of it. Lots of things coming through.

I will admit I’m looking forward to snuggling my fur felines this evening.

And seeing my daughter.

Ok, I’m going to enjoy the rest of this day and we will get back to a regular schedule tomorrow.

I hope you all have a good Monday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Relax Road Trip

Hello.

Oh my God, I need to breathe. I am a freak of nature right now. I did get the kitchen cleaned last night and I did some laundry but I am going on a road trip with my sister and now it’s on. I did get up this morning and meditate and I have been running errands like a freak of nature, I guess I already said that I’m a freak of nature that has been established at least. 

The only thing I really have left to do is find my daughter’s keys because she forgot them and pack my bags. I pack Way too big when I go on trips, even if I’m just going to my sister‘s overnight. It’s kind of a running joke.

Anyways, what a great week as far as getting things done. I am grateful for this newfound, pushing of myself that I seem to be able to do my goal still hold strong and I hope to be done with all of the projects by A week from Thursday so that I can relax while my auntie is here.

I am so glad she is coming.

Anyways, I will be posting shorts, so make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel. You will get to see Lake superior and things I find interesting. Hopefully you will too.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Be blessed.

Love and light,

Neecie

Go Ahead, Push Yourself A Bit

 

Good Morning,

I didn't sleep well but I feel OK. 

You guys! I knocked it out last night. I really did.

The supplies project? Done. In the bag. Behind me.

It took about 2 hours.

It feels amazing.

I'm so happy.

I feel kinda proud of myself but more than anything, I feel relief.

Relief alone makes this so worth it. Go ahead, push yourself a bit, there's a payoff, I promise you.

There are about 10 more projects left but the majority of them are all sit down projects.

I got this!

Tonight, I just want to clean up the kitchen and pack for my weekend trip and work on one of the easy projects.

I want to be in bed early.

I want to be in a place where I can just get up, take my time getting ready to get out the door, grab my shit and go.

Alright. Well. I'm just feeling good about things right now so we're gonna run with that.

I will be back tomorrow AM for sure but probably not Sunday or Monday.

Cuz I'll be up north with my lil' seesy.

Have a good one guys.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Poo Where You Will

Good Morning,

Major slowdown today. So many weird ass dreams. I’ll tell you about one of them in a second because it was funny but just want to mention that I slowed down big time last night. 

My friend Kirsten called so we caught up quickly and made plans for a coffee meetup so we can talk more.

I was putting away clean clothes while I talked to her and after getting off the phone, I was like, “Ok, tummy is aching a bit again and I’m tired.”

I did it though, I forced myself to clean out and organize the pantry. We still have so much stuff. 

Tonight, I want to finish that, make bathbombs and do the biggest of all the projects, which is to organize my supplies and get them ALL in bins so there are no outliars.

Tomorrow night, I’m gonna make more bombs and redo my budget.

Saturday, I’m going on a trip with my sister. 

I feel like I can let go and enjoy myself if I can just get these things done.

Ok, the dream; there were many and this one sortof morphed into other dreams but Arnold Schwarzenegger was sitting on my couch (my house was a mess and looked nothing like my apartment). I noticed a big turd right behind his head. 

It was a cat turd. It was huge. He leaned back and it got in his hair and I was mortified. I ran in the kitchen and ran a washcloth under hot water. He had tried to clean it up himself but there was still poop in his hair and on his fingers and I diligently attempted to clean it all off him.

There was more to the dream but just that small part was so funny.

Sorry Arnold. I guess in my dreams, my cats are allowed to poo where they will.

So I slept in this morning. In spite of all I hope to conquer tonight, I also hope to be in bed by 9.

Emotionally, I’m all over the place today. It’s not as bad as it’s been but definitely emotional today.

And not wanting to be here at work. After about an hour’s worth of “stuff”, I will have nothing to do.

I just spoke to my daughter and I feel really good about the conversation. We are both gonna be making some big changes and change can be scary, but we know we can do it. And we agreed to talk about budget and not just making a budget but actually living on a budget.

I have about four hours and 40 minutes more of work and I’m just gonna do whatever I have to do to get through that and go home and I am gonna knock it out of the park and I’m not just saying that.

Tomorrow when I blog, I hope to blog very good things.

And so on that note, I bid you Good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My Mojo Da House

 

Good Morning!

And oh my is it ever. I set the alarm for 4, it went off and I was gonna say fuck it and go back to sleep, except that I knew if I tried to sleep, I wouldn't and that would be a major waste of two hours.

My mojo came back you guys. 

I'm running with it because this is not the norm and I need to get as much done as I can while it lasts.

Last night, I had a list and I told myself, "look, just do what you can and leave the rest."

Turns out I could do a lot.

I made my dinner for the rest of the week. Then I rinsed and loaded up the dishes and ran a cycle. I did two loads of laundry. I vacuumed the entire apartment, took the cushions off the couch, etc, like I vacuumed everything.

I was able to give myself a facial and shower and wash me hair. I had already organized my walk-in closet, but there is a sortof shelf thing in there with 4 shelves that I hadn't gone through so I did that too.

Picked my kiddo up and went to bed.

This morning I went on a walk, I meditated, I did my Wim Hof breathing stuff, I cleaned the bathroom and I went through the drawers and the cabinet underneath the sink.

Another project done.

I cleaned poop out of the cat boxes.

I'm sitting on about 45 minutes until I have to leave. I have to pay a bill in that time, write out a check, get dressed, get my food for the day together.

Not a problem.

I am stopping over at my roommate's this morning to pick up a package that arrived and then off to work I go.

At least tonight, I don't have to cook so I have plans...of course I have plans.

You would not know, if you walked into my apartment, that I've been organizing, down sizing, etc. But all of the things that are done,  meant moving things out to the dining room and living room to be gone through and reorganized.

But slowly, it finally is coming together. 

And the thing about that, is that it means I can enjoy my vacation with my sister this weekend, I will be able to fully focus on my Aunt when she comes, like, it'll all be done.

Alright, I better get things moving so I can get out on time.

Here is another video of my obsession, the girl who stole my heart, she is only 3 years old and that's a real fine way to start; had to throw some Zeppelin in there, it's what I do.

Lil' dolly.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Good Energy

Hi Y’all,

How ya doing? I cautiously assert that I am good. I was gonna do the crash last night but my daughter’s bestie and her little guy came over and they helped us clean. I was playing with little dude. If they could somehow bottle that energy, man, I’d be skinny and in shape!!

And I slept ok but with so many dreams. I got a visit from someone I haven’t thought of in forever. I need to do some research. I’m not sure if he’s passed or not. He was much older than me when I knew him. Just the nicest guy.

He had two kids; a son and a daughter. The daughter was killed one night after she had snuck out to be with a boy. It was so tragic. 

And we fell out of communication at some point. But there he was in my dream, same smile,

Hi Tom!!!!!

Anyways, it was a good night.

I’m thinking if I have this damn energy I should use it. So hopefully, it’ll be on tonight.

My other sister went home last night. We had such a good visit. Because I had stuff I had to get done around the house and I had to work yesterday, I wasn’t able to see her again, which makes me sad but I’m hoping I can make it out to her when I’m laid off.

What a good visit though. She’s a breath of fresh air. I do hope I can get out there. I’d like to finally meet my niece and nephew in person. They are precious, beautiful, smart, magical little beings. I want them to always know how very loved they are. I don’t know if any of my kids will have kids. I’m ok with whatever they choose. But you all know how important bloodlines and ancestry are to me so it makes me happy that the possibility of our line continues in them.

That may seem a trivial thing to some but it means the world to me.

I need a break from my IBS. I’m going to do something my doctor recommended I don’t do. I’m going to get some anti diarrhea medicine and take it for a week. IBS is what it is, but sometimes, you just need a break.

Just for a week.

I have been craving two things; one is a banana, walnut, chocolate chip muffin and the other is Chi Chi’s. Chi Chi’s was a MN restaurant chain that went away a number of years ago and they are back! 

A lot of memories with that place, a staple of my teen and young adult years for sure.

Alright, I’m signing off for the day. I hope you all have a good one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Cause and Effect

 

Hi Everyone,

So I have never done this at this job but trying to blog on my phone is a nightmare of epic proportions, especially now that I got my nails done.

Whatever. I don’t have enough to get me through my day today so I can squeeze this in. I literally spent the first hour and a half talking to my boss but we talk about interesting things.

I am going to ask her for a set date on my lay off tomorrow.

Okie, so I had a great weekend. I was at my sister’s for her bday, Fri-Sun AM. My sister of the heart came out to celebrate with us.

It was so good to see her in person and get all caught up. I love the way she dresses. Class act, that one. My sister said, and I agree, that she inspires her to wear more dresses. She just always looks so nice. Feminine but not in a bougie way.

And she is just as kind as she is a good dresser, lol, just for the record. We went out to eat Saturday morning after she arrived. Then we overall just hung out, my oldest daughter came over and spent the night. We had pasta, they had some drinks and we played games. It was funny and it was fun.

It’s so hard for me to let go and let fun happen because in the back of mind is this constant shit show of all I have to do…like it ever fucking happens anyway.

Ha!

There is also sadness at myself that I can’t afford to do more on birthdays. Some of that shame lingers on. Ugh.

My sister says it’s not about that and not to feel bad but I do…it’s been a lifetime of this bullshit, but for two shining years or so, where I was actually able to get gifts, etc.

It felt really good.

But yeah, what a great weekend.

I must admit, I was so happy to see my feline love joys when I got home. I can’t stand being apart from them. Grey came hopping out and jumped right into my arms. I’m going to get cameras so I can watch them, lol. And talk to them.

So I got a ticket today. The cop pulled me over for speeding but he totally could’ve nailed me and he didn’t. He ticketed me for driving with expired tabs. Still sucks but it is what it is. He told me that because I was honest and respectful that he wasn’t gonna ticket me for the speeding.

So even in getting a ticket, there’s something to be grateful for I guess.

I’m supposed to go out to dinner tonight and I don’t want to go. It’s not that I don’t want to see my friends, it’s the list of things I need to do. It gnaws at me constantly.

And I know people love me and want to see me and are worried about me. I’m OK. I mean, I’m not OK but my not being OK is OK. No danger zone here because I refuse to be a victim to anything.

I got pulled over because I was speeding not because the cop was an asshole.

I’m suffering my ass off financially because I was irresponsible and I’m trying to pay all this back/off because bankruptcy is half of what’s wrong in this country.

It’s all cause and effect and sometimes it’s not, sometimes it’s life and shit happens.

Really good stuff has happened to me too and its so easy to forget the flowers when the shitstorm happens. Stir shit up and it smells worse; sprinkle flower petals around and it smells so fucking good.

Now if I could just shit and fart flowers…

But I digress.

I do feel like life is kindof hellish right now but heaven resides in hell too. It’s not exclusive and this too shall pass.

So I’m not going to reach out about dinner. If I am contacted, I will respond but I might respond with, “I don’t have it in me tonight.” I know some would argue see your friends but sometimes you have to weigh one with the other and maybe my piece of mind at getting things done around the apartment outweighs the peace of mind of being with my friends right now.

It doesn’t mean I don’t love them, and clearly I’m not completely isolating because I spent the entire weekend at my sister’s.

I’ll be with her all this weekend too.

Then a weekend off and then my Auntie comes. All good things.

So. No. Not isolating. Just trying to get’er done.

Ok. There you have it.

That’s it for the day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Nails

 

Hello All,

So I am headed out to my sister's place. I don't feel like bringing my laptop so I'm going to do a quick blog now and I'll catch up with you all when I get home Sunday.

I think my boss is over me. I think she knows I'm over this job. 

But I made it.

I did something for myself that I couldn't quite afford yet but my picking is so horrendous you guys, I had to get some nails. I can finally put this part of my struggles to rest.

They are a beautiful golden, green.Very fall like.

I seem to be without to many symptoms today.

I'm grateful for that.

I just want to focus on my sister and her birthday so I'm letting all that go for now.\

Yeah I do have a lot to write but I'll do it Sunday.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Childhood Heroes

Hello!

How are you all doing today? It’s Friday and that in and of itself is a thing of beauty. 

The cats came to visit me in and off all night. All 3 of them were restless and have been staring at a spot in my room. Time to sage.

I tried really hard last night to be active and get things done but I was just…my mind was cluttered and I struggled to unclutter it.

I’m sad. I’ve been doing this honoring of those who have passed on FB and some of these memories, well no, all of these memories are bittersweet. 

I’m getting off work early because I have so much to do. It never ends. 

But.

Ah yes, but. I will ultimately be headed out to my sister’s for her birthday weekend.

Our sister of the heart is flying out tomorrow to spend it with us. 

Lots coming up in the next few weeks, things that will help me get through the next 40 days or so until at last I am laid off for the season.

Lord have mercy.

I can get through this. I guess how I get through it is entirely up to me.

I can be miserable or I can be happy. I can be lazy or I can be productive.

Etc, etc.

Ace Frehley died. I had a huge poster of him in my bedroom back in 6th grade. Poor mom and dad. They got me the Kiss Rock and Roll Over album when I was like…9. They must’ve heard the lyrics and been like…what did we do?

Sad.

Ok, so as soon as I got to work, I started smelling mildew. It’s me, it’s coming from my sinuses. 

All the things I am doing are finally releasing all the shit up there. 

Gross.

I gots to go. I hope you all have a great day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Projects and Progression

Good Morning,

I want to go off, I do because that is my inherent nature but instead I shall just say that sleep eluded me last night. In a big way.

And there’s no way I can miss another day of work. 

But.

Let me say this. You would never know it by the looks of things when you walk into my apartment but I got 3 of my projects done yesterday.

I got the storage locker gone through and organized and was able to get a couple more boxes in there as a result.

I went through my file cabinet and organized and filed this opening up more room for a few things as well. I also went through my walk in closet and organized it and made room for things.

Tonight, I have two projects I want to work on and have behind me by the time I go to bed.

I plan on getting up early tomorrow to clean the kitchen.

I’ll be gone most of the weekend and won’t have time to clean otherwise.

So I feel amazing having accomplished that.

I’m going into work late. I texted my boss because I knew I had to get more sleep.

But at least I’m going in.

I am at the point where I have massive anxiety about going in and a lot of it is because of the trailer I work in. I know I’ve mentioned that I don’t think the thing has ever been deep cleaned. And while my smoking is horrific to my health, I don’t believe that the smoking has caused any of this, rather, I think it exacerbates everything.

I will be gone all weekend though and the person/people I will be with, do not smoke. I am not going to buy any cigarettes for the weekend and I am not going to smoke this weekend. If I have to, I will when I get home on Sunday, but I am telling myself that at least For 48 hours, I will not be smoking this weekend.

Ok, well I have to get moving. 

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Just Swim

 

I guess I can still say good morning!

I did not go into work. I woke up with the vertigo full force. Everytime I moved, the world was swimming. And then the dry heaving.

I had another bout of the weird flushing but I didn't swell up this time.

I'm still doing the neti pot 2x per day, still palpating each ear 3x per day. I do 3 rounds of 30 3x that is. Each ear.

I also do lymphatic drainage massage 2x per day. I now brush my teeth with an antibacterial soap and do an antibacterial mouthwas 2x per day.

I will do whatever the hell is needed to get past this.

I honestly feel, perhaps somewhat dramatically, that this is ruining my life.

I have huge resentments about this job. The why me shit and I decided I better start journaling again. I don't want to put negative rants up here and honestly, my plan is to rant in my journal and then turn it around on here, like what's the solution? 

I can't live in the problem. I spent way to  many years there. The solution is get another job. Yeah, it's more work, yeah, it sucks but it also is what it is and at the end of the day, it may lead me to better things.

I've already proven I can work under extreme emotions from others around me, I've proven I can get to work even when I don't want to.

So I do feel prepared for anything I might walk into.

Today, I am dealing with the vertigo. It backed off quite a bit after I did the neti pot. I'm going to give myself one hour to perform 4 of my big projects. If I haul ass, it'll be done.

That's all I'm writing that I want to do because there's more, there's always more but those 4 things are my priorities.

I want a good, happy life. It's very hard for me to not feel some kindof way when I really start pushing for the better, why does the Universe push back? I end up sick, depressed, mad, resentful.

It's so weird but maybe some of it comes down to that old self-worth problem of mine and the habit of failing as opposed to succeeding. What the Universe seems to ignore is the fact that keeping on keeping on, is a success. At least for me it is. Just keep swimming.

Poogah, Just Swim.

If you know, you know.

Ok, well...project number one, here I come.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

44 Days

Hello Lovely People of the Blog,

I hope you are all well.

I’m having a time of it this morning. I slept well. But I just felt and still feel…sad. I’m off my meds and the morning years are back. I just let it happen. It doesn’t hurt anything.

It’s alright to cry… it might make you…feel better.

IYKYK, lol.

I wanted to call in today. There is very little to do here and there is very MUCH to do at home.

But there’s money in the line, you see?

Always, there is money on the line.

Hmph.

It took forever to get to work. As hearty as Minnesotans claim to be, they lose they damn minds when it comes to driving in rain or snow. It’s raining today, let’s hope it doesn’t snow until after I get laid off. Then bring it.

Well last night, I cleaned the kitchen.

Woohoo. Go me.

I need time, I need more time.

A month and a half. 

Thanksgiving is on the 27th so I should be done working on the 26th. Today is the 14th of October.

So 44 days man.

44 days. 

Get me the fuck out of here.

My gut tells me that much of what I’m going through is somehow connected to working in this trailer that I don’t think has ever been cleaned. And it’s a good 15 to 20 years old. 

Just get me out of here.

I want my Mom.

Isn’t this just a happy post?

I did do my affirmations in the car here and I did say my morning greetings (prayers).

I mostly just loved on the cats this morning. I could’ve done other things but I needed their softness and purrs. And they were happy for the attention.

So there are some good things.

I’m sorry.

This blog is supposed to be about making it through, success and the journey.

I’m feeling a bit defeated by the journey right now is all.

I did all my self care stuff last night and this morning and I’m about to do my lymphatic drainage massage. I do it here because it’s something to do.

It’ll all be ok.

Someone I love is flying in from the East coast on Saturday. Please say a blessing for her flight.

Things are scary right now. But they will be ok.

Thanks you guys!

Be Blessed. 

Love & Light,

Neecie

Swollen Face

 

Good Morning,

Oh you guys, I would've loved to blog this weekend but Saturday I woke up in "go" mode and got so much done.

I also went out, I went to the Pumpkin Patch with my daughter, her bestie and her bestie's kiddo. Then we all went out to eat.

I was relaxing and the shit hit the fan.

I felt this weird "tug" in my jaw as I ate and then the sensation of something letting go inside of me and I felt my face and the entire left side of my face was swollen.

I mean, I could go into all the "stuff" that came along with it but I facetimed my sister so she could see and we went down the rabbit hole of what this could be. She's good that way. We were on the phone for quite awhile. Her and my bestie are honestly the only two people I can bear to be on the phone with...well my kids too. I just can't deal with being told what to do...I just need to vent and laugh and get loved on and love on others. I don't want advice, it stresses me out and I get this sense of frustration when people don't understand. I know I need to let that go but for now, just venting, just having others hold space for me. My sister's got that down. I mean, she does say I need to quit smoking but it's the way she does it, it's not this big psychological evaluation of me. I'm just really grateful to have her.

After speaking with her, I went to bed and vertigo kicked in. I've had bad, long lasting vertigo before but never anything like this. I would move and then I'd dry heave over and over because of the nauseousness. 

Yesterday was better, the fluids have mostly drained from my face but I was exhausted. And not to mention the vertigo came and went.

I woke up at 3:30 this morning and didn't go back to sleep, I just laid there and had some cuddle sessions with Pumps and Grey.

I knew I had finally gotten some decent deep sleep because I felt refreshed.

I'm continuing with the neti pot twice a day because I believe that my doing this is what finally released some of the shit that's been building up in my sinuses.

In spite of everything, I did get a shower in last night and that felt amazing...I don't like being dirty.

So hopefully, we are now on the mend.

I wanted to go on a walk this morning but I'm taking it slow. The main things for me at this point, is to do self-care stuff that will help with whatever I'm going through now.

And to get my food for the day together. I'll deal with tonight when it comes.

And I'll write about it tomorrow.

So I guess I better get going. The next 4 weeks are going to be nuts.

I need to focus on all that needs to get done but also all that I need to do to be OK.

I've been writing out stories everyday about someone in my life who has passed, you know, just honoring one person and their impact on my life at a time.

It's been bittersweet but it's also been amazing to look back and see how blessed I am to have known so very many lovely, talented, caring people.

Blessed is the word for it.

Alright, onwards as they say.

Have a great day loves.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Tomorrow

 

Hi Guys,

Oh man. Today was better as far as the pooping but I gotta tell ya, I don't think there is one single person on this planet who is as full of shit as I am.

I am dead fucking serious. Only six times today. But everything hurts again.

I am blogging tonight because tomorrow, I can't take working until 4:30 so I'm going in at 6 and I'm not gonna take a lunch and I'm the fuck out of there by 2.

My boss said yes, that's OK with her. She is going through a lot but she seems to be aware that I'm not quite myself of late and she see's me have to get up and go to the bathroom and she see's me holding me ear while I'm at my computer and she always gives me a compassionate look or says she's sorry I'm not feeling well.

So it made me happy she said yes.

For tonight? Well, I have a load of laundry in and I think I'm going to take everything in the fridge and throw it out and clean the fuck out of the fridge because it's nasty. It just is. 

It's not like there's a ton in there anyways, ya know? 

But like...just so I can say I got something done.

I took a shower this morning because I've been so down for the count, I haven't take one in two days. That's the kiss of death for me, especially when I'm pooping constantly.

It's been hard to blog about my goals or my feelings of late and how I'm dealing with them because when you're sick, and you just feel like absolute shit, man that's all you can focus on.

If I can just muster myself together enough to have some kind of meaningful weekend, I will be so happy.

At some point, I guess when you feel physically like shit, you just have to accept that you feel physically like shit and go on.

I can't even say well, this one thing is the worst of it because it all sucks; on any given day I'm shitting my brains out, I have an ear ache, I have a tooth ache, my stomach hurts or I'm nauseous, or I have a head ache. Some days my throat hurts and I'm coughing a lung up.

So I can't say oh I can make it through all this, instead I'll have to assess each day and say, OK, so it seems that this is what's gonna ail me today and accept it and try to move with it as opposed to against it.

I struggle between giving myself permission to just rest and not feeling bad about that or plowing through so hard, I burn out.

Bla.

One more day. That's a good thing. One more day and then the weekend and will get off early tomorrow and next weekend, sister time and the next weekend, sister time and then the next weekend, Auntie time.

And then two weeks after that...like...I'm done for 3 months and we'll deal with the consequences of that when it comes. 

Worry gets you nowhere.

Alright, so no blog tomorrow guys, unless I feel so inclined to blog tomorrow evening but we shall see, we shall see.

Have a good night. Snuggle up if you can, to someone or some animal or in some warm blankies.

Love to you all.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Protection From Fans

Here I am, your miserable girl, lamenting over my lethargy and illness.

Is that what’s to become of me? A complainer of my woes?

All I will say is that yesterday was an act of misery. I didn’t have diarrhea but I stopped counting trips to the bathroom after 20. I was gross. My stomach hurt. I went home and got into bed and only got out to pig out on anything that was available; not good for my IBS.

But I didn’t care.

I have a new obsession. It’s watching reels from the movie Dracula, A Love Story with Caleb Landry Jones. It will be released in the US in February of 2026. I have no idea why this appeals to me the way it does. Reviews are mixed. Some feel it’s a blatant rip off of Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula starring Gary Oldman and Winona Ryder. Others say it is a masterpiece. I guess I’ll find out in February.

Anyways…something’s gotta give.

I have very little to do today. I have plenty to do at home but of course I don’t paid for that, lol.

At any rate, here I am blogging while at work. I just put some homeopathic drops in my ear and after they’ve fully went down, I’ll do lymphatic drainage massage on my head and neck. You cannot believe what a difference this makes. It’s temporary but I will take relief where I can get it.

I know for a fact it doesn’t help that I’ve my window open with the fan in it the past two nights but it’s so cold, it’s like heaven. Let me tell you…Heaven is COLD. But when I get out from under those covers??? Freezing. Too cold. The cats sleep on the side of me that protects them from the fan and keeps them warm and I sleep buried under a sheet, two blankets and a comforter. It’s the best thing ever…still probably not good for an ear infection.

Well, I’m trying to focus on happy things tonight and get my head into some kind of place of sense. I’ll let you know how that goes tomorrow.

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Miss Mary Sunshine

Good Morning!

I’m not feelin’ it but what else is new? I should’ve worn a coat, it’s frickin’ freezing. Hang on, gonna turn up the heat in this shindig.

Ok, hopefully, that will kick in soon. 

This illness, whatever it is, is kicking my ass from bumfuck Egypt to Timbuktu.

Fucker.

I made the massive mistake yesterday of going on my lunch to pick up some things for this cold that I can’t seem to kick. I grabbed some cough syrup and didn’t even pay attention to what I was grabbing. When I got back to the office, I took a bump. Oops. Not only does it have Benadryl in it, which knocks me on my butt, it had alcohol in it. Now this kind of thing is not something I freak out about because I will take things with alcohol in it for colds, etc. I know a lot of people who are sober won’t do that and I understand why but it does not make me want to drink, trust me. I wasn’t buzzed at all, I was just massively out of it. The drive home was kind of scary. I got right into bed and slept for two hours. 

I seem to sleep better when pumpkin is right next to me and I think it’s because of her weight. It’s comforting somehow. So I need to get a heavy body pillow that I can sleep up against for those nights when she sleeps with her mama, my daughter.

This morning, my stomach has just been fire too. It’s like I wake up and it’s, “Let the wild rumpus begin.”

I made it to work without having to stop and that is good.

Anyways, I am really learning about letting go. I don’t even have the energy to fix it on all the things that are not happening this week because I get right into bed when I get home. You know, for the most part. But this is because of sickness and not depression.

I am just trying to take care of myself at this point and get through this. I got some special mouthwash that is hard-core antibacterial and I’ve been flossing really well and brushing really well in the hopes that if I do have a tooth infection, this will help it get better. I don’t have dental insurance and I certainly don’t have the money to get help for it, if that is what this is.

Anyways, I’m at work, I just had a phone conversation with my boss. I am going to attempt to do better than just half adding it today, although I mean, I’ve been gettin’er done so that’s good. I’m just not Miss Mary sunshine is all.

OK, well I hope you all have a good day. I am getting through this thing. I hope if you are sick or sad or going through something, you can get through it too.

Sometimes, getting through it the best we are able to, is enough.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Happy News

 Hi Boo Boo’s,

Once again, I am down for the count. I was asleep early and man, I felt so proud of myself. I got so much done last night. I didn’t give up. My ear is still killing me but I palpate it and I do the netty pot and just in case this is stemming from the beginnings of a tooth infection, I’m gonna pick up some anti-bacterial mouthwash today and just hit it with what I can naturally.

My darling Pumpkin has decided that she is ready to cuddle up close and personal now. I had her in my arms for half of the night and all oh

The times she was spooned into me, if I rolled over, she jumped over to the side I moved to and respooned herself.

I am having a shit show of dreams right now which doesn’t surprise me. Full moon AND the Sabbath. Samhain.

I don’t care what you believe or practice; these energies affect us all.

For me…dreams.

And let me tell ya, no one is NOT showing up; people who have passed, people who I don’t see often, people from my past, People.

Animals too, lots of them.

It is what it is.

I got happy news yesterday. Another family member is coming out in a couple weeks.

So much to look forward to.

Now if only I could feel better.

It’ll come, gotta stay consistent.

Ok, onwards.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise

Sick But Progressing

Hi Everyone,

I hope your Monday is going well. I’m at work and per the norm lately, having to try and push myself. I don’t wanna do shit. I got the leads in and made first contact. After finishing this, I’ll start in on the phone calls and texts.

My antisocial nature hates the phone calls but I am able to do them.

Honestly, after getting through that, I have relatively few things to do as I managed to get caught up on everything last week.

I did exactly what I said I’d do yesterday, which was self care first and then whatever I could manage. What I was able to manage, was a complete pick up. Clean dishes put away and dirty ones loaded. Put away all my clean clothes. Washed my sheets and got them back on my bed. Made a loose schedule for myself for the rest of the week.

Brought out the garbage. Cleaned my shower and toilet.

I did not sleep well last night. Although I got a total of 5.5 hours, I did not sleep through that. I woke up repeatedly and so much so, that my Fitbit couldn’t create any stats for me.

I’m not gonna say any more than that.

So I have one helluva list today for after work because I knew I’d never be able to get up when I had wanted to.

Fucking sleep.

But I am going to try.

I mean at the end of the day, you HAVE to keep trying. Or else what’s this all for? Where’s the worth in it?

Here’s my video from this morning:

https://youtube.com/shorts/CFNO0AAk_-0?si=I6nZiB5oZ2iyAq1E

I’m getting so close to 600. I’d be really grateful to anyone who finds value enough in this to subscribe. 

Thank you!!!!

I wish you a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Just What's In the Plan

 

Hi Everyone,

Well I do apologize for my lack of posting.

So as you know, I got a cold about a month and a half ago and it has been this bizarre fiasco of a cold. It keeps morphing and the biggest part of it until yesterday was the exhaustion. But yesterday, I woke up and it's been hell ever since. Horrible, stabbing pains in my ears, a sore throat, crushing headache.

What the actual fuck? In addition, I have this bizarre itching all over my body, like it won't stop and my eyes are so dry, they ache.

Again, what the actual fuck?

The temps finally dropped though and although I've slept most of my morning away, I did get my girl to work.

I need to get some food in this house. I don't even care what it is, just enough to get my through the week.

And I need to get back into some kind of progression forward.

Today, I am just going to clean up, order some groceries and spend a lot of time on the computer planning out the rest of my month and writing out a budget.

I was planning on quitting smoking yesterday but I had some left and I couldn't bear to throw them out. So I smoked 'em but it was less than half a pack and I felt so shitty, I was able to make them last all day.

I did buy a pack today but I've only had 2.

I added up the cigs and the starbucks and it came to $600 a month. 

Seeing it in black and white like that? It's time.

So I am just going to try and get through today only smoking two more.

I am going to move slow and be gentle on myself. The cough is so much better just from cutting back yesterday.

So if I can do what's in the plan today and going forward, that should get better and better.

I know I shouldn't do this but I put all my symptoms into one of those "get a diagnosis" sites and the first thing it came up with was mold exposure.

I'm not saying that's what this is but then I looked up trailer offices and it said they are a like a magnet for mold. 

Plus, you have the fact that my desk is covered with dead bug carcasses and all the dirt and dust that flies around the huge lot we are on.

It's not good at all.

I'm so proud of myself for sticking this out but it's time.

And finally, two things; one is that I went and took a class for my permit to carry. I am loathe to even say that or write about it because it's become so politicized and so ugly that people jump to conclusions about this topic that I can almost 100% guarantee you are not the case. It's an ugly world right now. I wish I had hope that it'll get better but I don't see that happening and I just want protection for myself and mine.

That's all.

I still have to go in and pay a fee to have them do a background check and send me my permit but then I'll be able to save up for what I want and that'll be one goal achieved.

It was a really informative class and we got to shoot and that was intimidating but I did quite well.

The other thing is that I haven't felt mom or dad now for awhile and it's had me sad. But I had dream right before waking up the first time this morning and there were a line of people against a wall and it wasn't like a police line up or anything just people in a line by a wall and the last person had this pretty yellow sweater on. I realized the second before waking up that it was mom. And right as I woke up, I called out, "Mom." She was smiling and happy and yellow, when it's in a dream in a happy context, means really good things so she came again, right when I've been at my lowest again.

She came.

So I have hope again.

I've been staying strong, in spite of myself, through the high emotions at work, through the financial struggles in my personal life, through the needs of others and the fact that I had to go off my meds and being so sick for so long. My Rhi called me yesterday and we talked for a couple hours and I, at one point, lost it. I just sobbed. I needed to.

I try so hard not to do that anymore because I spent a lifetime laying my shit on others and I try to be the one who people can come to but I guess it needed to come out. She was really good about it and supportive. Thank you, my darling girl. I needed that.

We are all going through hard times right now. I do know that and I try to be compassionate about it towards everyone. I guess I need to show myself some of that compassion.

Alright, well, like I said, I just want to clean up today and make a list for myself for the week and get back into my life as much as I can without pushing myself to hard or so hard that I fall apart.

That's never a good thing.

So there you have it.

That's what I've been dealing with. 

I plan on being back on the regular tomorrow.

Until then, have a good day!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Monday is Go

Hello.

How’s errbody doing today? 

I’m good. Got up ok. Moved slow but got out in time and am planted in front of my desk at work.

Wah.

I know, I know. We all gotta do it.

I have accepted that, now I just gotta find one that fits better. I say better, not perfect, because I know it’s not gonna ever be perfect.

But I feel my time here is done. It’s been well spent, I learned a lot about myself and I pushed myself and that’s all good. But I’m over it, the drive, the bugs in my office and the high emotions.

I’m soul tired baby.

Found one good job. I’ll apply tonight.

My drive to work was very peaceful and beautiful. While I detest the amount of time it takes me to get here and home, parts of it are beautiful. I started out my drive with affirmations and then music. And I sang and felt and saw. It was nice.

You guys, it’s gonna be fucking 90 degrees in October, in MN. What the actual fuck?

But Monday…Monday is go day. Temps will drop and hopefully stay dropped. 

I saw my former roomie yesterday. What a sweetheart. I had a package delivered there as I don’t trust our apartments packaging system. Shit gets stolen all the time.

Wankers.

But yeah, picked up the package and told my friend what it is and how excited I am. Not gonna explain here. Just something very thoughtful and useful.

Alright, I’m out.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

EARLY

Hi Everyone. 

I’m so sick. How’s that for a start? I have been fighting this cold for over a month now.

It keeps morphing. 

I can’t do this job next year. That much has become clear. I figured one thing out; you know I shower every night and my tub is always filthy after I get out. It’s not like I’m rolling around in dirt all day and when I wash my face in the evening, and I use a toner on cotton, it’s like my neck is caked in dirt. Well the property I work on, it has a massive dirt driveway. The wind blows it around and so I finally figured out why all the dirt in my tub and on me. Sucks because I clean my tub once a day now.

I think breathing all this dirt in is really affecting me. I think a lot is affecting me.

My daughter and I are going to decorate for Halloween tonight.

And my ass is going to bed EARLY!!

Life is coming at me this week. At least I’m knocking it out at work.

Love y’all!!!

Love and Light,

Neecie