Cause and Effect

 

Hi Everyone,

So I have never done this at this job but trying to blog on my phone is a nightmare of epic proportions, especially now that I got my nails done.

Whatever. I don’t have enough to get me through my day today so I can squeeze this in. I literally spent the first hour and a half talking to my boss but we talk about interesting things.

I am going to ask her for a set date on my lay off tomorrow.

Okie, so I had a great weekend. I was at my sister’s for her bday, Fri-Sun AM. My sister of the heart came out to celebrate with us.

It was so good to see her in person and get all caught up. I love the way she dresses. Class act, that one. My sister said, and I agree, that she inspires her to wear more dresses. She just always looks so nice. Feminine but not in a bougie way.

And she is just as kind as she is a good dresser, lol, just for the record. We went out to eat Saturday morning after she arrived. Then we overall just hung out, my oldest daughter came over and spent the night. We had pasta, they had some drinks and we played games. It was funny and it was fun.

It’s so hard for me to let go and let fun happen because in the back of mind is this constant shit show of all I have to do…like it ever fucking happens anyway.

Ha!

There is also sadness at myself that I can’t afford to do more on birthdays. Some of that shame lingers on. Ugh.

My sister says it’s not about that and not to feel bad but I do…it’s been a lifetime of this bullshit, but for two shining years or so, where I was actually able to get gifts, etc.

It felt really good.

But yeah, what a great weekend.

I must admit, I was so happy to see my feline love joys when I got home. I can’t stand being apart from them. Grey came hopping out and jumped right into my arms. I’m going to get cameras so I can watch them, lol. And talk to them.

So I got a ticket today. The cop pulled me over for speeding but he totally could’ve nailed me and he didn’t. He ticketed me for driving with expired tabs. Still sucks but it is what it is. He told me that because I was honest and respectful that he wasn’t gonna ticket me for the speeding.

So even in getting a ticket, there’s something to be grateful for I guess.

I’m supposed to go out to dinner tonight and I don’t want to go. It’s not that I don’t want to see my friends, it’s the list of things I need to do. It gnaws at me constantly.

And I know people love me and want to see me and are worried about me. I’m OK. I mean, I’m not OK but my not being OK is OK. No danger zone here because I refuse to be a victim to anything.

I got pulled over because I was speeding not because the cop was an asshole.

I’m suffering my ass off financially because I was irresponsible and I’m trying to pay all this back/off because bankruptcy is half of what’s wrong in this country.

It’s all cause and effect and sometimes it’s not, sometimes it’s life and shit happens.

Really good stuff has happened to me too and its so easy to forget the flowers when the shitstorm happens. Stir shit up and it smells worse; sprinkle flower petals around and it smells so fucking good.

Now if I could just shit and fart flowers…

But I digress.

I do feel like life is kindof hellish right now but heaven resides in hell too. It’s not exclusive and this too shall pass.

So I’m not going to reach out about dinner. If I am contacted, I will respond but I might respond with, “I don’t have it in me tonight.” I know some would argue see your friends but sometimes you have to weigh one with the other and maybe my piece of mind at getting things done around the apartment outweighs the peace of mind of being with my friends right now.

It doesn’t mean I don’t love them, and clearly I’m not completely isolating because I spent the entire weekend at my sister’s.

I’ll be with her all this weekend too.

Then a weekend off and then my Auntie comes. All good things.

So. No. Not isolating. Just trying to get’er done.

Ok. There you have it.

That’s it for the day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie