And That is Enough

Good Morning!!

Oh you guys, the struggle is real.

It also is what it is.

Life is all the things, isn’t it? 

Hard, easy, beautiful, ugly, scary, carefree, kind, mean.

You get the gist.

Last night was very hard on me. I will not be going into detail. I went to bed early just to shut it all out.

Sleep was evasive; in and out.

The mornings are dark again and I struggle with that. It makes things harder to shake off or smile my way through.

I don’t mind it getting dark earlier in the evening but yeah…I prefer my morning wakeups with sunshine.

I am refusing to give in to my inner darkness. After last night  I am coming to realize that some parts of me, while much qwelled, will always be there. Human beings are creatures capable of change but I think each, and every one of us comes with traits that are inherent and can be worked on, but that will always show up in moments of high stress or fear or anxiety, etc.

Alcoholics Anonymous refers to them as character defects. I am very good at seeing the defects and others and everyone has them like I said, but last night was a big old lesson in anger for me.

The thing that has changed is I no longer react to it. My reactions are very, very different. But I got so angry and the thoughts that were racing through my brain were not good so I just went to bed.

These intense kinds of emotions are what I have struggled with my whole life. And it really doesn’t matter if they are what we would deem good or bad emotions. Cause good or bad, I am prone to intensity.

Last night was about anger, and that intensity blew me away. At least I am in a place now, where I see it, I know what’s happening, and I don’t react. But the intensity of the feeling itself, regardless of whether I act or not, is kind of like a hangover of sorts. It just drains you.

It doesn’t matter what the situation was, that’s why I’m not writing about it. It was not something that was done to me, it was something that was done to someone I love.

And all the it was just right there waiting for me to pick it up. I chose not to. I have no control over other people and what they do. But it would seem that I have come to a place where I have some control over myself.

And at the end of the day, that is a good thing. Many of you know or may have experienced Denise in her feelings.

As we all know, it is OK to have feelings, but it is not good to react from a place of feeling. It is good to step back, take some deep breaths, remove yourself and reflect.

So I wish I had a post about Happy, Happy Lovejoy.

Not today.

All is well and all manner of things will be well.

I love and I am loved and that is enough for me.

Have a great day.

Be blessed.

Love and light,

Neecie