Well I do apologize for my lack of posting.
So as you know, I got a cold about a month and a half ago and it has been this bizarre fiasco of a cold. It keeps morphing and the biggest part of it until yesterday was the exhaustion. But yesterday, I woke up and it's been hell ever since. Horrible, stabbing pains in my ears, a sore throat, crushing headache.
What the actual fuck? In addition, I have this bizarre itching all over my body, like it won't stop and my eyes are so dry, they ache.
Again, what the actual fuck?
The temps finally dropped though and although I've slept most of my morning away, I did get my girl to work.
I need to get some food in this house. I don't even care what it is, just enough to get my through the week.
And I need to get back into some kind of progression forward.
Today, I am just going to clean up, order some groceries and spend a lot of time on the computer planning out the rest of my month and writing out a budget.
I was planning on quitting smoking yesterday but I had some left and I couldn't bear to throw them out. So I smoked 'em but it was less than half a pack and I felt so shitty, I was able to make them last all day.
I did buy a pack today but I've only had 2.
I added up the cigs and the starbucks and it came to $600 a month.
Seeing it in black and white like that? It's time.
So I am just going to try and get through today only smoking two more.
I am going to move slow and be gentle on myself. The cough is so much better just from cutting back yesterday.
So if I can do what's in the plan today and going forward, that should get better and better.
I know I shouldn't do this but I put all my symptoms into one of those "get a diagnosis" sites and the first thing it came up with was mold exposure.
I'm not saying that's what this is but then I looked up trailer offices and it said they are a like a magnet for mold.
Plus, you have the fact that my desk is covered with dead bug carcasses and all the dirt and dust that flies around the huge lot we are on.
It's not good at all.
I'm so proud of myself for sticking this out but it's time.
And finally, two things; one is that I went and took a class for my permit to carry. I am loathe to even say that or write about it because it's become so politicized and so ugly that people jump to conclusions about this topic that I can almost 100% guarantee you are not the case. It's an ugly world right now. I wish I had hope that it'll get better but I don't see that happening and I just want protection for myself and mine.
That's all.
I still have to go in and pay a fee to have them do a background check and send me my permit but then I'll be able to save up for what I want and that'll be one goal achieved.
It was a really informative class and we got to shoot and that was intimidating but I did quite well.
The other thing is that I haven't felt mom or dad now for awhile and it's had me sad. But I had dream right before waking up the first time this morning and there were a line of people against a wall and it wasn't like a police line up or anything just people in a line by a wall and the last person had this pretty yellow sweater on. I realized the second before waking up that it was mom. And right as I woke up, I called out, "Mom." She was smiling and happy and yellow, when it's in a dream in a happy context, means really good things so she came again, right when I've been at my lowest again.
She came.
So I have hope again.
I've been staying strong, in spite of myself, through the high emotions at work, through the financial struggles in my personal life, through the needs of others and the fact that I had to go off my meds and being so sick for so long. My Rhi called me yesterday and we talked for a couple hours and I, at one point, lost it. I just sobbed. I needed to.
I try so hard not to do that anymore because I spent a lifetime laying my shit on others and I try to be the one who people can come to but I guess it needed to come out. She was really good about it and supportive. Thank you, my darling girl. I needed that.
We are all going through hard times right now. I do know that and I try to be compassionate about it towards everyone. I guess I need to show myself some of that compassion.
Alright, well, like I said, I just want to clean up today and make a list for myself for the week and get back into my life as much as I can without pushing myself to hard or so hard that I fall apart.
That's never a good thing.
So there you have it.
That's what I've been dealing with.
I plan on being back on the regular tomorrow.
Until then, have a good day!!
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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