Retail Therapy

Good Morning!

It's a draggy morning. And I feel tired and a bit crabby but I have every intent on getting my list done. 

I met a former coworker for coffee yesterday and we had such a great time talking and getting to know each other.

I wish I could take every new parent and let them know how important it is to do your best to raise children with as little trauma as possible. We both cried. 

It was humbling for me because I wish to have grace from people and she deserves that too. 

So we decided that we'll do this every couple weeks. 

Then I sortof deflated when I got home. I never know why this happens. I took a nice, long nap. 

I felt so crabby, I decided that some retail therapy was in order. I had $148 in points at Ulta plus a giftcard from my sister. I didn't have to drop any of my own money.

It was a gift to be able to do that and I also picked up our ceramic items from last week. 

Suffice to say, when I got home, I felt much better.

Some days you just get through. It wasn't too much to get through, it wasn't a struggle or a bad day, I was just very low energy.

I turned it around when I got back and actually got quite a bit done before picking up my daughter from work.

Today feels better. My roommate gets done with work and it sometimes home by noon, so I'm just going to start cleaning. We'll go from there.

Sorry so boring! Yesterday was boring.

Be Blessed. I wish you a good day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

 

Not to Little & Not to Much

Good Evening!

Well, it's 7:33 and I don't usually blog at night but I really am trying to get everything on my list done. I did not go to the rollerskating lesson. The nice thing is that you only pay if you go. I was too tired. I think all my lazy bougieness last week made me tired today when I tried to go full throttle. But I've finished everything else.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a former coworker for coffee and I want a good portion of what I have on my list done before setting out at 8:30. I mean not everything obviously but I have cleaning the bathroom on the list and also washing my sheets. There are fresh ones on the bed but I hate having dirty laundry sitting around. So I'll do sheets and towels tomorrow AM. I am doing two of the work outs on the Planet Fitness app and then I think it's going to be chillier tomorrow so I'll go to the gym and do the treadmill there.

Today was beautiful. It was like early spring. And shut the front door, man, it was sunny out. It got cloudy later in the afternoon and it made me feel sad so I took a nap but I was good, only a 45 minute one. My daughter came in to wake me up, otherwise when the alarm went off, I would've shut that biatch off and gone back to sleep. But yeah, she came in and was chatty so I was able to rouse myself. I got my vaccumming done and my sheets changed. I will be bringing up my laundry after I'm done blogging. Then shower and pay some bills, all of which can be done from the comfort of my bed. Once I get in bed, I ain't getting out.

I have to watch my eating. I get it in my head that I shouldn't eat at all or that I'm eating to much and really, if you knew what I ate today, it was perfect. Not to little and not to much. Let it go, Denise. I am just growing impatient with wanting to hit that 50lb mark but it's gonna be a couple weeks. Patience 
Y'Ago.

I did also take breaks today to read.

I have to do something about my damn smoking so today I challenged myself not to smoke more than 15 cigs and not to smoke in the car. I have two left to smoke and I did not smoke in said car. 

We'll see where this leads.

Alright well, just wanted to check in. I will be back.

Be Blessed & Sweet Dreams.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Beeg Love

 

Hello Dahhhhhlings,

I'm so pooped. I didn't go rollerskating today but I am going to go tomorrow for the lessons. Today isn't a bougie day but my list is not long and it does include some relax time. I was up late last night and I am never up late anymore.

I had so much fun. We had the birthday celebration for my bro inlaw and myself out at my sistah's place. Well, it's my bro inlaw's place too. 

That girl can cook, let me tell you. She made this chilli that was...it defies description, that's how good it was. 

And my daughter, she does the best charcuterie, it's fancy, lol.

So we had a game night and my stomach hurts from laughing, we had a LOT of fun. I have a good family.

It's not about the gifts but I got nice gifts. And thoughtful ones. 

Earlier in the day, I met with my friend Jenn for lunch. I have not seen her in forever. I just love her. She's a good person. Back in the day, she had my ass covered and my kids and I will be forever grateful to her. I'm busy building this little "inner circle" of friends up. I get to pick. And hopefully, the people I love and respect so much will pick me.

I am blessed.

I'm booking my trip to Jersey today. I'm going towards the end of February. I can't wait. In addition to seeing everyone, I am going to be meeting a friend of mine that I've never met face to face. He lives in the city my mom lived in for years. We are going to this pizza place that my sister and I have loved since we were teenagers and would visit.

Yay!!!

One of the things I'm doing today is planning my week and I'm micromanaging it big time. I need to get back on track with the gym, the meal planning, all of it.

I want to hit the 50lb weight loss milestone before leaving for Jersey! 

So ya see, I got me some goals. 

And once I get back, I'm signing up for knitting classes again. I can't wait.

Lots to look forwards to. We all need that so we when we hit the skids emotionally, as we all do sometimes even if it's just from exhaustion, we can look a bit into the foreseeable future and know that good things are just around the corner. 

Always, always, always have good things planned, even little tiny ones. 

It's good for the soul man.

And so on that note, this grateful girl is going to continue through her day.

Beeg love, mucho love to you all.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Smelling Like the Goddess I Am

 Good Morning!

I just sneezed like 10 times in a row. I'm having a full on histamine response so it feels like I have the worst cold in history. But I don't have a cold and this will clear up shortly. I'm not sure why so much sneezing but it's going on for months.

I'm also worried that I may have a hernia. Everytime I cough, I get this tearing, burning pain right around my belly button. Hernia's are common for those of us who have had gastric bypass, even years later. I'm ignoring it until I get a job and insurance. It only hurts when I cough.

Oh you guys, I got the sweetest phone message this morning from some special beings telling me I am in their heart and happy birthday.

Not gonna lie, don't have to, you already know, I cried. But they were happy tears, appreciative tears. 

I went last night and got my nails done. They look awesome. I wanted something winterish, so they are white with silver ombre. They sparkle.

Maybe I'm a vampire. LOL.

Nah.

I am having lunch with my friend Heather today. Her birthday is Friday and of course, mine is tomorrow so we are going to celebrate us! Yum for food. I'm getting me a burger and fries. Why not? Tomorrow morning I have a massage and facial scheduled. Then my youngest and I are going to meet my other daughter for ceramic painting and dinner. Saturday, we have our family celebration for myself and my brother inlaw, whose birthday is today. I still need text him.

And now we are at the end of my day. And it was a good one. Lunch with Heather was great. We always have really interesting conversations and you know the rules: Laughter!!

I came home and found that my east coast sister had sent me a box of crumble cookies and my daughter gave me one of my presents early. It was a Lush gift set. Happy Hippy, which is made up mostly of lemon and lime essential oils. I smell like a Goddess!!

No tears today other than happy, grateful tears.

Family is everything and I have one that is made up of blood and also of friends. There are people in my "blood" fam that I do not even speak to. I have blood fam that I am bound to with love and so much appreciation. But the friends I have, they more than make up for the ones who I am not bound to. Those relationships go so much deeper than they ever did with certain blood related individuals. 

And those ties...they have saved me. 

I am so grateful. 

Words cannot express what I'm feeling right now. There is a peace inside me where there never was any before.

Grateful.

Be Blessed my friends.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Surface Level

 Hello Luvs,

Welllll, I didn't want to do anything mundane this week, lol. I wanted pure bougie. I mean, it's my birthday week. But alas, my room looks like a tornado whipped through it and I had to go get cat food, toothpaste and batteries.

I'm dying. Our roommate thinks we are so bougie with our cats and we are. Do you know what a squishmellow is? They are a stuffed animal that is incredibly soft and squishy. My daughter collects them. Oftentimes, when the cats do their "biscuit making", it's on the squishmellows.

Well, my daughter found squishmellow cat beds online and she got one. It came this morning and of course, the girls are more interested in the box it came in. But they'll figure it out.

When we get our apartment, I plan on making each room a cat haven. I'm going to get shelving to screw in to the wall, so they will have "stairs" the can climb up on and sit and relax. I'm going to get hammocks and two towers for them. There is a bed I've been looking at that is very plush and sortof caves in on kitty when they lay in it. Mocha will lose her mind for that one.

I have no grandbabies yet, so hey, I'm going to spoil the shite out of my feline soulmates.

Once my laundry is done, I am going to finish picking up my room, then when my daughter goes to work, I'm going to go to the gym and then on to a skating lesson...I think. I'm still on the fence about that. I do intend to do it at some point, I just kindof want to make sure I get some other things in today.

We'll see. I'll report next time I blog. My emotions are still surface level with this whole going off the meds thing. I have about 3 days worth of the lower dose and I've only been taking them 3 days out of the week so I'll be completely done by the end of the week.

But in regards to said emotions, I'm able to talk to myself now and just say, "not sure what this is all about girlfriend but if you wanna cry, you can cry, but let's put a limit on that. I want to honor my feelings but from now on, I don't want them ruling me. I've learned so much about presence and not giving to much power to these things but to experience them and let them out, ya know? I don't always need to know what's driving it, I just need to know how to honor it and hone it.

I got a 1000 piece fairy puzzle I am going to start on today too. Chill stuff.

On that note, I'm going to have my day and I fully intend that no matter what I do, it'll be a good one. I hope yours is too.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecir

Neecie needs chill stuff.

52 Weeks of Blogging: What I Love About Myself

 

Hi Everybody,

So I will blog about the topic but just a quick check-in first. I am slowly coming out of my tired funk. I continue to have "feelings" as I decrease my meds. I am so aware of them now. That's therapy. The change when you start meds is so subtle that you really don't notice the changes at all but I now see how those meds really did work to take the edge off of the intensity of my feelings. It dumbed me down feeling wise. And I'm just so aware of it now that I'm having these feelings again.

I am so grateful for therapy right now because I have tools I didn't have previously. I was really sad last night after a conversation I had with someone I love. So sad. I know it's really hard to reach out sometimes but I did call someone I know without question, loves me. And she helped me regulate. Of course it's OK to be sad. But I was angry too and that's what I needed to let go of because in so many situations in life, we cannot "fix" things for others, and while acceptance can be a bitter pill to swallow, it's necessary. It doesn't mean you have to like it. 

There is something to say for faith too. Sometimes hope and faith is all we have. Also, you know, prayer for people and the sending of good energy or protective energy or what have you, it may not feel like enough but at the very least, it's something we can do.

I'm not too overwhelmed but oddly, I seem to want to convince myself that I am overwhelmed. I'm good. I'm still on the journey and these days I'm much more present and aware.

Ok, so this week's blog topic. What I love about myself. It's sad that my first thought is that I wanted to put in a disclaimer about how this isn't about bragging. Somewhere along the line, I was conditioned to feel like tooting my own horn equaled being a braggart. 

So I say these things with humility and gratitude. I hate arrogance though I do sometimes still go there. Coming from 50+ years of shame, self loathing and low self-esteem, it's nothing short of a miracle that I can tell you what I love about me and be excited about it and be able to celebrate it with you and I would challenge you to love you and to really look deep and to be happy with what you find.

I love that I am deeply empathetic. I care. I love that I want to be there for my people. I am very generous with my time and concern when it's needed. I am loyal. I don't just hand out loyalty though. It happens over time as trust is built. That was something that took me a long minute to learn and to instill in my life. I have boundaries! And that's good! I love that I am starting to really care about and for myself. I'm talking about on a spiritual and physical level. I am exercising. I am eating better. I pay attention to what goes into my body. I take those bougie baths and I take care of my skin. I am exploring things one at a time, that I always wanted to try. I'm rollerskating again, I'm going to start knitting classes and this summer, I'm going full on ham with the yoga. I'm going to find a studio where they teach you from the ground up so to speak so I will know the names of the poses and what specific kind of yoga it is. 

I can't do everything all at once so I'm learning patience and learning to love each moment for what it is. I'm no longer thinking, "everything will be perfect when this or that happens," like everything is perfect right now in this moment.

I've learned that wishing for things to magically change and/or happen is such a waste. You will never know long lasting, true happiness if you are constantly wanting more. It's ok to have dreams and goals but my God, enjoy the process of getting there, stay open to all possibilities.

I love that I am learning not to give a shit about people who are cruel or disloyal or mean or selfish. These days, people's opinion of me doesn't matter to me at all. The people in my life now, I know their opinion and I hold them in high esteem too. People can share their opinions with me now and I can let them have them, even if I don't agree. 

I love how much I love my cats and all the love and pampering I do with them. I made mistakes in the past and the three that I have now, well, Grey is 14 and I've had her since she was 6 months. Mocha is around 8 or so and I've had her since she was 1 year old and little Pumpkin was literally born into my hand, I removed her amniotic sac and had to pet her vigorously to get her breathing. We brought her home after 8 weeks. She is my daughter's cat and she'll be with her all her life. I literally love this little girl as much as I'd love a grandchild. So once my kiddo is out on her own, if anything happens with Pumpkin, I will always be there to help financially so that Pumpkin's needs are always met.

I love that it turns out I am responsible. But I also actually love my impulsivity and spontaneity. To the extent that makes me quirky and funny and young. I used to call it immaturity, now...I'm young at heart, I love funny things and I love my loud, hearty laugh. I love how I love with all my heart and I'm unapologetic about it.

If I wanted to take more time, I could come up with so many more things. And you know what? I love that too.

So there you have it.

My birthday week has started out good. I went rollerskating and I'm just basically chillin'. I'm about to go over to my friend's place for some hanging out and for some dinner.

Tomorrow, I'm getting a pedicure and getting my nails filled. Tuesday, I'm getting a facial. Something bougie each day because I deserve it, lol.

Love you guys!

Be Blessed.

Love and Light,

Neecie

52 Weeks of Blogging: What Do I Hate About Myself

 Hi All,

I have a bunch of stuff I have to do. I'm so grateful to myself, lol, for getting all the cleaning done last week. 

Because I deflated this week. I don't know if I'm right, but let me tell you, I think this may be it: I think I might've gotten Covid at some point and am now am experiencing long Covid symptoms. I have no other reasonable explanation for the exhaustion. 

There is so much going on with me and yet, paradoxically, there is little going on with me.

I'm too tired to write about all that. I'm OK so please, no worries sent my way. I'm going to try my hardest to be ready to start up my videos again by sometime next week and I'm hoping to talk about some of this then.

But for now, a friend of mine asked me if I'd like to participate in 52 weeks of blogging and I agreed to give it a shot. 

So once a week, I'll do a topic. Today's topic is "Something I Hate About Myself". That's a fully loaded one, right? Especially for someone who has struggled with self-loathing and self-sabotage her whole life. 

Hate is such a strong word. I have little regard for it and it has no purpose in my life. It ruined my life in so many ways so let's just say that I really don't hate anything about myself. That said, there is still plenty that I am working towards overcoming.

I don't hate my mental health shit but I wouldn't be sad if it went away. 

I can take all of it except the lethargy and procrastination piece. Follow thru has almost always been a struggle for me. I give up so easily. I don't know, maybe I'm allergic to hard work. So I'm working on pushing through that.

And then, you know, the tummy stuff; the IBS. It's better. My god, this past two weeks have been a miracle and I ask myself, "what changed" and it was exercise, drinking lots of water, stress management and diet. Oh! Not about me but I hate the word diet. I don't go on diets anymore. I just try to eat healthier. And my IBS has chilled. Yeah, I hate the IBS, I hate when I have attacks, I hate the pain, I hate how dirty it makes me feel no matter how much I shower. It's the kind of thing you learn to live with, right? But now that, for the better part of a year, it's been so much better, I can deal with it when I do have relapses into the pain and the diarrhea and the bloating. I also now know how to put an immediate stop to the gas attacks; activated charcoal does the trick every time.

So hatred, and like I said it's not even hatred really, but strong dislike, for lethargy and shit. Ha!

So, I'll let you know how things are going and if I post a video.

I hope you all have a beautiful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Flex

 Hi Everyone,

It's 10:38AM and I hit my step goal an hour ago. I started low on purpose though. It's going to be even harder to make my steps once I'm working again because I do desk work. What Ev's. For now, I have been going well over my goal for the last week or so.

I celebrate that. The old me would've been like, "it's not good enough."

Now I know it is because my body doesn't hurt (beyond muscle aches from lifting and my usual struggles with my back) and I know that I can do more to get more as I progess.

Progress should be the definition of perfection because perfection doesn't exist. 

Two days ago, I wrote about feeling content. I haven't had that huge feeling since and I've had to push myself to get shit done but I have felt good. Happy. Accomplished.

Blogging was on my list for later today but I've been cleaning and so my back is stiffening up a bit so I sat down to blog and I have my chair massage thingee on. It goes for about 15 minutes and then shuts off automatically. My cleaning goals for today are the bathroom, the kitchen and my office. The first two are done. My office doesn't need to be "cleaned" so much as picked up and organized. I'll do it after my chair thingee shuts off. 

Then no more cleaning until the week after next. 

I know it may seem a simple thing; switching gears to give my body the rest it needs but flexibility is new to me and I find it actually works. I still make lists but I am able to make those lists and switch up if need be or if something else comes up. 

And I don't freak out about it. The black and white thinking is slowly fading out and losing it's hold on me.

I've done 9 loads of laundry in the last two days. All my daughter's stuff. She tends to wash clothes and keep them in the hamper and they get to smelling like they were never washed. So I folded everything too and it's all on her bed. I'm not letting her go to sleep tonight without putting it all away.

I'm not bitching, sometimes people need help and so I'll do it every now and then.

I forgot to talk about my IBS. So I know my IBS will never truly be cured but since drinking more water everyday. exercising on the reg, doing yoga and just making better choices in general, it has changed so much. I go about 4 times a day still but they are rock hard, clean and no cramping, etc.

Still, I know if I eat something weird or too much, I can expect more of the old stuff the next day or even a total attack but it's just better and I think that has had an effect on my happiness as well.

I used my happy light for the second day in a row. Because of the whole placebo thing, I'm going to do it everyday for a month before reporting my experience.

I have plans tomorrow. I'm excited. I'm going to see one friend I haven't seen in probably 20 years and one who I don't usually hang out with that much. It'll be good! We're going ice skating and we were gonna go outside but I think we'll go to one of the indoor rinks because it's gonna be too cold. I mean, the cold doesn't bother me but it usually bothers others. I'll go outside when the temps are gonna be higher.

So then we're gonna go out to eat after.

Okie, well so far so good. I may skip tomorrow and blog after I get back from rollerskating. I'll let you then about my day tomorrow.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Content: What a Great Word

 Hi Guys,

It's a happy reporting day, lol. Today has yet to be written. I got up way late because I had difficulty sleeping.  But we shall see, we shall see.

So I went over my step goal by 3K+ yesterday. I kept things moving until I ate my dinner and then yup, I felt the crash happening so I did lay down but I only took a 38 minute nap. And then I got up and did some of the things on my list, showered, did yoga then went to pick my daughter up.

And the thing is, I felt good yesterday. Not because I got so much done, but I just felt good. I allowed myself to have that and when I went to pick my kiddo up, I played good music and I just enjoyed it and I felt...I felt happy, I felt content.

Again, just noticing that feeling and letting it be and enjoying it, I felt very grateful. I'm smiling now writing about it.

So I have another list for today and I think I like not writing it all out here, I think what I will do, is transfer the list tomorrow to this blog and then write whatever but I will let you know how my day goes and if I managed to accomplish anything, lol.

Getting up late used to stress me out and it was all or nothing. I'd give up for the day but I have a lot of hours to get much done so I'm going on that perspective.

I hope you all have a happy hump day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I've Been Like A Slug in a Rug in a Hole That I Dug

 

Good Morning,

I'm going to start this blog now and end it tonight. I have had a very hard time getting anything done lately.

And I want to add a bit of accountability into this entry. I'm not going to write out my list for the day, but tonight I'm going to come back and let you know I finished it.

I haven't been a complete slug, things are getting done but man...it's been a bit of a struggle.

So health, huh?

I'm just going to attack one thing at a time rather than have a blog that's all over the place as some of them tend to be.

Therapy: I did mention in a previous blog, that I am now without insurance. I quit knowing I'd lose my insurance so no self-pity on that one. Not gonna lie though, it scares me. However, it doesn't panic me. I have a come a long way, it's just, you know when you're in therapy, it can become a bit of a crutch even though you're working hard and learning lots. It is a safety net of sorts. So for now, no therapy. I am going to keep using my work book and doing the homework that goes with it. At least I'll know I'm still learning.

Medication: So I'm gonna cover it all in this one. I've been on Lexipro for some time now. 15mg/daily. It's a very small dose. I do believe it has helped me, it's enough to have taken off the edge of things like anxiety and total depression, like, it works. However, no insurance. I did one smart thing though. Ha! I asked to up my dosage knowing I wouldn't be able to afford my meds much longer. So I have a lot. I am slowing weaning myself off it so that it's not a sudden withdrawal. Everything I do now, is done with mindfulness, intent and awareness. I have decreased to 10mg every other day. Next week, I'll go down to 5 and stay there until I have about two weeks worth and then I'll go to every three days, then 4 and then I'll be done. Yes, I hope to have a job and insurance by the time I'm finished and may consider starting this therapy over again but we'll see. My intention was never to be on meds forever, but rather to give myself the time to work through all my "stuff." I did decide to order a "happy lamp". One of those lights that help with depression. I'll sit in front of it when I meditate and we shall see if I notice a difference. 

Sleep: I could write an entire blog on this one. Yeah, for the most part, I am getting sleep everynight. However, I'm getting too much as opposed to not enough and I become so tired, that I usually take a nap. Some days, I end up getting like 12-14 hours of sleep. So, what do I take for sleep? Well, I take edibles, I've been very forthcoming about that. They are the only thing that has helped me. Now I do have a prescription for hydroxyzine which is really nothing more than a prescription strength benedryl. I take this only on those nights that the edibles don't cut it. I will only ever take the same amount of edibles, I won't increase. I don't being stoned. That's not my jam at all and sometimes when I'm unable to fall asleep with the edibles, I do end up feeling the high and having to ride it out. It's doable, it's just not what I prefer.

The problem is that after long term use, I feel like the edibles have "dumbed me down." I'm way more sluggish now, even more than when I wasn't taking the edibles and not getting enough sleep. So let's talk about that next.

Laziness: I don't want to say this is all laziness. Honestly, I do think there is depression brewing and I think I know where it's stemming from; lonliness and boredom. I need to get a job. But whereas I used to isolate as the norm, I don't want that anymore. And I know people are busy and that I can't be with people all the time. I get that. I'm OK with that. I still need my downtime, my time with just me but yeah...it's hard to motivate yourself when you don't want to be alone because there are things I can do but so often, I end up doing them alone. I do believe the edibles are contributing to my sluggishness and I'd just like to see if not taking them could possibly work somehow.

So. I have made some decisions. No more hydroxyzine, as it does not work on it's own. For the next week, I am going to go every other night with the edibles. You can't just quit anything, except maybe cigarettes, and I need to be careful and totally on top of how I'm feeling and what's going through my head. I have to. I can't fuck around with this stuff anymore. My goal is to increase the other things that help with sleep as I decrease the edibles. One of the things that helps is daily exercise. I put my step goal for this week at only 5K per day and will work my way back up. It's all gotta be doable and believe me, when I'm in slug mode, 5K is hard for me to achieve. I do not do crazy workouts, I never will but enough to work up a sweat and put in enough effort to not only lose weight but to build strength and flexibility.

Ok, so I ate some breakfast and that was it. Exhausted. I took a nap. But this doesn't have to be the end of my day. It's a bit after 3. I have 6 hours until I go to bed. So we'll see what I can get done. I do think the food made me feel full so that has something to do with it but honestly, here again...boredom.

So it's the next day, lol. Yesterday ended up being stupid. Or I did anyways. I guess a day is just a day. 

I did get up later than I wanted to this morning. Only by an hour though. I already have made my step count (it's noon). I went to the gym, I changed the kitty litter and I vacummed all the areas of the house that I usually vacuum. I picked up my room too. Oh, and I ordered groceries, which have arrived and are put away.

I will check in with another blog tomorrow just to let you know how the rest of the day goes. I do have a list.

Ok, so on with health; 

Weight Loss: Yeah, I'm killin' it. Not to long ago, I hit 176.5lbs, which marks the halfway point for me. I haven't lost 176.5, that's my actual weight. I'm under that now but we'll talk about that when I hit my next milestone, which is to get under 170. What am I doing? So, let's not go to in depth. I'll explain it in my next health update video. I hope to start shooting again within the next week or so. Long story short, I'm doing a thing called metabolic confusion, intermittent fasting and then I exercise. Like I said, we'll go into more depth in the video.

Yoga: I have not been doing it but I am going to start again tonight. Use it or lose it, right? It feels so good to do it, that I'm not sure why I would not do it. 

Like I said, I've been struggling with tiredness and laziness. 

But I'm going to have to push through. These changes I'm making all add up to equal better health in all respects. But they do me good if I only think about doing them.

I also you know, had decided to make a list of the many things I want to be doing for myself. Y'all know I've been rollerskating. I love it so much. I love it so much that I signed up lessons. You don't pay unless you go. It's $20 a pop plus the cost of entry, which is not a lot. I'll go once and see if it seems like something I want to do for a month or so. Once I'm able to turn and go backwards and all that again, I'll stop with the lessons. I just feel like I want to be there with someone encouraging me. Cuz I'm a chicken, lol. So every 6 months, I'm going to take on something new and see how it goes. If I love it, it'll just become something I do every week and if I give it a try and it's not me, hey, I tried. So I'm going to keep rollerskating and this month or next, I'm starting up with the knitting again. Classes for 6 months, ya know? And I know I'll love it so that one will probably stay in place too.

This summer, in July or so, I am going to start taking yoga classes. I want to learn the names of the poses I'm doing and I want to learn new poses, etc. If I do yoga on my own until then, and I push myself, plus working out at the gym, I'm thinking I will be able to do the basics in a class. I know what I want to do after that but I'll talk about it when we get there.

And I was thinking yesterday about what I wrote above, about the lonliness. Sometimes I'm just gonna be lonely ya know? However, how I fill that time is really important because left to my own devices, I'll watch serial killer shows and sleep too much, etc. I think that how I use my downtime is super important. So. I ordered a puzzle of fairies and I'll work on it when I have nothing else to do. I'm also currently reading a series of books by an author I have come to absolutely adore. I'll figure out other stuff as I go but for now, reading an actual book and spending time on puzzles will keep my mind focused and help it from wandering into dangerous areas.

And I'll continue to let people know what I'm doing each Sunday and invite those interested to come with me.

So the last thing, other than meditation, which I do everyday and really is self-explanatory. is drinking more water. My creatinin levels (I probably spelled that shit wrong) have been consistently high. It's totally due to my not drinking water. I don't know why but sucking down water just hasn't appealed. I was drinking way to much coffee and I now drink only one cup a day. I have tumblers that hold 24 oz of liquid and so I try to get in 3 of these a day. I drink 24 oz between six and 10AM and then another between 10AM and 2PM and the last 24 oz, I drink between 2PM and 4PM and the reason for this is that I pee and pee and pee and it wakes me up at night. So I will take little sips up to bedtime but not to much. I always bring water to bed so that if I wake up and am parched, I've got it right there and by doing so, I'm not as apt to get up and nibble on sweets, which is an issue for me, lol.

There you have it loves. 

I'll keep you posted on how all is going. I feel good today. I already feel accomplished but I want to keep going and not veg out.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Zee Finances of Dighty

 

Good Morning!

I have been struggling with this insane tiredness lately and I'm sad to say it's made me a bit of a slug. So I got up today, forced myself to get up, at about 6:30 or so and I haven't really gotten much more than meditating and picking up the kitchen done. 

So I made a list, a doable list. 

And for the most part, I am trying to do it in the order I wrote the list. Some things get done before others but so be it.

Oh Lord, I'm having a bloating attack.

But I said I would talk about finances next so we'll deal with all the health stuff next time I blog.

And after this, the next blog will catch us up on all the health stuff.

So y'all know I quit my job. I did get some $$ from Momma. I moved half of it over to savings because that one I'll have to pay taxes on. I have a good amount left and am really trying to just spend what I have to. There will be more, at the end of the month and that I won't have to claim taxes on. But it's not here yet and I really am not 100% sure how much I'll get. I am hoping that by the time I receive it, I will have a job and be able to use that $$ to move, get my own place.

My relationship with money has gotten healthier. I question everything I consider purchasing. And there have been some little treats to myself but nothing crazy, no makeup, no $100 dollar wrinkle creams, lol.

My student loans, all but one, got removed and so I no longer owe that. I do have a little one that didn't qualify for the payoff so I'll be paying that. My credit cards are all at zero.

Lets talk about the credit cards. So what I've learned in the process of trying to raise my score is the biggest piece is having a ton a credit available but not using it. 

Because I'm still working on my credit, I usually only qualify for credit cards with low minimums. I think the highest limit I have on a card is $700.00. So I have a shit ton of credit cards with these small limits. I only apply for ones that have no annual fee. 

When I use a card, I only use it if I know I have the $$ to pay it in full as soon as the charge posts.

I learned that from my sissy. Don't use credit unless you can already cover what you buy.

One of the other things considered is how long you've had your credit accounts open and of course, that's where I fall short because I only started this a year ago. But at least the on time payments part of my credit is excellent.

I do have one loan that I'm paying on. The one I took out for my daughter's wedding. I don't regret taking out that loan and all payments are current, I haven't had one late payment on that. 

Once I get a job and am settled in to a new place and know what my budget will be, I will be paying more on that loan. Shit, if I can get it paid off by December 31st of 2024, than that's a good thing.

And...not now, but once that loan is paid off, I'm getting a new car. I have had to have used cars, or had to pick cars I really didn't like, because of my financial situation and I think I would like to have something brand new, something bigger and roomier, that could fit a dog comfortably in the back. The dog will be purchased when the vehicle is purchased.

Those are my long term plans anyways; for now.

Short term plans are to get a job and get my own place. 

I am going to New Jersey and if you want to know how I'm financing that one, well I find it hilarious actually. 

Y'all remember I went and painted a Piggy Bank at one of those ceramic places? I put the spell in it that says, "Little Piggy, Round and Green, Grow My Wealth to Fat fro Lean."

LOL.

Well, that piggy is almost full. It's about three times the capacity for change that my prior change jar was and that one always ended up being around $160 when full. Piggy is almost full so I've priced airfare and car rental and if Piggy yields what I'm assuming she will, I'll be going to the east coast beginning of February. The only thing I'll have to pay for, out of my own money (other than the pig), is for gas to get around and of course, meals but I don't eat a lot anymore so....

What about Willow's Whimsy? Christmas sucked. I am not a business woman but I'm learning. I am going to use this next week to make products for Valentine's Day so that I can advertise them early enough.

Nope, I am not giving up.

And for the next year, anything I earn from WW, will go right back in to it, all of it, because my longterm goal has not changed and that goal is to open a brick and mortar store. That's not even in the planning stages because I'm not even close.

So that's about it. 

Can you believe it? No drama about money.

That's new.

And I like that.

So on that note, my dear ones, thank you for stopping by!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Throw Down

 

Good Evening,

Happy New Year's Eve! Another year bites the dust. I'm not in a go back over the entire year kind of mood but I will still cover everything that's gone on since last I blogged.

I'm thinking I will talk about my job today. Or should I say my former job? Yes, I did quit. I was exhausted and it became evident that certain patterns were starting to emerge and I used that as a chance to practice what I've been learning in therapy but there came a point when I realized that sometimes you just have to throw in the gauntlet. 

So that's what I did, I threw down.

I have no bad feelings about it whatsoever, other than the loss of medical insurance. It's not an ego thing, I'm not standing from the roof top justifying my actions or putting the people at my job down to excuse my decision.

It is what it is and while I will tell you the kinds of things going on,  it's just the details as I experienced them. There is no blame though and I in no way think I'm better than anyone. I wanted to stick around, make my way through it until I found another job but...well let's just jump in.

I know that everyone knew I started out working remote. In all honesty, there was never a promise that I would be working remote forever. I got the job when the pandemic was just starting to wind down a bit. I was living with mom at that time, caring for her and a remote job was a dream come true for me. I remember being so grateful.

Anyways, long story short, last summer we began a cycle of constant change. First, we were to work remote 2 days a week, then it became 3 days a week and ended at 4.

My team was not happy but either was anyone else affected by this in the beginning. I'm not gonna sit here and rip on the highers up. At the end of the day, that's not why I quit.

While everyone else slowly accepted this new reality, our team lost their shit and never found it again. I was miserable. And I slowly came to a place of acceptance myself. I knew I didn't like the drive, I knew I'd need to find something else but I just realized it was my own choice to sit there miserable about it. But the minute I stopped engaging in the bitching, those who remained on my team, turned on me. All but my boss and one other team member. 

My boss.

So my original boss took a leave of absence after the changes. It affected him too but for reasons I won't go into here. 

That was a huge loss for me. Like, I literally had to grieve because he had been so encouraging and so supportive of all I had gone through while employed and yeah...it was a loss. And my heart was sad that he was sad.

My new immediate boss was his boss and she wasn't bad but she wasn't him either. That may sound unfair but some people are born leaders and some...are just blah.

I found myself suddenly the focus of everyone's ire. Discussions about me were whispered right in my presence; I'd hear psssp psssp psssp, Denise. Denise psssp pssssp pssssp. I was singled out with fliers put on my chair but not anyone else's. I got snapped at. It was unbelievable. You have to understand that only one of my team members (that engaged in this) was younger than me. And she was 50!! I felt like I was in an adult version of Mean Girls. Or remember the book Blubber by Judy Blume? Yeah, I was Blubber. 

And you know, I hung in there. I used all the skills I've learned in therapy. It was a good opportunity for that. But things got worse and worse.

I have worked in some bad situations before, I've worked for a bi-polar boss who would come in one day so happy you'd swear she was on something and whose wild antics you'd crack up at, but who then would come in the next day and tell you to go hang yourself. I've worked in environments where the boss was having affairs with the admins. I've worked in situations where the boss would make us sit through an hour of him lecturing us about how much we sucked. I've been through it all but this one took the cake, because it was coworkers.

And it was my therapist who finally said, "I support you if you leave, this is abusive at best." So I left. And I mean, that's the short, sweet version but it covers everything. And the relief I felt the day I turned my notice in, I can't even. I just can't even. I slept for days, lol.

And I'm Ok for now. I mean, at least financially, I have a bit of wiggle room.

I want desperately to move but that'll happen within a few months of me getting another job. We'll go into the financial piece in another blog.

So that's what happened there. 

Yeah, I'll do the financial piece the next time I blog. I hope you all did something fun last night. I was with friends, although I was at home and in bed by 10:15.

And today, my lazy ass lounged all day long with Pumpkin and I loved every second of it. 

No apologies.

Be Blessed!

Love and Light,

Neecie