I'm going to start this blog now and end it tonight. I have had a very hard time getting anything done lately.
And I want to add a bit of accountability into this entry. I'm not going to write out my list for the day, but tonight I'm going to come back and let you know I finished it.
I haven't been a complete slug, things are getting done but man...it's been a bit of a struggle.
So health, huh?
I'm just going to attack one thing at a time rather than have a blog that's all over the place as some of them tend to be.
Therapy: I did mention in a previous blog, that I am now without insurance. I quit knowing I'd lose my insurance so no self-pity on that one. Not gonna lie though, it scares me. However, it doesn't panic me. I have a come a long way, it's just, you know when you're in therapy, it can become a bit of a crutch even though you're working hard and learning lots. It is a safety net of sorts. So for now, no therapy. I am going to keep using my work book and doing the homework that goes with it. At least I'll know I'm still learning.
Medication: So I'm gonna cover it all in this one. I've been on Lexipro for some time now. 15mg/daily. It's a very small dose. I do believe it has helped me, it's enough to have taken off the edge of things like anxiety and total depression, like, it works. However, no insurance. I did one smart thing though. Ha! I asked to up my dosage knowing I wouldn't be able to afford my meds much longer. So I have a lot. I am slowing weaning myself off it so that it's not a sudden withdrawal. Everything I do now, is done with mindfulness, intent and awareness. I have decreased to 10mg every other day. Next week, I'll go down to 5 and stay there until I have about two weeks worth and then I'll go to every three days, then 4 and then I'll be done. Yes, I hope to have a job and insurance by the time I'm finished and may consider starting this therapy over again but we'll see. My intention was never to be on meds forever, but rather to give myself the time to work through all my "stuff." I did decide to order a "happy lamp". One of those lights that help with depression. I'll sit in front of it when I meditate and we shall see if I notice a difference.
Sleep: I could write an entire blog on this one. Yeah, for the most part, I am getting sleep everynight. However, I'm getting too much as opposed to not enough and I become so tired, that I usually take a nap. Some days, I end up getting like 12-14 hours of sleep. So, what do I take for sleep? Well, I take edibles, I've been very forthcoming about that. They are the only thing that has helped me. Now I do have a prescription for hydroxyzine which is really nothing more than a prescription strength benedryl. I take this only on those nights that the edibles don't cut it. I will only ever take the same amount of edibles, I won't increase. I don't being stoned. That's not my jam at all and sometimes when I'm unable to fall asleep with the edibles, I do end up feeling the high and having to ride it out. It's doable, it's just not what I prefer.
The problem is that after long term use, I feel like the edibles have "dumbed me down." I'm way more sluggish now, even more than when I wasn't taking the edibles and not getting enough sleep. So let's talk about that next.
Laziness: I don't want to say this is all laziness. Honestly, I do think there is depression brewing and I think I know where it's stemming from; lonliness and boredom. I need to get a job. But whereas I used to isolate as the norm, I don't want that anymore. And I know people are busy and that I can't be with people all the time. I get that. I'm OK with that. I still need my downtime, my time with just me but yeah...it's hard to motivate yourself when you don't want to be alone because there are things I can do but so often, I end up doing them alone. I do believe the edibles are contributing to my sluggishness and I'd just like to see if not taking them could possibly work somehow.
So. I have made some decisions. No more hydroxyzine, as it does not work on it's own. For the next week, I am going to go every other night with the edibles. You can't just quit anything, except maybe cigarettes, and I need to be careful and totally on top of how I'm feeling and what's going through my head. I have to. I can't fuck around with this stuff anymore. My goal is to increase the other things that help with sleep as I decrease the edibles. One of the things that helps is daily exercise. I put my step goal for this week at only 5K per day and will work my way back up. It's all gotta be doable and believe me, when I'm in slug mode, 5K is hard for me to achieve. I do not do crazy workouts, I never will but enough to work up a sweat and put in enough effort to not only lose weight but to build strength and flexibility.
Ok, so I ate some breakfast and that was it. Exhausted. I took a nap. But this doesn't have to be the end of my day. It's a bit after 3. I have 6 hours until I go to bed. So we'll see what I can get done. I do think the food made me feel full so that has something to do with it but honestly, here again...boredom.
So it's the next day, lol. Yesterday ended up being stupid. Or I did anyways. I guess a day is just a day.
I did get up later than I wanted to this morning. Only by an hour though. I already have made my step count (it's noon). I went to the gym, I changed the kitty litter and I vacummed all the areas of the house that I usually vacuum. I picked up my room too. Oh, and I ordered groceries, which have arrived and are put away.
I will check in with another blog tomorrow just to let you know how the rest of the day goes. I do have a list.
Ok, so on with health;
Weight Loss: Yeah, I'm killin' it. Not to long ago, I hit 176.5lbs, which marks the halfway point for me. I haven't lost 176.5, that's my actual weight. I'm under that now but we'll talk about that when I hit my next milestone, which is to get under 170. What am I doing? So, let's not go to in depth. I'll explain it in my next health update video. I hope to start shooting again within the next week or so. Long story short, I'm doing a thing called metabolic confusion, intermittent fasting and then I exercise. Like I said, we'll go into more depth in the video.
Yoga: I have not been doing it but I am going to start again tonight. Use it or lose it, right? It feels so good to do it, that I'm not sure why I would not do it.
Like I said, I've been struggling with tiredness and laziness.
But I'm going to have to push through. These changes I'm making all add up to equal better health in all respects. But they do me good if I only think about doing them.
I also you know, had decided to make a list of the many things I want to be doing for myself. Y'all know I've been rollerskating. I love it so much. I love it so much that I signed up lessons. You don't pay unless you go. It's $20 a pop plus the cost of entry, which is not a lot. I'll go once and see if it seems like something I want to do for a month or so. Once I'm able to turn and go backwards and all that again, I'll stop with the lessons. I just feel like I want to be there with someone encouraging me. Cuz I'm a chicken, lol. So every 6 months, I'm going to take on something new and see how it goes. If I love it, it'll just become something I do every week and if I give it a try and it's not me, hey, I tried. So I'm going to keep rollerskating and this month or next, I'm starting up with the knitting again. Classes for 6 months, ya know? And I know I'll love it so that one will probably stay in place too.
This summer, in July or so, I am going to start taking yoga classes. I want to learn the names of the poses I'm doing and I want to learn new poses, etc. If I do yoga on my own until then, and I push myself, plus working out at the gym, I'm thinking I will be able to do the basics in a class. I know what I want to do after that but I'll talk about it when we get there.
And I was thinking yesterday about what I wrote above, about the lonliness. Sometimes I'm just gonna be lonely ya know? However, how I fill that time is really important because left to my own devices, I'll watch serial killer shows and sleep too much, etc. I think that how I use my downtime is super important. So. I ordered a puzzle of fairies and I'll work on it when I have nothing else to do. I'm also currently reading a series of books by an author I have come to absolutely adore. I'll figure out other stuff as I go but for now, reading an actual book and spending time on puzzles will keep my mind focused and help it from wandering into dangerous areas.
And I'll continue to let people know what I'm doing each Sunday and invite those interested to come with me.
So the last thing, other than meditation, which I do everyday and really is self-explanatory. is drinking more water. My creatinin levels (I probably spelled that shit wrong) have been consistently high. It's totally due to my not drinking water. I don't know why but sucking down water just hasn't appealed. I was drinking way to much coffee and I now drink only one cup a day. I have tumblers that hold 24 oz of liquid and so I try to get in 3 of these a day. I drink 24 oz between six and 10AM and then another between 10AM and 2PM and the last 24 oz, I drink between 2PM and 4PM and the reason for this is that I pee and pee and pee and it wakes me up at night. So I will take little sips up to bedtime but not to much. I always bring water to bed so that if I wake up and am parched, I've got it right there and by doing so, I'm not as apt to get up and nibble on sweets, which is an issue for me, lol.
There you have it loves.
I'll keep you posted on how all is going. I feel good today. I already feel accomplished but I want to keep going and not veg out.
I hope you have a great day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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