So I will blog about the topic but just a quick check-in first. I am slowly coming out of my tired funk. I continue to have "feelings" as I decrease my meds. I am so aware of them now. That's therapy. The change when you start meds is so subtle that you really don't notice the changes at all but I now see how those meds really did work to take the edge off of the intensity of my feelings. It dumbed me down feeling wise. And I'm just so aware of it now that I'm having these feelings again.
I am so grateful for therapy right now because I have tools I didn't have previously. I was really sad last night after a conversation I had with someone I love. So sad. I know it's really hard to reach out sometimes but I did call someone I know without question, loves me. And she helped me regulate. Of course it's OK to be sad. But I was angry too and that's what I needed to let go of because in so many situations in life, we cannot "fix" things for others, and while acceptance can be a bitter pill to swallow, it's necessary. It doesn't mean you have to like it.
There is something to say for faith too. Sometimes hope and faith is all we have. Also, you know, prayer for people and the sending of good energy or protective energy or what have you, it may not feel like enough but at the very least, it's something we can do.
I'm not too overwhelmed but oddly, I seem to want to convince myself that I am overwhelmed. I'm good. I'm still on the journey and these days I'm much more present and aware.
Ok, so this week's blog topic. What I love about myself. It's sad that my first thought is that I wanted to put in a disclaimer about how this isn't about bragging. Somewhere along the line, I was conditioned to feel like tooting my own horn equaled being a braggart.
So I say these things with humility and gratitude. I hate arrogance though I do sometimes still go there. Coming from 50+ years of shame, self loathing and low self-esteem, it's nothing short of a miracle that I can tell you what I love about me and be excited about it and be able to celebrate it with you and I would challenge you to love you and to really look deep and to be happy with what you find.
I love that I am deeply empathetic. I care. I love that I want to be there for my people. I am very generous with my time and concern when it's needed. I am loyal. I don't just hand out loyalty though. It happens over time as trust is built. That was something that took me a long minute to learn and to instill in my life. I have boundaries! And that's good! I love that I am starting to really care about and for myself. I'm talking about on a spiritual and physical level. I am exercising. I am eating better. I pay attention to what goes into my body. I take those bougie baths and I take care of my skin. I am exploring things one at a time, that I always wanted to try. I'm rollerskating again, I'm going to start knitting classes and this summer, I'm going full on ham with the yoga. I'm going to find a studio where they teach you from the ground up so to speak so I will know the names of the poses and what specific kind of yoga it is.
I can't do everything all at once so I'm learning patience and learning to love each moment for what it is. I'm no longer thinking, "everything will be perfect when this or that happens," like everything is perfect right now in this moment.
I've learned that wishing for things to magically change and/or happen is such a waste. You will never know long lasting, true happiness if you are constantly wanting more. It's ok to have dreams and goals but my God, enjoy the process of getting there, stay open to all possibilities.
I love that I am learning not to give a shit about people who are cruel or disloyal or mean or selfish. These days, people's opinion of me doesn't matter to me at all. The people in my life now, I know their opinion and I hold them in high esteem too. People can share their opinions with me now and I can let them have them, even if I don't agree.
I love how much I love my cats and all the love and pampering I do with them. I made mistakes in the past and the three that I have now, well, Grey is 14 and I've had her since she was 6 months. Mocha is around 8 or so and I've had her since she was 1 year old and little Pumpkin was literally born into my hand, I removed her amniotic sac and had to pet her vigorously to get her breathing. We brought her home after 8 weeks. She is my daughter's cat and she'll be with her all her life. I literally love this little girl as much as I'd love a grandchild. So once my kiddo is out on her own, if anything happens with Pumpkin, I will always be there to help financially so that Pumpkin's needs are always met.
I love that it turns out I am responsible. But I also actually love my impulsivity and spontaneity. To the extent that makes me quirky and funny and young. I used to call it immaturity, now...I'm young at heart, I love funny things and I love my loud, hearty laugh. I love how I love with all my heart and I'm unapologetic about it.
If I wanted to take more time, I could come up with so many more things. And you know what? I love that too.
So there you have it.
My birthday week has started out good. I went rollerskating and I'm just basically chillin'. I'm about to go over to my friend's place for some hanging out and for some dinner.
Tomorrow, I'm getting a pedicure and getting my nails filled. Tuesday, I'm getting a facial. Something bougie each day because I deserve it, lol.
Love you guys!
Be Blessed.
Love and Light,
Neecie
No comments:
Post a Comment