On The Other Side of Things

 Hi Everyone!

Good morning. This might have lots of spelling errors because much of it will be voice activated. I didn’t have time to blog this morning. I went to bed so late. I was depressed yesterday. It was hard. I really didn’t do too much.

And I stayed up ridiculously late. My daughter pays for Netflix and yesterday was the last day I’d be able to watch all the movies in the Twilight series. I have no idea why I went down that rabbit hole.

So I am going on 3.5 hours of sleep and I have no one to blame but myself.

I got up ok and I showered, now that was much needed. 

I’m at work now and my boss is bitching about all she does and her family, etc. Sometimes she says things and they seem to be passive aggressive towards me but I’m ignoring it.

I hope I have enough work today to just get through this day. Contrary to what one might think, I am not going right to bed this evening.

I have to make a list. It’s all menial stuff. Nothing too crazy.

And I plan to be in bed, lights off by 9. I didn’t take a Hydroxyzine last night and I think that’s why I feel ok this morning. 

I can’t take another day like the one I had yesterday. That stuff is the devil and is for Friday nights only. Just for catch up on my sleep.

I am feeling a touch of anxiety this morning. I’m trying to push through it.

I just want to be on the other side of this day. But going from point A to point Z without doing B-Y is a habit of mine that I’m putting behind me so I will stay engaged as much as possible.

My sister is back from her travels. I haven’t seen her in a month!

So there are good things in today and the opportunities are boundless!!!

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Funky Do

 

Good Morning,

Oh man, so while I did get enough sleep, I got scared about not sleeping and I took a hydroxyzine. If you watched my video yesterday, you know that I made the connection between depression and this drug. I told myself that two nights in a row would be fine but it's not. 

This morning is bad. It doesn't help that I woke up from a dream that was so awful. And I am tearful and just...having a very hard go of it.

I'm gonna do all my "stuff" this morning but I won't get to go rollerskating. It's OK.

Life is rarely perfect and self-care is the most important thing. Rollerskating is a part of my self-care but the pinch to get ready and out the door? That's too much today and I know it.

So. On that note, I am going to do everything else. Go for a walk, meditate, do the Wim Hof breathing stuff and go from there.

I actually got the apartment done last night. I pushed. I really pushed. I just wanted it done. Got my long form videos for the week shot. I missed bougie bath so I'll be doing that today after my daughter goes to work. 

We had a knock down storm last night. 

Tornado watch and all the good stuff and you could literally see the water blowing across the parking lot and the field beyond.

We were laughing because Pumpkin was just sitting at my window, completely unafraid, watching it all. 

Our other two cats aren't scared...but they aren't interested either. 

Not at all.

I didn't see any damage this morning; no downed trees, etc.

We still have power.

So, it's all good.

I posted this video yesterday, well last night to be exact. I am going to post the next one this afternoon and then I'll wait until Wednesday or so to post the last one for this week.

It felt good to get those taped. But you know, beware the hair, it's a funky one for sure. Funky Do.

Alright, so my plan is to push through today, to find gratitude in it and to get something, anything, done.

And we will just go from there.

Everyday, in Every way, my Life Gets Better and Better.

Help me see this today, dear Universe.

I hope you all have a fantastic day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Funky Dreams

 

Good Morning!

Okie, well as planned, I took the hydroxyzine last night. Yes, it helped.

But it's definitely what causes the depression. I was ready for it though. And I'm grateful for a night of good, balanced sleep. So...going forward, Friday nights it is. Just to play a bit of catch up.

I had one funky dream too. I don't remember much of it.

But of course, I looked it up.

It fits into the whole "becoming" theme.

It showed me where I need to be focusing too. Not as far as all the "stuff" I want to be doing but some internal stuff...some growth that needs to happen.

I feel like the last month has been nothing but growth. It seems like there's been so much of that...period. You open yourself up to it and it comes...it comes.

And the one thing I can tell you with great certainty is that you don't get to pick how it comes, you don't get to control your lessons, they decide themselves what they will look like and when they will come.

Ok, well, I stayed busy last night, both my daughter and I and even though I didn't get all I wanted to get done, done, it was good and I was in bed and asleep pretty much when I planned to be and not a lot of wakefulness.

Thank you, thank you for that.

I'm not writing out my plans for the day anymore. It's just plans. It's things I hope to accomplish.

There is always, always, something to do.

So I guess with that...onwards.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

We are supposed to have some snippets of sunshine today. Grab that stuff, friends. Grab it and enjoy it.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Just So Darn Nice!!

Hello, Hello,

I am so happy. When I got home from work last night, I checked my YouTube Channel and I had 3 new subscribers.

This is nuts but in the best way possible and here again, I'm humble AF about it. I know some people get hundreds a day sometimes but for me, this has simply never happened. 18 newbies in one month.

It's just...it's so nice. And it's thoughtful and kind and yeah...humbled for sure.

Anyways, sleep evaded me last night but what's weird is that what I did get was largely REM and Deep so while I'm tired, I'm OK.

I don't want to sleep in tomorrow morning, I have a LOT to do tomorrow so I just want to get a good night's sleep. I've gone two or three nights without the hydroxyzine so I may take one tonight just to ensure it all gets taken care of...sleepwise.

Rent is due technically in 8 days but they give us a grace period so...8 days.

I got this.

I'm going to use my PTO for Wednesday, because of the car, and I'm going to work on Thursday. My boss said I can come in as early as I want to. She's usually there by 6, so that's what I'm gonna go for and I'll work until noon and this way, I'll only come out short about 2 hours through this whole debacle. 

I am focusing on gratitude for that as opposed to lamenting the fact that I wanted a 4 day weekend. It simply is what it is.

And because money is so tight right now, well, this just makes sense.

I did manage to find out that the insurance they carry for us has a $5K deductible and I still have no idea how much it actually costs per month.

I need to get in...soon.

I need to win the lottery, lol...soon.

Anyways, I'm good today. I've had some tough lessons the past few weeks but I think I'm learning and that's the deal right? Learn this shit.

So I posted two shorts yesterday. One of them got 9 views and one of them got over 700. You just never know.

Here they are:

I look like such a dorkus.

But it's fun and people are nice like I said.

I really like doing the affirmations and I've got weeks of them left so that's good but I'll have to come up with something to do afterwards.

I want to do something that might help others but will help me too. Keep learning.

I better get going. TGIF.

I hope you guys have a great day!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Ghengis

 

Good Morning,

I woke up at 2:20 or so and was up so I got up for about 15 minutes and then I laid back down and just kept deep breathing and focusing on my breath and thank God, I went back to sleep.

You know what? Day 2 with only my pink drink. No hydroxyzine and no edibles and I'm feeling better already. 

Maybe not as much sleep but mentally, better. Not groggy, not overly tired, not sad and depressed.

So I guess the hydroxyzine is out unless I go for two nights in a row with bad sleep, then I'll take it, just to get caught back up.

You guys, allow me not a moment of arrogance or the wrong kind of pride but a moment of patting myself on the back.

I got through the car thing on my own. At my age, you may be thinking well duh! But this is not me, not the me I used to be anyways.

Now, I had to dig into rent to do it but we'll figure that out too.

I know we will. In fact, let me write this quick then I gotta go cuz my car is fixed and I can get my ass to work today!!!! 

I have had a dream for a long, long time. You all know that dream.

Maybe this is where I start and it looks nothing like I want it to but maybe I make a fuck ton of bath bombs and whatever products I am able to otherwise and maybe that's where this starts. Because I'm open and that shit just came to me.

I had a dream that I was walking and there was this map and it was marking in red the route I took as I took it and red is the color of vitality and love and passion.

Maybe the route I've been trying to take all these years wasn't marked in red, maybe this is me being up to being led, open to whatever this can look like instead of having my OCD/ritualistic it has to be this way or no way.

I'm crying now because I think I'm right.

Anyways, I'm gonna go for it this weekend. 

I hope you guys have an amazing day. We all deserve that so much.

I had something really happy to me last night but I think I'll hold that one in my heart.

Alright, well, I'm out of here. Today is my day to go forth and conquer.

I've been watching a documentary on Genghis Kahn, I find Asian history so amazing but it also sortof inspires me.

Man is both shitty and wonderful, beautiful and horrifically ugly all at once.

Have a beautiful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

It Really Is This Simple

 

Hello and Good Afternoon,

Ah yes. Afternoon. I did not go into work today. But it was out of my hands and my boss actually texted me back this morning after I told her I was trying to get there and told me that I am all caught up, that all is well and that she had to leave early today and her mom wasn't coming in. 

I haven't been given keys so I would've had to leave early anyways and I had no way of getting home.

My car went out on me yesterday. Luckily, it happened at work so I wasn't stranded on the side of the road.

While all this was playing out, someone from work had a medical crisis and there were some tears, not on my part, but I could relate to those tears because of my mom and it triggered me but only for seconds. 

At that point, I had decided a meltdown was in order but only the tiniest of meltdowns, a moment or two of self-pity sounded good to me but my chest tightened up on me, no pain and I realized that anxiety and panic would not serve me.

I started breathing in deep and I told myself the following: The Universe is not out to get me, the Universe loves me. This is not bad karma. This my friends, is life on life's terms and we want to label it but it really is just that; life on life's terms.

Life's terms are all the things. Yes, this throws me right back into financial crisis as my footing there was precarious at best and while I seemed to be winning, I was nowhere near that yet.

But life's terms are rather amazing at times too because out of all of this came a ride home with my son and that...made all of this...so worth it.

We had a very good talk and I listened and I took in who my son is now. 

I am so proud.

His journey is one worth taking note of.

These are the journey's I respect so much. These are the journey's that inspire me and give me the courage to forge ahead and onwards.

And what of the financial consequences of this life on life's terms experience? Well, I don't fully know at this point but what I do know is that...we, I and thus we, will be OK. We have been all along and who am I to say that that will stop? I don't think it will, I think we'll be OK.

I just don't know how yet, but I see it and I know it and that's what matters. Stay open dear girl. Believe.

Hopefully, the car will be done today so I can go in tomorrow. I think I have enough between checking and my credit card to pay this. I'll just need a ride to pick my car up. We shall deal with the rent piece when it comes.

All is well and all manner of things is well.

Honestly, it really is that simple.

I'm relaxing today, it's raining but it's a gentle rain and I am going to take a bath in the dark with candles and listen to music that feeds my soul and if that's all I do today, that's all good.

My daily short, both yesterday's and today's:

Be Blessed Loves.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Positivity and Opportunity

 

Good Morning,

Oh you guys, I am deflated as an MF.

It goes beyond tired. I continue to vacillate. Take the prescribed meds or not. 

At what point do you throw in the towel? 

Having been off the hydroxyzine for about a month or more and then starting up again, I realize that they are what make my mornings hard because I was getting through OK.

And now...man. I've been on them for a little over a week and at first, sleep and it was great. Now, for the most part, sleep but waking up like a zombie woman and on the verge of tears.

So I think at this point, I can say with impunity that these are the enemy when it comes to morning blues.

Without them, less sleep, but a rather calm sense of life and contentedness and with them...more sleep but definite grogginess and depression.

Seems like an easy choice but in all honesty, I will probably take them again until they're gone and then just be done for good.

At some point, you throw in the towel and you say, this is something I have to accept and learn to deal with. 

And I know, having had some nice days, that the depression isn't all me, there are things that add to it and I do think this particular drug is one of them.

It's also hard to train myself and stay consistent with the bedtime ritual.

I have to.

I mean, if I want a shot at getting better sleep without all this bullshit, I have to stay consistent.

I had a good day at work yesterday, I am worried about today because I have that exhausted tired going through me, the kind that clings to you on the inside too. And I'm usually worthless when I'm like that so today will require some effort.

But.

I can do it.

And tonight, permission to just take a shower, clean up a bit and then relax until bedtime.

I have to learn that it's OK to shut down the show when I need to.

This week's affirmation is, "I attract positivity and opportunities effortlessly."

We are not to the effortlessly part yet. 

But I can get there and I will.

The positives this morning are that I have time to get ready and be to work on time. I have my bills paid and things are running smoothly.

Opportunities may not look like I want them to today but today is an opportunity to prove myself that I can. The opposite doesn't exist for me.

So that's what I've got.

Here's yesterday's short:

I hope you all have a great day. Be positive and you will attract the same. Look at everything as an opportunity and accept it as such. It's easier to align yourself with the flow as opposed to going against it.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie