So So Close

Hi Everyone,

Sigh.

I can’t sleep.

I know from the outside looking in, how sad I must seem; my entire life is a story of one bad choice after another and it is. I mean, we must be honest. But the thing I wish I could make people understand is that very little of this has been intentional. I know it seems like it’s been intentional but it’s not. It’s like I’ve been driven by something that’s so much bigger than bad choices. It’s as if I haven’t been able to help or stop myself in spite of knowing how wrong my choices have been.

I don’t point the finger anymore because I feel like I was born this way; I was born with a broken heart. The anger can be explained now. You know, the borderline stuff but underneath it was this sensitive, caring little girl who just…could never see what was good and who was driven by impulses that she never really did figure out.

I was born hating myself and never feeling that I was worthy of good things.

And I am still that little girl. I am much softer now than I was so long ago. I only want the best for the people I love so much. 

When I was younger, I’m sure I had delusions of grandeur but I was never able to achieve any of my dreams.

Never.

So many opportunities that I just let go, that I turned my back on.

While I fully understand what I look like from the outside, this is not me.

I’m still a girl with dreams. They are much simpler dreams now but still, yes, I dream.

And always ending up right where I am now.

I do think the past two years, while still struggling with those internal things, I just couldn’t catch a real break; these ridiculous jobs working for ridiculous humans. Not getting hired quickly. Not being able to find a normal job with normal people and one thing after another just coming at me. 

I feel like the past two years have been not only my internal stuff but external stuff too, one after another punch to the throat. Punch, punch, punch.

Yes, there is a part of me that wishes I could get a break, some boon from the Universe, I also know that it’s not realistic. I’m so grateful for the help I’ve always received. Oh my God, the people put in my path and in my life have been amazing. My heart is so full.

I am blessed.

There are so many people who have helped over the years, I’m sure I can’t even remember them all. I know I don’t.

There’s so much more I could say but I’m so tired now.

I see things so differently now. I don’t like death but I’m not as affected by it as others. I miss people, I mourn that they are no longer here but I also believe some pretty weird things about death.

I’m pretty sure there’s something else after. All the things with mom and dad. I just…it seems likely to me that there’s something after and it’s not anything like what we think it is. And it’s not a final judgment thing.

And if I’m wrong about that, then I believe that we just stop.

But there’s beauty in that too because there are some of us who this whole thing has been exceedingly hard for, this whole life thing.

People want to look for reasons and apply psychology but some of us just suffer. We don’t want to, I don’t want to but I’m not up for struggling anymore. I’m so fucking tired and I’m like the energy bunny, I keep going but I’m like a maniacal one; yeah, I keep going but it’s in circles.

And those circles have created grooves so deep, I could never pull myself out; grief, remorse, shame, regret.

I need help to get off the train I’ve always been on. And I’ve gotten help, I’m the help me girl after all but I need big help. And that’s not going to happen and I’m just so tired.

This last job broke me. Knowing there are people in this world like that woman I worked for, that broke me. Losing the car is embarrassing and humiliating and it broke me.

We are about to lose our apartment and I’m not up to going through that.

I’m willing to make the changes, I have been working on that but I’m a slow goer.

I can’t go through this. My daughter and my cats…I can’t put them through this anymore.

I’m so tired.

I don’t have another cycle of this bullshit in me.

I just don’t.

Life is precious, I have experienced precious people, precious things, precious feelings but I’ve also lived under the shadow of something more powerful than I and that’s this inability to take those energizer batteries out, to stop going in circles, to love myself as much as I love others. It’s the inability to get over this inner hurt I seem to have been born with. I simply have carried it too long.

People say that the choice to stop playing this game is a selfish one, but I think that we’re so conditioned, we can’t see that it’s selfish to want to keep people here who don’t want to be here; who suffer for reasons unknown, who are tired and weary.

Do I want to live? I would love to but not like this, this isn’t living, this is constant struggle. I just can’t go through this any longer and I can’t put anyone through this any longer.

And my struggles hurt people. They certainly hurt their wallets, my struggles.

I got nothing.

I love my children and my family and my friends. I am grateful for the beauty and the kindness, the laughter and generosity. I am blessed and I feel that with every ounce of my soul.

But I can’t do this again. I can’t go on this way. I just can’t.

As generous as everyone has always been with me, don’t selfishly ask me to stay when I tell you I don’t want to.

I just can’t keep doing this. Don’t ask me to when I am just so tired, when I got nothing.

I miss mom and dad so much I sometimes can’t stand it. 

I feel them next to me. They are so close. 

They are so so close.

Denise