Hi Everyone,
Good Morning.
So far, my morning has been quiet. Something felt different
when I got up this morning. Better. Calmer.
Not that it’s been wild or anything like that but a sense of
calm and a sense of being fulfilled in the moment.
I’m not used to sitting in, and being present in, any given
moment. But I let myself feel it, I didn’t try to stir things up within my
mind. I just took it in.
And I liked it.
It’s been a still day. I suppose that could change but I’m
not going to look for it to.
One thing that has weighed heavy on my mind, but that I
haven’t come to any conclusion about is Christa Pike. It’s a touchy subject.
I don’t want to replay her crime here, it was horrible.
There’s no contesting that part of things. She also was charged with attempted
murder and I believe found guilty, in prison. But if you actually do the research,
it seems likely that she was defending another prisoner. It wasn’t a random
attack.
I mean, I wasn’t there, I don’t know.
Anyways, she was supposed to be put to death last week and
she is literally the first person to survive two attempts in a row, to kill her
using pentobarbital. They tried twice because that’s what the protocol calls
for. She had appealed and applied for clemency but she had also asked that they
consider hanging her or shooting her because she legit has issues with her
veins.
What she experienced was legit a kind of torture.
And then, they rushed her to the hospital where she was
expected not to make it but shockingly, she did.
One of the things that people for the death penalty have
been screaming about, is that all this attention is going to Christa and not
the victim, Colleen Slemmer.
I have been leaning towards no death penalty. And it’s not
that I don’t care what that girl had to endure before she died, I do, it’s too
much to contemplate or fully take in because it’s so awful, but there are a lot
of things that led up to t he rage Christa experienced.
Things that were not Colleen Slemmer’s fault and that she
had nothing to do with. Her mother drank alcoholically during her pregnancy
with her, she was sexually abused as a toddler, she was beaten a LOT, then she
was sexually assaulted again and one year prior to the murder, she was pulled
off the street and raped by a stranger.
I know the arguments here. Many people go through horrific
childhoods and they don’t grow up to do these things. I acknowledge that and I
get it.
Still. I just feel…two wrongs don’t make a right, let her
spend her life in prison. No parole, no way out.
Why can’t that be enough?
And did the torture Christa went through with the botched
execution even come close to what Colleen experienced? I have serious doubts.
Still.
But here’s what gets me everytime I try to turn this over in
my mind; if it was one of my girls, my sisters, my mom, my besties? I’d want to
kill her myself. Like…let me at her.
I know rage. I know abandonment.
Christa is me minus the sexual abuse stuff.
But the rage and how the rage can come upon you in just the right
(one could argue wrong) set of circumstances and it boils over, it consumes
you.
I just…I don’t know.
Two days ago, they said she was brain dead and was going to
be removed from the ventilator the next day, and then yesterday, she woke up.
Is that a God thing? The crazy Christians don’t think so.
They’re picky about their miracles. I say Crazy, meaning the ones who claim
Jesus but live nothing like how he lived or what he preached.
I do think she’s a miracle. And I’m not a born again
anything, I’m not a “God” type of girl. But I do think she’s a miracle, and a
warning.
But then…again…what it was someone I loved? That’s changes
the playing field drastically.
It’s hard, this is hard stuff.
Why am I wasting my time on this? I have no idea why this
story has affected me so much. I guess because I can relate to Christa on some
level.
There’s something about her.
The girls who killed Shanda Sharer? I don’t feel the same
way. All of them have been released after serving time according to who did
what, but at least one of them should’ve received the death penalty as far I’m
concerned. And her life was horrid too.
This is why I could never make a good argument either way.
Time to let it go.
Time to just let it go.
But I am doing ritual on the 31st and I may speak
on this…in my circle, alone with my idea of that which is greater than I.
I just had to write it all out, because I’ve been a bit
obsessive about it and it’s time to let go, like I just wrote.
So we are in for 3 bizarrely warm days. I’m not a happy
camper about that but it is what it is and supposedly, it’ll plummet right back
down to my happy temps after the 3 days.
Sheesh.
I don’t know how, but I resisted picking today. I have a
gaping wound on my arm that started out as two separate wounds and now are
almost one.
This is terrible. I wish I could stop. But I resisted long
enough to get to work and to put some anti bacterial stuff on it and get it
covered with a bandaid. I have an ouch on my lower arm and my leg too. I picked
at the one on my leg but didn’t do too much damage. I hate that I have this
thing.
At the end of all that, yeah, it’s so far been a good, calm
day.
I love envisioning the day I can walk out of here for the
last time.
It’s not an anger thing anymore, I ask humbly, to whoever is
in charge of this thing called life, they he/she/it/they remove from this
current experience and provide me with one more in line with my financial needs
and what I’m good at doing.
Thank you.
Ok, have a good day everyone.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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