Good Morning,
Oh. You guys. I have felt every emotion there is to feel in the past 24 hours. I've felt sad, I've felt overwhelmed, I've felt scared, grateful, angry and anxious.
If you don't know already, if you don't watch my Willow's Whimsy YouTube Channel, please do. I am getting closer to realizing the first of many goals with this channel, being my hitting 1000 subscribers. I need this more than ever right now, if nothing else, to give me hope that something I do has meaning.
Anyways, I mentioned yesterday and today that my car got repossessed by the loan company. I'm letting it go, they want 6K to get it back and the car isn't worth that.
So I have to let it go.
So I have no car.
And this brings up the question of do I keep this job or not?
I think first I'll tell you what's been going on and maybe try and pick that apart.
My boss is horrible. She's not a nice person. She is the type who will raise her voice and say horrible things to you and accuse you in a way that says, "I'm right so don't even argue." And she overrides anything you say as if it doesn't have meaning, it doesn't matter, the only things that matters in her world, is her opinion. It's the only one that is true.
She's just awful. I went back and forth for a long time, kind of liking her. She's an anomaly because she'll be really nice but then she'll just turn on you and rip you a new asshole and not even let you defend yourself.
Case in point; she is OCD about stapling and how the paperwork is stapled. And one time, I used a paper clip because I wasn't sure and she fucking lost it and she shamed me. And she yells so the guys in the other office can hear her. She's a very loud woman. It was like the scene in Mommy Dearest, "YOU USED THE WIRE HANGERS."
You guys, this was over a paperclip.
I've had several health issues and prior to the car getting taken, it had broken down and I busted my ass to make it to work in spite of all that. I have the receipts. I have screenshots of all the Ubers I took and how much it cost me to get there. I have screenshots of emails and texts making arrangements to have people pick me up. And she calls me unreliable. Unreliable. For things that I have no control over, like the car and yes, the health things are probably the result of choices I have made and have chosen to ignore the consequences and I did have to miss work but I brought in notes, and I brought in the hospital records showing the dates I was there and still that word; unreliable.
Would someone unreliable pay $80.00 a day that they don't have to get to work? Would someone unreliable do everything in their power, including putting up dramatic posts on FB to try and get rides from people so I don't have to pay this kind of money. Would someone exhausted after being taken by Ambulance to the emergency room for a medical crisis at 2AM and getting released at around 8AM, beg on FB for someone to come pick her up and take her home so that she could get out of her pajamas and go into work? How the fuck does that make me unreliable? Unreliable.
No empathy whatsoever for anyone else. She's a big but girl and you all know how I feel about the big buts. "I mean, I know this is hard for you and I feel for what you're going through but I need you to be reliable."
Yet this woman takes entire days off when her kids are home from school, she has called in twice herself since I've been there because one of her kids was sick but you don't hear me going, "Oh, I mean, I understand it's hard when they get sick but I need you to be reliable."
She does not lead by example, she leads by "Do as I say and not as I Do."
I get lectures every time I do something wrong, instead of a helpful correction. Yes, I do things wrong. Oh my God, I can admit that. Oh my God, I'm human. You would NEVER get an admission from her. I guess you can't from a person who "never makes mistakes of her own" and I've seen them, for sure they are not as numerous as mine but I bite my tongue, which is not like me, I do say I'm sorry because I actually am, this woman hasn't been sorry for a single thing in her life, because again, she does no wrong.
The other day, I had to admit something embarrassing and at the end of the day, because I'm accountable, what I did was wrong but when I deal with people who have done something wrong, let the punishment fit the crime and I'll explain.
About two months after I started, she wasn't in, she almost always waltzes in around 10, though she has occasionally been there as early as 9:30. Her big thing is that she's always working, even when she's at home and yeah, you know, she does. She just doesn't do it to the extent that she wants people to think because you know, "I work so hard, I work harder than anyone else, even if I'm not there and I have 3 kids 5 and under who distract me and who have all sorts of evening sports, etc."
But I digress. This employee came in and was looking for something in the supply cabinet. The supply cabinet is opposite my boss's desk but on the same side of the office as her if that makes sense.
There are file cabinets next to the supply cabinet. I was never told to stay out of those or that the supplies didn't spill over into these cabinets. So I looked in them to see if any of them had supplies because this person couldn't find what he was looking for. I was trying to be proactive so she wouldn't shame me later for not knowing. She's a big shamer, this one. It's brutal. Again, I don't usually take this kind of stuff seriously and I have known for quite awhile that I need to find a different job, I became complacent for a whole lot of reasons that didn't serve me; things like low self-esteem, laziness, feelings of anxiety about the application/interview process and because her abuse happens on the daily, I have become quiet. I don't even try to explain myself because she won't listen, she shuts you down, she overrides you. And she degrades and shames you. And somewhere in this, I let myself become a victim to her and of her.
But again, I digress. When I opened the other file cabinet drawers, I quickly realized that there were no supplies in there. What I did see was a bag of candy, chocolates. So...even though a little voice in me was telling me not to, I took a few of them and over the past few months, I've taken more of them and then there were none left and I decided I better get her a new bag.
So I did and I put it where the other candy was.
And she flipped the fuck out.
There was a coworker there while this went down and she told me the bigger issue is not that I took her candy (yes it is actually), but that I went through her personal space. She told me I was disgusting and NOT OK. She completely shamed, degraded, humiliated and embarrassed me. In front of this other coworker.
I'm gonna unpack this. At the end of the day, I was wrong but let me just say this. I never rifled around that file cabinet to see what else was there. I never dug through her things. My only focus was that candy. Still wrong but hold me accountable for what I did do instead of jumping to horrible, incorrect assumptions and voicing them in a voice timbre that could shatter glass. You don't get to accuse me of something and not let me defend myself. But noone gets to defend themselves ever with her. Noone. I have seen this played out over and over and over again with other employees.
She lives to shame people. She has no time to consider other opinions, she is just always right and she will shame you even more if you try to defend yourself and completely override you.
There is only her opinion, there is only her beliefs.
If I was looking through her things, I mean my answer to that is why would I do that? She has nothing I want. If I were going to "rifle through" anything, it'd be the petty cash drawer. Duh.
I'm so paranoid about her nastiness, that when a customer pays with cash, I attach a sticky note to it with the customers name and the invoice number so she knows I actually gave it to her. I even take pictures of it with my phone because she's certifiably, undeniably, psychotic.
I have had numerous people now tell me to sue her for a hostile work environment. All I want is to get out of there.
You know, she loves to talk about my life and give her opinions on all these awful things that I've gone through lately. She is without consideration for reality. Again, because she chooses not to listen.
And none of what she thinks I should do or change or what have you, is aligned with what the good people in my life tell me. The people who love me.
I gotta tell ya, I spoke to a good friend last night and she wasn't mean, but she shared some things with me that a friend should be able to say. She said these things with love and care and consideration for my feelings. And the things she said, though difficult to hear, were the complete opposite of what my boss says to me. Because my boss doesn't really know me, she doesn't know what makes me, me. She doesn't know my life and my history and my struggles and my fucking ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND the battles I've fought and won.
She fired the woman who was in my position before me. She told me all sorts of things about her and one of the things she said is that this woman changed overnight, that she one day she just stopped speaking to her (my boss) and that she started making all kinds of mistakes, etc.
I already know what happened because I'm living it now. And my heart goes out to this woman. I googled her and I found her address but you have to pay for her phone number and I'm not going to do that but I have her address and as soon as someone can take me to that address, I'm going to ring the doorbell and have a talk with her. And I'm going to tell her how sorry I am, because I judged her without knowing anything about her, I judged her based on what my boss said but now I'm in a position of not wanting to speak to her regarding anything other than work and how do I tell her that. I'm so beat up and feel so abused at this point, that I'm afraid the old me will come out, the one who clocked a bitch and put her in her place. She gets so nasty and so loud and is so mean but she has no clue what still lives inside of me and the fact that those demons are being stirred up and awoken, that's on her.
I'm using all my tools but someone can only take so much and I'll speak on that in a moment. I just have one more thing to talk about.
She's evil.
I feel like I've been working with Satan.
I have to be very, very careful here. You'll notice I'm not using names.
Some of you are my friends and you know those details but the mass readership, you understand why those things, names and identifying information, must be kept confidential.
She has...someone in her life...who she speaks about often. If an outsider were to hear her speaking, they would assume that my boss hates the person she tells me about and bitches about on a daily basis.
I'll give her, my boss, this; she paints a pretty convincing picture at first, until you start to experience her abuse personally...she paints a gooooood picture. And for some reason, she choose to share with me a detailed IQ report on this person and I still can't quite figure out what her motives in doing so were. Because rather than convince me of anything against the person she clearly resents and hates so much, my heart broke for that person and I was ashamed of myself for believing my boss. I cried when I got home that day. Like, part of me wonders if I should report this to someone. This person doesn't function per what society would deem the norm but that report spoke volumes to me and my heart softened and so I don't want to be subjected to my boss's tirades against this person anymore. I don't know how to tell her to stop though because she's so vicious.
Clearly, I need to find another job and with the car gone, I will be spending $500 a week on Ubers to get there, leaving me with $230.00 per week to pay rent, buy food, pay my other bills, etc.
This is not sustainable but some money is better than no money and I must use this to rouse myself out of my lethargy. I am not good at this job, I've been able, in my life, to obtain administrative work doing the things I excel at...for the most part; writing, creating training, newsletters, calendar management, travel, creating reports, human resources, that kind of thing I've excelled at...this is the second job I've had that A - has lots of little details and no organized training manuals to follow and B - where you have to remember to face this packet like this, this one like that, staple this one this way, staple this one that way, put this with that but not with that, that or that...she has OCD too and it shows in her the way she organizes.
Everyday, I am supposed to raise the blinds right next to my desk but there is a horrible sun glare in the morning and I can't see my computer but if she comes in early enough, she'll go right over and lift the blinds up, even though I've fucking asked her not to, not until the sun is completely past the window.
Evil.
Fucked Up.
Pyscho.
Mean.
Still. If I am a victim, it is because I've allowed myself to be one. No more. I'm Denise Motherfucking Johnson. This bitches days of having power and control over my feelings and worse yet, how I feel about myself...those are over. Done. She can fire me. Unlike my predecessor, I have receipts and I have am documenting everything. From here on out, it all goes on paper.
Might not ever need those notes. If I do, they might not mean anything to unemployment or to court but I'll know.
So, there you have it.
I think you're all up to speed.
I was offered help with the bankruptcy today.
And it made me think...just take the fuckin' Ubers to work, use the energy of gratitude for all the amazing help I've gotten and just...use that energy to find a new job as quickly as possible. If it's on a busline, I'll work farther away but otherwise, it has to be here in my current county so that these Ubers don't kill me.
I'll worry about a car soon enough.
Now is not that time.
Not with what's about to happen to me financially.
Yes, I'm super scared and not gonna lie, I wish for a miracle and maybe I should tell the Universe hey, I expect a miracle and you know, just do all the right things until it finally shows up but you know, they happen constantly for me. People help me. I am loved and cared for every fucking day.
I have been given money, I have been given food...so many people who know what this woman is paying me....they know it's not sustainable and so...we get food, we get gas cards, we get money. I am blessed and blessed and blessed. And I don't understand why people love me, I don't. I don't understand why people want to help me but I'm humbled by it and so grateful.
And it's this that keeps me going. I'm not talking about all the gifts, I'm talking about the love and respect of my peers, of my family and my friends.
I am blessed beyond measure with love. My cup is full and soon, hopefully, Gods willing, so too, will be my wallet.
Biggest love to all of you.
Thank you for the kind responses I get here and the support.
From here on out, while I will share what's hard, I'm going to also really try to focus on solution.
But today, I needed to get the poison out because it's threatening to take me down.
Can't keep it inside.
Thank you so S, E, L, G & H for listening to me cry last night and again today and for loving me so much.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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