Good Morning!!
Well damn. My blog has hit an all time high. We are at Oct. 18 and I’ve had over 21K views this month.
With so many views, could I ask if you’d be willing to subscribe to my YouTube Channel?
I appreciate you!!!
Yesterday was too much. It’s no one else’s fault, it is what it is, life on life’s terms. Those things we can do nothing but accept but I am seeing how there must be room to grow in that.
I have always been a dreamer. I have always had hopes, plans, lists and big goals. I am good at daring to dream but we all know that taking those things from my head and putting it into fruition is difficult at best and impossible at worst. I seem to choose living in the worst instead of the best and I need to redefine best. I talk about A to Z without wanting to do the B through Y part. Lord do I struggle with B through Y. I struggle because of many things; boredom, complacency, going too fast (lack of mindfulness). I don’t stop to experience, feel or God forbid, enjoy the moments. And it seems to me that’s where the personal miracle happens.
I have blessed with miracles but not the internal ones. Those I have chosen to constantly deprive myself of.
So it all comes down to what can I do right now, in this moment? And can I allow myself the process without murdering my soul because I’m not at Z?
Everything I want, the majority of things I don’t have…are material in nature and we can’t completely go without some of these things.
But what do I have right now? What are the things I can be grateful for?
I could list them and I will but not here. I will make a list. And I’ll read the damn thing everyday and I’ll add to it.
I can tell you that it’s beautiful outside right now. Sunshine, chill wind, it’s crisp. The world feels more real to me when it’s not sweltering outside.
I need to ask for help today. I need to run some errands and I have no car to do these things so I’m going to have to ask for help.
It is what it is.
Today I have been beating myself up. Someone texted me a picture from awhile back and it literally sent me into a tailspin. You can see the deformity of my body, the Lipodema.
I wanted to die of shame and embarrassment.
Even writing about it, I’m in tears.
But will I do anything about it? Will I?
Will I do anything about my financial situation?
Will I quit smoking?
Will I ever be at peace with myself?
Well…I would like to be.
I guess all I can do is try.
I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to have mental health shit. I didn’t ask to be the way I am.
But I can try to love myself within those parameters and in doing so, maybe I can break out of said parameters.
That’s all I got.
I hope you all have an amazing day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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