Right Now

So I went back to sleep. And I didn’t set my alarm and I told myself that if I when I woke up would determine my decision.

And I woke up at 8AM.

So there you have it.

Because of my history and the shame that comes with it, I struggle deeply with these kinds of things because in the past, I have been impulsive, I have been irresponsible and I have had a complete and utter lack of gratitude for the help I’ve received.

First, above all else, I am grateful. I grateful to the point it makes me overwhelmed. Love, feeling like I don’t deserve that love and yet, still accepting it and not questioning it.

Second, I had to say yes to myself this time. I had to put my past aside and I had to put myself first and ask myself what I’m capable of and what I’m not and being told day after day after day how wrong you are…having someone question you constantly on your life and pass judgement on it and give you unsolicited advice that doesn’t take into account your situation…I couldn’t do it anymore. This was not life or death but it was succeed or fail because when you are beat up constantly and you take it and you are not allowed to respond and so you swallow it because this person has power over you…you know, she was my money essentially, you get drained.

You get drained and you get exhausted and you get depressed and you become hopeless.

And I have tried. I tried so hard. And I bit my tongue constantly because you all know that Denise Motherfucking Johnson is feisty, so there were responses, most of them being, “ For the love of God, will you please just shut up. Just, for 2 seconds…shut the fuck up. Will you find someone else to pick on.”

But I didn’t say those things.

I’m glad I didn’t. If I would’ve lost it, now that would’ve been old behavior. Once I let the monster out, the monster has a way of taking over and it wouldn’t have been good.

Then I would’ve been to blame.

Then I would’ve owned a piece of this and I would’ve hurt myself in the process.

Deeply. I would’ve hurt myself deeply.

I got out of there with my dignity intact.

I got to keep my dignity even though she treated me like I had none.

The past is the past and going forward, I need to focus on who Denise is. On who I’d like her to be. I may have one day on this planet or I may have 30 years.

But each day, I need to work towards who Denise is. I’m looking forward to getting to know her.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie