I'm There, I'm Ready

Good Morning,

I always mean it when I say good morning because even if it's not for me, than I still hope it is for you, the people who support this by reading.

I hit my goal for visits to this blog for May, even went a bit over. I have a goal for this month as well but I don't get bent out of shape if I don't make it.

So to say that I have felt an increasing amount of...what, well I have felt overwhelmed. 

It's all of the stuff that comes after getting drugs and alcohol out of you and keeping them out. All the other "isms" that make me, me.

It has been utterly devastating to me to finally get a job and to not like it, to once again feel trapped in the box. The drive alone to and from work, is going to kill me or someone else when I lose it in a fire breathing expulsion of road rage.

There are things I can do.

I should tell you that I didn't go in today.

I'm sick. I'm getting better but I'm sick. Let me tell you about my day yesterday before I continue;

I have been increasingly emotional the last few days. I will cry at anything. I used to be so good at holding all of this in but I'm not anymore. It just comes.

And because of the massive amount of things that I have going on, I'm not surprised.

I have debt to pay.

We will be moving at some point and I finally did make a decision regarding that, which I'll go into, first on my YouTube channel and then here. But yes, I made a decision.

I have a business I want to start once and for all.

I have a job I don't like but am desperately trying to be grateful for. 

And all these "isms" and wanting health insurance so they can finally be addressed. Like, I'm there, I'm ready.

This may not sound like a lot, but all are fully loaded, right? They all come with a myriad of details.

When I am overwhelmed, I tend to do something self-destructive because it sets me back on the right path. My reset button has always been self-destruction.

Turns out I love myself to much to do that shit anymore and I love my people too and am not willing to put them through all that.

And so you have me here, basically trying to cope. I do have coping skills but I need to give myself a refresher.

And I thought that that's what all the tears have been about, just coming to terms with reality and the fact that I really fucking hate reality.

Nope.

Yesterday was awful. The shining point was meeting my friend Kirsten for coffee but I am kindof embarrassed because I kept breaking down into tears. She knows me though. She handled it really well. It was so good to see her. I was overcome by the fact that we have been friends since we were 5 years old, or I should say we have known each other since we were 5. The friendship started at age 8, on the first day of 3rd grade. I will never, ever, forget that day, just like I will never, ever forget the first day Lisa and I hung out.

Fucking hilarious.

I do know that for some, it's common to have life long friends and for some, not so much. I know what a blessing this is.

But yeah, I cried off and on while we talked. And then I went home and I laid on the couch and I ugly cried all afternoon.

I picked my daughter up and she was like, "Mom. I don't feel so good." We got home and puking commenced.

She slept with me which is fine. It was hot in the apartment and I don't like running both air conditioners at the same time because of the cost. I switched to the other side of the bed I usually sleep on because I wanted her to have close access to the bathroom...which, as it turns out, was prudent thinking on my part cuz she did have to go for another round or two and then one this morning. I got sick this morning. I am tired but do feel better after ralphing my guts out.

So I am going to take advantage of the day off and very slowly, and with great care and intention, try and get some things done.

And in puking, I realized that maybe that's part of what made me feel so fragile yesterday and the days leading up to it, I was sick. I was tired and sick. You all know by now how "tired" affects me.

My YouTube channel all of the sudden is garnering attention and subscribers and that? That is the good stuff for me. That means so much to me. I am so grateful.

Now I still am not a big hitter obviously, but this is the first time ever, that any of my videos have garnered more views than, like, 10 at the most.

Two of my recent shorts went over 1K views.

I don't know if this will be short lived or if it will keep going, but in this moment, I am so happy to get to experience this.

So if you are one of the people over here because you found this blog in the description section of one of my videos, welcome and thank you!!

And to the rest of you, the ones who know and get, why I do this, and who support it for the simple fact that it means so much to me...thank you. 

Blessings can be so many things, but those of you who support this...you are blessings too. and I am grateful.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie