I Complete Myself

 Well Helllooooo,

How is everyone? I am a zombie. Probably in more ways than one. No, I’m OK. Went to bed sooo sooo early last night, and kept waking up.

I took my meds at around 1, when it became clear that I wouldn’t be getting back to sleep on my own.

And thus, zombieland today.

I’m going to a celebration for National Women’s Day today, right after work. My boss invited me. 

So I had to curl my hair and plaster my face. Nothing to extreme. I mean, I’m wearing jeans. I brought some nice boots but I ain’t puttin’ them suckas on until the last minute, what with my back being shitty. 

Actually, my back is much better. But I worry, being here and sitting in this chair all day, that I shall experience a recurrence.

I’m going to walk around every hour and then also, stand every hour for like 15 minuites or so because this desk converts to standing.

Anything to avoid that pain.

I do believe that as baller as I am, we have ascertained that I don’t do well with pain. I’m a baby baller when it comes to pain.

No Jack Palance here saying, “I shit bigger than you.”

That is one of my favorite lines from a movie.

So I got the job, the next contract position. This one is a bit closer to home. The pay is…it is what it is, I don’t know how we’re gonna make it but I’m gonna try.

Time to get Willow’s Whimsy going I’d say.

Oh yes, time indeed.

This new position, I start Monday, and it’s contract to perm. The two individuals I interviewed with liked me so much, they already discussed the cost of hiring me on from the contract agency.

I am not jumping for joy yet. I will need to know if my pay will be increased upon hire and what the benefit package looks like because I need the doctor. I need the doctor bad.

But at least I have a job. No down time. Not gonna lie, the lazy ass Denise was hoping for a week off, even though the $$ thing would’ve been a bummer.

I guess I’ll take a week off when I die.

I’m going to drive out to where I’m working tonight just so I know exactly where I have to go.

Best to be prepared. 

Tomorrow night, I’m gonna go get an oil change. It’s so overdue I don’t even know how overdue it is. I’ve been dumping oil in when I remember but it’s time.

I hate stuff like this. My tabs come due in June, it never ends and I know, I know…I am singing the song of humanity.

So I watched a documentary on Netflix. It was about food. Vegan vs. not. And they did a study on identical twins. Both changed their eating habits and exercise habits but one was vegan and one was not.

They talked a lot about meat and how it’s made and how basically, things like cold cuts are horrid. Like, here, have some cancer with your dinner.

I am not in a place where I am saying I’m going to go vegan but so much of this has a huge environmental impact and I’m just like…the results of the study were amazing.

So I am going to start by trying out meat alternatives. There were several companies that have made better and better alternatives.

There are, surprisingly, a few companies that have started making gourmet vegan cheeses too. I love cheese. I’m a cheesy fucking bitch.

And I love full fat Greek yogurt and I love sour cream.

And I love dairy. 

Can you say moo?

But what these cows are doing to the environment and the impact that’s having on global warming. Not to mention that they don’t exactly live a life of comfort. 

It’s fucked up.

So first, the meat alternatives. We are going to start there. 

Also, many vegans prefer brown rice to white; it has more nutrients, etc. but it tastes like shite, not gonna lie. I despise brown rice andquinoa. I almost exclusively use Jasmine or Basmati.

And I’m still eating meat just on a much lowered scale. I probably won’t eat it unless someone is cooking for me or I go out to eat somewhere and don’t like the vegan choices. I may one steak a year. I have no idea. I have no idea how this is gonna fly.

Oh, and don’t eat fish from the “fish farms”…don’t do it. What I saw, blew my mind away. Always, always, always make sure that you are getting wild caught fish.

But one thing I’m going to cut out immediately is any kind of chicken that contains GMO’s, antibiotics, etc. 

Which means not eating it at all when I can go out, unless they guarantee of the bat, that this is the case.

The whole chicken thing blew my mind. Awful.

Humans suck.

Whatever, on with it. I’m going to try and I will note all changes.

Y’all be kept in the loop.

So something else;

I’ve alluded to the fact that I am able to see the general areas of my blog readers. Country, State and City.

City is not an exact science. Sometimes it names the bigger city but not the suburb.

Sometimes it gets the city dead on.

It’s not a big deal to me. Like, seeing the countries is what’s most exciting to me. I love that Ireland, England and Sweden feature largely in where my readers hail from.

Hail and well met!!

It’s cool.

But I bring all this up to make you aware of a few things;

One is that once again, I unpublished almost all of my posts, up until March 1. You see, someone showed up and I can think of only one person who it could be. 

This person is also viewing my LinkedIn constantly.

What was originally a reconnection that made me happy, now has me a bit freaked out if I can be honest.

Not gonna go into who it is or the situation. I’m hoping it’s not a situation and that the interest in me and what I’m doing in life, will subside.

I’m an open person, I put myself out there but it’s so not what it used to be. If I do blog about others, it’s just to say oh, I hung with this person or how much I love that person or why I celebrate them. 

You all know the only person I really ever bitch about and I am so working on that one. It’s so much better. I’ve came to a place where that person simply doesn’t matter. She’s not in my life anymore, any affects she had on me, I’ve healed. And I have reached a place where I genuinely don’t wish this person any ill will. 

I’m just relieved she’s not in my life anymore.

So I mean, I don’t want to go into the situation with this other person. Some of you can guess because I did write about it to a certain extent.

The problem is that this person found my blog by researching the google account it’s attached to and that may mean they have also found my YouTube channel.

I don’t care who sees my shit until it feels invasive and for the wrong reasons.

And that is where I’m at.

So my YouTube channel needs some attention.

I’ve disabled so many videos already on that channel, some of them because there are videos that were at the height of me still being sick and addicted and all that crap and I don’t like the reminder.

I’m a different person.

It has been my intention all along to revisit YouTube but in a new light. And I’ve mentioned too, that I want there to be a direct connection between this blog and my channel.

It’s just been finding the time; or should I say prioritizing the time.

Yeah, I don’t like it.

There’s nothing I can do about it.

But it makes me cautious.

It creates a hesitancy, which I don’t like.

I’m Denise Motherfucking Johnson. We all know this. I am single. I made horrible choices with the men in my life and so that, coupled with the affects of menopause and the cessation of a sex drive, have rendered me uninterested in sex or relationships.

I had thought maybe that would change but I didn’t care if it didn’t because giving up that lifelong belief that I would ever find “the one” and chasing that to the ends of the earth and getting pretty sick about it in the process, has brought me more peace than anything else ever did.

It’s OK not to want a relationship or sex. It’s OK to fall in love with yourself. It’s OK to be single.

I have relatively few men in my life and the ones that are there are proven over time. They never tried to turn our friendship into something else, they are honest with me, they are respectful of me. They make me laugh and they make me feel really, really safe.

There’s this idea, even still at my age, at least with some, this idea that you have to have a man in order to be complete.

Remember the train track analogy I’ve shared over the years? In regards to relationships?

So a relationship is like a train. And then the tracks are the two individuals in the relationship. Each track is independent of the other and needs to be in good working order. Now, from time to time, there may be some wear and tear on one track and the other one does some extra work, holding things together, but this is not meant to be a longterm solution. 

Each track needs to work and be in good condition for the train/relationship to run smoothly.

You look down a railroad track and it looks like the tracks eventually come together but they never do. They will always need maintenance and care for the train to run.

I no longer need another track, I just take care of me and I’m good. 

The train for me, does not carry “a man”. The train now, for me, and what I maintain my mental health for, is my children, my family, my dear friends.

These things fill my cup and my cup runneth over and let me just say again that since I gave up that chase, believing that someone else could complete me, I know peace. I know happiness, I know self-love.

Like, I’m good.

For me to even begin to consider that old train, the one I chased, it would actually have to be a new train, one founded in friendship and when feelings developed, they would be naturally occurring, not forced, they would be a surprise, they would be reciprocated and that person would have many of the same values as me; their family. If they have kids, they would have to have strong relationships with them. They would need to have good friendships and interests of their own. Maybe we’d mesh on some of those interests but it wouldn’t be a big deal to either person if we didn’t.

There would be no, “You complete me” because we’d both already be complete.

So I’m not totally closed off, I’m just not pursuing it and it’s not my end game to have a relationship.

I have genuine interest in and love for so many people. It would come out of friendship and it would be a surprise.

With every single one of my friendships, and I am blessed I know, to have wonderful ones, there is a balance between the friendships and the individuals, there is genuine interest in what is important to the other, there is a balance of care shown in hard times.

This is why my life is so good now.

And as far as sex? My sex drive was WAY too healthy, it was WAY too much. It got me in trouble because I had this body that was DTF, but a heart and a mind that said, “love me.”

There is no sex drive. Nada. Urges once in awhile but I deal with that on my own. It’s quick, it’s effective and it’s no mess, no feelings, just filling a human drive is all.

I don’t look at myself as “less than” because of this. Just the opposite. I look at myself as complete.

So I just needed to say that. 

And on that note, let’s be baller and make this day my bitch.

Have a great one, all of you.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie