Thank You

Good Morning!

Wow, it has been a whirlwind this past week.

I have been stressed and in survival mode for so long.

The puppy made me realize how inactive and unhealthy I’ve become.

I shut down very quickly between the puppy and the cat situation.

And any kind of change, be it positive or negative sends me into a spiral as it is.

I have received so much help in the past few days.

Thank you.

I had an old fashioned meltdown in spite of the help. Screaming, crying, saying FTW, I wish I was dead, I wanna die, all of it.

No problem if I’m alone but I subjected my daughter to it and that’s not OK.

The car will be fixed on Friday and the puppy is being surrendered today. I have huge guilt over this.

I want to make it clear a puppy was not in my radar. I wanted to save him and I didn’t think it through. None of us did but it doesn’t make us bad. We meant well. 

Puppies shit by the way.

They shit in the morning, they shit in the afternoon, they shit at night and they shit in between all that about 500 times. They shit when they’re hungry, they shit when they’re full. They shit when they’re barking and when they are quiet. They float in the air and shit down, they swim in the depths of the ocean and shit in it. I told my friend Jenn last night that it is now belief that every mountain ever made started out as a pile of puppy shit.

Still.

I have fallen in love with him.

He will have a chance at a much better life elsewhere.

I’ve been unable to find rides to work for the rest of the week, which means Ubers.

My daughter took me yesterday. I’m so grateful. My boss looked up a bus route but you guys, you’re talking to someone who has sunk into laziness and despair and every movement takes massive effort. In addition, I’d be brought downtown and have to walk 1.9 miles to get to my job in a very shady neighborhood.

Look, I love drug addicts, I understand drug addicts but sober, I don’t want have to deal with addicts or someone who might attack me for whatever reason. I’m an old lady scaredy cat now.

I’m going to have to see if someone can get me to Target tonight. We have no toilet paper. I will also need to rent a carpet shampooer. Puppies pee constantly too and while I was getting good at the training, I just got exhausted.

There is a lot of change needed here.

I don’t know if I can do it but I have to try. The only other alternative o see is to take a permanent vacation.

I wrote that only because these things are prevalent in my mind right now.

I’m trying, I really am, it’s just been one thing after another and then it amped up about 500% in the past week and a half and I couldn’t cope.

You all give me hope. The calls, the messages, the help; they all mean so much.

There is much healing to be done. I have to remember that it’s one thing at a time. Because of the generosity I’ve been shown, the car will be fixed on Friday. The sweet lil puppy man will be at a really good rescue today. I will borrow the money for the attorney and get the bankruptcy going. It may cost more now because of the medical bills from my hospital stay. We still don’t know what’s up with my heart but that has to be for later.

Anyways, then we quit smoking again and start exercising, eating better, doing the things that help me and then I start looking for a new job. 

Once working and having insurance again, I intend to pursue therapy and meds again.

There’s hope, there has to be.

Thank you again for everyone who has helped.

Denise