Rambo

You Up?

It’s 3:28AM. Per the norm this week, Y’girl is up. I’m going to try and get back to sleep and shall return when I wake back up.

Woke up a little after 8. Man. 

So. I think I deactivated my Facebook. I tried. I only want it shut down for the weekend.

I need to chill the fuck out. Like I’m having dreams of going Rambo. Little, chubby, old me…Rambo. Doesn’t quite match up. 

In addition to staying off my social media, I also need to stay off my phone.

It gives me agita.

I am going to do whatever I want this weekend and as selfish as this is, I’m going to allow myself to pretend that I’m ok, that this state is ok, that the country and the world are ok.

I will lose my shit if I don’t. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about dying. I’m not suicidal, no need for wellness checks. Just dying. Im trying so hard not to be fatalistic. Or dramatic. Keep in mind that I have a diagnosed mental health disorder that has BIG FEELINGS as one of its main symptoms and of those symptoms, anger being the most common.

Add to that, generalized depression and anxiety and then add to that an evil regime descending upon my neighbors; killing, abusing, torturing and well…are we really surprised that Neecie is having big feelings?

For the most part, I’ve actually gone numb. I have bouts of numbness followed by outbursts on my FB page, followed by numbness, followed by tears and visions of what they’ll do to all of us, followed by anger…you get the gist. Is it jist or gist? Looked it up, it’s gist!

Today I learned how to spell agita and gist.

I have agita, anxiety, tummy issues, you get the gist.

There you go.

Ok well anyways, yeah, the dying thing.

I’ve been making some deep dives into the what if’s. And I thought about people who are no longer in my life and I came to the conclusion that there really is only one person who, if I died, because of fighting the empire or just dropping dead of a heart attack, that I feel I owe an amends to and so I did that.

And my load feels a little lighter. There is one person I need to, not forgive, because I only bestow that on people who apologize and ask for it, but to let go of and I think I have painted her as this evil Medusa type character and if you want to know the truth, Medusa had some issues of her own, if you know the mythology. She wasn’t innocent, but she also didn’t deserve what she got.So I started by writing down some things, you know are there any good qualities? 

Because I haven’t sat down and actually given this a lot of time, so far I have only come up with one, which is that she can be hilariously funny, even wickedly so.

My goal is not to forgive, but to let go and I have talked about that many times so this doesn’t even need any more written about it for now.

So I think that energy is good energy and I think that’s a good way to have a weekend.

Sometimes when you are overwhelmed, you need to take yourself out of a situation if you can. Even the Samurai spent time each day in meditation. To think analytically and to remove emotion from situations is the best way to come up with strategy.

And so that’s gonna be the beginning of me finding my place in everything going on.

I hope you too, have a great weekend.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie