New Reality

Hello,

You guys, this month has, well I should say the last month so December and January, have been the worst months of all of this. I just cannot seem to move. Maybe one or two days I’ve had a great day and the rest is all this conundrum of depression, fear, sadness, confusion, feelings of being overwhelmed, hopeless, and helpless. It’s hard times right now.

I was talking to someone today and he said to me,” In all times of peace, it was proceeded by war and horrific acts.”

And he is so right. And it scared me all over again, but to be truthful, this is someone who has the same beliefs I do and I do not broadcast my beliefs because the bottom line is people are already convinced, and they believe what they believe. I am someone who wants to know the whole story, I am someone who wants to look at all the facts before reacting emotionally. That is something new for me, it really is. I went through DBT therapy to learn how not to react from a place of emotion But as close to analytical thinking as someone like me can get.

And that pisses everyone off unless they’re like me. There are very few people I can share this with because of the heightened beliefs and reactions in vitriol and hate.

I am scared. I am scared for people. I love and I am scared for myself. I am scared for this country. It’s OK to say that I’m scared. It’s OK to admit that to myself. False valor and bravado will not get me anywhere. There may come a time, and it may come sooner than later, that I will have to take up arms and do what I have to to protect me and mine and when I say mine, I am not just talking about my family, my property and my animals, I am talking about my friends in my community.

Man has always been at odds with man and man has always strive for power and control and glory in battle. It sends me because we are so capable of grace, love, empathy and kindness, but those are rarely traits that are celebrated. I don’t think it’s weak, I think it takes so much mental strength to error on the side of decency.

All the things going on right now are very highly charged things, they evoke emotions like fear, and I have talked about fear before and what happens when we react from that place. But none of that matters if people are unwilling to face that about themselves, none of that matters if people are unwilling to compromise on some of their beliefs, and I just don’t see that happening.

I am scared and I am worried and I am finding my place in this.

But in this time, right now, I have to survive, and I have been hanging on desperately for months now, trying to pay my rent, trying to have food, trying to pay my bills, and I need that to change. I have made peace with the fact that I will be getting a second job, and that that second job will go towards my credit card debt, my personal debt, and the one big loan that I have. And as soon as those things are paid off, I will quit my part-time job.

This has to be my focus unless I am put into a position where I have to fight and I have to fight now and I will fight if it comes to that. I will fight. I will act on the side of decency.

I am probably not going to just miraculously not be scared anymore, but I do think that what this has all done to me is not good either and that it’s almost like in a way I feel like I’m fighting for my life right now because my mental health is so bad. 

At the end of the day, as long as my kids are OK and I have my cats with me. Then nothing else fucking matters. None of it; not the debt, not an eviction, none of it.

That’s all I have today because today was yet another day of very little movement forward. And I can’t take this anymore. And the place that I am at with everything going on right now is not the place that most people are at, most people are divided, and I’m one side of the fence or the other. I am not being ambivalent, nor do I have my head in the sand. I am paying close attention. I am doing what I feel is the right thing to do, I’m taking baby steps in that, but I’m Denise and I’m just finding my place in this new reality.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie