Peepulars

 

Hello Peepulars,

Friday. At long last, Friday.

Pretty sure it's supposed to be shitty out today.

So last night was the familiar crash but I let it go because you know...I got under 5 hours of sleep the night before. If I managed to do anything before bed, it was to stay up long enough to watch the movie my daughter asked me to watch with her.

If it's them...the kids...I make the effort.

Wow, I did get enough sleep last night but I feel so wiped out this AM. Just so tired. My stomach is still bothering me too. I can't remember when this started now, this tummy discomfort.

Loud car man has started his engine for the morning. Loud car man has been here since we moved in but ever since I complained, he at least doesn't let his car sit there, loudly idling for a half hour anymore. It's usually under a minute or so before he takes off.

I can't deal with loud noises anymore; loud music (I still listen all the time but at a much lower decibel), loud voices, loud equipment, etc. I can't stand out. My sister has always been sensitive to noise but I've gotten more so as I've aged and now...when I talk to loud people on the phone, I have to put them on speaker and turn them down.

I've had a good week at work. I'm starting to "get" things. 

I will always hate the drive but I do like the people I work with; I do see why my boss hasn't been able to hold my hand as I learn...it's kind of insane and what's crazy is that this summer, it's not that busy, they are experiencing a very slow start this summer and that's not normal but it's been rainy a lot and the economy bites ass, head and hole so I'm not surprised that people aren't spending money like crazy.

But I have stayed calm through the fear that I wouldn't get how to do things, I make the drive in spite of, and now I do my affirmations while driving, that way I never miss them, and I listen to good music and I just make the most of it. Be miserable or have it be bearable.

I found a new cut through, off the highway and that has helped decreased both the there and the back, but not by much but still, everything helps.

My sister is traveling and she sent me the best pics of this place they went to and it looked magical. I need to travel...oh, wait, I am going to be traveling this winter. Yay!

Well, I better get moving. I didn't do shit yesterday for exercise and I want to get in a walk before I get ready so I hope you all have a good Friday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Love & Light,

Neecie

Floaters

 Hi guys!

Me again. Twofer today!! So I posted a short on my page and it got me thinking…about these affirmations I’m doing and how they are not a miracle cure by any means but more of a slow, subtle, change-inducing nature. You know, the last 3 days, I have been able to push myself to do the things I don’t want to, to push through the evenings so that the entire evening is not spent on the couch.

It’s not like I’m running marathons or getting a TON done each night but honestly, there have been so many nights, prior to this week, where I deflated completely. Deflation is my normal. 

But this week at least, there seems to be some relief from that.

 It’s still deflation but the leak causing said deflation must be getting smaller.

I like to picture one of those huge blowup pool toys that float and then I picture it getting punctured and it wilts down to a big pile and you slip into the water.

Hopefully you can swim.

Whatever I’m puncturing myself with, has gotten smaller. 

It’s the puncture I have to look at for, because when not punctured, the floatie floats.

So if I start mending the punctures and paying attention to what causes them, I’ll start just peacefully floating along.

All the “stuff” will become habit and at some point, it won’t feel like me pushing myself, it’ll just be what I do.

I’m cracking up because all this talk of floating makes me think of Pennywise, the original floater. Ha! 

If you know, you know!

She said floaters.

I digress.

I have a half day of PTO saved and as soon as I have 8 hours, I’m taking a paid day off.

So on the way to work, I saw a rafter of turkeys. I always look up the spiritual significance of animals I see randomly because there are no coincidences and everything has meaning and a message as far as I’m concerned.

It’s all about abundance and prosperity, gratitude and making sacrifices to allow new things to come into my life.

Wow.

That’s cool.

Maybe it was Momma, come down as a turkey to keep reminding me that all is well and all manner of things will be well.

And I mean there were like 20 of them so I feel like that represents my tribe. It’s a good one, I’m lucky!

I like that and am owning it.

Anyways, I’m so happy my daughter will be home when I get there.

As the day has progressed, I’m really feeling shitty. Tummy no good today.

And I’d get something to eat but there’s nothing nearby other than HyVee and Chipotle and I don’t want that.

So starve until I get home I guess it is.

Lord love a duck. I accidentally wrote dick and I was gonna leave it because it made me laugh but really…it’s supposed to be duck.

I hope everyone’s day is going good. 

Love you all :)

Neecie

Put It All Together

 

Good Morning,

Oh man. I am going slow this morning. I somehow managed again, last evening, to get in some exercise, meditate (which I never do in the evenings) and to take a shower. Sometimes, that's all we've got.

My daughter was gone last night and I missed her. I used to long to be alone and now I don't like it so much.

Even if we're just in the same proximity, and not really interacting, which...usually we're interacting but yeah...even just having a physical presence nearby makes me feel comfort.

I crashed again with the depression piece but I am pushing through and I think that being consistent with myself on some things is really, really helping.

I posted this short today:

This is one of the many affirmations that is spoken on the video I listen to each day on the way to work.

Do I believe that affirmations alone can save me from whatever turbulence I am experiencing? No. But I am coming to understand that it's many, many little things, done consistently, and that's they key word here, consistency, but yeah...they all add up and make a difference.

I see it, I'm living it and yes, I'm still depressed, I'm still struggling through each day but the last two days at least, have been a bit better, there's been sun peaking through the clouds.

That's why I do all this "stuff."

Some of it's physical, some of it's mental...put it all together, keep doing it and believe.

Those are my tools.

But today, this morning, I didn't have too much in me so I have to go.

Two more days.

Two more days and then...some relief.

I don't have any plans for this weekend and I think that's OK.

I would like to see my friend Tracy. She lives so close by. I miss her.

Alright guys, I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Rising From Lethargy

Good Morning!

How is everyone? It's hump day. Although I'll be sad to get a really small check a week from Friday (for not going in on Monday), it was worth it.

I have these crashes. And I was sick, which by the way, both my daughter and I were fine. It was a 24 hour thing for both of us. We didn't eat the same things that day, so I'm assuming it was a fast acting norovirus situation.

There is so much going around. My daughter seems to get sick a lot. She works in the food industry serving so I guess I'm not surprised.

But so very glad it wasn't a long, dragged out kind of thing.

I managed to rise from my lethargy after work in spite of the horrific drive home. I honestly don't know what happened because the road outside of my work is like a county road and it's never been a problem getting on it to go home until about two weeks ago and now, it's backed so far up, I have to turn in the opposite direction and cut through residential roads, which of course makes the drive even longer than it already is.

There are too many people on this damn planet.

The planet isn't "damn", all the people are, lol.

Anyways, yeah, I got home and I ate dinner. I didn't have time to make my breakfast and dinner yesterday so I ate when I got home. I fought the urge to go buy something for lunch because I'm trying so hard to get my budget to work...and somehow I managed not to eat.

So made some dinner, did the dishes, went for a walk...nothing earth shattering and I didn't go hard but after that, I gave myself a facial and took a shower.

I mean, for me man, that's fucking something. 

This morning I've taken a walk, put the clean dishes in the washer, away.

At the end of the day, I made my step goal, I got in 64 oz of fluids for the day and I was able to pick my daughter up from work and then go right to bed. 

I'm out of edibles so I decided to give it a shot without them. Each pouch of edibles I get, are 20 bucks each and have 10 edibles in them. So I'm trying to go 10 nights with and then I wait until the next paycheck to grab more, so I'll go tonight and tomorrow night without and then back on.

They do help, I know that. But they aren't perfect, nothing has been.

I still need to meditate, get dressed, all that good stuff and then throw something to eat together because I don't want to make a habit of the not eating all day thing.

I seem to be on the upswing from the weird cycling depression thing that happens to me. I'm tired but I do feel better.

And the rain has stopped and the sun is out and the smell from the fires up in Canada have dissipated.

I felt bad because I didn't want to run the air since it was cooler outside and of course, with all the smoke from Canada, I worried about the cats with the window open (I had a fan in the window) but they seem to be OK.

My job was OK yesterday. I do feel bad for my boss. Her pup got really, really sick last weekend, I guess she wasn't in on Monday either and she wanted to leave early yesterday to work from home and stuff kept coming at her. She did get out finally, around 1. She usually leaves around 2 so I guess that's something but yeah, I felt bad.

Ok, well it's 10 after 6, so I better go meditate and power through the next 50 minutes.

Posted this one yesterday. As ever, thank you for the higher views, the new subscribers, etc. Please like, subscribe, hit the notification bell and comment if you would. You make my day everyday!!

I hope you guys have a great day.

I wish you energy and motivation and happiness.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie 

Smell the Smoke

Good Morning,

Geez, so early but still not enough time.

I don't even know how much sleep I got, does it even matter anymore? Cuz it pretty much always sucks. I feel OK.

I guess that's what matters. So I was OK yesterday too and I was able to get some stuff done. My daughter felt much better by the end of the night and so she was able to eat and hopefully will be able to go in to work today.

I am able to go in to work today. No fun, no fun. It's fucking raining again. Nooooooo.

I mean, it's cooler, way cooler, than it was yesterday so there's that but I need a good week of sunshine to recover from whatever this bizarre episode of the blues is.

I think it's seasonal fucking affective disorder but it's affecting me now because we've had more days of rain and gloom than sun.

Whatever. I got up this morning, I went for a walk, I meditated, I'm uploading a video as we speak and I uploaded one yesterday:

More subscribers yesterday and that made me cry too. Everything makes me cry. 

Thank you.

So can you all smell the smoke from the Canadian fires? It's bad. I slept with a fan in the window to cool things down and yeah, it was nice temperature wise but I woke up practically choking from the smoke and smell of it.

Awful.

I guess maybe they're not getting the rain we are? These fires though, the last couple years.

No bueno.

I have nothing profound or positive to say. I have nothing negative to say. In spite of feeling better, I also feel tired and crabby now that I've been sitting here for a minute.

I'm going to go make my food for the day and get going...

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

 

I'm There, I'm Ready

Good Morning,

I always mean it when I say good morning because even if it's not for me, than I still hope it is for you, the people who support this by reading.

I hit my goal for visits to this blog for May, even went a bit over. I have a goal for this month as well but I don't get bent out of shape if I don't make it.

So to say that I have felt an increasing amount of...what, well I have felt overwhelmed. 

It's all of the stuff that comes after getting drugs and alcohol out of you and keeping them out. All the other "isms" that make me, me.

It has been utterly devastating to me to finally get a job and to not like it, to once again feel trapped in the box. The drive alone to and from work, is going to kill me or someone else when I lose it in a fire breathing expulsion of road rage.

There are things I can do.

I should tell you that I didn't go in today.

I'm sick. I'm getting better but I'm sick. Let me tell you about my day yesterday before I continue;

I have been increasingly emotional the last few days. I will cry at anything. I used to be so good at holding all of this in but I'm not anymore. It just comes.

And because of the massive amount of things that I have going on, I'm not surprised.

I have debt to pay.

We will be moving at some point and I finally did make a decision regarding that, which I'll go into, first on my YouTube channel and then here. But yes, I made a decision.

I have a business I want to start once and for all.

I have a job I don't like but am desperately trying to be grateful for. 

And all these "isms" and wanting health insurance so they can finally be addressed. Like, I'm there, I'm ready.

This may not sound like a lot, but all are fully loaded, right? They all come with a myriad of details.

When I am overwhelmed, I tend to do something self-destructive because it sets me back on the right path. My reset button has always been self-destruction.

Turns out I love myself to much to do that shit anymore and I love my people too and am not willing to put them through all that.

And so you have me here, basically trying to cope. I do have coping skills but I need to give myself a refresher.

And I thought that that's what all the tears have been about, just coming to terms with reality and the fact that I really fucking hate reality.

Nope.

Yesterday was awful. The shining point was meeting my friend Kirsten for coffee but I am kindof embarrassed because I kept breaking down into tears. She knows me though. She handled it really well. It was so good to see her. I was overcome by the fact that we have been friends since we were 5 years old, or I should say we have known each other since we were 5. The friendship started at age 8, on the first day of 3rd grade. I will never, ever, forget that day, just like I will never, ever forget the first day Lisa and I hung out.

Fucking hilarious.

I do know that for some, it's common to have life long friends and for some, not so much. I know what a blessing this is.

But yeah, I cried off and on while we talked. And then I went home and I laid on the couch and I ugly cried all afternoon.

I picked my daughter up and she was like, "Mom. I don't feel so good." We got home and puking commenced.

She slept with me which is fine. It was hot in the apartment and I don't like running both air conditioners at the same time because of the cost. I switched to the other side of the bed I usually sleep on because I wanted her to have close access to the bathroom...which, as it turns out, was prudent thinking on my part cuz she did have to go for another round or two and then one this morning. I got sick this morning. I am tired but do feel better after ralphing my guts out.

So I am going to take advantage of the day off and very slowly, and with great care and intention, try and get some things done.

And in puking, I realized that maybe that's part of what made me feel so fragile yesterday and the days leading up to it, I was sick. I was tired and sick. You all know by now how "tired" affects me.

My YouTube channel all of the sudden is garnering attention and subscribers and that? That is the good stuff for me. That means so much to me. I am so grateful.

Now I still am not a big hitter obviously, but this is the first time ever, that any of my videos have garnered more views than, like, 10 at the most.

Two of my recent shorts went over 1K views.

I don't know if this will be short lived or if it will keep going, but in this moment, I am so happy to get to experience this.

So if you are one of the people over here because you found this blog in the description section of one of my videos, welcome and thank you!!

And to the rest of you, the ones who know and get, why I do this, and who support it for the simple fact that it means so much to me...thank you. 

Blessings can be so many things, but those of you who support this...you are blessings too. and I am grateful.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

A Faery Fun Day!!

Good Morning Loves,

How are you all doing this beautiful Sunday morning?

I hope you are well rested and feeling some happiness.

My "whatever it is" kicked in and this morning, I'm just crying. Wah, wah, wah.

I'm becoming so hyper aware of myself these days. My mood swings, the depression when it hits...just...my Denise'isms.

Of which, my friends, there are many.

But, I suppose if you want to be positive about it, it makes me unique and unapologetically myself.

Yes, the truth is out, I'm "special."

I both need and want to try and do something today to make it worth going back to the work grind tomorrow.

Most of us have to do this, I get it. 

Still a grateful motherfucker here.

How come when we get old, do our noses get ginormous. Is that gravity?

Me no like.

Ok, well, yesterday. And many of you who are on my FB and read this on the regular, do know by now and may have thought of this already, is that a really good day for me, is usually followed quickly by a spin down.

So whatever the hell that is, yeah, it could be why I feel so tired and sad this morning.

But I did have a fantastic day. 

I went out to a faerie festival with a little girl, a daughter of a friend of mine. I miss having littles. I miss the good part of it; the joy, the wonder, the acceptance of everything around you and the possibility that magick is real.

I love the exuberance and the silliness, I love it all.

I am at an age where I give no fucks, so if I'm interested in checking things out, I'll go by myself but I love having someone to go with me to do these things too.

My sister came out with me to como zoo the other weekend and I loved it.

So when I thought if there were any kids I could potentially bring, that made me so happy when her mom said yes.

Of course, with kids, you have to spend money and I didn't go nuts. I knew what I had to spend and I stuck to that but I was able to get her a trinket or two and to get her some cotton candy, or fairy floss, as the fey call it!!

It was magical. They did a great job with this little event and every kid I saw looked so happy. It made me so happy.

I got her some Mickey D's and went back to my place after so she could see me daughter as they love each other very much and don't get to see each other often.

So so so sweet to see my daughter interacting with her, how kind she is and attentive and it made my heart feel so happy.

And now I'm crying.

LMAO, what is my major malfunction?

Anyways, the drive out to the festival was about a 45 minute drive, then we came back and we're here for about an hour. I took my friend's daughter to the park. Then we all got in the car, I drove my daughter to work, dropped off my fairy partner at her dad's, came home for about an hour, then drove out to the airport, which is just under an hour drive, picked up my other daughter and her hubby, drove them home, which is also over an hour drive, then drove home, which is about a half hour from them.

My ass hurts.

It was a day of doing for others and I'm OK with that. 

My sissy left today and will be gone for almost a month.

I'm just praying she has a safe trip and a really wonderful time.

I will miss her greatly.

Wish my Beast could come out and see me.

Well...here is the video of our special day.

If you would, please give it a thumbs up, please subscribe to my channel, hit the notification bell and comment.

My numbers, for me, have been going up and it's humbling and exciting and all that. I cannot say thank you enough.

It means so much to me.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie