The Bitch is Back & She Is Pissed

Good Morning,

Here I am…at work…at least on time this morning. I’ve been late now twice in the 3+ months I’ve been working but that can’t become the norm.

So here I am.

Yesterday, it was incredibly busy which it’s usually not, in fact it’s been so dead, I’ve been bored out of my mind.

I don’t like it as busy as it was yesterday but I also don’t like it not busy at all.

Anyways, I am just beside myself. My son is going to make an appointment to surrender the puppy today. It makes me want to die inside. It’s not fair.

But I can’t do this and if I can’t do it, then it’s not fair to the puppy either.

He and I are so bonded. It happened SO quickly.

It’s not fair. I don’t care if I sound like a victim. This isn’t right. He has people who love him and would care for him if only…fucking money.

I get to go through the 5 stages of grief and loss now.

But I also know it’s not all about me.

I don’t want to hear anyone say that he’ll be fine, that he’ll end up with someone who will be able to better provide for him, and love him just as much, etc.

I fucking love him.

My daughter and I took him for a pup cup this morning and were of course, sobbing.

I’m not mad at all at the person who got the puppy, I’m mad at the person who chose not to provide all the facts so that the person who got the puppy could’ve made an informed decision. The person got the puppy out of love and an ability to care for the puppy based on what he knew to be facts and now his life is turned upside down too and this is his loss as well.

So yeah…not gonna lie, there is some anger here and I am assigning blame.

It was an impulsive decision but even so, like I said, the person was not armed with a full knowledge of certain facts.

This has broken me for all the reasons and I was already fragile.

So to anyone who bothers to read this anymore, it blows me away that people don’t, because they know it’s all here…you know, what’s going on with me in a given moment.

But know this…I refuse to speak about this to anyone who is going to try and give me the whole, “it’s for the best bullshit.”

Fuck the best.

You’re telling me fuck love. You’re telling me love doesn’t matter and that what I have to give isn’t enough.

So just know, I only need people to honor that I’m in pain over this, that I’m in pain for another person, for a couple people, ya know? And I don’t want to hear practical arguments.

We are hurting over this.

We are hurting for all involved; people close to us, the puppy and ourselves and I don’t want to talk about this unless you are just going to support me, I don’t want to hear the stupid arguments, I already know them.

I promised, when I got Grey, that I would never abandon an animal I willingly chose to love. And although she spent time away from me, I got her back as soon as I was able.

Mocha has remained with me. She is my cat with a touch of the tiz as I like to say and I love her for all her quirks. I think people think I don’t love her as much as I love Grey and Pumpkin, but I do. She has come out of her shell in the last year or so too and when she comes for love, cuddles and snuggles, she gets them, she is adored and you all know how I feel about Pumpkin.

And you all know that in large part due to my borderline personality shit, I still carry my childhood abandonment issues with me, though I have worked through a lot of that. But when I feel like I’m abandoning someone or something, I feel evil, like my dad and my stepmonster…because I don’t take my responsibilities as a decent human lightly.

And our sweet, American Icon, our beloved Dolly has gone on to rest forever, hopefully reunited with the family and husband she so loved.

It’s too damn much right now.

Well, hi angry Denise, it’s been awhile. How are you? Not well, I see.

I’ll get through this my own way.

Islands in the stream, that is what we are.

And we rely on each other.

So…because I have learned to accept so much bullshit, I will come to a place of acceptance with this but I resent this lesson. I didn’t ask for this lesson.

I’ll focus on loving my people and I get loved in return…that’ll help too.

Sobbing at my desk is just something my coworkers will need to live with for awhile.

My boss is stellar.

She brought in a ton of baby clothes, some brand new for my daughter of the heart (my daughter’s bestie) who is pregnant and then yesterday, she brought an unopened box of diapers for her. She’s been incredibly supportive of me as I navigate my hurt and worry for a loved one and for the unexpected loss of this puppy.

So now I know why I was put here…in this particular job.

I’ve been asking…because money.

And we shall end there and I may take a few days.

Have a good one.

Love & Light,

Neecie