61 Beautiful Degrees

Good Morning!

And it is, it is. It is freakin' beautiful outside. 61 degrees at the moment. I do NOT have the A/C on. I have the windows open. I can smell the fresh air and hear the breeze moving through the trees.

Glorious.

I'm going to go for a walk in a bit. I have SO much to do today. Just so much. 

I am tired but bearably so. No meds again. I had a rough night, kept waking up. Lots and lots of dreams though I don't remember a single one. My brother, one of my half brothers, was in one of them and a friend, or used to be friend, was in another. She was yelling and crying and screaming but I don't remember about what.

So, just fleeting fragments.

My resting heart rate has gone back down to 51 and my sleeping heart rate seems to have gone down to an average of 43-45, which is excellent.

I do think my elevated heart rate and blood pressure were from the THC I was taking to sleep. Because I have taken so many things since and bp and rhr have gone WAY back down.

So these are good things. As I stated yesterday, I did light some palo santo and talked to mom. I also talked to dad, and my bio dad and his mother, who I never got to meet. I cried and I said all the things.

It was good to get it out. One of the things the antidepressants do to me, is to dumb down my feelings. This can be both a blessing and a curse.

So to be able to really cry and feel it...it was healing.

So back to the sleep thing; I'm wondering, ya know if I hit it hard on Saturdays, can I take the meds just on Saturday night to get in the hours I need? Just once a week? I haven't made a decision on that.

It's taken 3 days for me, without the meds, to wake up feeling awake and not like I'm walking through some kind of muddy fog.

I'm not feeling much like going back to that place.

I'm finding that mental health truly is a game of balance, trial and error.

You have to be willing to get through the error part.

My Grey, my little beloved Familiar, is amazing to me. She has become much more cuddly in terms of laying next to me at night. I think she see's how Pumpkin is when she comes in. She has stopped losing weight. She was a healthy 9 pounder for most of her life and age has somewhat decreased her appetite so she went down to 6lbs and has hovered between 6 and 6.2lbs. 

She still plays when she's so motivated, she still jumps, although yesterday she attempted a jump and didn't make it.

I try to spend time with each of the cats. My little Mocha  has started coming and asking for love and so I give her as much as she wants. She's much more aloof than the other two but she loves love. She is my awkward little girl and I adore her.

I still think of Pumps as a baby, even though technically, she's a teenager.

The joy that girl has brought to my life is...well it was totally unexpected. I'm obsessed.

Anyways, work. Yeah so, I'm sometimes afraid to say to much, lest my blog and my YouTube channel be found out. 

It's not bad, not anymore. All the ick from the starting point, it was because it was unknown and I was intimidated. I really like these people. I guess for me, it's still the drive. It's their family dynamic. These are good people, they really are. It's just that my relationships are all so very healthy now. I am healthy now, much healthier than I used to be...Gods know.

Yesterday, trying to get any work done was awful. And the clock was sooo slow; Tick........Tick......Tick. Torture. I left early. I just...man.

But I think now...I'm gonna go for a walk, it's just to too beautiful not to.

And so...I bid you a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Momma

Hello,

Good morning and all that. The temps are slowly going down. We had a true spring and much the same for summer, albeit much more rain than usual. I’ll take it though. It’s not usual for everything to be as rich and lush green by this time of year. Usually, lawns that are not cared for have turned brown and patchy.

So it’s been two nights with no sleeping meds and two mornings having gotten in good sleep. I do think my body is detoxing from the meds though. I am still feeling the “dragging” sensation in the morning but much less so. 

This week, while not doing much else, I have forced myself to at least do my AM and PM skin and hair care routines and I have taken a shower every day. For awhile, even getting in the shower was a task of epic proportions. 

So this next week, I’ll push it further.

Today marks two years since our beautiful momma left us.

I wrote a post on FB about that day but on here, I just want to celebrate her legacy. She was a very funny person but also very practical and she wouldn’t want huge, emotional post. To that she’d say, “Oh Neecie.”

I miss her. She was always the calm in the midst of my storms.

I shouldn’t have put her there but when I was little, I had no idea I was doing that and when I became an adult, it was a part of my process and it took me almost to the end to get past that, although I did start laying off the emotional neediness before that.

Anyways, she was everything to me. She was everything to my brother and sister too, along with Dad. Mom always put us first, except when we little and at Church, pleading to home after the service. Then she ignored us, lmao!!!

She was the quintessential Pastor’s wife. She was much loved. In fact, I would say that to know mom was to love mom, whether she was your mom, your grandma, your sister, your child, your friend or your pastor’s wife.

Just love. We are all made one of a kind, but Mom, she was the best. Her mold was of the highest quality. 

Sigh.

I love you Mom. I miss you every single day. I cherish your visits when they come.

I wish I could go home and cry but I will cry tonight and say some words of love and gratitude and I will light some incense so that the smoke will carry my words and gratitude to her.

Be Blessed Peeps.

Hug your loved ones today.

Love & Light,

Neecie

At What Cost?

 

Good Morning!

I am so sorry for the lack of posting. You guys, yeah, I've been sleeping. Majorly sleeping. But I'm paying for it.

The combination of drugs they gave me does knock me out, but I can't get up in the morning. I stayed home yesterday because I was so out of it, I was afraid to drive.

So...sleep...but at what cost? I didn't take them last night and what do you know? I was able to get up.

I give up.

Not on the depression meds but on the sleep thing. I am throwing in the towel and accepting that this is a part of my life I will have to deal with.

There is a lot to write about but I'm still dealing with the after affects of these drugs so I'm gonna go get ready for work and then I'll maybe blog tonight.

I am OK. I've just pulled deep inside trying to keep things going.

Trying to keep planting one foot in front of the other.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Copacetic

 

Good Morning,

Big Sigh. Nothing bad, just a sigh. Ok, so broken record time. These meds? The depression meds are working but brought on anxiety.

The sleeping meds are working, I got 8 hours in but little deep sleep. I wake up like a zombie. I don't stay in zombie mode but I do stay tired, lazy and unmotivated. 

Surprisingly, the only place I shine is at work.

They trust me. They believe in me.

There are many days where I want to do the lazy thing and ignore my work but I push through that now. I really am in a place where I'm just grateful.

So...my daughter is gone for the weekend. I'm all alone. I keep thinking of that song, All By Myself....lol. Now you have that in your head too.

I have no plans. I am just going to be and do what comes to my mind.

I have at least taken all my supplements and SnapChatted with my girls. We have a streak. They are the only ones I do that with. Otherwise, it would become tedious.

Tedious is no fun.

Alright, well dahlings, a short but sweet one.

All is well and copacetic.

And so on that note, I say I'll "see" you all tomorrow.

Have a wonderful Saturday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

QuickBooks

Good Morning darlings,

Oh dear. I’m sure my post yesterday was a bit much but the sheer horror of it…I was compelled to share. This morning was better. More normal.

So this morning was so cute. As you know, Pumpkin usually comes to see me in the morning. Shell paw at my face until I give her love and then she plunks down by my face and the purring begins. Sometimes she sticks around briefly, others she’ll actually fall asleep curled comfortably into me. My daughter slept with me last night and she got to see this play out. It literally happens every morning. But then we got up and she offered to get us coffee and I was not going to say no to that so off we went. I love these kinds of mornings. 

I’ve been sleeping in lately, trying desperately to adjust to all these new meds. I finally picked up the most recent and um…no driving in that one. Totally out of it within minutes of taking it.

So I’m now learning Quickbooks which makes me really happy. 

It’ll make me more marketable.

Right now I’m putting estimates, invoices and payments in. I have to read the instructions each time lest I forget a step.

Yeah, I’m good for today.

My Italian Rose called me and I can’t wait to go see her. Ah luf you Deneese.

I love you too Rose.

Ok signing off for the day. I hope you have a great afternoon/evening.

Be Blessed.

Love and Light,

Neecie

Sh*t M’pants

Hello.

I am going to warn you up front, I am going to talk about number two in graphic detail.

So I will not be offended if you need to back away from the blog. Go quickly because there will be details.

This morning, I’m in my car. I’m in my car to have a smoke. I go a lot in the mornings as my regular readers know. IBS. So I’m in my car and I start cramping up. I almost always can hold on until I get to a toilet. But this one started pushing out as soon as the cramping started and I’m like, “Oh my God, no.” I’m in my nightgown and I have no underwear on.

And it keeps pushing through. I get out of my car and it’s slowly coming out as I walk/run. Same as I go up the stairs, into my apartment and down the hall to my daughter’s bathroom because it’s the closest.

I sit on the toilet just as the lava literally pushes itself out of me. It’s a mud bath. It’s everywhere. I take my nightgown off and I can feel poop getting on me.

I won’t go into wiping because it was a shit show, in every way a shit show can be a shit show. As soon as I’m done, I get up and go straight into the shower because I reeked.

I get out and go back and clean the toilet. It was bad. But then, I notice a poop on the bathroom floor, then another one. Then I see one in the hallway back the way I came in. There was one by the door. I cleaned all these up, got dressed and out the door.

As I’m going down to my car, there are pooplets in the hallway, pooplets on the stairs and pooplets on the sidewalk.

No. I did not clean them up. I was afraid my ass would be late to work.

It is the most disgusting, helpless feeling. It’s against nature.

You try and suck your buttcheeks together but it keeps coming.

Horrible. Absolutely. Horrible.

That was my morning.

The stuff of nightmares.

So apparently, my IBS is changing yet again. I have family members who have had this experience but more so than I because mine doesn’t usually just happen like that.

Just. Please, no.

I had more to blog about but that trauma is haunting me still and I think I just need to move on with my day.

I hope you all have a great day as well as healthy, NORMAL bowel movements.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Freakin’ Weekend

Hello dahhhhlings,

A weekend with no blog eh? I’m finding it boring, lol.

And I was busy. What a weekend.

It was a weekend of receiving. 

I’m kind of blown away by my Saturday.

Started the day out with a bestie convo.

I was tired per the norm and had gotten a couple things done when I left to get new tires. A friend of mine had seen that were pretty much down to the wires, no tread. And this friend offered to get me new ones so we met at Discount Tires. An entire set of four was purchased. I’m blown away at how much better my car drives; breaking and steering. It’s nuts.

Then, my sister had called and I was glad she did because I had forgotten all about our plans to meet a childhood friend for dinner. Said friend had offered to pay for me because she really wanted to see me too. It was fun and funny. We had a good time.

My sister had been out with another friend a few nights before and they had done some shopping and my sister wanted to return some of what she bought. So we were looking around at things and ooing and awing.

My sister tried some things on and then she made me try a shirt on that I really liked but it was too big!!! It was a large. I was so happy about that. Well she grabbed this other one we liked and it was a medium and it fit. This store is one I probably wouldn’t go into just because I could tell it was above my budgetary abilities, lol. They had some really pretty things, some I guess I’d sort of call bohemian. Love that store. Anyways, my sister bought me the shirt!

I have it on today. It’s so pretty. The material is really soft.

These things mean so much to me.

The thing is too, even if I lose weight, it’s the kind of shirt you can still wear.

And you know, it’s not just about the shirt, it’s about the time spent with my sister. Our relationship is so solid and so good. I’m just so grateful.

So it was a day of receiving. The kindness of others comes with a whole bunch of positive feelings.

Sunday, I actually took it slow and cleaned the dishes, did some laundry, put away SOME of it, lol. I got the old litter thrown out and scrubbed the kitty boxes and put in fresh litter for my sasses.

I showered, gave myself a facial. It was nice.

Relaxing.

I sadly didn’t sleep well last night and my tummy is poopy and I’m tired. But I made it to work on time.

And I’ll stay all day and go home and see what I can muster myself up to do.

There is a plan, there is always a plan but I think, the plan might not happen .

Not if it’s 8:51 and I’m already exhausted. 

But I shall see.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Nails

Good Morning!

So I slept through my alarm and got up just in time. I actually made it out the door early and I’m glad I did because my son called me and we had one of our hilarious conversations. I don’t know, man, the gods gave that kid an extra dose of hilariousness!!

So that was a great way to start the day.

And in all honesty, my boss and I have been talking all morning and she showed me this hilarious Instagram video. But now it is time to get to work, ha ha.

I have to say that, in spite of the things I struggled with in the beginning, I actually do enjoy this job and like the people. I don’t know, I can relate to them. Especially my boss.

I got paid today so I can finally get some nails. Anything to stop what I’ve been doing to myself. I had hoped that maybe getting on meds would help with this, but it has not helped at all. That doesn’t mean it’s not working, it is working for the depression, which is a huge relief. And at this point, I seem to be working through the anxiety. The next step for me is energy and motivation. I think I might have to kick my own ass on that one a little bit.

Anyways, I hope you have a great day.

Be blessed.

Love and light,

Neecie

Surgical Removal

Hello!!!

I have had some good days and I hope the same for you.

I’ve had little to nothing to do at work, so I’ve been chatting away with my boss and laughing and last night, I called my old boss and dear friend Lisa and we laughed and laughed and caught up. She moved back home a couple years ago, way up north and I’m gonna go up there for a weekend hopefully next month. It’s about a 3.5 hour drive.

Something to look forward to and my sister and I are taking a weekend trip in October.

All good things.

So. You all know my picking problem? I took it to a new level and did some damage and now I’m going to have to see an ENT.

Oops.

I need to get fake nails ASAP. It’s not from picking my nose so to speak, it’s trying to get something OUT of my nose…nasal polyps.

I woke up this morning with my throat almost swollen shut and hacked up a huge goob of black, bloody pieces.

I just can’t deal with things that feel weird.

I have to find out if I need a referral to see a specialist or if I can just make an appointment.

They will have to be surgically removed. The risk for infection is high with this one.

I know it’s a hard thing for people to understand. I can’t just stop. It’s an OCD thing. 

The only thing that has ever stopped it in its tracks is fake nails because the acrylic makes my nails to thick to be able to pick.

So…this one has become a nonnegotiable.

Just no, no, no more of this.

My electric bill this month is 3 times what it usually is. I got this. I know we’ll be okay.

Winter? Bring it!!

Or at least an early fall.

Please?

I need an oil change too and someone offered to get me new tires when they saw mine.

Again, I’m so very grateful!!

Just so grateful because I can’t do these extra but necessary things yet. 

I just can’t.

But I know we will be okay and that we’ll make it through all of this.

I decided that I’m going to continue minimum payments plus interest on all but the lowest balance card. I’ll throw more money at that and once it’s paid off, I’ll hit the next one and that’s how we’ll deal with this.

If it works, it works and if not, I’ll figure something else out.

I got this!!

Okie, I hope you have a great day!!

Be blessed. 

Love & Light,

Neecie

When Someone Shows You Who They Are

Good Morning,

Ohhhh. Yeah, tired. But not quite as much as the past week or so, so there's that.

I was in bed and asleep by 8:30 last night.

Restless from about 3 until wakeup time but I do feel rested. It's more of like...a body tired.

I had nothing to do at work yesterday and I fear today will be more of the same. It's hard, those days because you are counting by the minutes, instead of the hours.

I woke up to some wonderful things. Someone commented on one of my shorts and it was exactly the kind of comment that gives me inspiration.

Then, I saw my sister had texted me last night saying, "I love you." And then my bestie messaged me saying, "I love you so much."

So this morning, the message seems to be that I am cared about and loved.

Thank you.

My daughter saw someone that I worked with over 20 years ago at her work the other day. This person, I've seen her maybe a handful of times since then. 

And she commented to my daughter about my posts and then conspiratorially leaned in and said, "she's not using is she?" My daughter said no, clean and sober and doing well.

And then this person said, "Oh, that's great. I was just asking because...well, you know."

My daughter was offended but played it off.

I don't deal with people who don't know me anymore. Because that one statement poo poo's all the growth.

Delete.

I honestly don't care about what anyone thinks of me because I'm not wallowing in shame anymore. And I have an amazing turn off switch now.

I have a very low tolerance for bullshit now. And I don't often just delete people. But she crossed a line with my kid and clearly chooses to focus on what was, as opposed to what is now.

Something like that...with my kid, yeah, don't need that in my life and she doesn't either.

Others...there are things that lead up to that. It's not just one thing. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Enough said.

But I'm OK. I have a lot of hope that maybe all this sleeping is me catching up after 5 or so years of little to no sleep, it's been a struggle and now...I'm getting some. I get enough, or close to enough, sleep more often that not in the past few weeks so maybe I'm just adjusting and healing.

My other daughter saved me yesterday. She works at a bank and told me how I can make cash deposits after hours so I called my bank and sure enough...so that's a big thing off my shoulders. No more having to leave work early to get to the bank.

Thank you lovely daughter!!

Ok, well, I better get going. 

The mad dash is on.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Debbie Downer

Hi Everyone,

Sorry for the break, I needed it.

I slept on and off all day Sunday and I made it to work yesterday and was actually OK but this lethargy I'm having is off the charts.

The meds I'm taking really worked last time around but this time...they have helped with the depression but yet, I'm still so tired and I have anxiety now; like, real anxiety where your heart just won't stop beating fast and you're in fight or flight mode.

I'm trying to find a bank that's open extra hours because I can't get to my bank ever, unless I take time off.

They aren't open on the weekends either.

I have cash and I need to pay my electric bill but no damn way to make it to the bank.

It's frustrating.

There's always some challenge, which drives me cuckoo.

How about no challenges for a bit?

Anyways, I'm OK, just trying to figure things out. I have to get gas this morning, ugh.

Literally, always something.

I'm just bitching. I will do all these things. I will figure them out.

Just so tired.

So, so tired.

Anyways, here's my latest affirmation, which not surprisingly...is that I can overcome any challenge.

Thanks for watching. I look like a dumkopf.

Have a great day you guys.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Universe Likes Me

 Hello All Y’all,

My God, happy Friday!!

I worked hard to get here this week. It’s probably a good thing. I didn’t write this blog earlier this morning.

I have no idea how much sleep I got because I think my Fitbit is pooping out and yes, I had put the damn thing back on.

This would be a prime example of the universe doing for me what I cannot.

I will not be purchasing another.

I have no idea how I slept last night. I woke up probably around two and was restless the rest of the night. I had forgotten to set my alarm, but thankfully, I woke up before six.

The universe continues to give me messages of hope. Yesterday, on the way to work, I saw a swan again in flight. And I thought of my mama.

Again, this month I had no idea how I was going to make rent. And again, someone surprised me without asking, and without writing about it anywhere, with a gift of money.

It was a gift, I was not asked to return it.

And that my friends, is humbling. I really truly believe with all my heart that the only reason these little miracles are happening for me, and actually, I shouldn’t call them little because they are all huge, is because I’m finally trying to do the right thing financially.

Things were to the point where I was going to apply for another loan, just a small one, but still, it would’ve meant more coming out of the budget.

And at least for this month, at this time, I do not have to do so.

And while I am still smoking, I am smoking because someone gifted me a carton of cigarettes. Again, without me asking.

Haven’t gone through all the doctors visits and tests, etc., I do know that it’s time.

It’s time to put those motherfuckers down for good.

So I sit in gratitude right now and faith once again. This gift came after I had decided not to do the loan application. I was going to try to figure something out, but the universe took care of me and the person who gifted me this took care of me. 

God, for the gods, or the universe, or whatever the collective consciousness is, continues to provide.

And I am grateful.

TGIF!!

Enjoy your day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie