A Quiet Place

 

Good Morning,

Just haven't had it in me to blog.

I'm not sure even what to write about anymore. 

This week's affirmation is, I am resilient.

And if nothing else, I got this one.

I have stuff to figure out quick.

Really quick.

And because I'm a resilient mf'er, I'll do that.

I also have to get some kind of life.

You guys, it's back to the slugging it on the couch.

I am so tired, I really don't want to do anything. Nothing at all.

Nada.

Just getting to work seems to be all I can pull out of myself.

Geez.

So I mean, I'm not a total Debbie downer but all I want is a quiet place where I can veg out for a couple days.

I'm too tired to do anything else.

That's not me giving up, it's just me saying...man.

Some days I don't know how I keep going, other that I somehow put myself into autotron mode and just do it.

But look for some changes soon, I am going to try.

What I'm doing right now is not living a full life. It's surviving, not thriving.

Need to pull up my positivity panties.

Sooooo.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Resilient AF

 Hi Guys,

I mean, it’s 8:34 and it’s already been a day. I’m ok…weepy. I only got 3 hours of sleep last night, so many storms and anxiety about money but just having faith.

Then, it was a pooping morning. IBS full tilt boogie, like…it’s in. I almost crapped my pants in the way to work and I got here and I’m not gonna go into detail but I basically had to listen to the most hateful, racist diatribe.

And I couldn’t escape and I’m still having to go to the bathroom and I finally said as much and my God, she blew.

Whatever.

There is so much hate in the world. 

My sensitive heart can’t deal with it.

I fear the price we will all be paying.

I think everything is heavier today because I’m exhausted, running in empty.

It’s ok.

I’m ok.

Not trying to convince myself because I really am ok, just tired out. 

I’ll deal with it.

Affirmation of the week: I am resilient muthafuckas!!!

Alright, I’m out.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

A Bit Frantic

Hi Everyone,

Well...my best efforts. I did walk the hallway this morning, meditated, did my breath exercise, I'm about to make my lunch. 

Where the hell does the time go?

I stuck to the 10 cig thing. 

It wasn't hard yesterday. I was lazy but I had given myself permission to be so.

I still didn't put the paperwork away, ha!

Too lazy but I did grocery shop and make dinner. And there are dishes and I want them done by the time I leave this morning.

I realize I'm being a bit frantic here but I can't have the mess again, I just can't.

I liked having yesterday to just sortof fuck off and do nothing if you will.

It felt amazing.

I went for little walks up and down the hallway and I got everything in that I usually do but I binge watched a show on Netflix.

Even with that, I managed to get in 6K+ steps. I think I want to keep this going. Sundays, if I fight for it during the week, if I push through, can be my down day.

This weekend, we begin the process of going through all my supply bins and organizing them by product.

Ya flippin' hoo but it's got to be done, so yeah, that's my Saturday.

But what-ev's.

I'll feel like I'm making progress in at least one part of my life.

And emotionally? A bit of anxiety still but I seem to be able to push through that.

I just keep going.

It's all you can do and I have to believe it means something.

I sure hope it does.

Alright, I will be back tomorrow.

I hope your Monday is fantastic.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie 

Some Leeway

 

Good Morning!

How is everyone doing? How was your Saturday?

You guys, I cleaned the apartment! It's all done, except for some paperwork I need to sort through and put away.

Thank God.

As crazy as this sounds, I'm going to put cleaning on my list of to do's, starting tomorrow. The thing is, if I don't stay on top of it, I waste my weekend's trying to get back on top of it. I want my Saturdays for what I'm calling my "projects". There are about 5 or six of them.

I want to feel on top of life as much as possible, as opposed to always trying to catch up to it.

So yes, the cleaning happened. 

I also stuck to my plan of 10 smokes. It was hard. It was really hard.

I know that cold turkey is best but I'm just not ready to let go. Tomorrow, the real test comes in, because I'm going down to 5. I'll stay there for 4 days.

I want to get into the mentality that I'm a nonsmoker and finding ways to fill the time and deal with the anxiety that comes as a result of not having one when I usually would. And that's been the first big hurdle.

I won't be bringing any to work with me so that'll be the second big hurdle. You know, no smoke on the drive in, no smoke on the drive home and no smoke breaks.

That's a huge hurdle. And that's why I'm giving myself 4 days at 5.

There are so many places and times that smoking is a part of things. I just have to give the mind fuck stuff a little bit of leeway.

I slept like a champ last night.

I had taken bougie bath and then finished the apartment, after dropping my daughter at work. 

It was a good day. 

Usually, when I have a go day like that, I find myself crashing the next day and it doesn't feel like a crash today.

It feels OK this morning.

We shall see where the day brings me.

I hope you have a great one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

GFT!!!

 

Good Morning,

Whew, it's a hot one out there. Is the saying hotter, or colder, than a witches tit in a brass brassier? Honestly, it could go either way; both would eventually become extremely unpleasant.

At any rate, yes, it's a hot one out there.

So. I got the results of my CTs and they showed little to nothing. There really is only one area of potential problems and I'm not sure yet what  my doctor will recommend. 

I'm not going to write it out. It's nothing to cause anyone any worry or concern.

I feel like I have a fantastic grip on where I'm at physically now.

And I know what needs to happen and what needs to change and I started working on all that shit today. 

I had to pick my kiddo up at 10 last night so rather than crash on the couch, I actually did some shit. 

And it felt good. To do some shit.

So all I have for you is that I'm cleaning today. I'm cleaning and cleaning and cleaning.

It is way overdue.

And if that's all I get done, other than the things I'm doing for my physical and mental well being, that's a good fucking thing; GFT!!!

The meds...I am having increased anxiety, but seem to be weathering it. I think I wrote about that yesterday, no? So far, so good.

I am losing weight again! I'm almost back down to the 50lb mark. Since I already made that once, the real joy for me, will come when I finally get under 160 and then when I hit the 60lb weight loss mark.

As of right now, I have 31.4 lbs to go. I can do this, I got this.

And so...we begin; I have the power to change my life.

I shall be back tomorrow.

Have a wonderful Saturday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dumbing Down

 

Good Morning,

I have to go quick. 

I sortof am in a place where I realize I have no answers.

The meds are dumbing down the big feelings but I'm still sad, I'm still having increased anxiety. 

Yesterday I wrote about the guy commenting on my shorts. I probably sounded angry. I need to work on that.

It's just that I've never liked hun or sweetie or any of that. I'm OK with people calling me babe but I just don't like those other ones. We all have our preferences.

And especially from someone I don't know, that's a term of familiarity, ya know? There's no other interaction.

And if you want to know the truth, men terrify me. They do. I wasted much of my life chasing this dream of "the one."

I'm not saying this guy is gross, it's me. You know, getting that kind of attention makes me feel gross. That's not what I'm trying to do here. I don't do YouTube in hopes of landing me a man.

So no harm was meant on my part, it's just this tends to be where I vent when I need to.

Work is getting harder and harder for me. Not because of the work itself but because of the atmosphere I work in.

But the longer I put off job search, the longer it's going to take to get out of there.

Ugh, I'm crying now and I have to go so I'll do my affirmations in the car and listen to some Ozzy and other metal from back in the day and maybe that will rouse me enough to pull up the big girl panties and get on with it.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Pup Snuggles

 Good Morning People of the Blog,

Y’girl is tired AF. 

I had a good night, totally chill. The drive out to my dust’s wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be and her little pup is so sweet. 

I pretty much just hung out with her and silly dallied on my phone all night. I didn’t even turn the TV on. I was in bed by 9:30. I’ve never slept with a dog before.

She was turned away from me at first but I woke up at one point and she was snuggled up with her head resting on my arm. I could’ve melted with love.

My cats are not nighttime snugglers. Pumps comes up for love at about 2:30 every morning and Grey hops up on me once I’m awake and sometimes will jump up on my hip to sleep until I move and Mocha is just kind of once in awhile.

But never right up next to me.

So all that love and comfort was nice.

I took my sleep meds because I knew I wouldn’t sleep without them. So I was dragging this morning and I was about 20 minutes late but I give no fucks at this point.

My boss has been sick and she came in yesterday, sneezing her ass off and I’m like, “really?”

Working in circumstances like this is hard. She’s always bitching about something.

And she’s always talking shit to each of us about the other.

You ain’t perfect either sweetheart.

Far from it. 

Between the constant bitching, the constant martyr shit, the days where she makes me the enemy…it’s too fucking much.

Good Lord.

Gonna update my resume tonight and start the stupid ass search again.

You can only let this stuff slide for so long. It gets to you and while I am soooo much better than I used to be, I will blow at some point and when I blow, it’s ugly. It’s really, really ugly.

Anyways, we had downpours here yesterday and I had to leave early for my CTs and just in going to the car to drive to the appointment, I got soaked.

When I walked into the clinic, the air was on full blast and my teeth were chattering and I couldn’t stop shaking. 

They gave me scrubs and I was tempted to try and leave in them but I didn’t. I had to change into my soooing wet clothes. I stopped at home and I had left the air on for my babies and again…started shaking and chattering. 

I changed into sweats and a hoodie and I didn’t warm up until I went to sleep. I changed into a nightgown but once I got under the covers and snuggled up to Chatty, I warmed right up.

We went for a walk this morning and it was warm and pretty outside.

So yeah, conclusion? I need a dog in my life.

I know, I know…not yet.

Ugh.

I got the results of one of the CTs already and they found nothing…nada.

I guess that’s good but still no pap results and haven’t heard on the lung CT yet.

You’ll know when I know.

Or shortly thereafter.

I will be pissed if I catch this cold she’s got.

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

And finally, some weird guy is now commenting on my shorts. Hi hun, hope you’re doing well?

First of all, don’t EVER call me hun, I HATE that. Second of all, if you actually watched the short, you’d know how I’m doing.

There are some things that drive me nuts and that’s one of them. I’m not doing this to attract a man. Not interested. Never will be.

I’m actually not as crabby as I sound in this blog. I just don’t want to be here anymore.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love and Light,

Neecie