New Path

 

Good Morning,

I thought it was later but it's not. Soooo, I mean, that's good.

You know, I was doing pretty darn good for awhile but this past week, there was a bit of backslide. It's OK, when you're going uphill and the hill is icy, it's inevitable that you may slide back and have to ascertain a new path up.

And it's not so much that the path is the problem, albeit a little bit.

Fuckin' FB man. 

It's not so much what people are posting as it is the ferocity and consistency of the posts...on both sides because I have do have people on both sides. I have had to unfollow some of them though.

For me, I have to ask myself that if the ultimate horrible things were to happen, would they condone my arrest? My torture? My death? Would they condone my public humiliation? I mean this stuff...you can go down rabbit holes and get fucking lost there. Because there's never just one rabbit hole, there are several and there are warrens that run beneath, whole rabbit fucking networks. 

I like rabbits, I love them. I just don't like rabbit holes, you can get lost, like I said.

So there was some of that.

And because it is the norm for me to do so, I find myself growing discontent again and that's a me thing, that's a Denise pattern.

I am finding that there are soooooo many Denise patterns. 

And I simply cannot address them all at once.

So for now, this discontent, this non-stop feeding my face and shoving food in so I don't have to feel anything and I'm not even sure that there's any one thing in particular that I'm trying not to feel...I think that at some point there was and this became habit and then it got better but I am now addressing other things, so the binge eating reared it's ugly head.

The question always for me, is what positive things can I do to replace the negative things? There has to be a replacement for me. A new habit. Sometimes, you can say, "well just do the opposite" and that's easy when it comes to drugs and booze. Right? Just don't do drugs or booze. But with eating...yeah, like I have to eat. It's the whole stuffing my face thing. So yeah, I mean meal plan and stick to it but in those moments where I know I'm not hungry but I want to stuff something...what do I do instead. I can't just sit in my feelings because sometimes I don't even fucking know what I'm feeling, I just want to be a pig-a-let.

It usually has to do with anxiety, it usually has to do with avoidance of doing things that are productive...so then does that mean it's a self-destruction thing? Is it really that simple? 

Because I self-destruct, it's what I do.

And the reason my drug of choice was always so incredibly appealing, was that it's literally the only thing that shuts down my thoughts completely. There is this numbness and quiet and yeah, that high though.

I don't want to do that. I just wish I could do that for myself, without a drug. Geez.

I know that once I can get back on my meds, they will take the edge off of this.

There also has been so much change in the world recently.

Switching gears; everything above was Sunday. Today is Monday.

I'm tired and so crabby.

I grow impatient too. I'd like to know if I got this job. 

It's such a drag...the waiting.

I want to call them and say...I'm worth it.

My boss has not approved my timecard, which means I am going to get paid late. I'm fine, we're fine. I haven't been spending so it's all good but it's frustrating. I'll mention it when I go in.

This week is going to be hard and the bottom line is that I am just going to have to push myself...hard.

There are two apartment inspections this week. I have someone for Pumpkin Wednesday but now need to find something for tomorrow too. This is beyond frustrating.

I'd explain it all, why there are two; one is the city's yearly inspection and the other is the apartments. The apartments are doing a 3 day inspection and ours falls on Wednesday but the city is coming tomorrow and they are doing random apartments and so I really can't say that they'll even be in here but it means cleaning tonight. Big time cleaning and then just worrying about tomorrow.

Whatever.

I am so grateful for the person taking Pumps on Wednesday. She's a great human and I trust her.

That's the main thing; with one of your beloved pets.

Look, I gotta go.

I will do a part two tonight.

Wish me well getting through this day. I am a crabby B. 

Alright, I wish you all a good day though.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie