Hi All,
So I am writing while multi-tasking at work. I try not to do this and I don’t post from my work’s internet.
But wow.
I just had a conversation with my boss.
I can’t go into details but this job may end sooner rather than later. I’m not worried about that. I can see how it fits not just into her bigger picture but into mine as well. If I get this job I’m waiting to hear back on, it will all make sense and I was able to be honest with her about this possibility and also make it clear that we’re not there yet. I have neither been offered the job nor asked in for a 2ndinterview yet.
I had a dream that I woke up from Friday. And the only thing I remember from it, was that I could see 2nd 2nd.
Well what does that mean?
I felt like it was positive. I got this job I’m currently at and I feel like the one I’m holding out for would be 2nd of 2nd, in terms of an offer.
I have really been struggling with fear lately.
I don’t think I’m alone in that. It’s a societal thing right now.
Witchy times bro.
Witchy, from my perspective, is not a bad thing; it just means that energies are all over the place and for those of us who know how, we have to hone in that energy and use it for our own power and purpose, as long as it serves the greater good.
Anyways, I digress.
While I am paying my bills right now and that is the main objective, I am going to need more money.
I have started writing my memoir. I’ve wanted to do this forever and have started multiple times but what’s different this time, is that my writing is not weaponized.
And I’m doing my best not to write anything about anyone else’s personal business.
It’s no surprise to any of you who have stood by my side for so long, that really the only one I continue to struggle with, is my stepmother.
I can, and do, still get downright nasty about her.
So when I write, I have to share actions that affected me. I started out trying to offer grace as I wrote and I found I simply cannot do it.
My hope is that as this thing progresses, I will soften up. I have already started this process.
My ultimate goal is not understanding, or even forgiveness. To me, just offering up forgiveness is…sometimes counter productive.
I feel like what I’m aiming for here is to be honestly see that she too, had an upbringing that affected her, that she too has suffered loss and just those kind of things. You know, basically she’s human, and she’s a human that I would never choose to be in my life were we not related. I don’t even have to explain that. Like it’s not forgiveness, it’s more of an acceptance. She is who she is. She continues to be who she is and might possibly be incapable of change. And most importantly, she does not matter.
Bear with me, I’m not saying she doesn’t matter as far as her life. But leave that to her and the people who do care about her. She’s entitled to that.
I just need to let it go.
Forgiveness is one form of letting go.
I’m not there, I may be there at some point.
I do know I will never get what I want is an accounting and an apology. What I mean by accounting is that not only does she apologize but that she see’s what she has done over the years and understands how that would affect a person.
I will never get that.
So do I continue to chain myself to her when she doesn’t give me a second thought? When she could care less?
This woman is who she is.
I can only control my perspective.
That’s it.
It’s not up to me to help her find clarity. She doesn’t want it. It’s her journey. And I’m not on her journey, I’m on my journey.
You know, I’ve been doing these affirmations each morning. And there are things changing. I don’t stay overwhelmed for long. When I do feel angry about anything now, I’m able to quiet myself and sit in it. I’m able to think it through and move beyond it before I take any action.
For me, this is life-changing but the affirmation thing? I’m starting to see I matter, I’m starting to believe I can do whatever the fuck it is I want to do. I’m doing these affirmations everyday, although I do have to be honest, I missed them yesterday. But I did them in the car this morning.
I am going to be writing my own to start in March.
But my point is, doing this really does rewire your brain.
Yesterday, I had a monthly call with some of my friends. We are a bit scattered about the Twin Cities and one of us is out of state so it’s a great way to catch up.
While I was on that call, I got another call from someone who shall go unnamed but who I just absolutely adore.
I called her back once I was done with the first call and she didn’t answer so then I started cleaning and then she did actually call me back and we talked for a long time. I was able to get things out that I didn’t even necessarily know I was holding in.
It was healing.
I felt so unjudged and so comfortable sharing this conversation. And she was able to talk about some things as well.
I love this person a lot.
Who would’ve known when I first met her, that she would become so important to me and that I would grow to love her the way I do?
Often times, when we first meet someone, we have no idea of the significance.
But I bring this full circle, because some of what we talked about is my stepmother. And I mentioned that while I am no longer involved in AA, there is so much I took from that program that is helpful and it gave me tools that I still use.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that resentment, not jealousy, or envy or judgement, etc. but resentment, is the number one offender.
And I don’t know where this next part is, but a sponsor read a passage either out of the Big Book or the 12 x 12 that said if you resent someone, you should pray for two things – pray for the person and pray that the resentment within you, leaves you.
And when I was conversing with this person yesterday, I told her that I am going to try this. It can be outright distasteful praying for someone you actively resent but again, the end goal here is not about my stepmother, it’s about me.
I had a sponsor once, this makes me laugh everytime I think about it, who told me that if I absolutely cannot pray for her to have good things, that I can simply say, “I pray that she gets everything she deserves.” LOL. Well that’s fully loaded with innuendo isn’t it?
I think I’m at a place where I can offer up a bit more.
For me though, it’s not about forgiveness. If she took accountability, and asked me for forgiveness, I would forgive her.
There is a little girl inside of me, whose feelings were never taken into consideration or even given a thought to. And while I am over much of this, that little girl still comes out to play sometimes and she just wants to be validated. She just wants to hear, “you do matter, you always mattered and I am sorry.” But neither the little girl, or the grown woman, will ever hear those words.
No, for me, it’s about letting it go. Letting her, her actions, her words over the years, her lack of empathy and accountability…just letting it go.
But I would like to let her go with love. Not love for her, but her place in the world and her continued journey. Her right to that, as it is the right of all humans.
I do not wish this woman harm at this point. I do not wish she would die.
I just wish her not to be a thought in my mind. And if she does pop into my head, that I feel only pity for her and wish her well and send that out and then let go again.
I bring all of that up about my stepmother to tell you that part of the unquiet and unrest I’ve been feeling inside is because I’ve been writing my memoir and the opening of it has much to do with her and also, some of what I’ve just written. But I did have to write out my perception of what she did and how it affected me.
That’s clearly part of the process for me and as I move through my journey in the book, I want to share the process.
But it does bring things up again and I have already processed so much of the stuff with my parents, and I am in a new place as far as “reliving” the past. I’m not “reliving” it. I’m reporting on it.
Remembering things and even the feelings I had about it then, you know it is rubbing off a bit.
Thank God I have learned so much about healing and about healthy detachment and understanding that the past is not now. Remembering does not have to be reliving.
But the conversation yesterday helped me a lot. And it got me into the mode of ok, let’s move forward with this process.
And so, here I will write out a prayer that in part comes from the Big Book of AA and in part from my own spiritual beliefs.
Gracious Goddess,
Help me my Love, to be free of resentment in all things and towards my stepmother. Help me to see her as a wounded human being who perhaps, like I myself once did, has a spiritual malady and let me see her, and treat her in my mind, as I would treat a sick friend; with care, compassion and empathy. I wish the best for her and that she receive healing. Everything I wish for myself, I also wish for her. I let her go in Love and Light. May she live well.
Blessed Be.
Oh I got goosebumps as I said that.
I need to move on now. Last week was a week of stagnation and old habits. I paid a price for that but today is a new day.
So, that’s what I wanted to write about. Some of it was repetitive. Sorry for that.
As far as fear for the state of this country and the things happening, all I can do is be watchful at this point. I am taking certain steps “just in case” and I am preparing for the “just in case” as well.
It’s all I can do.
The rest I have no control over and I must honor myself by continuing forward; having faith in The Universe and it’s law of checks and balances. It always rights itself in the end. How it chooses to do so will be revealed in time and like I said, I’m prepping for all possible outcomes.
I really just to love my people, this planet and all the animals that reside within. Even the tarantulas.
I’m going to face that fear this year but I’ll save that for my YouTube channel.
I hope you have a good day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
No comments:
Post a Comment