Hasta La Vista Baby

Good Morning!

Well, I'm up, lol. Sleep was a bust, oh well.

Point is, I'm up.

Remember yesterday I said that I'm having feelings. Well, now, now that I'm here wanting to give them some time, I don't remember them.

I can talk about my weight gain. It's only 10 lbs and I realized very quickly that I was emotional eating. It started when I started trying to budget my money and not spend like a demon.

Always. Always.

When I give up one thing, another comes out.

And there's depression that comes up.

It's OK.

For the most part, I've got the spending locked in. This next paycheck is going to be almost all towards bills, I'll have enough to put aside for rent, loan payment, and bills, bills, bills. Nothing more than that. I looked for jobs yesterday and it was sad. There was nothing. And nothing close.

This working in Plymouth thing, the drive, it sucks so much. I can do it, I have been doing it. I haven't called in once which is nothing short of a miracle. You know, for me, that is a miracle.

But I do need a job. A permanent job.

I guess, you know more than anything, it's the weight gain and how that makes me feel and the uncertainty of everything.

I am a want to know the plan kind of girl and I've been in this floating state of, "what's going to happen" for months now.

In a sense, I feel like I'm going through my life blindly right now, not knowing what's in store for me, not being able to feel a sense of real security.

That's scary.

And the answers are always the same, aren't they? Keep going, keep trying, have faith, put one foot in front of the other.

Bla bla motherfuckin' bla.

So that's what I am going to do. 

You can't give up. You just can't. At this point, I have to much to lose. 

So you go on, and you keep on trying.

I meditated this morning and I really haven't done that in about two weeks. It's one of the things that often times falls by the way side when I'm feeling unsteady, chaotic and worried.

So I did it. 

I spent my morning with friends yesterday. We helped one of them move some things into storage.  Then we went into a couple of the shops in Anoka. There is a new magical shop that replaced the prior magical shop and so much of what they have...my friend said that most of it, is stuff they probably bought in bulk off of Temu. It didn't have the same feel. Even so, I got some incense and an incense holder, as all my magical tools are in storage.

It's not the kind I like, there is only one company that makes the kind I like but I got on their website and they only make certain blends now. They used to have so many options and now...not so much. But they do have lavender which I love and frankincense, though it's mixed with lemongrass.

I do like lemongrass. 

I don't know. Do I need incense? No. It does make me feel good though. I love things that smell beautiful to me.

OH dear, I was wrong. I just went to the website, it's just harder to maneuver through on the phone is all and now I'm sitting at my computer.

You know what? I'm not going to buy any at this time. I'm going to make myself feel all better and then I can make the decision.

The thing is, I fucking hate being depressed, overwhelmed...stressed out, anxious. When it hits, I can usually pull myself out of it relatively quickly. But I have to stay away from naysayers, because I have found that misery loves company.

I just have to be careful because I can get caught up in the feelings of others so easily.

I do have a plan for the day. I am meeting one of my besties, have to leave in about 15 minutes, for breakfast. This is going to be a couple hour long thing. Then I am coming home and I have given myself permission not to worry about the cleaning shit today.

Today is for all the computer stuff I've been putting off.

I just can't give in to all the negative stuff that wants to ride over me like a tsunami. I just can't. Get thee back, oh satan! LOL. Yeah, I don't believe this is Satan, y'all know where I am with that. I believe it's me, the way my hormones and my various mental health shit plays out and it's up to me to ride the tsunami out instead of standing there waiting for it to crash over me and sweep me away.

And so on that note, I say hasta la vista baby.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie