Neurodivergence

 

Hi Everyone,

Phew. I'm in go mode. You know what makes me happy in the midst of all this chaos? I seem to be having more good, productive days than bad ones. 

Don't get me wrong. Last night, I struggled with sleep. I had to sleep in to get the needed amount and because it was so interrupted, I still felt tired and lethargic this morning. The good news is my daughter had refills, she doesn't use the stuff but she's the one with refills so yeah...it's ready and I'm gonna pick it up today.

I am wanting to really try and set a sleep schedule. I've been half-assing it for years but I am at a point where I want to do everything I can to maintain a healthy life. 

Anyways, last night, I cried a lot. I had to get out the ick because it was building back up. Guys, I need $2,200 by Feb. 1st in order to stay above ground.

I'm looking. I've even been applying at some shitty places with shitty pay...just anything, I'm trying to stay open.

This is the most scared I've ever been but I also know living in fear is fucking awful. It's an almost 100% guarantee I'll go down the dark hole of bullshit I haven't been down in a long, long time. I'm not thinking about it as an option, I'm not entertaining euphoric recall. But even so, the fact remains that I have patterns in my life that may or may not still be with me. I don't know. Because I haven't crossed that bridge. I stay away from that bridge by staying positive, by staying hopeful, by acting grateful for all I do have. But of course fear will come in. I'm on the brink of losing everything. That's not fatalistic, that's reality. That's a pretty fucking scary reality.

As of right now, I still have two applications with the county being considered. So that's good.

I don't care what any of you believe but please, stop right now and picture white light with the words, "She got the job" on them and send them right to me or to Anoka County. 

I am believing that anything and everything can help right now. 

I'm not sure if I told you all about Instacart and the fact that they want you to do 3 shops at a time. I can't do that. I know how my brain works and I will fuck that up completely. First, how do you separate the stuff? Or do you do one shop, bag it, do another shop, bag it, do the third shop, bag it and then deliver? That might be manageable but keep in mind you are on a time frame. I take longer than the average person because staying organized is extremely hard for me. I have a lot of background noise in my mind at any given time. 

I don't say these things to make excuses. People always want to give me suggestions and I take them seriously, I do, but I wish just once that someone, anyone, would acknowledge that these things are and have always been a struggle for me. There is something mental health wise, or I fucking hate this term because everybody and their brother uses it nowadays, neurodivergent, going on.

And you have to understand that the harder I try, the more I fuck shit up. This is not laziness, this is the wires in my brain not being hooked up like normal people. It's fucking real.

And I just keep trying. And I just keep failing. You have to understand that the failure I've literally experienced in every single job I've ever had? I always thought it was my addiction, because that was always the prevalent thing, but I'm coming to understand that there are some true things...learning disabilities, whatever, I only know for sure that I have ADHD, have affected me and it started during puberty. I was never hyper but attention? Yeah right. I fucking struggle.

Again, no excuses. I am trying to find another job, I will work another job, I will try and pray that I don't fuck it up too bad.

But that rant to tell you why Instacart got me all fucked up. Then I found out about a think called Spark and it's pickup and delivery only. Well. Here's the thing. It's a Walmart delivery only app. Ok, cool. Except that are no positions available where I live. The closest is Vadnais Heights, and because of time limits, I'd have to hang out in Vadnais Heights all day, hoping I get a delivery notice.  What do I do all day? I can't sit in my car because I can't afford gas. And how do I look for a job if I'm away from home all day, hoping a delivery notice comes up.

I may sound like I'm being a victim or that I'm saying things are hopeless. It's just frustrating and there is that victim mentality of, "why does everything that gives me a bit of hope, have to have some fucking bullshit attached to it."

But I'm still trying. I haven't given up. I won't.

Please. Send good energy. For those of you pray to whatever God/Gods/Goddesses, pray for my shit. Pray specifically that I get a job that pays what I need to make my budget and pray that I get it SOON, as in this week.

Thank you.

Rant over.

I am proud of myself. I lost my wallet. I'm not proud that I lost my wallet. I realized last night that I couldn't find it. This is where meditation has made a huge difference in my life. I did not freak out. I didn't cry, I didn't raise my voice, I didn't decide my daughter or my cats must've inadvertently done that shit (I used to do that, I'm serious), I just looked for it. I didn't find it last night. I didn't freak out. I checked all my balances and nothing has been used so there you go. I put it on my list of things to do today to look for it and I had almost checked all the places I thought it could be and was about to say, "Ok, I gotta make some calls and cancel some cards, etc." when I found it. It was in my hat and glove box that I keep in my pantry. I have no fucking idea how it got there but there it got and I found that fucker.

With no drama whatsoever.

Yay.

I could write more but I'm bored and I have job search to do.

I love you all.

I'm grateful for everyone in my life and everything that I have in this moment.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie