Ah, well, how are you?
I hope you are well. It's still freezing in MN but the temps are going to just keep going up for the next 24 hours and we are in for two good days of higher temps, then plunging back down for 2 days and then going into the 20s, which is bearable.
I'm feeling good about how I've been spending my days this last week or so. I've been very productive. This morning, all I need to do is put away the clean dishes, sweep and mop the kitchen and dining room floors and I'm done with cleaning and now it'll just be trying to keep up with it.
But that's much better than trying to get on top of it.
I've applied for several jobs. You guys, I don't hear back on 99% of what I apply for. It's so disheartening. I think my age shows given the dates of employment but the thing is, I considered taking the dates out but everything I've read says not to do that, that it appears deceptive. I don't know what to do anymore.
I really want to give in to fear and beg for help, but that's me from before, that's the me that didn't want to get better, I just wanted out of the consequences for my choices. I want to learn this time, I want never to forget.
I have stopped spending money on anything other than food, gas and cigs. Cigs are at a half pack a day. That is torture.
But Starbucks is a thing of the past it would seem. I'll get two coffees on my birthday, lol, because they will be free.
But I haven't done to Starbee's in over a week. That doesn't sound like a lot, but we have to start somewhere, right? I can't justify the cost, it's indulgent, it makes no sense. Why am I not applying this to cigs? One thing at a time. I am hyper aware of it, but still half in denial. Please trust me that I am working towards it.
Everyday I get up and I go through my AM routine and I hit my list, much of which is job search. You know, I wish you could plead your case on cover letters, like be able to tell the fuckers that I'm dying, that I am an inch away from homelessness, the loss of my cats, where would my daughter go, you know all of it...com'on fuckers.
But I can't do that.
It's hard. I am NOT giving in to self-pity. I did this to myself. I know I say that in almost every post where I talk about this stuff. It's not to bash myself, it's to keep it real.
Nothing will change if I brush this stuff under the carpet.
I'm learning how to be aware of myself and my thoughts and my patterns but from a place of observation and learning, not shame.
Debits and Credits.
There you go.
So on with it I suppose. I'm grateful for my morning and my evening routines right now, they help me immeasurably with keeping myself grounded, realistic and grateful.
Um, my daughter, my oldest girl, she had a procedure yesterday and came through it great. Her hubby let me know as soon as she was in recovery. And she Snapped me later. My Aunt had a procedure on her back two days ago and she said that it went well. So these things are now behind us and hopefully, these will clear up the different issues each of them has had.
I went with my daughter two days ago to visit with our former roomie. He's such a doll. He is starting to lose his voice but this man is amazing. Chemo I think everyday and radiation once a week, or maybe it's the other way around, actually yes, I think it's the other way around, and he's still working. Not as many hours but the same amount of days. He blows me away.
He is someone I can learn from.
Deep breath, cuz that just made me want to cry.
Alright, well, I need to get going. I have a day to live right? I have a job to look for, I have a kitchen and dining room floor to mop. I have lots to do.
Ok, well, be blessed. No matter what, be blessed. You are, I am, we all are.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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