I am ok today but sad. I am sitting for the pup again and this in many ways, reminds me a bit of mom. Just to see the changes. He's not suffering, I know my son and his girl would not let him linger if he suffered. He's just not himself. Little energy, his coordination is off and no longer openly affectionate but he does accept love and hugs. He sleeps a lot.
It breaks my heart for him. It breaks my heart for my son and his girl. It breaks my heart for me.
Sigh.
I did get some things done last night but I stayed up late and I am paying. I took a nap after I got here this morning and I woke up from nightmares about a woman I used to use my drug of choice with. Her and her kids were stealing from my purse and I was so angry and not sure how to proceed. In the dream, I wanted to kill her. I wanted to kill all of them.
Some repressed anger?
"To dream that someone is stealing something from you indicates that you are experiencing an identity crisis or are suffering from some sort of loss in your life."
Clearly if that is the case, if I am suffering a loss or an identity crisis, I want it to end, I want to crush it.
I could be the loss of my dream.
Willow's Whimsy.
I never even had a chance with this. Not one that was true and pure. I've had people want to help over the years but it was based on their vision for my business, not mine.
And of course, I've had my own...struggles for want of a better word.
Ah, yes, my struggles. Fuck my struggles, I'm so sick of them.
I don't know.
As for the anger in the dream, my interpretation suggests that expressed anger in dreams is repressed anger in waking. It needs to come out somewhere.
Part of having borderline personality disorder, is extremism in emotions. All of my emotions are big and none were ever bigger than my anger. Ask anyone who was unfortunate enough to have been faced with it. I was vicious.
But in most cases, my bark was worse than my bite.
I was vengeful but I lacked the courage to follow through on most of my threats. Mostly, it was verbal attacks I assaulted with.
As I write that, I am so grateful that's not me anymore. I'm not run by anger anymore but it still flows deep down inside of me, an endless river of it that will most likely not leave my soul until I leave this place. It just doesn't run me anymore. It's not pervasive anymore. I don't think there is a single soul on this planet who would tell you I'm an angry person anymore or that they are afraid of me or that they feel sorry for me.
It's just something there, it's one of my weirdos and I've learned to exist alongside of it. In accepting it, I keep it at bay and am allowed to let other things in...good weirdos so to speak.
They all serve a purpose...each of the weirdos.
And as dramatic as all that sounds...I am usually completely unaware that they even exist all at, especially the anger weirdo.
So there you have it.
Menopause, while it comes with many sad things; loss of passion, changes to my appearance, chronic exhaustion, hair loss, all of those oh so magical things, it has brought me also to a place of diminished emotion.
Diminished emotion in my case, means that to most, I would now be considered normal. I still have them you see, they are just not heightened except in extreme circumstance.
I'm sad today and I'm feeling it.
Most of the time, I walk around completely overwhelmed and not understanding my purpose in this life and not wanting to be a slave, which is what I see most of us as.
And that is overwhelming and sad to me.\
Debbie downer of a blog but I got it out of my system.
I do hope you all have a good day.
I hope you are blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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