Shadowland

 

Good Morning!

Well, I'm coming to you with 8 hours of sleep under my belt but it's only because I woke up at 3:30 and ended up taking the hydroxyzine to sleep. 

That may sound like a good idea but I don't like it because my sleeping heart rate when through the roof again.

Why can't there just be one fix? It's so frustrating. 

But it is what it is and today, I am trying to stay in the what is.

I have a lot to do in the next two weeks. A lot.

Today, I will pay rent and that will be it for money. What is left will cover bills and food for the month. 

I'm not panicking, in fact I'm ignoring it. 

If I sell everything at my show, I'll be OK again for a month and if I haven't found a job, it'll give me a little leeway in finding one.

So the two biggies in my life, at least in the immediate future is to make my products and look for a job. I plan on doing that much of the day but other things need to factor in like the filing project because my recipes for products are somewhere in that mess as well as sites I order from and specifics about what size shrink wrap, etc. I use to secure the products and ensure no leakage, no one opening before they are ready to be opened, etc.

I really let myself spiral, depression wise. I realized something. I have always ignored the signs but it always ended up with me relapsing and not knowing why. I didn't relapse this time, it's just not in the playbook for me anymore so there was no release of emotions. Using is not the way to release pent up emotions but it did do that. So I need to find a way to do this. It's so hard too because I don't really even know why I'm depressed. And maybe it's as simple as this is just my chemistry and this is what happens. 

I've been saying that the why doesn't matter for me, for years. It's the what the fuck do we do to fix this that matters.

Well one thing is meds and that's not an option now so the main thing is to act as if...manifest. And the other is to just do what it takes to ensure our needs are met.

Got it.

Let's shift to yesterday. Thanksgiving was pretty great. My sister and brother inlaw hosted as per the norm and the food is always amazing but I gotta tell ya, there was just something extra special yesterday. If I could've, I would've kept eating til I blew. It was so good. My sister set a place for Mom and I think she may have stopped in and sprinkled heaven on everything. So good. SO, so good.

Thank you to both of them for the effort that I know goes into this.

Huge thank you.

My kids did something to surprise us and it was so perfect, and so hysterically funny and so them. They went and sat for an awkward family photos session at JCPenney. You guys, oh my God, it was the best thing I've ever seen. I still laugh everytime I look at those pictures. It lifted my heart up and lightened the load for sure.

I want to do an angry fairy shoot out in the woods somewhere.

I just can't.

It was perfect.

Anytime I spend with my family now, it's a treasure. It is all a treasure.

I need to learn to bottle that up though and save it, those happy, safe feelings, because when something good happens to me, it's usually followed up with a crash of some sort and so...at least I see these patterns as they play out now. It's my monster is what it is, or the weirdos as I lovingly call them now. They step in when good things happen to tell me how I don't deserve it. I don't deserve hard work payoffs, I don't deserve to laugh and love with my family and friends. I don't deserve anything and so starts the self-sabotage. Just because using is no longer an option doesn't mean this other shit just magically went away.

And I do not believe that the sleeping is a "me" thing, meaning that I cause it somehow. I think it's a menopause, old age, hormonal shit thing.

It's just proving to be a real bitch and a major hiccup in my life right now. The no or little sleep thing is the one thing, even more than the weirdos, that can take me down fast.

So between that and the weirdos, I oftentimes exist in a place I like to call shadowland. It's not total chaos, total darkness, but it's not in the line of the sun either. I linger. Sometimes for to long.

I am going to try my best to stay out of Shadowland today and dwell in the lands of the sunshine that is currently hiding between dismal, gray clouds.

We shall see what unfolds, we shall see and I shall report.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie