Oh man, it's so hot in our apartment. I got 5 hours of sleep the last two nights and most of those two nights were spent awake.
Ruminating in the dark is so not the way to go.
I've been without my edibles and I chose that. I'm concerned about drug tests while I look for work. My understanding is that the type of jobs I'd be applying for, they can't test you for THC. Or if they can, they can't hold it against you.
I've tried so many things and it's slowly been getting worse. Except for the occasional anomoly where I log in 7 to 8 hours, my nights are torture.
In spite of that, I have managed to get the apartment together but of course, there is more to do. And I haven't cleaned my roommate's place.
I have zero energy. I literally have one small load left and everything will be out of there. I also got everything that we have over here put away yesterday.
I want to be grateful but we are so crammed in here. I am grateful. I just wanted more open space. When you are crammed in, that leads to messes piling up quickly.
But I did hit it so hard yesterday and it paid off. There is just a bit more to do today so I think I am going to work on cleaning the place again, stocking up on cat food, groceries, toilet paper, that kind of stuff.
I feel bad putting my roommate off, but I can't do the cleaning while he's there, I just can't. Maybe. We'll see. It would feel good to have it done. Maybe today, I can at least go grab the rest of what's there. I'm sure he noticed I was there yesterday because I got literally everything out of the kitchen, most of the stuff out of my old room.
If I do it, I have to do it soon.
Then, if I just focus on getting my place cleaned today, I can put it in for next week to clean his place. Done.
Look, I'm not going to lie; it's hard to have a sunny disposition. I'm just so freaking tired. I am well aware of my circumstances right now but I have no motivation. This move, this election and the aftermath, has me thinking and feeling things I long thought I'd let go of. It's so hard not to get mired in fear, worry, doubt, anger.
I'm working on staying the hell off my phone. Too much vitriol on both sides.
I'm working on staying present in each moment and making sure each moment is not about all this shit. You guys, people are inboxing me saying, "aren't you angry?"
You have to understand that as an addict and as a person with a pretty intense mental health diagnosis, I have to be very careful about how far I allow my emotions to go, cuz those fuckers will take the hell over. And I can't. I just simply can't.
I have no desire to put that shit in my body again, no desire to sit there completely numbed out and thinking about nothing but the next bump.
No.
If nothing else has changed, that has. I flinch from the thought as I would if I put my hand on a hot burner.
No.
I think that it may behoove me to act like a zombie today, just exist and go from one thing to the next with no feeling behind it...until I can bring myself to feel better.
I can talk myself out of anything and so maybe, I should just do. Just do.
I need to figure out the sleep thing too. Taking magnesium really helps me but the stuff that you drink, that CALM stuff? It tastes horrid.
I also don't like taking the hydroxyzine because it's not meant to be taken long term even though doctors will prescribe it on an ongoing basis.
So.
I hope that all of you are weathering what I call the fallout or the aftermath of the election. I mean if you are one side, you are full of hate, blame, anger and fear and if you're on the other, you are being name called, receiving hate and having friends turn on you.
It's ugly.
Anyways, here's to you. I hope you can find some peace in all this today. I hope you can find some joy. It's sunny and beautiful here so I intend to go for a walk. I hope you can do the same.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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