Well here we are at Monday again and I am completely falling apart over it. Literally and figuratively. Look, I'm going to vent, I'm going to bitch, I'm gonna go all gloom and doom on this one. Because I have to get it out of me. Please bare with me and just know that I tend to come out of these things quickly, that I manage to turn my thinking around.
My weekend was shit. Saturday was so busy and I went 3K over my step goal but I ate like shit and I paid for it, in shit, yesterday.
And yesterday? I put the cabinet together. It took hours and it wasn't even hard until the end and I was bitching and swearing and I'm sure all the neighbors heard me. My daughter was embarrassed and she should've been. I was behaving like I used to.
We both woke up early and went to my roommate's to grab some things and I went hard but I so wanted to play yesterday too. That didn't happen.
After the thing was mostly put together, we both took a nap. While sleeping, I must've hyperextended my leg because when I woke up, I was in agony. The only way I know how to explain it, is that it felt like the worst charlie horse I've ever had and it wouldn't end. It feels bruised on the inside if that makes sense. Even so, I managed to get the cabinet to where I want it (I changed my mind but I'll move it another time) and get a couple things in it. It's definitely going to be enough to put the remainder of my kitchen stuff in but it's going to be a project pulling stuff I already have in cupboards out and rearranging them and it is a pretty cabinet, it matches the whole gray/charcoal theme I have going. But the pain...oh my god.
My daughter massaged it a bit but I'm going to have to scrap together some coinage to go get a massage and have them primarily work on the leg.
Then last night, and out of respect for not blogging about others, I'm not going to go into specifics, I did go to sleep on time but I was woken up twice in a way that could've been avoided. It just made me feel uncared for and taken for granted. I try to show up for the people who need me to and I just...the sleep thing is completely fucking up my life and so to be asleep and get woken up not once but twice, I lost it. I started sobbing hysterically. I just want to sleep. I did not feel shown up for in this situation. I'm not blowing smoke out of my ass (no just shit and farts) when I say that the sleep thing is getting to me.
Officially, the sleep thing is getting to me. It's dragging me down, back down, into depths I thought I thought I'd arisen from.
And let's talk shit since I mentioned it. My daughter was up with me yesterday, so she experienced my IBS. I went at least 6 times in the morning. I'm so tired of my mornings being blown and wasting my time sitting on the shitter.
And because of it, and because I was too tired to shower, I stink this morning. I will take a quick shower when I'm done here.
I don't want to be a stinky person. But I got sick of showering twice a day too. It's too much. I try to get so many things done and this trying to control every minute of my day is actually leading to no control whatsoever. I'm spinning out of control.
I am and I just have to write that here. There's nothing anyone can do, just know and just think of me as I navigate this and send happy thoughts. Cuz your girl is feeling tired and sad and stinky.
One beautiful part of the weekend and that's what I'm trying to hold onto, is the beautiful conversation I had with my brother. I love him so much.
I am dreading going into work today. When my coworker is gone, that job is going to be unbearable. Literally. Unbearable.
I'm thinking of applying for some retail stuff...but I won't make what I need to, that's for sure. But just for now, until I can find something reasonable and not a shitshow. I have my own personal shitshow every morning, I don't need one at work.
I think I ended up in this job for a reason but I think it was to find some peace regarding mom and her passing. Because she's there in each one of the residents, I pick up little similarities, some that break my heart and some that fill me with joy.
I need to get out of there though.
I need to get out of there by the time my coworker leaves because I can't do it. I know that. It's truth.
I know people who stay in absolutely miserable conditions but at my age, I can't do it. There is less time at this point in my life, than there is more time and I'm not wasting it on bullshit.
So yes, here I am, sad, overwhelmed, ashamed of my behavior, in pain, stinky, frustrated and tired.
That's me, that's Denise.
I don't want that to be Denise.
So.
What of today?
Well, I have to go in and I know that. I have to work. When I get there, I get there. I'm not gonna bust my ass to get there on time because I'm in pain and without question, I have to shower.
Tonight, it's an easy fix; I'm going to get everything put away...again.
And I'm going to apply for one job.
And shower again, only so I don't have to do it tomorrow morning.
And go to bed. On time but I'm going to set some boundaries with it too.
I'm thinking of trying poppy tea. The problem is that it is addictive. It has mild amounts of opiates and it's not regulated, I read up on it because a resident recommended it to me. But she said it's worked for her.
I can't start though until I get a new job because I might have to take a drug test and it will test dirty for opiates even though it's a tea, it's legal and it's minute amounts compared to what's in heroin, morphine, etc.
From everything I read, there's not enough long term studies on the stuff but you should know I'm desperate at this point. One or two good nights of sleep aren't cutting it for me. It's affecting every part of who I am and everything I do. It's begun to really affect my tolerance, my ability to think critically and just to do the most mundane of things. It's turning me into a crabby bitch.
Ok, there you have it. I promise to keep writing daily to let you know how things proceed from here.
Tonight:
- Put everything away
- Take a shower
- Apply for a job
- Go to bed on time
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