Security and Relief

 

Hello, Hello, Hello,

So I told ya I get over shit fast. Again, I did not get a good night’s sleep. Nobodies fault but my own this time. I mean I went to bed a tiny bit after nine but I was up at 1:30 and then it was in and out, mostly out. I got in just over 5 hours total.

Whatever.

My son called me yesterday and we had a good talk. He called because I had posted a rather downer post on FB about wishing I could be like a normal person and he just wanted to check on me. I was at work but when it comes to my son, PRIORITY. No matter where I am. And then I spoke with my oldest daughter for a good hour. My youngest was in on the conversation because I had the phone on speaker. It was fun.

I love my babies so much.

My boy and I are gonna go out for dinner on Saturday.

But yeah, that all meant so much to me.

And in the wee hours of this morning, all the answers came.

I’m quitting my job. I spoke with an Amazon rep last night. Just to ask questions and the hiring process only takes about 4 days and as long as I have a clean driving record, which I do, they are hiring like crazy right now, especially because of the holiday rush.

The pay is not quite what I make here but you’d be surprised and I can work as many or as little hours as I want. I didn’t quite understand if I’d be like a contractor or an actual employee, I have a few more questions but I’m going for it. I’m putting in the app tonight.

I have always turned to the kind of job I’m in now and I have always failed miserably. Definition of insanity? Well, one of them is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I have to stir shit up to get it moving, to get myself moving. I can set my own hours, and I’ll be with my favorite person all day, me. Ha!

So I’m going for it.

I’m going to give a two week notice because it’s the right thing to do and I will still be applying for something that is a better fit but I can be picky. I’ve had several residents here tell me that if I need a reference, they’ll give me one, like a letter of recommendation.

And I want to be able to come back here to see the residents I’ve developed friendships with.

There are several.

I don’t know why these kinds of jobs always make me feel so boxed in. They really do bring out the worst in me. Isn’t that terrible?

I meant for it to work, I wanted it to work.

But the lack of training I’ve been provided, the little notice of projects that I simply cannot do at my desk, the constant interruptions; anyone can deal with these things on a fairly regular basis but it’s literally constant here. The technology sucks and having to try several different laptops when I’m working on a project that requires me to be away from my desk just really sucks.

It’s just been way too much.

I mean, I can admit it, I’m not blowing smoke…I failed. Again.

But there were a lot of things that I feel helped me along that particular course.

And it’s not a true failure, on a human level. I’ve done good things here, at least for the residents and I’ve made a difference. Not a single one that I have told, has been happy about this. I’ve been told by several that I am their favorite.

Well they are mine too and now I can truly be a friend and not worry about it affecting my job.

And again, in the wee hours, I told myself the one thing that always helps me; I’m Denise Motherfucking Johnson and I got this shit.

The relief I feel has energized me. In spite of not enough sleep, I got up, I showered. I unpacked a box, rinsed the dishes and started a load in the dishwasher.

I’m happy. I feel a sense of security and relief.

No fear.

Denise is in da house, yo.

That’s all I’ve got for today. It’s a new day. And it’s a damn good one.

Be Blessed my fine friends.

Love & Light,

Neecie