Animals

 

Here I am!

First off, I have gone 100 over last months reader stats. Thank you. Seriously, thank you!

I’m not a high hitter, I’ve said that all along but it means so much to me that my stats have increased and continue to do so.

I try not to do much drama. I refrain from bringing other people into this blog, I maintain privacy and don’t go into detail…but I’m imperfect and I can push those boundaries still but I really try and so the drama that does come into this space is usually my own and not me bitching about how others have done me wrong.

For the record, no one has done me wrong. LOL.

Like, I’m good. With everyone.

Except the assholes who my daughter brought out a takeout order to yesterday. Ok, Yes!! I get to bitch about something. She brings their order out and the guy on the passenger side opens his door so she starts handing him his and his girlfriend’s (she was in the driver seat) order.

She hands it to him and says, “Ok, here’s this.” And he starts mocking her, saying, “here’s this, here’s this.” She’s like WTF?? This goes on for a bit and then he says, “can you shut my door?” That’s not her job dude, but she did.

Well of course they didn’t tip her. But that’s always a toss up, whether people tip for that kind of thing. Just so you know, at restaurants, they aren’t just bringing you your food. They have to prepare the sides for it, pack them up, etc. So maybe not 20% but something.

Anyways, she wasn’t surprised. She said she can pretty much guess now whose a tipper and who isn’t whether she’s hosting, takeout or serving, she can usually call it.

But they sat in their car and ate and then the motherfuckers threw all their bags out onto the parking lot, they poured the food they didn’t eat onto the parking lot, they tore up the bags so it’d be harder to clean it all up.

Animals.

That kind of behavior is just disturbing.

Ok, I bitched.

I got some good stuff done last night. Some unpacking and a bit of cleaning. I’m taking Friday off because I have PTO and I need to take it before I’m out of here.

I don’t want to lose it. I don’t believe they pay PTO out here.

Tonight, I have an interview, just a quick one to tie up some loose ends, with Shipt. They are a shopping/delivery service.

So I gotta get that taken care of. The Amazon thing, it’s too scary. I read some reviews and while some were mostly positive, no one said, “hey, this is great.” And some have led to severe things like assault and dog bites and I’m like…no.

With Shipt and Instacart, I have a say in what areas I want to work in.

It’s contracting, which sucks but I have a good friend who is an accountant and I’m going to pay her to show me how to submit everything. That way, I won’t be paying someone every 3 months and hopefully, this won’t last for too long. I just have to hold tight until I find a position with more respect for it’s people. That’s literally all I want at this point. That and a little bit of peace.

I’m not unhappy. I understand that happiness is an inside job no matter where you are or what you’re doing but that’s just like the AA saying, simple not easy. Yeah, the philosophy is simple…just be fucking happy. It’s a choice. But that shit ain’t easy. It’s not easy at all, not when the world is you know, the way it is.

But I’m trying. Everyday I be tryin’.

So yeah…there you have it.

I do have to go. I have a lot to do here of late.

So, I will take the time tonight to write out a full blog of the decisions I’ve made and the actions I’ve taken.

More and more is being put on my plate and I am one person and I’m sinking. And even though my mental state is good today and was good yesterday, I clocked 5 hours of sleep last night and I know that if this sleep deprivation is prolonged, I’ll crash again and I feel like each time I crash, I crash a little lower, a little harder.

I have PTO on Friday so I’ll be able to get so much done.

Tomorrow it will be cold. This gives me hope for sleep. I did finally put the A/C on last night and was able to finally get some good zzzz’s in, just not enough is all.

And I came in today and there was a death. I had only met this person a few times. But I know the caregiver who was with this person and the description of her passing reminds me of my sister’s description of our dad’s passing. It brought those feelings back for me. So, it’s been hard for me this morning. Your breath gets caught in your chest because you don’t want to cry.

And my heart is heavy also due to the decisions I’ve mentioned above and the actions taken.

I am blessed because I’ve had a positive impact here but the tears…and the hugs…it’s sad. If I could just somehow work only for the residents, I wouldn’t leave. They are my light. They have brought me knowledge, respect, awe, love, joy and a sense of peace with the whole getting older thing although it has also strengthened my resolve in how I want to die. You know, on my terms.

The one thing, the only thing, I will ever give my stepmother is that she cared for my dad. He didn’t have to be in hospice, he went at home and if not peacefully, quickly. He was with her and my sister.

I will forever be grateful that my sister was there. Before there was a stepmother, or half brothers, there was another family and my sister and I belonged to him. It is fitting that she was there. It gives me peace.

But I’ve been sad all morning.

Why it never occurred to me that I’d be dealing with death on a regular basis working in a senior care facility, I don’t know. I often times don’t think, I just do.

I mean well. I always have pure intentions, at least these days. I don’t know why I am the way I am. I try not to make excuses. I try really hard. And things get all crisscrossed in my head and in the results of my efforts. It’s been this way all my life, I’ve said that several times here.

All I know is I try. I do try. I also try not to feel so bad about myself because of it. It’s just always been this way and best efforts don’t ensure anything. I know I’m not dumb. But it does affect my self-worth, especially when I truly believe I understand something and I finish it, only to find out my brain scrambled it all up, misinterpreted directions.

Sigh.

It makes me sad. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever accomplish anything.

But.

I keep trying.

Have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie