My Friend

 

Hi Everyone,

I wrote this yesterday but didn't have time to post. I will write about the concert tonight because it was such a good experience.

"Ok, I don’t want to be here today. Now that that is established, shall we continue? I found a job listing in Anoka County. I’m going to apply for it and just see what happens. The high end of the pay range is more than I’m making now, the job itself is closer to where I am now, more paid holidays, way more PTO, incredible medical and dental.

I want the job. But I have to apply and just trust the Universe. I don’t hate it here. That’s key. I won’t be devastated if I don’t get the job. I’m old enough to know that there are pros and cons to everything.

But I have to try.

I was really disappointed yesterday. I don’t expect people to bow down and kiss my ass just because I lost someone but some empathy would be nice. I guess I’ve felt that’s what ’s missing here.

And it’s hard for me, I’m for the residents, I’m for the workers…I’m not here for the corporation. But as per the norm, there are boundaries to that. A friend of mine, her name is Sara, once told me that I’m a champion of the underdog and I have to be honest, I didn’t see it at the time but time has proven it to be true.

Not bragging, just…I’m not a corporate kind of girl. I hate corporate America. I have and will always be, for the little guy.

I have said, and I stand by, the fact that having had experiences with Momma in a few different places, I can say this place I work at, seems very good. But even so, it’s not perfect. These people are underpaid; residents are nickeled and dimed for every single service.

And while the “corporation” that owns these places, need to make a profit, when you underpay staff, guess who suffers? Your parents. That’s who suffers.

Soooo. Consider Assisted Living or Memory Care but also consider private pay caregiving in addition to. I realize not everyone has this kind of mula and you’d be paying out of pocked for the additional help but I mean…it’s the only way you’re going to be able to get a clear view on what you are really getting and what your loved one is really receiving.

So anyways, yes, I am going to apply for this county job and see what happens, that’s all, just seeing what happens.

So. Yesterday. My friend.

Dean.

It makes me really sad writing this because he still read my blog, at least he said he did the last time I saw him and I believe him because he knew that I was caring for my mom. He was caring for his mom too.

Dean was someone I knew from junior high school. He was two grades ahead of me. He was “popular.”

Good looking, I always thought he was good looking. I don’t remember why he originally reached out to me, we were friends on Facebook. I know he had requested me. I didn’t know him well enough to friend request him. I was sortof notorious. If you know, you know. I had me a reputation.

Anyways, we started communicating and I liked him. He was still good looking. He was charming. He invited me out to this bar that a bunch of people from school were going to be at. What he didn’t tell me was that he had a girlfriend. LOL, little shit but honestly, he clearly wasn’t thinking of me in that way, so he really had no reason to tell me he was seeing anyone.

I remember walking in and seeing him at the bar and giving him a big hug. The dirtball 7^th grader in me, the one who was a total scrapper and who had no self-esteem whatsoever, the one who used to be chubby, she was so happy to see him. His whole face lit up when he saw me and I’m sure mine did too. I was skinny, I was feeling good about myself and I did look good that night.

Well…that night ended up so weird but we kept in touch.

Why was it weird? I guess I might as well tell the whole story, maybe it’s meant to be told now though I will not name the person that some of this night involved. She deserves her privacy.

So most of the people there that night, were people that were two grades ahead of me. I recognized most of them but didn’t actually know them. There was this one, just ugh, totally obnoxious guy there, he was horrid. He kept asking me if I wanted to go smoke crack with him and his girlfriend and get it on.

He wasn’t asking me about crack because he knew about me, he just didn’t care who knew he was a crackhead. And then he told me who his girlfriend was. So this girl was a year younger than me, and a year older than my sister. She had been a very pretty girl when I knew her. So pretty and this funny personality. She liked to get her drink on, I remember that. Her brother was in my grade and he was a massive alcoholic at 13 years of age.

So anyways, we lost touch once I was out of school. And I never heard from her again. I still haven’t heard from her.

But this guy mentioned her name and he basically spewed her shit all over the place, in front of everyone that was outside at the bar. She was a crack addict too. Her father had been having sex with her and her sister since they were little. This dude kept calling her a whore and all this stuff, he was a fucking pig.

And Dean finally came out and got me. I told him I hated that guy, whoever the fuck he was and he got me calmed down.

I got way too drunk that night. There was a woman named Kathy there who had gone to school with us but we hadn’t known each other prior to that night. I was in the toilet puking my guts out and I was going to drive home. Dean wouldn’t let me. So he and his girlfriend drove me but I still didn’t realize that she was his girlfriend.

I was puking in a bag he gave me. Well, he walks me up to my door and goes in for a hug and I try to start making out with him. He laughed and gently pushed me away and told me the girl driving was his girlfriend. I was to drunk to be mortified at that point but I was the next day. Kathy friend requested me and she was so so sweet and put my mind at ease. I’ve been friends with her ever since and I just love her. To say she’s been supportive of me is to put it lightly.

Very kind human being, beautiful, thoughtful…I’m so grateful to have met her. And Dean reached out to see how I was feeling and I apologized. He just cracked up. So I avoided having too much humiliation over that one.

Dean and I kept talking. We didn’t often talk on the phone, it was usually over messenger. We saw each other a few times and then it just sortof faded out and when Trump ran for President the first time, and won, I lost my shit and pretty much deleted everyone who was “out of the Trump closet” and Dean was one of those.

I regret that now. I’m still not for Trump, it is what it is but I am no longer at odds with anyone. I know too many good people who support him. I don’t claim to understand and this blog is in no way meant to bash anyone. I’m simply stating that I don’t understand but I will never extricate anyone from my life just because of that man.

I saw Dean at the grocery store a couple years ago. He looked so happy. I wanted to cry when he told me he’d met someone and gotten married. Not because I wanted to marry him but because he had found happiness and he so deserved that. He told me he still read my blog and that he knew I was caring for my mom and he was caring for his and that my blog helped him. I am so glad I saw him that day. I am so glad. We never did connect after that but I felt that we were good.

I am not going to go into how deep our friendship got or what he did for me because they were intimate things; not sexual, never sexual but they were intimate. I probably shared more intimacy with him than I ever did with anyone else, other than my first love John. Dean made me feel beautiful. He said what he thought and if I ever got mad at him, he’d discuss it with me. We never yelled at each other. He helped me in so many ways.

I will never forget him. My daughter and I were talking about him two days before he died, and I thought of him on Sunday when I ran to Cub. I think he flew into my mind on his way to heaven. To let me know that when I found out, I would know he’s OK.

I really loved him. It was the nicest love involving a man I’ve ever felt. Because I just loved him. I wasn’t in love with him. He was less than a lover, but more than a friend if that makes sense.

I really don’t know how else to explain it. And I don’t want to over evaluate it. And I don’t want to write too much either out of his respect for the woman he loved and married. He found someone and that is enough for me.

I still don’t know how he died. There’s been literally nothing on FB other than the original post I saw saying he was gone.

I don’t know when his funeral is, I don’t know anything. I know if he does have one, I’ll be there. I looked to see if he had an obituary but there is nothing. Oh. Wait. I just read on his daughter’s page that there will be no service, other than for family. My heart just broke all over again. I messaged his daughter.

Not to try and crash the service but to find out if he will be cremated or buried. I would like to pay my respects but he loved fishing and so maybe I’ll just find myself out on a lake and I will say my goodbyes then. That is not all I said, I mean I offered condolences as well and spoke highly of him.

Getting old sucks ass, head and hole. Don’t do it if you can avoid it. Not highly recommended.

I’m still so sad.

Samhain hangs heavy on my heart this year.

I hope that during ritual, I’ll be able to let go of some of this sorrow. I want to make a list, not just of my ancestors, but of all the friends I’ve lost in the past 4 years. It’s around 40. That’s not an exaggeration. But yeah, honor those who have gone before by speaking their names and maybe that will offer some comfort.

I have to do something.

You know what? As miserable as I was all those years ago in 7^th grade, I would go back and feel all those feelings just to have a chance to see Dean again, as he was when I first met him, and I would imprint the memory.

He will be carried and held in so many hearts.

I want a celebration of life. I’m even going to make an appearance. I plan on shooting a video to be shown. I have some of it planned. But I’m not going to spoil the surprise. I know what music needs to be played. The corners will be called and I know what I want read. I also want all of you to get up and tell them damn stories, cuz we all know there are plenty of them. Perhaps too many to count. I will be dead, so you can tell any story you want to. I promise I won’t care.

But please, do mention how much I loved my people; my family, my friends, my coworkers (most of them), lol…the people who I loved for a lifetime, for a season, for a reason, or for a minute…let them know how much love I hold in my heart, especially those babies of mine; my Jonny, my Rhi Rhi and my Rei Rei. For them, the world."

So on that note, I am signing off. I will be back tonight at some point.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie