Demons

 

Good Morning,

I figured I'd blog because y'all who are on my FB page probably are worried that I'm losing it. Let me assure you, yeah, I am but there are also grains of reality here as well and an ability to see through the mire of sleeplessness that I am suddenly experiencing.

I'm not even going to go into the weird shit I'm thinking. 

I have a dr. appt. on Friday morning and I have to pay for it out of pocket. I was going to wait until open enrollment and bla bla bla and I have no choice now but things have become somewhat desperate. 

I've had to make some decisions. 

I have to focus on the move. I cannot worry myself about the business right now. I will be ready to go for Christmas.

That's life, ya know and it fucking sucks but it is what it is.

I'm not only seeing the doc for insomnia meds but for my antidepressants as well. I'm nuts right now. I'm not going to be able to calm myself. I got over the stigma of being on meds last time so I'm not worried about that. It's more the cost of this.

Fuck.

Anyways, for the next two weeks, it's all about the move and taking care of me. Exercise, meditation, blogging, journaling, whatever it takes and of course, for now, sleep meds.

There have been no thoughts of using. I'm so grateful I don't need to fight that demon right now. Fuck that demon. 

So that's good but other things are slipping and that's not good.

My anxiety over not sleeping has me skin picking and oh man, it's not good. I have a wound on my hand, one on my arm, one on my back and a ginormous one on my left calf.

Horrible. Painful. Ugly.

I am OK and I'm not OK but I'm making decisions that I think will help.

Sometimes what's right is hard. But I've had to admit to myself that you know, things are what they are and I took on way too much all at once and I screwed myself into this.

And my job? Sounds like a broken record...I don't like it. Let's be honest, I think there would be very few jobs I'll ever like but I know I either want to work for the state or for the county because of the benefits.

So.

I'll keep working here and try to shield myself emotionally (I'll write about that more, later) and I'll look everyday for jobs that would be good.

And I'll pray, pray, pray I get one. 

This job is horrible for my mental health.

I just get too attached and most of my coworkers are great and so are the residents but I hate the job itself and that little helper that I never knew existed, has taken over and wants to fix everything for everyone but I can't fix shit until I fix myself.

Ok, I gotta go.

Things feel horrid right now but that's not the truth, it's my anxiety, it's the insomnia and it's probably my old friend, self-sabotage come to call.

Another demon.

That demon is the one I need to be aware of and cautious of. Cause you let one out of it's chains and it unleashes all the others.

Again, fuck you demon.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie